Manners & Etiquette Advice

Updated on February 09, 2010
L.A. asks from Lithia, FL
22 answers

I would like to determine if there are others out there that think there needs to be more emphasis on teaching children basic common courtesys and if so do you think the school should have any part in that? I feel that if we taught our children to treat people the way they want to be treated, maybe we might not actually have as many bullys. Would love some insight from others.

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K.B.

answers from Jacksonville on

I have to be honest here. No, I do not think this is something that should be taught in schools. This is something the parents need to own up to and teach their children, themselves! Too many things are being relied on "oh-they will learn that in school"...And too many parents are not raising their children, and relying on the schools to do it for them.

Teachers have a lot of their plates already and do not need to be held responsible for the manners of the children, too. Many parents will get angry with you if you correct their child by making them say excuse me, please and more. This is just another liability for the teachers, to be honest.

In today's society too much emphasis has been put on "its the teacher/schools fault" I see more parents who are UPSET that it's summer vacation, or their child had a week off school, instead of happy that they get to spend time with their own children! I see "parties" by parents that school is finally in session, and they got to "get rid" of their kids. I see more parents who are distraught that the teacher/school wants them to be involved in the classroom. And I see more parents who are more than happy to drop the child off at school, don't really care what they did or how they are, just to shuffle them to MANY activities that they do not personally participate in (sit on side lines and chit chat), just to rush them through dinner on the run and scooch off to bed or to do their homework, and then blame the teacher/school for the child misbehaving.

This is something that adults need to parent to their children. I know I have! I agree more adults need to have manners, but remember, children will reflect what they see. They see YOU use manners, they are apt to do the same.

So in short, NO! this is not the responsibility of the schools, this is the responsibility of the parent!!

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M.S.

answers from Miami on

I completely agree. However, we can't rely on the schools for everything... I think these things also start at home. It would help if schools taught it.......... but it really starts at home.
I just wanted to add one more thing-
I think it's important to learn how to deal with bullies because that doesn't end when you get out of school... There are bullies everywhere.......in the workplace, etc...

Perhaps schools should teach how to deal with bullies, etc... instead of just trying to neuter everybody with no competition, etc...

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D.B.

answers from Detroit on

I agree that manners are important and I know my son's pre K classroom teacher is also enforcing the pleases, thank yous and pardon me (or excuse me). What I find completely mind blowing is that when my son holds the door open for someone at a store or what not, most people walk right on through and don't even bother to say thank you. GROWN UPS need to recognize that while its uncommen these days for little ones to have manners, they should STILL be polite enough to thank the ones who express manners. However, as a ferocious momma, I will generally follow these folks in and tell them if my four yr old can be polite enough to hold the door for you, you should be polite enough to say thanks...this usually embarasses them enough to resond properly and I'm sure will make them reconsider what they do the next time.......I guess it just goes to show that manners are a life long skill that will need to be taught at MANY ages.

I applaud you for your question and the fact that your concerned about manners.....I'm just suggesting making sure that the adults around our kids are practicing what they preach, ya know. I also agree with the previous poster that its a great way to reinforce the idea that manners are important by complimenting the little ones who have great manners (AND their parents for teaching them). I have very often told a young child "you have wonderful manners and thank you for using them" and then reiterated the same to the parents so that they know someone even took the time to notice this skill that really doesn't get nearly enough credit these days. I know its always make me feel great when someone compliments both myself and my son on his manners and its always followed by both of us saying "thank you for noticing".

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L.S.

answers from New London on

Yes, I agree!! There are some schools that teach character education programs and have standards in place and other school districts do not require them. Some schools teach a new character trait each month or each week, respect, caring, truthfulness, citizenship, etc. If your school district does not, I would get together with the other parents do some research online to see what is working in other schools and present something to the school board. Best wishes to you.

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D.C.

answers from Phoenix on

Hello,
I think I have done a good job teaching my 4 year old about treating other the way she wants to be treated. Her manners are amazing and she gets compliments all the time for her pleases and thank you's. She also is a good role model for my 2 year old. My 4 year old is in preschool and manners is a part of the curriculum. I absolutely believe children should be corrected at school when their manners are not up to par. I have a huge problem with our school system and the things they have to teach and the important things they are not allowed to teach. So anyway, to sum it up, I agree with you that if manners were a part of our childrens everyday routine there would be less bullies on this earth.

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E.R.

answers from Jacksonville on

Several people have already made comments to this extent, but I'd really like to reinforce it. I am an elementary teacher and new mommy-to-be (any day now). I wish parents would understand the role of parent vs. teacher and I believe manners is a parenting thing- especially since we don't see them until they are 4 or 5 years old. Manners should be taught even before then (at least mine were). Someone mentioned that most adults do not have good manners themselves, so of course those children will not learn it at home.
As far as the school's role in teaching manners, if it were on a standized test (as early as 1st grade) then we'd be teaching it. Pre-school teachers could spend more time on things like manners, but public school systems have certain standards that we must teach and it seems like we never have enough time for that, let alone extras- as important as the extras may be.
Personally, I believe character education is extremely important and each time I witness a child at school displaying bad manners, I will speak to them about good manners. That's not part of my job description- just me being me- but the bottom line is parents are the first and most important teachers in developing a child's manners.

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V.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Absolutely! Our school district has Character Counts from Elementary to High School. It’s very much enforced. There is a different character trait every week. Our teachers use incentives for the kids in practicing “Character counts” traits. You can do research on it and find it on-line.
Manners and etiquette needs to be taught in the home from the beginning and then the school reinforces it even more.

My kids have been saying please, thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry, may I, etc since they could talk and even before with sign language. They say it without being prompt. My kids aren’t exceptional in that regard and that’s what parents say when they are around them but I just explain that in my home and outside the home, manners are expected. People would be so shocked when my kids in their early language development would say “thank you” or “please” without me asking them to. My kids learned by example. My husband and I are very well mannered. My daughter is ALWAYS the only one when we are having dinner with friends or family, to say "May I please be excused" and then hugs & kisses me before she walks away and she still does at 12 years old. My son at 4.5 years old, will let the little girl go ahead of him up the steps to the slide because I’ve taught him to be a gentleman and I tell him “ladies first”. He will even hold the door open for me and his big sister =-) In fact I call him “my little gentleman” because that is what I am raising. Obviously I’m a HUGE advocate of manners, etiquette and common courtesy. Now my kids are too.

I wish more parents were like you! I commend you for wanting to get involved in enforcing this in your school. Thank you for posting this question!

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V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

Ditto Tammi's "Ditto". :)

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J.A.

answers from Jacksonville on

I am with you 100% on this. I don't believe it would eliminate bullys, but it would reduce the number of them, make a calmer learning environment in the classroom, less problems on the playgrounds and in the cafeterias, etc... I am amazed at the number of children who have few or no manners at all.

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S.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

HI there, I was reading through the other responses you received and I believe that some of the people, like Kitty, really missed the point you were trying to make. I for one did not get from your message that you believe teachers are wholly responsible for teaching our kids manners, etc. When you used the word “emphasis” I knew what you meant. I concur with the parents here that said they have taught their kids since day 1 about manners, etiquette and respect. I did the same thing in my home. However, I do agree that the schools need to step in when there are bullies. We send our kids to school with a sense that they will be safe and the teachers and school staff need to ensure that they are too. Yes it is very true that parents are 100% responsible for teaching manners and NOT the teachers. However, I love the character counts events they hold at the schools. Obviously you got a lot of different opinions here but I wish other parents were like you and more concerned about their kids when at school. I’m a parent who is extremely involved in my kid’s academics and school, and I can tell you are too. Thank you!!!

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J.W.

answers from Orlando on

As a former middle school teacher, I elect to "Ditto" Kitty. Honestly...it isn't even really allowed.

Also, Danielle B, when my kids are polite like that (holding the door open for someone else - which happens often) I make a big deal praising them before that adult has even finished passing through. I have never had an adult fail to respond appropriately.

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K.N.

answers from Miami on

Good Day- I totally agree; and I believe the school system should also help! I had an incindent about a year ago when a 10yr. old child held a pocket knife to my 4 yr. olds neck. The parents lied for their child and it was brushed under the table! The school, Margate Elem. were the only ones who took this matter serously; and spoke to this 10 yr. old! We as parents need to teach manners; and watch our children and teach them how others feel! Let them understand the consequences, not lie for them out-right! Our whole society will be much better if we get together as a community; and teach our children right from wrong; and take a parenting class if you can't tell the difference of what you are teaching then! Children today are very much into the "ME" style of living! I've been praying for a better world for our future; and I shall continue to pray for us all...
Kathy N.

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S.H.

answers from Huntsville on

I agree too! We have emphasized saying please, thank you, and excuse me with our daughter who is almost 4 years old. Even before she was able & willing to speak up to strangers to say "thank you" for something, she was signing it! (Her 2nd Halloween, she wouldn't speak to the people, but would sign "thank you" after receiving candy--we had to explain that it wasn't kisses, it was "thank you"! lol)

She even surprises people in stores when she says "excuse me" all on her own! If she walks in front of someone or near them, she will say "excuse me" without being told to do so. I've seen many shocked looks on people's faces! :D

Our daycare encourages the children to voice their concerns, such as "I don't like it when you hit me." I'm hoping this is helping with teaching manners, how to treat others, and to appologize for things.

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T.F.

answers from Orlando on

Ditto every word that Kitty B said!

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D.W.

answers from Indianapolis on

I've been very critical of the way Etiquette and Manners are not emphasized enough in today's society.

My parents were very strict on us growing-up. My college graduation present from my parents was a book of etiquette (though I already knew many of the basics). I was mortified when I entered the professional world and realized people had never been taught basic etiquette/manners.

Our friends think we're too strict on our kids - our 22 month old automatically says thank you when she gets something now. Our kids know to say excuse me when they walk in front of someone at Wal Mart or when they pass gas. They know to ask to be excused from the dinner table and to say, "May I" when they want something.

Not enough parents were taught manners themselves let alone knowing how to teach their kids. I do think it would be nice if the school systems would teach basic etiquette in the same manner they teach health, etc. As an adult, I am mortified at how many people don't have basic pleasantries like, "Please" and "Thank you"

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T.F.

answers from Miami on

I'm behind you completely. I really hate when a child that I know is old enough to know better does not show common courtesies. My daughters are 3 and 4 years old and I get comments all the time from other people about how polite they are. They know when to use please, thank you, excuse me, etc and I reinforce it and I praise it so that they continue to know just how important it is to be polite. I just don't get parents that don't teach or enforce good manners. I do think it could and should be taught in school, it really wouldn't take much effort in my opinion. Do they not teach "The Golden Rule" anymore in school? That's where I clearly remember being taught to treat others as I would have them treat me. I wrote this a couple of months ago, it's about teaching your child the meaning of an apology:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Parenting-Help-How-to-Teach-Your-...

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M.H.

answers from Fort Walton Beach on

This should be taught at home and taught so well that the teachers would like all the kids to emulate ours! Yes, basic common courtesy has gone the wayside in our kids today. More parents should be thinking like you!

Bravo!

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V.

answers from Melbourne on

I am a teacher and I think manners should and can be taught, practiced, and emulated in all parts of life. While I think teachers are asked to do far more then we have the time or resources for, I still see no good reason manners cannot be implemented. I am constantly trying to stress manners in school, and I expect the students to use them also. I don't feel it adds extra time or takes time out from lessons, these are ways of behaving that should be practiced all the time, at home, in school, and throughout the community.

Honestly we could all use better manners, adults included. As messed up as some of the children are, there are plenty of adults that can be rude beyond comprehension, nasty, impolite, and totally lacking manners. Which brings me to a point about some of the children we are all so quick to point out their lack of manners. While manners and etiquette are learned and taught to those around us, being rude, nasty, impolite, and mean are also taught. These kids may not be born polite well mannered kids, but they are also not born rude, nasty and disrespectful, all these things are learned to an extent, and frequently they are picked up from the very adults that should be modelling good manners.

Do I believe this will stop bullying. Not really, it should limit it though. Remember back in the "good old days" when most kids "seemed" to have such good manners? I don't recall any lack of bullying then. I know I was usually at the other end of it. Kids can be very cruel, then again so can adults.

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K.D.

answers from Dallas on

Manners and Etiquette I believe are very important. I have been really lucky all the teachers that my children have had, have inforced manners and etiquette. I don't know if that is from being from a small town or if it's just expected. Manners are trying important, not only for them now but as they grow older. It's our job to prepare them for the future.

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L.W.

answers from Miami on

I completely agree with you. Children need to learn manners and courtesy, and frequently don't seem to. I don't see any reason why it couldn't be a part of the school experience. They could teach the kids about manners at the table before sending them off to lunch and have the occasional talk about how we treat each other in class. I home school so I have a bit of an advantage there. But it gets worked in at other times. Parents play a role too. When we sit down for dinner they learn to set the table and table manners. When we go out, we discuss etiquette in public first. And I'm constantly telling them to treat each other the way they want to be treated. They are still learning and are far from perfect, but I hope that no one ever accuses them of being rude. There will always be the occasional screaming fit in public even with the most well behaved child. But when kids don't know basic manners, it irks me.

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K.B.

answers from Fort Myers on

I def do NOT believe it is the schools resposibility to teach manners/ etiquette and def DO believe that teachers do encourage manners/ etiquette! Some teachers may be better than others at this of course. They get rewarded for doing chores and helping their teacher and fellow classmates. My daughter is not in school yet, however, my mother was a teacher and the Best! Also, I have several friends who are teachers. My daughter is 2, almost 3, and she says "Please" and "Thank You", though she may not fully grasp the concept, and I try to show her how to interact with people whe we are out at the park for instance. I am one for staying out of others business..."to each their own" and feel that people should do the same for myself and my daughter. Once at the library my daughter was getting a drink at the water fountain, where there was a step stool, and I was maybe 2 feet from herand totally watching her and some lady came and picked her up to help her! Nice, true, however, she had no right, I was there and I know my daughter and that she can easily use the water fountain by herself, and I said clearly and firmly, " She CAN do it herself" prob 3 times and the woman didn't acknowledge, granted I don't think she spoke english but it was just...grrrr.... anyway, sorry for that lil rant lol I don't interfere, however, I love to help when needed, for instance, I warned a mother at the park that her baby was crawling near an ant pile so that SHE could protect him.

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S.S.

answers from Miami on

It would be really nice to be able to become more sensitive to each other ,and notice little gestures of love and gratitude.
When my daughter was still learning how to say thank you and please verbally ,It drove me crazy how many times someone would offer her something and than demand that she said please or thank you ,sometimes even taking the so called offering away as a 'punishment'??
If we were not SOOOOOOOOO brainwashed into saying these words like a parrot, we would become more sensitive to the love in a childs eyes or a smile or a big hug given,without forcing them to say please or thank you all the time . Children are very bright and intune. they learn very quickly that if they say this or that they can get what they want.
Sometimes just a nod or a smile is beyond sufficient, and to be able to notice these shows of love and gratitude will help us as parents ,friends and lovers to stop expecting a certain forced behavior and enjoy more our loving energetic connection with all things.

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