Low Sex Drive Straining Relationship

Thank you for asking the "question" - I look forward to the responses, as I, too, suffer from the same condition.

I know you have gotten so many responses, but I wanted to let you know that I am the same way along with all the other wonderful women here. I believe my lack of sex drive is due to pain medication I take for my bad back. I would like to know if there is any help out there for us so thanks for asking the question.

Oprah had a female doctor on her show and she said that a woman needs time alone to cultivate. I loved the way she put it.

L., my husband and I have had the same problem for most of our relationship. Then something amazing has been going on this last year. We have gone to a series of seminars called Discovery Training. The program is kind of like a rehab for your personality. Once Chad and I changed our motives for various issues (i.e. his pouting if I was too tired for sex or my low sex-drive) our entire relationship changed. I know it's hard to see, but your low sex-drive probably is not due to being too tired (although that can alter all moods) but has more to do with control. You feel spent and it's offensive that he doesn't see this so when he asks for sex or WORSE - POUTS about not getting it - then you resent him even more. On the other side, he NEEDS sex, as he is a male, and he begins to resent you for not caring enough to take his needs seriously. Remember, his motives for sex are probably not on the up and up either. If he is completely depending on you to meet his needs he is putting you on a pedestal and you cannot possibly ever suceed. Please consider this program. Here is the website: http://discovery-training.com/. It won't say alot about the activities b/c they really need you to be off your guard. But I don't know a soul who has regretted it. But go to the "about us" sections and it will give you the history.

Good luck!

Hello!
Fish oil , vitamin B 12 sublingual liquid or capsules,
caffeine pills, and other vitamin and herb supplements help a lot! You can google high energy supplements and get from Whole Foods.

Also, Dr. Helen Pensanti, MD, in California has a women's clinic. She specializes in these issues that everyone faces at some point in her life. She sells adrenal support, energy support, supplements to increase natural desire, progesterone cream. It all helps!
Saturday morning is a good time when you have had a good night's sleep. Putting on romantic music, watching a romantic movie and snuggling helps.
Your husband needs you to be interested! Havning energy helps a lot! You can build your strength# Don't despair!
Pray a lot! God will help!
Blessings!
Sincerely,
C. N

I read "the power of the praying wife" and it has a chapter on this exact issue. I thought was good. It explained how the man needs sex to open up, while women need to open up to have sex. It is contradictory, so that is a problem as we get busy with kids and etc.

This is a serious issue for a marriage. Mine broke up and that was the beginning. And in retrospect I see it was the beginning of the end. Or maybe the first in a series of red flags. It is an issue for both of you but you can only change you. And he is a man and as many people have already said here, their needs are different than ours.

I recommend you get really still and go inside your heart and ask yourself (I call it God) for the ability to open your heart to him, to see the vulnerable man he is and how much he needs you and wants you and how hard he works for you and your family. Even if it is not in the ways YOU want him to work. I bet if you could be inside of his mind you would see what he is trying to do, for all of you, and you would be awed by it.

It matters not, that it shows 110% of the time, nor if it is YOUR way. Then when your heart is open you will be able to be open to him....that will get the ball rolling. THEN...after sex, he will feel better, you will feel better because you will be more connected and his heart will be more open and willing to communicate his needs, dreams, desires with you. And that is probably what you want. Sounds crazy but I believe it works. I know the way you described did not work. I lived it.

All you can change is you, and your response, and when you change the world shifts with you. Good luck!

Let me know what you find out, because I am in the same boat as you!

Your doctor should be able to give you some suggestion or a prescribe something for you.
May God bless you.

S. K.

L., (I love your name!)

You are not alone. I know exactly how you feel.

My first response would be to exercise, but you are already training for a marathon! :) Great for you!

This is something that our husbands don't seem to understand. When they get over worked, and over stressed, sex actaully helps them release and relax. For us women though, it seems to be just one more chore to put on our list.

Maybe you should try thinking about sex today. Really think about it in all the good ways! Think about your husbands touch, his smell, the way his body feels against yours, and the way you can feel his breath when he kisses your neck. Tell yourself that tonight is the night - and it is going to feel so good! :) (To graphic?!)

If that doesn't work - look at sex as exercise. Or "sexercise" if you will. You can work your quads, hamstrings, core, abs, even upper body if you do it right! ;)

What I am trying to say is to look at it in a different light. You really need to change your mindset about it so you can even fathom the idea of getting in the mood.

That is what has worked for me anyway!

No, you are not the only one not having sex at least 2-3 times a week! LOL :) Have you tried mutual massages? Giving and receiving massages will help you both unwind from your busy day and would really work wonders for setting the mood. Do this after your kids are in bed, of course. Another thing that worked for me is an estrogen cream. My doctor perscribed something called Estrace for postpartum vaginal dryness and tearing, which was what I was experiencing even up to 3-4 months after giving birth. It worked wonders for the dryness and tearing, and I also noticed a wonderful side effect of an increase in my sex drive! The only drawback is that you can't use it if you're still breastfeeding. It's worth a try to ask your OBGYN about it when you have your appointment.

L., I usually have a very healthy desire for sex. There have been times in my life when I had no interest, these are the things that made me not want to have sex. 1) My partner was not kind to me or understaning of what I was going through
2) When it seemed he was only interested in his own gratification 3) when I am extremely exhausted/stressed. I found that if I just spoke up for myself and my partner was sensitive to my needs it helped a lot. Also, men equate sex with love, it is a vital part to a good marriage. Some women may disagree but, men won't.

You are not alone. I asked my doctor about the same thing. There is no "magic pill" for women to take. Beyond that, I'm not sure what advise to give you. I hope you can talk to your husband about how you feel. Sometimes, like other things in life, you have to make a choice to "do it" :) even when you don't feel like it. (Probably not what you want to hear!) And take the time to look at everything on your plate and see if there is anything that could be re-prioritized to allow you a little more couple time. I find that having a date with my hubby, where we can just have a little time to ourselves to feel like adults again and talk without the children interrupting etc., I feel a little closer to him again and that helps.(Women want intimacy. Men just want sex. - Ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?)

I had the SAME problem - so don't feel alone, I went to my OBGYN. He prescribed testosterone, and it's bringing me to a somewhat of a normal drive. Personally I would not wait a month to so your OBGYN, I'd move it up (I had too). Sex in a marriage is too important to wait.

I asked my OBGYM about this, too, because after having my daughter, my drive has been a lot lower, too. She said it is common, but didnt offer any suggestions, except to make time for the two of us, etc. Let me know if you get any good responses, cuz it bothers me, too.

Can I just say something from the other point, my husband has a very low sex drive. which is weird I know. It is awful feeling this physical & emotional need & feeling so consistently rejected by your spouse. I go to bed crying so many nights. I applaud you for making the effort to do something about it. Even if he never says your spouse will appreciate your willingness to work on this for him. I know I would. I feel like the only woman that goes weeks sometimes longer without sex. Good luck to you. Are sexual relationship is very important to a marriage

Sounds like you have already gotten some excellent advice but in the interest of covering all of the bases here's my 2 cents.
You and your husband should take some time out for yourself, like going out on a date without the pressure of feeling like you have to perform.
Discuss the difficulties that you are having and realize that you are not a machine but a woman made of flesh and blood.
I find open and honest communication the best balm for most things.
If your husband is already helping out around the house and with the girls school, then you might let some of those things go while you take care of yourself.
One of the most important words we can learn is "no"!
When someone asks you to chair this or take care of this and you are already strectched just say no.
Along with all of the other advice you should be fine!
(p.s. congratulations on training to run a marathon - you go girl!)

i had that problem when i was pregnant...was unfortunate because my husband and i were having sex up to 3, sometimes 4!, times a day before that. so, it was definitely interfering with our relationship once my sex drive dropped. my husband would get extremely cranky after just 2 days without sex!! i think you should put your relationship first, though. it seems like you have WAY too much going on. many times women stretch themselves thin to avoid other aspects of their lives. even though you do a lot, i don't think it excuses you from not being intimate with your husband. afterall, you commited to HIM with your wedding vows, not your job and everything else you have going on. that new jewish guy on oprah explained it well: sex to a man is like buying flowers and doing the dishes to a woman. it's just a way showing your appreciation to your husband. so, i don't think the issue is your body, necessarily...you may need to speak with a therapist and find out what's hindering you mentally from being intimate more often with your husband. i know it can be very frustrating to feel "obligated" to have sex with him, and i've shared many arguments with my husband when i felt cornered or too much pressure to have sex. the best thing we did was buy a toy from the sex shop together--my choice!--and i swear it really can make a difference if you're willing to keep your husband happy!

I also have a much lower drive than my husband, and its been hard. What works best for me is to initiate sex myself whenever I'm even remotely in the mood... it helps break the cycle of him always asking and me saying no, and makes him feel more desired. Also, if I've initiated sex recently, I'm more willing to let my self off the hook and say no when I'm really too tired. I'm also trying to communicate to him that my low drive isn't about him ... its about my hormones and the fact that I'm just overworked and too darned tired. I've tried gently explaining to him that I might be more in the mood if I had a little more help, but I haven't really had success with that yet! Well, I'm not sure I offered too much in the way of practical advice, but you aren't the only woman out there! Good luck.

I had this same issue earlier on in my marriage, but once we worked out some of our emotional issues, my sex drive was back to normal. I'm wondering if you are doing too much and you maybe resent your husband for not helping you more around the house? I know it's none of my business, and I'm not prying, but sometimes the little things can really build up and manifest themselves in ways you don't expect. It sounds like you are working HARD in a lot of different areas, earning a paycheck, caring for your family, training for a marathon, helping at school, etc. If he's not stepping up to help more at home or with the girls' school, it may be bothering you on some deeper level and you don't even realize it consciously. Just a thought.

By the way, my husband is now taking medication that affects his libido and I am about to climb the walls. I really do get cranky when I have to go two weeks or more without sex! We can laugh about it now and say it's payback for the earlier days. :)

Hey L., no your not the only one that has every had this issue. And anyone that says they never have is lieing.
Besides talking to you ob/gyn about this (be sure to have her run blood work and check your thyroid)
Not only was some of mine my low thyroid but I was also working full time, 3 daughters, and everything else in the household.
My husband and I talked and I let him know the more I did without help the less he got. Plane and simple. Oh yes my daughters helped me with things around the house, but as you know there are still things you would rather do your self.
Good luck. Plan one night a week with no kids, like those dates we have all had in high school. Have a date with hubby it will make a difference.

L.,

Sounds like normal hormone imbalance that MANY women suffer from but rarely get true help for. I personally wouldn't bother with a conventional GYN. He/she will probably try to pump you up with dangerous drugs or synthetic hormones. Sooner of later it will progress to a difficult menapause transition and then they will push you to have surgery to take out your organs.

Hormone imbalance is best fixed through: improved nutrition, detox programs, exercise, good sleep habits, quality supplements like fish oil, vitamin C, B-12, adrenal support, etc., and examination of emotional stressors in your life including your relationship with your husband.

Some places to start are books:

-Womens Bodies Women's Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup. Also check out her former private practice's website www.womentowomen.com.

-What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenapause by Dr, John Lee

For a good local practitioner who understands all these issues, try Dr. Margaret Christensen at www.christensencenter.com. Ask to be put on the waiting list. You should get an appointment.

Good luck!

really sharing emotionally and clearing up any resentment will truly help. Tell him how you feel and that you are working on it and for him to be understanding and encouraging.

Living Green has a female libido enhancing supplement you can buy at Whole Foods. The other vitamins and supplements mentioned are good as well.

I also think getting in touch with your libido and your sexuality on your own is important to get it jump started for when your husband touches you at a later time. This has helped for me. Perhaps you need to practice alittle by yourself, in whatever way you prefer, to get that part of your brain, body, and chemistry back in action and introduce the sensual component back into your busy routine.

I am in the same position as you are right now and I am only 28, after I had my son, who will be 2 on Sunday, my libido has been zilch. My husband works a lot so he isn't climbing the walls or anything and we are both able to talk about it and wish that we would have sex more often. We talk about, think about it all day, do special things for each other, flirt throughout the day and really try to get ourselves in the mood, but when it comes down to it we always fall asleep and go straight to sleep. I don't know what the problem is but I have a Dr appt with my OBGYN and have already told her I would like to discuss it, so we will see. Once I hear somehting I will write back and let you know what she tells me. Good luck!

Hey L.-
I wanted to respond to you, because I am doing nutrition response testing and I know it can help you. It could be your pituitary, ovaries, thyroid, anything. I am a chiropractor, so this is an all natural approach. This stuff works! And fast! You should call us and at least talk to our front desk about it. ###-###-####.

L.,
So I didn't read all of the responses but of the ones I did read no one has mentioned birth control. I was started on bc from a young age for cysts and cycle control. I never noticed problems until I got married. I had no real drive whatsoever. And to make it worse my hubby has the sex drive of a 16yo boy! We picked a day to always have sex and I started to get anxious on that day for fear that I wouldn't want to have sex or not be in the mood which of course made me not in the mood. When we decided to get pregnant and I got off of the bc I had a much better sex drive, and the sex itself was much better! After my baby I refused to have any hormones again. I decided to have the paraguard IUD put in. My cycles are heavier than they were on bc but other than some cramping the first few cycles I have had no problem with it at all. And now I find myself wanting sex and even initiating! It has been the best thing for our sex life.
I also agree that a date night at least once a month would be good for y'all. A few glasses of wine or a drink or two always helps put me in the mood!
I realize all of this is of no use if you are not on hormones but hopefully it will be helpful.
Good luck
A.

i'm the same way! but i'm not in a relationship, so it's not a problem! but the same thing happened to someone else in my family, and i think it helped ende her marriage, but her husband was really rude about it, they went to counseling and decided that they needed to pick one night, where they would for sure have sex, and then he was not supposed to drive her nuts about it the rest of the week, well, she ended up dreading that one night, but that plan worked for awhile, there are also hormones that you can take that will perk up your drive, you can ask your obgyn about them, but i just think that some people really don't need that or want that and that is hard to change! i feel bad for men, because their drive really doesn't seem to change or be a mental thing, there's is no natural with their bodies, and it's weird why there are so many women like us that really don't care for it at all! the true test would be to see if you could have one night with someone like brad pitt or something, to see if you had a drive then, to find out, is it really you? or is something missing with your husband, you know? but either way, i know it's one of the worst things that couples can disagree on, but i think it's the most common source of stress in a marriage... then i hear of some couples, where it's the woman that wants to all the time and the man doesn't, but those people never seem to be married to each other! the low drive man and the low drive woman would be perfect together! i wish they had some sort of test that you could determine that before marriage! but i think the low drive men are harder to find! it's a tough situation, good luck! keep us posted!

I think you need some ME time. Get a massage, and have him watch the kids, or..go together and then have a glass of red wine at a pretty place. Or... go out of town, alone, and visit someone who you can just relax. You will be surprised at how just taking a minute fir you, brings it back. And gives HIM, a chance to be "mommy" and see what you are dealing with as well. Good luck!

Definitely not alone but try "Happy Camper"! It is a natural immune and mood booster. Found it at Central Market. It comes in a yellow box. Worked for me!! Good luck!

L.,
You are not alone; however, you have to make your marriage and sex life a priority in your "things to do." If not, it will be the last thing that you may or may not get to and your relationship will fall to the wayside. One book that my husband and I have read is "The Five Love Languages." It is great, because it does explain that different people have different love languages (gifts, service, touch, etc). Some people love to give or receive gifts; some people love to receive touch; some people love to serve or be served. So, if your husband is not filling your love language, then you aren't going to want to fill his. Basically, if you are not getting what you need, then you are unable/less likely to give what your partner needs.

I've also read that for women, sex starts in the morning - with a little touch, a little neck nuzzle, him doing the dishes, him giving you a card to know how much you mean to him and then you are starting to think about it during the day and building to it. It's not just okay, let's jump in bed and get going. On the other hand, if you husband isn't doing the little things, then you can initiate that too. You can send him a sexy email, talk dirty to him on the phone, touch him in the morning. These are things that will get you thinking about sex and possibly make it something to look forward to. The main thing is making it a priority when you have so much going on. Sometimes it is doing it when you don't feel like it - getting in the mood through foreplay. Normally, if we get started then the rest follows.

I hope this helps.
Good luck!!
V.

L.,

Your are definately not alone!

I'm 28 and have just recently married. We have been having some issues already and it is truly affecting me. I don't want to have sex, even when we aren't arguing. I think its really not resolving the issues that has me not being in the mood. He is all the time...and gets upset with me and asks me why, whats wrong with him, etc. I really feel subconciously there are things him and I need to talk through. Maybe you feel overwhelmed with everything you are doing. Training for a marathon is HUGE - you go girl!!! Stress can really affect your libido as well! Mine was almost zilch when I was working full time, attending college full time, full time mom, etc. Maybe you should try just taking some "me" time and relaxing, finding your happy place. Just thought I'd give my 2 cents. Good Luck!

God Bless!

You are definitely not the only one, my dear. The meds I am taking affect my sex drive. I don't even remember the last time. (Sorry, if TMI) It makes me sad, but my mind is going 100 different directions and that's the last thing I am thinking about. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Good luck to you!

Been there done that.... my help was - I realised that I didn't want my marriage to end so I insisted on counseling - I have a good one if you want on Preseton Road - he's male so my husband related to him... following that I got a hormone saliva test done to find out that of course my progesterone was low - but also I have very low testosterone - I have started bio dentical hormones and guess what... surprise surprise I'm feeling receptive... contact me if you feel I can help..