Male Tumbling Coach Tickling Girls ... Am I Over-reacting?

i think there's a lot of hysteria about 'touching.' it's sad that a teacher can't hug a kid any more.
that being said, ANY time the child is uncomfortable with it, especially in a situation where it's a male teacher with young girls and the parents aren't present, it's time for a screeching halt.
i wouldn't make it a huge huffy deal with the gym owner, but a simple and forthright statement. 'the coach is tickling the girls, and it's making annabella very uncomfortable. i'm not going to make her put up with that.'
i hope you're able to find her a new tumbling class soon.
khairete
S.

For me personally, it doesn't matter what the coach's actual intent is. In other words, it doesn't matter to me whether he meant it in a sexual way or not. It also doesn't matter to me whether it's appropriate from an objective perspective.

If my daughter is feeling uncomfortable for ANY reason, I would pull her out, especially if it's easy to find another class.

If you believe that it's likely it was sexual/inappropriate, I would tell the gym owner. If not, I don't think you need to give a reason.

ETA: Sorry - but if I'm NOT allowed to observe? My child isn't going there. I don't care if I have to sit behind a glass wall - I'm PAYING to have my child trained - I'm GONNA watch.
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Run his name through the state sexual offender registry.

Talk with the owner of the tumbling class. They need to know what is going on.

Why did you NOT stay for practice? You should stay and watch. I do.

I would also commend your daughter, not just for communicating with you, but for listening to her OWN intuition. SHE feels something is inappropriate. That is powerful! For her to understand that she is right to listen to that feeling and act on those feelings (whether it is telling you, telling him, or whatever... she did not ignore how she felt) is a good thing. Not all kids listen to themselves in that way. Society teaches kids to tamp down those feelings and ignore them, "to be polite."
Good for her.

ETA: per your SWH, I would commend her for communicating with you. Good for you for keeping those lines open.., you'll need it in the future. If she prefers not to go back, that's great but I wouldn't just pull her because she did nothing wrong.

Original:
When my daughter was in cheer training with male coaches, I did not drop her off and go on my way. We (moms) stayed and watched from the viewing area.

It's a very expensive sport and I wanted to see what I was paying for. I've been in pricy studios where the instruction was lax and the team just socialized because no parents bothered to stick around to see what was going on.

Tumbling does have a coach spotting the child which involved some touch " professional".

I'd be livid if tickling was a part of the time I paid for and I'd make sure the owner was aware that a coach was tickling the students. I know they'll say it's all in fun due to the strictness in instruction to "lighten things up".

You do realize that some girls on the team may have a crush on the coach. I know my daughter had a coach the girls loved and many would be all huggy with him which was also inappropriate.

Do not make the assumption that this coach is a predator. This behavior is not professional and it does need to be addressed with the owner of the gym.

I would also run his name through the predator site. I know of 3 coaches in the DFW area that were charged with indecent behavior with students.

ETA: Please tell the owner. If you just withdraw your child, and this guy is a molester, then he's going to continue doing it to other children. Something must be said. If he's a normal guy, then he can learn that his actions are inappropriate.

Original: Instead of withdrawing your daughter, you should tell the gym owner. What do you say? You say that the coach is constantly tickling the little girls, and that your daughter is very uncomfortable with it.

He either needs to stop tickling them, or get a new job that doesn't involve kids.

I was molested at your daughter's age, and I can tell you that when a man tickling you is making you uncomfortable, there's a reason for it. The guy who molested me liked to tickle me. This coach needs to stop, now.

If she doesn't want to go back, by all means honor that request. When you talk to the owner, I think you could go from the perspective that its unprofessional and ypu daughter doesn't like it (I would have hated it to - I have always hated to be tickled). No need to be accusatory.

I also think that you should commend her for talking to you about it and also make sure she knows how to look an adult in the eye and say "stop, I don't want you to do that. ". Having you take her seriously is empowering, and learning to stand for herself in the moment (and tell you as soon as possible after) is even more empowering. Because as she gets older, you might not always be close by to tell right away.

It makes no sense to me that a coach would tickle 9 year old girls. I love Suz T. answer and would follow her advice however first I would ask your daughter to demonstrate exactly what the coach did by tickling you the same way. The man could possibly lose his job and I would just want to make sure I knew exactly what my daughter meant by tickling.

I am so glad to see you pulled your daughter out without hesitation. She needs to know that 1. she should always come to you with things like this 2. that you will listen 3. that you will take her seriously and, most importantly, 4. she should ALWAYS trust her intuition! Even if everything in this situation turns out okay (although I am very creeped out), this is an excellent life lesson for her. If she ever feels uncomfortable, that someone is "too nice," etc. she will know to trust her gut and remove herself from the situation.

Absolutely talk to the owner and withdraw your daughter. I would ask the other parents to ask their daughters about tickling so that they can make a good judgment.

Your daughter is to be commended for coming to you about this.

If you are not welcome in the gym and there is no inside seating area where you can easily see her lessons, I would take her out of that program and find one that welcomes parent presence. Ultimately you are responsible for protecting your child, the situation she is in now makes her easy prey for a pedophile. And on another issue, if she is not being taught in safe ways during lessons, and perhaps get could be injured, how will you know? Find a gym where you can watch and enjoy her progress, where she is more comfortable with the coach.

I'd complain and report him.
In future I'd stay through practices, watch him like a hawk and pitch a fit if he tries it again.
Tumbling does not involve tickling.
No coach I have ever seen, heard of or worked with, male or female, has EVER tickled anyone.
I'd be upset that my child was forced out of something she might really like over someone abusing his position and power.
He NEEDS to go - not the kids.

Additional:
Parents are not allowed at the gym?
That complete bull for their rules - if I can't watch my kid and neither can other parents then this is not a healthy place for kids to be.
If your daughter doesn't want to go back, then fine but this guy needs to be reported and fired.

Of course you should take this seriously, but why would you pull your daughter from an activity she (I assume) enjoys for something that's absolutely not her fault? What kind of message is that sending her?
She's going to feel like she's running away, like SHE did something wrong.
PLEASE, stay and observe next time. Teach your daughter how to tell a person (adult, child, male, female, it doesn't matter) "please don't tickle me, I don't like that."
Once you've had a chance to see this coach at work you can decide how to proceed.
Don't, don't, don't punish your daughter for this.
If the coach is being creepy or inappropriate HE needs to go. Period.

I just read your SWH.

Interested to see how owner responds.

I always handle stuff like this in person or on phone - but it's also good that you have it documented.

One thing I thought of was that as a gymnast, I had coaches put their hands under my armpits at times to lift me to the bar or rings for example, and on my waist to spot me during floor work, etc.

So she may come back and say that's all it was. I'm guessing your daughter showed you what he did that she considered tickling. If it was meant to have the girls laugh or an actual tickle tickle then of course, that's not appropriate and has nothing to do with tumbling. Just weird.

I think removing her was the best option for you - if your daughter is uncomfortable, better to not have her around this guy and to always be wondering. Good for you for reporting.

First and for most let me start by saying, as an educator, any facility that does not allow the parents to come in RED FLAG. You should be allowed to enter any building your child is in. And no adult Male or Female should touch a child in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable. I would contact the owner and the other parents as well. They way if they can make sure it is safe for the children that are still there. It could be that it is actually nothing going on, but they need to know they are making some (even if its one) of the children uncomfortable) goof luck.

You've good advice here.. I would just also commend your daughter for telling you.. if you can't even watch them practice, that's an issue right there.. red flag all over the place..

Sounds like you have plenty other options..

Good luck!

I think Marda's answer is pretty complete, but I do agree that you should maybe inquire further from your daughter. I think commending her that she had an "uh-oh" feeling and telling you about it is awesome. I'm sure you already told her that, but I think it's important to reiterate that when kids have that strange feeling of "uh oh" or uncomfortableness they should act upon it and not ignore it, which she did, but she probably doesn't quite understand that feeling as intuition. Also, if you haven't already, give your daughter some strategies to stop people from doing things she doesn't like, like saying "no" loudly, putting both hands up, etc. If this behavior is truly benign and the coach is just simply unaware that his gestures may be making kids uncomfortable this would be a way to clue him in and a way for your daughter to be empowered.

I don't think it's an overreaction to change gyms if that's your only option and it seems it is. But I also agree that you need to speak with the owner and encourage her to, at the very least, observe the coach. You don't need to be accusatory at all, just simply state the facts... Daughter was really uncomfortable that Coach kept ticking her and the other girls. This is what she described to me (insert description). We've had a good experience here but we're going to find a gym and coach where my daughter is more comfortable, thanks for understanding.

Most gymnastic gyms are like you described, hard to see, parents aren't allowed it, it's very crowded, noisy, etc. So you'll likely encounter that everywhere you go, so keep encouraging your daughter to listen to her inner voice!

I read your "So what happened" and am glad you have moved forward. It is important that you talk with the owner, whether she chooses to call you or not. You need to describe the facts as reported by your daughter. I would not recommend chatting with other parents about it. Your responsibility is to report was impressions you have received from your daughter. If you think it was sexual in nature, I would recommend contacting the police as Marda recommended. I am pleased you will be moving on to another place. All my best to you and your daughter.

Tickling a person against his/her will is not funny, it's abusive.

not sure about the guidelines, but i do think a chat with the gym owner is in line. you can let her know that the tickling is making your daughter uncomfortable and see if theres a different coach to train her (rather then just withdraw her)
something simple like: "is there a different coach that could be my daughters coach? mr. _______ likes to tickle the girls which makes my daughter uncomfortable"
no accusing, just simply stating a fact, and the outcome of an action.

This is very much not okay - and a red flag.
http://blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2015/04/tickled-by-...

I think you've gotten a lot of good information so far.

Just thought I would add that I worked in a kids room at a gym (exercise).
We were not to have any males working in the kids room. This was explained to me that the owner would have to up his liability insurance if they employed a male in the kids room.

My point in sharing this is, if the owners of the gym are good owners they will understand from a liability perspective why you are telling them about this concern. A good owner will see this as a way to prevent bigger problems and either retrain this person or find another way to prevent this from becoming a bigger issue.

If they don't respond...well you have your answer.

If it makes your daughter uncomfortable, then it isn't ok. Without more info, it's hard to know what's really going on. Tickling girls of that age probably isn't appropriate regardless, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions without seeing it. I would ask your daughter questions about where on her body she's being tickled and in what circumstance.

Because it bothers your daughter, he needs to stop doing it to her immediately. Talk to him directly and/or to the owner of the gym to express your concerns. Ask other parents what they and their girls think of the new coach, without giving them any information or a reason to think there is something wrong.

Since there are other gyms available, you are probably better off switching if that's what your daughter wants to do. However, I still think you need to tell the gym owner so she can look into the situation.

I understand not being allowed IN the gym, however, for them NOT to provide an acceptable place for parents to watch? I don't like.

you really need to talk with your daughter about her experience. Is this coach tickling ALL the girls or just a few? have her SHOW you how he is tickling her and the others. You need more information from her.

If you have his full name? Run his name against the sexual registry. Hopefully, the gym did it before they hired him. Who knows!

I'd pull her but I would also let the management know why. If it's an isolated incident where you child just doesn't like it but everyone else is having a blast, so be it. If he's getting complaints from other parents, then he could be let go. I'm hoping he's just having fun and enjoying his position. However, he can be grooming children for something down the road.

My dd's old gymnastics gym fired a male coach for something similar. Whether they are being "inappropriate" or not, you would think a male coach would know the ramifications of any type of unnecessary touching. It's a slippery slope with coaching tumbling or gymnastics...there is some legitimate spotting that has to be done for safety...but tickling? Forget it - totally out of line!

Wow, are there coaching classes to help him understand inappropriate? We have come a long way, and tickling is unacceptable.

I don't know that you have to give any reason at all, unless you are under contract. I would just caution because in our sport everyone knows everyone and it doesn't take long for the gossip to get started. Protect your daughter from the rumor mill as well as being black balled from other gyms.

I keep checking this post for updates.

Without going into any personal history, I will simply say that I am very pleased that you took your daughter seriously and acted appropriately.

Not only did you deal with her present situation, but you laid even more groundwork for a very trusting relationship. She knows Mom will listen and protect her.

Good for you, Mom!