Low Sex Drive

Hi D.. I understand completely. I had the same problem. I don't know if you are a person who is open to taking medication,(some people don't like to) but my doctor wrote me a prescription for Wellbutrin. It's an anti-depressant. One of the things for which it's well-known is boosting sex-drive. It has worked for me and it's a real mood-booster all around! Also, I've lost a lot of weight! Wellbutrin is known to do that as well. I went from a size 8 to a size 4 last summer after I started taking it! It was crazy! For me losing weight is a libido-booster! I feel so much better about the way I look! Good luck!

Hi D.,
I know what you are talking about and there are times I feel like it is my duty and I more or less do it and get it over with. My husband's love language is physical touch and I would not want him to think I do not love him. there are many times though I would rather be doing something else, like sleeping, but then when I give in I end up enjoying it because I can see it makes him happy. My friends and I talk about this very thing at work, more like we joke about it so it is common among women. There are hormone meds that can stimulate the sex drive but if you are post menopausal, you may start periods again, that happen to a woman I know.
I am very busy too with work, 4 kids, a house to maintain but I also make it a point to take care of myself--exercise, eat right, do things for myself like eyebrow waxing, taking care of my skin. You make be great in that department but for me that helped me feel more like being physical because I feel more attractive. Taking time for myself wanted me to make time for him and making time for him makes everything else flow smoother. For example, I get more help around the house and with the kids: )

Libido is not related to viagra -- only performance. It does work on women, too -- increasing blood flow in significant places. Even in men, it doesn't increase sex drive -- just the ability to do one specific thing. It doesn't create interest in doing that thing.

Libido on the other hand is about all kinds of things, from feelings of affections (or alienation), comraderie (or resentment), to energy (or exhaustion). People who are tired often don't know, or if they did know they don't remember, that if they have sex even when they are tired, they're now still tired, but also satisfied and happy...

Dr. Ruth used to suggest that as long as you are not repulsed by the idea, loving partners do loving things for each other, without everyone needing to be 'in the mood' every time. If he wants to have a go, unless you have a VERY good reason not to, you may find that after the first 5 minutes or so, you ARE in the mood, even though you weren't initially.

Kind of like not really minding if your husband does the dishes to help out, even if he's not really in the mood to...

The interesting thing about sex is that the people who have the most want the most and end up having a much higher libido than people who wait for their libido to get higher by not having any at all... The way to increase a sex drive to do sexy and sexual things, and wait for the feelings to follow.

I too suffer/ed from this problem. I Love my husband so much, and he is such a hottie to boot, it really bothers me that I don't feel more physically aroused by him. I do get emotionally aroused to where I want to be physical, but my physical response seems to be almost non-existant sometimes. I love being close to my hubby, being skin to skin and physically connecting is nice - but actually physically enjoying it would be wonderful! I know it wears on my hubby's sense of attractiveness and manhood as well. For me it started about three years ago. Several things were happening then - I had just given birth to child number 5, we bought a house, I was pregnant with child number 6, and our relationship turned violent for awhile - making me feel ashamed and betrayed. SO I don't know for me if it has been physical (6 kids in 7 years is hard on a body), or lingering emotional blockages that are the root of the problem. Likely it is a mixture of things. It does seem to slowly be getting better, but I do still plan to ask my doctor at my visit next week if it could be due to low hormone levels. I too lead a pretty stressful life, and I believe that is another important component of the picture as well. I don't know what "the" answer is as I am still struggling with this issue, but I will pass on some things that have worked for me - in no particular order. *someone else suggested spending some time pampering yourself. This works for me as well. For me a good workout and then putting on something attractive and applying some makeup and/or lotion or perfume can work wonders for making me feel powerful and attractive. *Find ways to reduce stress - share more responsibilities with your hubby, practice saying "no" when a request would push you beyond your comfortable and healthful ability to give. (I know this can be hard, but by being honest about your ability to give you are respecting yourself and even in some cases helping out the other person as they devlop new skills to cope with thier own problems.), read, squeeze in a nap instead of doing the dishes or throwing in one more load of laundry or making one more phone call. Your body needs rest to keep itself healthy and balanced. *Eat healthier, when some of the hormones, chemicals, and other processed or genetically altered gunk clear out of your system, you may find you feel much "lighter" since your body isn't struggling so hard to offset the damaging things we put into our bodies. *Practice giving yourself frequent affirmations and then do something to put them into practice. For example "I am open to accepting pleasure" and then if hubby rubs your shoulders or something, consciously practice opening your body up and letting it experience physical pleasure. Or, "I am worthy of giving and recieving pleasure/love" and then do something to adknowledge yourself for your contributions to the world and to the people you have touched in it. *Practice relaxing your body as many times as you can remember to throughout the day. Start with your face, neck, or shoulders - feel the tension in them and then consciously relax them until you can get them to stay that way for lets say 30 seconds without recramping. Then move on to each body part in turn. It's especially important to do this when you're right in the middle of a stressful moment. With a little practice, you'll be able to do this while carrying on a conversation, etc, and no one will know your secret power tool for staying so calm! This is such an issue in so many women's lives, and one which we often feel ashamed to admit to. We feel like (at least I have felt like) it makes us somehow "broken" or "less" of a person, or less able to satisfy the needs of our men. And- it's generally something that we keep to ourselves in shame, though it sounds like a few folks here have been lucky enough to find some great girls to share with. I'm so happy to see someone posting on this. Thank you for having the courage to ask this question. :)

Hello D.. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years and we also have the same problem...however my fiance and I are probably much younger. I am only 21 and he is 23. My fiance has always had a very active sex drive and i could survive on sex less than twice in one month if i had to. i don't know what it is, but my doctors tell me that it could be the medicines that i am on, due to the fact that i take so many of them daily. I too have no problem with our sex life, my fiance is a great lover, but when we do have a chance to get intimate (i have a 4month old son) it is either very late at night and i have been taking care of my son all day so i am very tired, or i think about what time it is and have to do the math to figure out what time i would be able to fall asleep because with my fiance its a marathon to have sex with him, he can go for 3hours and still not have a climax! nowk for most women that would be amazing....but when it happens every time for 5 years! you start to dred sex because you know its not going to be a "quicky"! i too wish that there was a female drug like viagra because my fiance would be so much happier if we did have a more active sex life, but i'm just not interested! i don't know what to do about it..and i have tried ALOT of different things over the years. the only thing that i have found that works half the time is to do something together for a little while like cuddling or just making out....sometimes women just need a "warm up session". i know that this will probably not work for some women, but it is the only thing that i have found that sometimes works.
good luck, sorry i couldn't be more helpful :)

Ask your doctor to test your testosterone. Even women will have some. If your's is low they can give you a dose for awhile. It will increase your sex drive. You might also find a natural remedy at your local health food store.

Forget the pill. As soon as someone can find a way to eliminate stress and fatique in a woman's life her sex drive might return. You didn't say how old you are but age really does play a big part in this, the older a woman becomes and closer to menopause the more her drive slows down. I figured it out this way, once a woman has passed through the child bearing years, nature has determined she has accomplished her job, produced the offspring and now it's her time to stop reproducing, thus no sex drive. Unfortuantely husbands don't know how nature works. I'm like you, I love him but would much rather sleep when I go to bed and the times I look forward to the most is my own personal time. I guess I would try scheduling the moments (but don't tell him that) kind of like you do everything else. Make them very intimate and special and plan them out. Your hubby will get some special time and feel more loved and you can check it off your list like everything else you do in your busy life. Maybe when life slows down for you and the kids are gone things could return to normal. I don't know, I'm not quite that far yet. Good luck to you.

S.

HI D., Well as you probably know there wont be any pills anytime soon since women's sex drive comes mostly from our mind. So with that all I can say is try to take more time to relax. Easier said than done with kids and work I know. But I do notice that when my husband and I go on vacation I always want to have sex more. Because I am relaxed and less it on my mind. Also try reading some sexy novels...I know that sounds funny but it may start making you think about sex more often. Sex is such an important part of a relationship and now that we are older to me it is quality not quantity:) Try at least once a month getting the kids out of your house and take a bath read a "book" and be with your husband. Its just a suggestion:) Good luck.

I totally understand. I also work full time with three children. Pass on any advice you get. I'm at t 5:30 and still doing dishes at 11. There's just no time. You and your husband are not alone.

Hi D. -

I've used an herbal tincture of Damiana before to boost my sex drive, and I think it worked pretty well. I'm sure your hectic home/work life is having a lot to do with it. I used to drive my husband crazy before our triplet boys were born, because I was the one who "wanted it" all the time. Ever since the boys came along (they are now 21 mos), I definitely have lost some steam, and our sexual roles have reversed. (I guess I should take a trip to the health food store, too!)

Have you ever done yoga? It is not only a great stress-reliever, but it really gets you in touch with your body and may help boost your drive. There is even Tantric yoga, which focuses on strengthening and channeling sexual energy. Or you may just want to try exercising more. Going for a walk or jog in the morning or afternoon can give you a pretty good energy boost. (If you do go the yoga route, I suggest taking a class instead of trying it at home yourself - unless you two want to give it a go together! You may also want to look for a couples or partner yoga workshop in your area.)

Or maybe you two could make the effort to take a dance class (like tango or salsa) together that could put a little more excitement into your life.

Or..try taking a nice long bath, then your hubby could give you a nice massage to warm you up, and voila! a romantic evening.

Good Luck
Dana

Hello D., When you get any answers to your question could you forward them to me. I have the same problem and don't know where to turn.

I am a happily married mom of 3 boys, 12, 9 and 4.

My husband and I have been married for 19 years and it was always 3-5 times a week, now it seems maybe 3-5 times a month and thats even stretching it.

Thank you in advance for your help also.

Cindy T

Not sure if you are on birth control, but that always lowers mine.

I'd just say Convince me, always worked for me :)Doc's say the less you do it, the less we want it. I always look to what I'm eating first. Are we getting the right kinds of nutrients to function properly? I'd suggest reading some Gary Null books, he has a wed site too. And here's a link to foods I found.
http://www.energiseforlife.com/wordpress/2009/how-to-kick...
Good Luck! A. H

Hi D.
You are not alone for sure. I am not sure what to tell you to do. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one out there like this. I have 2 kids and a day care and when I go to bed I just want to sleep. I hope you find something. Good Luck.
J.

The only thing I though of was the book I read "what a husband needs from his wife" really brought me and my husband closer and therefore more intimate. And make sure you are going out on dates with each other.

For me I have found a difference based on what birth control medicine I am on. It never hurts to try different things. And it happens to more people than we are aware. Stress always takes a huge toll on these things.

My company does offer a natural solution to your problem. You are not alone! If you want details, send me your e-mail address and I will forward ingredients, etc.

S.
____@____.com

Well dear... you have three children plus a home business. Doesn't leave much time for yourself does it?! In my experience, if you want to increase your sex drive... you have to take more time for yourself. Relax. Pamper yourself a bit... find a way to take some of the burden off. If women are tired it is hard for them to feel emotionally 'into' sex. And, for most women, the feeling has to be there before the body follows.

Also, once you have relaxed yourself... carve out some time just for you and hubby. Snuggle on the couch and watch a romantic movie... or a movie you both enjoy. Take a shower together... but don't expect it to lead to sex right away. Just find some time ALONE together and reconnect. I think if you relax yourself and then find time to really reconnect with hubby...those urges will return.

There are things you can do to help. There are various lubes out now that are warming...essentially increasing blood flow to your parts. Often, when the blood flow increases, desire is soon to follow! My husband and I (he is 4.5 years younger than I) have a great sex life...at least 5-6 times a week! But honestly, I don't always feel into it. That's where MY love for him comes into play (no pun intended!) I have found that a few things happen when I give him good sex even when I'd rather sleep. 1. After a minute or so of acting like I am way into it...I actually become way into it! Sort of, fake it till you make it! 2. Honestly, how long does it take to just do it? Even if it's 30 minutes or longer, what is that out of my day to please the man I love more than anything?!?! And 3. The more eager I am to make sure my husbands desires are met, the more secure he is that I love him and want him and he is very important to me!

Now, all of that said, I certainly would never want a woman to feel that it is her 'duty' to please her husband...thats ridiculous! But assuming sex is something that you USED to enjoy, maybe a change in perception of the situation would get sex back on your list of priorities. Think abou this...you have a husband who loves you and wants to have sex with you! What a problem to have!! :) Be grateful for that and take some time to just cuddle for a few minutes throughout the day and I think you'll see wonderful changes!

PS I must add that some medical conditions, especially after children, can cause libido decrease, so bring it up to your doc, too!

~L.

D.,

you are not alone....Being at SAHM and taking care of the kids wears on you. I am a very open person and was telling my friends and 3 of them, stay at home moms, jumped up and said me too. You make 4... It's hard being Super Mom, wonderful wife and having a life of your own and or your own thoughts..

I've found when I am in the mood, GO FOR IT NOW..and when I'm not TRY MY BEST. I was told this... If you aren't giving it to him, he may go and find it else where and I don't want that.

GOOD LUCK..WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS...