Manipulations of a Father

Hi M...I didn't read through all the responses, so I don't know if anyone has mentioned this. But, I would be careful in letting your ex insure your son’s car.
My dad told my brother if he paid for his own car, he would take care of the insurance. He ended up letting the policy lapse and my brother did not find out until he was in an accident and attempted to file a claim. I don't know if your ex would be that malicious (my dad did it intentionally to be a jerk and teach my brother "a lesson in life"), but since your ex hasn't kept his word in the past it may not be worth the risk.
I tried to talk my brother out of trusting my dad, but just like your son he thought I was trying to hurt him not help him. He still has debt from the accident and lost his license for a few years due to being in an accident with out insurance. I would try to explain to your son the risk of trusting your ex to continue paying the policy by pointing out the times that he has not followed through. Also, let him know of the risks involved if the policy lapses and he unknowingly continues to drive.
Also, my brother is currently using my 2nd car (title is in my name) but has a separate policy that is only in his name so I know that it's possible. Good luck!

Hi M.,

I to have a "X from hell", so I understand a little what you are going through. I dont think you are being unreasonable. I know that there is no way my husband or I would ever let my 17yr old son, sign over any car that we had purchased, over to my X. What's so hard about writing a check for the amount of the Insurance and forwarding it to your son or even to you to pay the car insurance. The car doesnt need to be in his name. He's just being difficult. He just trying to make you look like the bad guy. He knows you are going to advise your son against it, which in return is going to upset your son, and make your son mad at you. But, remember--your son will get glad in the same pants he got mad in. He'll get over it. You are his mother, and you are trying to look out for him and spare him a lot of pain. What happens if he signs over the car to his dad, and then his dad and him get into a fight or a disagreement and his dad decides to take the car away. If the car is in his name Im pretty sure he could do it or at least try. Believe me arguements and fights happen, my son did not speak to his father for a whole year because of a fight they had. Definitly sounds like your X has control issues. And now he is trying to control your son by using a car that you and your husband bought. I know this is not an easy situation you are going through, but hang in there and stand firm. You are only acting out of Love and Concern for your son. Sounds like to me your X is the unreasonable one. He's just making things difficult. If he really wanted to help your son all he would have to do is write a check or send some cash. Not that hard. Take Care.....Good Luck to you and your family...May God Bless you and your family with good health, and happiness.

Hey sweetheart, DO NOT let him take your son's name off the title -- that is a lie, he could add him to his insurance and leave all the names exactly as they are. Call your insurance agent right away and talk about it. I am SURE of it. My insurance agent is a huge help when I have questions. If I can help you, put you in touch with him, let me know.

Thank God you have moved on, this guy sounds like the worst kind of worse! It's not worth the grief to you and your boys to keep hanging on to the promises of a user, believe me. My Dad is just like this guy (and he's a lawyer) and he manipulated my sister and I to death with promises to help us over the years (while he gave his step kids everything because their momma demanded it). I just finally had to cut myself off from him. Good luck and I hope it works out. God bless you and your children.

Your X does not have to own your sons car in order to insure it. That is a load of hooey. For years my husband and I insured our oldest daughters car and it was one that she purchased on her own. It can be done ( It is called write him a check or give him the cash.) Do not allow him to own a car that he did not pay for. As a matter of fact, I would tell him that if he wants to pay for the car then you will be all to willing to put the title ect in his name, otherwise make the checks out to your 18 year old son.

I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like very frustrating situation. You have to realize what is in your control and what is not. Your ex will always be outside of your scope of control. He may be trying to mnipulate and may try to take advantage of the situation once the car is in his name. It may be a lesson your son has to learn. Telling him or trying to manipulate the situation so he sees his dad in this light is not going to hit home as well as letting him learn (for better or worse) what the consequences are for trusting his dad. I can't promise it might not be an expensive lesson but the lesson he learns today is always less expensive than the lesson he learns tomorrow. I would suggest sitting down with him and explaining his options and the possible outcomes. He needs to make the decision on his own, otherwise you're the bad guy and he's not learned from his choices. He also needs to understand what you will and will not choose to do financially. Best of luck.

M.,

Under no circumstances, should your son sign over the Title of the car to your X. If your son signs over the Title, the car then belongs to your X, period. Your X will be able to do what he wants when he wants with the car and if that means selling the car from under you son, then so be it. Are you willing to risk that just to get him to pay insurance? I agree with the insurance agent. If he truely wants to help, he can take out a policy in your sons name and pay for it.

Before I even started typing, I knew my suggestion was not going to fit your style but I'm throwing it out there anyway. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and you know your Ex in a manipulating, SOB of a control freak. Accept it and use it to your son's benefit.
You offer to pay the insurence, no strings attacted. The car and insurence stays in your son's name and tell the Ex that you will just be giving the son the nomey to help cover it. If he is ture to form the Ex will try to one up you with a better offer. This will also show your son what is really going on with out him being mad at you. By the way, if there is no car payments, you can get away with minimum liability to save money. Good grades and such help. Good Luck

I completely agree with Vicki. Do not let your son sign over the title. When he does, he will most likely take it to trade it in for something a little pricier (that mom couldn't afford) to make himself look better. Not to mention it would save him a little bit of money cause there is a trade in and it's not all coming outta his pocket now! Your Ex sound like a real A*......piece of work. Glad you got rid of him and found your angel. No matter what he does for the boys though, when it all comes down to who they can count on and rely on for all the bumps along the road, deep down inside they know that mom is the only one who really cares. Not because she has to or feels obligated too, but because she wants too. They are probably so desperate for their dads attentions (since he has his other family, whatever!) that they will do just about anything to feel like he wants them, even if all of his efforts are just a show.
I wish you luck hun. This is definately not an easy situation to have to deal with. I don't have personal experience, but I have witnessed a lot of situations like this growing up and becoming an adult myself. I don't know why the BAD (I say that because that's what they usually are) thinks that everything has to be a competion.
I wish you luck hun and keep your head up. It takes a strong woman to raise 3 boys with or without help. I know this because my brother has 2 step sons my nephew.
Merry Christmas, and may God bless your family this holiday season.

i can't offer any help on your situation, but what i can tell you is that the car does NOT have to be in dad's name in order for it to be on his insurance. a few years ago my car was only in my dad's name however only i carried the insurance on it and his name wasn't listed anywhere on insurance. hope this helps a little anyway

#1- As long as you continue to think of him "X" as the "devil" he will continue to act in that manner.
#2- Check into the insurance laws for yourself then discuss it with your son without downing your X's motives.
#3- Your son will always love his father. Try not to make him see his father as you do. Because there was a time that he to was sent your way and you saw Good.
#4- Continue to give Thanks for your good fortune 3 boys and a Girl husband and the joys of life

You're in a tough spot. Instinct says to write of the X, even if your son needs to get a part time job to help pay for insurance. It teaches responsibility and isn't the end of the world.

On the other hand, insurance depends on the state it's written in, and perhaps the company. My parents are divorced, and when I moved to Texas to go to college (Dad lived there), we had to put the car in his name for insurance. It wasn't a big deal for our situation, but could be for others like yours. I'd definately call an insurance agency and ask about the state your X lives in if it's different from your own.

Well, through everything, you have managed to keep a sense of humor ("I was married to the devel and then God finally felt sorry for me"). I LOVE it!

With regards to the insurance situation; the car does NOT need to be in your ex's name in order to provide insurance for him. He can do an automatic bank draft from his account or send a check OR give the money to his son and have his son take it down to the insurance office and pay with cash. He's trying to manipulate the situation.

I have a father that I haven't talked to in about 6 years because he is the KING OF MANIPULATION. He's always one to do something and then later down the road ask for something to be done for him because he's given me X or paid for X. I would rather do without or figure out a way to pay for it myself. The unfortunate part is that your son is only 18 and although an adult his mind isn't thinking like one. He more than likely sees when his dad does something good and not his true colors. The only thing you can hope for is that time will be on your side. I was the same way. My dad would be a jerk and then do something nice and I would think he's changing and would buy into him only to be hurt again. I'm now 41 and my dad is trying to get back into the life of me and my siblings by sending Christmas Cards. As much as I would like him in my life because I have a 6-month old that he's never seen and will more than likely never meet, I don't trust him and do not want to set myself or my little girl up to only be disappointed. I could deal with it but as a mom, I, too am trying to be protective of my child.

You will prevail. Good always does over evil. Just keep doing what you're doing. He will realize it all soon enough and I'm sure to some degree he already does.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

No, he doesn't have to have the title to get the insurance! Your son is 18! He is going to have to make his own decisions now! Let him learn! But a tid of extra advice is that in your signature you talk about your devil husband and your children from your devil husband, and now your angel child. You know I bet if you are talking about them that way here even if youdon't mean to you are sounding that way with them and your other boys probably picking up on it! Maybe he is wanting to rebel!

M., I am an insurance agent. The ex can pay for the insurance without the car being titled to him. He doesn't have to list the car & your son on his policy. Your son can have his own policy. It might be a bit more expensive, but it would be the best way for him to help out. The ex is being unreasonable asking for the car to be titled in his name.

The car does not have to be in the Xs name for him to insure it. Maybe have your son call an actual insurance agent and ask them questions so that he can see his dad is lying.

Your ex does not have to have title to a vehicle to insure it. I'm sorry for your kids that their step-siblings get better cars than they get, but try to make them see that it's probably because the new wife is a whiny little princess, and your ex is probably having to pay through the nose for the privilege. Be honest about it, but try not to let your bitterness show through. Your kids will be prouder of you if you don't fall victim to their dad's manipulations than if you lower yourself to his level--they may not realize it now, and it might be 10-20 years before you see it, but it will happen.

Turn it to a benefit--it is good for your son not to get everything he wants, unlike the spoiled princesses of the world. It is good to work for what you get, instead of it being handed to you.

Finally, realize that regardless of what your ex-husband is now, was, or has ever done, he is still your sons' father. There is a connection there that will not easily be broken. They still want their father's love and approval--and probably always will. He may be a jerk, but he is still their father. Don't get involved in a grudge match.

I'm sure someone else has said this already, but put the insurance in your son's name and make your ex give the money to your son. I would not trust the ex to take care of the insurance payments on his own even if it was in his name.

My fiance's car is actually in my name (I had better credit) & the insurance is in my name, but he gives me the money every month for the car payment and insurance. I don't see why your ex could not do the same. Tell him if he wants to help with insurance, this is how he has to do it. Having the car & insurance in your son's name will protect what is his, and help teach him his own responsibilities (paying bills on time, earning credit by owning a car (is it paid for or is he making payments?)). If your ex is really willing to help, he needs to help in a way that will actually help your SON and not your ex.

Good luck!

well i can def see why you are so aggravated with the situation! my advice is...i understand where your son is coming from because at that age you grab on to all the help you can get to get on your feet and gain some independance. the ultimate goal is for all 3 boys to be independant enough not to need their fathers help. i dont think you need to have the title in the dads name either so that being said, have your son make up a ligitimate excuse on why he needs the car in his name and put him on the spot about it. if the dad is soley trying to manipulate the situation then it will be even more clear to your son. at that point your son can learn another life lesson. getting help from his father will come with restrictions. if that is the only way he can afford to have insurance then so be it.at least the kids are old enough now to see what their fathers true colors are.