Married with Children Women, Please Give Me Advice!

Being a lawyer is a very stressful thing. Other people's lives and livelihoods are in his hands.

Why don't you ask to meet him for one of the Friday nights as a date for the two of you?

I have been married over 30 years. here is what I have learned about men.

They cannot read minds, even their wives minds. Even after 30 years.

Men do not take hints. You have to speak plainly and with clear directions.

Men want to help, but fear they will do it wrong.

Men do not like to be mothered by their wives.

Communication is a wonderful thing in marriage.

Tell him. (also email him) "Honey today when you get home at 5:00, Please check the crockpot. If it is bubbling please turn it off. When we get home, Please set the table and pour a bag of salad into the big bowl on the counter.."

During dinner ask him.. "Honey, After dinner, Do you want to bathe the kids tonight or clean the kitchen? "

When you do laundry, bring in the clean clothes and place the clean dried clothes next to him to fold. (even if not perfect.) Then have him take and place them in the correct bedrooms in the drawers,

Or get the kids to carry their clothes to their rooms and your clothes to your room on your bed. Our daughter used to have a little grocery cart..
I used to have her fill it up with the folded clothes and deliver them to the correct rooms. Her clothes, she knew what drawers to put them in.. Your kids could use a wagon or stroller to dash them around the house.

On friday afternoon hire someone to pick up the kids and bring them home and feed them, You drive straight to the bar and join the guys for beers. If not every week then every other week..

With your husband and your kids.. Use a lot of Thank yous.. They like a cheer section for every little thing they do..

You need to talk to him. You do NOT need to say - 'I need your help' - help implies that these are YOUR responsibility and you need assistance. You say that the two of you need to share the jobs of taking care of the family home and the family's children. The way it is now is not working. It is not working because you are pulling way more than your share of the work and he needs to participate fully. Why do you feel like getting the kids ready, taking them to school, going to extracurricular activities, feeding, bathing, changing diapers, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry and prepping for the next day are all YOUR job? They are the jobs that the family (you and DH until the kids are a bit older) need to accomplish.

OMG - I cannot believe that people are wondering why you work just because your husband has a (probably) satisfying career. Wow. What year is it?

I've been there and still am to a degree but my kids are older now so it's all way easier. My husband would argue I'm perfectly free to also go out - get a sitter etc. I don't feel right doing that bc I'm away from the kids at work already but I realize now I am imposing my values on him... He thinks it's ok to not be with the kids so much and in fairness, typically fathers aren't quite as in demand by young kids as their mommies are. So I'd say to just not fight the battle too much. Do what you need to for yourself. I assume with you both working and he's a lawyer and has a side business that you're not completely cash strapped. So hire a sitter and get your time too. If you don't want to do that (like I never did bc of guilt), it's easier if you accept that YOU are making that choice, not your husband. Men are different and the goal really is for everyone to be happy. If he needs to go out and you don't, then I guess let him. I fought over my husband's need for the gym all the time. I kind of accept now it's a real need for him to release stress. And hire some help. Get as much off your plate as possible these early years. It's not forever that you'll be spending the money. I still resent that I get up earlier than my husband bc of my job's requirements, am the first one home which is great but not "me" time, and he waltzes in to dinner on the table every night... What helps is to remind myself that I am making choices. I could not rush home every day and instead go workout after work... I could do easy take out every night... But I want certain things for my kids. My choice. I do sometimes make him do the dishes. But men are just better at taking care of themselves. They're not often the martyrs we are. It sounds like you both really are very busy vs he's a total slacker so again - get some help. And assign him some tasks if possible. ie: it does make me feel better sometimes to say "I"m done - you're doing the dishes" and I go to relax. I know how hard it is when the kids are really young... It will get easier.

ETA: This is funny! I know plenty of lawyers who aren't making all that much money. Not tryign to criticize but there's a huge spectrum of lawyers. We have no idea how much money he is making. And I make way more than the majority of lawyers. Who's to say she doesn't too! Lawyers often too have lots of law school debt to pay off... Hasn't anyone read too about a kind of glut of lawyers? I'm very glad if the husband here has a great job and i hope that's the case but we shouldn't tailor answers to assuming she contributes so much less and/or he has such great earning potential bc he's a lawyer. Tell that to my neighbors who are both lawyers and not rolling in it and the other 2 lawyer family in our neighborhood who seeminly can't even afford to paint their house. Or my friend who was laid off from his job as an atty and is unemployed about 6 months now.

Hi! Welcome to Mamapedia!

It sounds to me like your husband is remembering one of the cardinal rules of being married with children: Your married life isn't your ONLY life. Don't feel like you are only allowed to have a life with your kids and spouse. You're still entitled to have a life of your own, with your own personal pleasures. You are still an individual. Marriages that turn EVERYTHING into "us" and "we" and invalidate "me" and "I" are unhealthy marriages.

He absolutely has his priorities straight. He wants to de-stress and still have friends, so he's made it a priority. He's scheduled it in. And you can too. You don't have to be jealous or mad about that. If you want some time to do your thing, let him know that you'll need him to "be you" for an evening once a week, so you can do that thing. He's a man, not a mind reader.

You're married and have a family. That does NOT mean that you give up on having friends and doing things you enjoy. NOT having a life outside of your home is actually unhealthy. If all you have is inside your home, how do you expect to grow as a person? Or have anything new to talk about? How do you expect to learn anything new and fun?

I play volleyball, without my husband, on a co-ed team every week. I also go to the gym 3 days a week. And I take the dog to training on my own, which I love to do. We both have our own friends, and we have "couple friends" that we both hang with.

So, as Jill says, quit feeling the need to be the martyr, and go have yourself some time. Your husband will understand.

I think the idea of the man if the house is outdated, especially since you work full time, too. You need to tell him you need help. You both need to work together to figure out a way to more fairly divide family responsibilities. Would your budget allow for a cleaning person to come in occasionally?

And to some of the others responders:

Why should she have to quit her job?!? Don't assume just because her husband is a lawyer that she must be working in a "lesser" career. Her job could pay just as well and be equally fulfilling.

I think there are 2 separate issues here.
1) He's not picking up his share of the household work. Make a list of everything you do. Make a list of what he does (for example, does he take care of all the outside maintenance, car maintenance, etc). Compare and if it's not a reasonable shared amount, then ask him what he will take of the list to make your life better. He needs to understand that if he says nothing, that this is going to lead to long-term resentment in your marriage. If you have an honest discussion about it and you both feel that you simply can't do all the things on the list and stay sane, start hiring help.
2) Your husband wants to spend some time with his friends every week. You admit that you COULD spend time with your friends, but you choose not to because you would rather spend time with your family. That is your choice. I don't think there is a right and wrong here, and trying to frame his values as wrong and yours as right isn'st fair to either of you. My husband and I agreed when we were talking about having kids kids that we could each have 1 evening a week to ourselves to do what we wanted. We still do that with 2 kids, and I don't think either of us is selfish. We adore our kids - but we also like to have a sense of 'self'.

What I do with that one night when my husband is out is I make it into a weekly 'fun night' with the kids. We often go out to dinner (Bob Evans) then to the playground, or even the mall play land if the weather is bad. So I definitely don't feel like I'm sitting at home doing drudgery while he's out having fun. We all have fun on Dad's night out, in our own ways.

It's tough to work through this kind of inequity after it's established, because you've already proved to him that you can and will handle the double standard. I'd tell Mr. Hubby that I will no longer handle the stress by myself, and hire a sitter one evening a week so I can have some down time, too.

Seeing a counselor can be helpful, too. Even if he won't go with you, you're giving notice that all is not well, and a counselor can help you work oout the wrinkles in your communication that might enable better results in the future.

Your needs are not outside the norm. Wishing you well.

I haven't read the other answers yet so I'm just going to briefly tell you my story. Reading your post just exhausted me - I know how exhausting it is because it used to be my life. Then, the economy caught up with us in 2009 and we lost everything - house, car, had to file bankruptcy. It was the most horrible time in my life. We had a baby and a 2-year-old at the time. My husband and I were older when we had them. I had my youngest when I was 44 and that made a difference in how we rearranged our life. I HAD to work full time from then until now and here's what I have to say: from my perspective of someone who is pushing 50, the whole career thing for me just doesn't matter any more. We were forced to simplify our life - we have no debt, no mortgage, no car payments. We rent a nice home in Centennial and our kids go to an awesome school. We are able to far better "provide" for them by not having debt, me working part-time and having time for fun and activities (and cleaning the house and chores), and family time. We are able to put more money in the kids college funds and our savings than we were before. We have a great life, which we did not have when we made way more money and worked like slaves. You might want to consider changing your thinking and your lifestyle. I KNOW this is way harder to do than it would seem. But the rewards are worth it! If it's just impossible to do, I would suggest getting a maid and letting your resentment at your husband go. It just isn't worth it. Best of luck to you! I've been there and I know it's tough.

This is a tough one. It sounds like you are both overwhelmed. If money isn't an issue, hire a housekeeper to lighten the load off of yourself. If he isn't able to help with the household chores, then he can pay for you to get the help you need. Can you arrange for a Friday babysitter so that you can go out with him every so often?

You need to find a way to carve out time for you even if it is just sitting at a bookstore reading a book and having a coffee...

I think you need to create a way for your needs to be met, also. What I have found that works is that you tell your husband that you need help around the house. Be specific.

If he doesn't want to help, that's fine. But that doesn't mean that you are going to do it all, either. Maybe it means that you hire a cleaning lady and a part-time mother's helper (who can help supervise bath time for the kids, or change diapers, or fold laundry, or whatever), and that sometimes you get takeout instead of cooking. And if that means that as a family, your budget is stretched to the point that your husband can't go out twice a week, well, that's how life goes. You're not his servant, you're his wife. You have the right to go out with friends, too. If he doesn't like that, then he should stand back and think about his habits.

My husband also has hobbies. I understand that he works hard and needs time off. But so do I. When he raised his eyebrows when I hired a cleaning lady, pool guy, and a gardener, I reminded him that I would like some time off for my hobbies just like he has. And that if he wanted me to fire the gardener, pool guy, and cleaning lady, I would, but then I would expect him to help me 50/50 with those tasks. Long story short, I still have a cleaning lady, pool guy, and gardener. ;)

Do you really need to work FT?
After my first I went back to work PT. After my third, I quit working all together. I believe that by staying home I have tremendously helped my husbands career by allowing him to focus on it exclusively. My husband also had side businesses that eventually allowed him to quit his day job and set up his own company with a partner.
Our quality of life has not suffered because of my decision. However, my friends and colleagues that continued to work all have vacations home but I still would not change a thing. I feel what my family and I have gained in quality of life far exceeds the compensation that I have forfeited. (I have my Masters of Business Administration and had an awesome job with a pharmaceutical company)
Getting back to you...this is clearly not working for you so you and your husband must come to an agreement that will work for both of you. Otherwise I am afraid you will have a bitter, sad marriage that no amount of money will fix. Best of luck.

"No one on their deathbed ever says they wish they had spent more time at the office."

You both sound like you are way too overworked, exhausted, and are putting in time where it doesn't really matter long term. If I were both of you, I'd sit down, re prioritize, and figure out how to cut back so you can enjoy these precious years as a family and with your little ones before they are gone. Trust me. Nothing else matters. All they need is you guys and you two need each other. Good luck!

I would say, "I am stressed, too, and overwhelmed. I need you to help out with YOUR children." List things you would like help with and ask him to divide and conquer. He could make lunches the night before if that helps you in the AM. If he goes out once a week, tell him that you need some time away from the house, too, and perhaps the two of you need to hire a sitter once a week so you can go out together. I think you would resent these outings of his less if he helped you at home.

I was once accused of doing "not enough" so I wrote down everything. DH didn't like it and said it felt like an employee reporting to him. I said, "And how do you think I FEEL?" He got the hint.

My DH does his hobby thing once a weekend. I chose not to go most of the time. BUT on the flip side, if I need him to take care of DD for an afternoon/evening or she needs a bath or I need dishes done or whatever, he's in the trenches with me. I don't begrudge him the friend time because he supports me.

The flip side is even if you like to hang with your spouse and kids, find time occasionally to do things for YOU. Maybe he'd be understanding if he was left with the kids more often and had to do it all. INCLUDING those diapers. He created those kids, he can raise them, too.

If you are married to a lawyer, why do you work? I undertand wanting to be fulfilled by something besides being a mom, but volunteering is a great way to do that. Taking care of kids and a house is a full-time job, and if hubby won't do half, then id simply tell him you can't handle two jobs any more, and that you will be staying home.

If I was you, I'd think about lifestyle choices. I'm assuming your hubby makes a 6 figure salary. Maybe you can trim some fat and maintain most of your lifestyle.

Let me put iit this way, a friend of mine, with her MBA, decided to stay home when her oldest was 4. She then went on to have three more kids. I never understood why she gave up her career. This was before I was even married. I asked her one day why she decided to stay home, and she said, "I am running a company. By putting all my focus into this company, my husband has been able to direct most of his attention to his job, and if he didn't do this, he wouldn't have been able to make partner. We all benefit by not overextending ourselves. Less stress for everyone, a better life all around."

I know that if my hubby had to do half the housework, there is no way he would have made Director. And our combined income with me working would be less than with his old job, and we'd be spending a fortune on household help and daycare. financially we are better off with one of us working, and one running the household economy. He does bath the kids and put them to bed. And he cooks on the weekends. He's a great help when he is around, but I encourage him to just hang with the kids when he is home.

I also disagree with christy-lee. I retained my maiden name, but when I married I became a we. We spend all of our free time together and this is how we like it. We like to see friends as couples. This works for us, and our marriage is healthy.

Do you go out with your friends? Do you and your husband have date nights? I think that should be a priority for you. I don't think you'd mind him meeting his friends so much if you got to go out with your friends too. Or if you were able to go along with him. We all need to de-stress and get out of the house. It doesn't mean you love your kids less.

As for the household chores, you both need to sit down and make some lists. You should write down what your typical day/week looks like and he should do the same. Compare lists. Tell him what duties you would like him to take over. If he's not able, then maybe you should talk about hiring a maid or mother's helper or a nanny that does things around the house.

I don't see any reason why you can't talk this through without getting nasty and accusing him of not having his priorities straight.

My husband and I have talked about what we will and will not do around the house. We have our duties and we do them. We spend time as a family and we each spend individual time with the kids. With 3, often we have to divide and conquer. Communication is key. Good luck.

I read that you try really hard and work very long hours but I didn't read where in the week you have time to unwind. Your husband has told you he needs to have time to unwind and maintain important friendships and no doubt feel that for a few hours he is carefree. I get that. You might want to find time for you to do something for yourself too.
What about a Sunday afternoon kid friendly get together with friends at a park or pool? BBQ beer game of football etc.
If you can afford it buy a few times to make your life easier. Pressure cooker, vitamix, house cleaner!!!! Have someone do your laundry. Find ways to take the load off you and hence the resentment.
It's important for everyone's sanity to have organization and get all the essential jobs done but you also need to find joy in the everyday too.
I wish we had spent more money on babysitters in the past and had more date nights.

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I read that you try really hard and work very long hours but I didn't read where in the week you have time to unwind. Your husband has told you he needs to have time to unwind and maintain important friendships and no doubt feel that for a few hours he is carefree. I get that. You might want to find time for you to do something for yourself too.
What about a Sunday afternoon kid friendly get together with friends at a park or pool? BBQ beer game of football etc.
If you can afford it buy a few times to make your life easier. Pressure cooker, vitamix, house cleaner!!!! Have someone do your laundry. Find ways to take the load off you and hence the resentment.
It's important for everyone's sanity to have organization and get all the essential jobs done but you also need to find joy in the everyday too.
I wish we had spent more money on babysitters in the past and had more date nights.

This is very unfair...
For starters:
1) How does he get out of diaper duty? Nobody LIKES changing poopy diapers. Rock, paper, scissors for it or SOMETHING, but you do NOT do it very time.
2) You need to get every other Friday with YOUR friends, assuming you still have any left! So he "needs" to do it 2x/week? And you don't need it...ever? No.

I suggest you sit him down and express how much you appreciate his understanding, and lay out what needs to change. If he refuses, then it sounds like your lifestyle needs to take a hit because you cannot do everything a stay-at-home parent would do AND work full-time.

Good luck!

I work 60 hours a week and my husband stays home with our girls. He doesn't want to go out so that's not an issue, he more appreciates being able to lock himself in his man cave and play a game online, which I let him do when I'm home. He also gets two days alone a month when I take the girls to see my grandpa, and he goes camping at least twice a year with his brother. I on the other hand am extremely social and have several great groups of friends I go out with once (sometimes twice) a week, and it means the world to me. So I get it! It's not that I don't want to see my family, but I'm important too, and so are my friendships and unwinding after work. And my kids are usually in bed when I go out anyway! But yes if you're both working he should help out more.

You've gotten a lot of good responses. I just want to second the motion of taking initiative to get out of the house. Of course we love our kids, but we have to remember to feed the other parts of our souls too.

And find some no-brainer tasks for him to help with. Create a weekly schedule which finds pockets of time where he can help when he's more focused (like maybe he could get up earlier in the mornings?) As for the dirty diapers-- tell him if he really can't stomach them, he NEEDS to trade you for some tasks you would prefer not to do. Peg M and Laurie A are both spot on.

The only person you can change is yourself. Find ways to change what you are doing to make yourself a happier person. Could you work part-time? Hire a babysitter on Friday nights and go out with the girls? Hire a housekeeper? Nobody is superwoman. But what's 'right or wrong' really depends on your family.

FWIW, I would have a problem with my hubby going out for drinks 1-2x a week. Also, I am a SAHM and my husband contributes significantly to our household (makes lunches, cuts the grass, cleans up from dinner, bathes kids, takes oldest to school, helps with laundry & dishwasher, mops and vacuums, etc.).

I agree fully with Peg M!!!!!!!

This is a tough and common issue. You've been given some great advice as far as readjusting family responsibilities so your husband contributes more. I would also start thinking about a marriage counselor. This can be a difficult issue to discuss and it might be useful to have a neutral party mediate.

Hmmmmm, both working full time to me means splitting home stuff. Now if his salary is MUCH BIGGER and his job is MUCH MORE DRAINING, maybe he gets to do a bit less home stuff....

Left to his own devices (male, so compass is naturally fully self-centered unless he's a rare breed) of COURSE he wants to relax after work and go out with his buddies as much as he likes. He won't NOTICE that the priorities are immature or that the duties are unbalanced. Whatever the status quo is, he feels fine with it.

But he can't if you don't let him. As in, you lay out a fair split of things including his social nights and he complies or you retaliate. You don't SAY it that way of course, you use diplomatic loving terms and offer clear fair splits of duties....but you WILL retaliate if he does not comply. As in "Oh, sweetie, since you're STILL going out every single week and it's unfair as I pointed out, I'm going on a yoga retreat for a long weekend with Suzie just to even the score for a bit and will start doing girl's night once a week too. If you can't beat'em, join 'em!" Or "Well since I'm STILL doing all the house work and you're doing none, I've decided to only do the laundry and cooking for the kids and I while you can do your own."

But offer up a clear list and a clear split of things as you would like it first. He simply won't think of it on his own. OF COURSE he should not up his "out nights" to twice a week! But you don't need to "ban" it, the new fair schedule you present will simply not allow for that-after all, you'll be going out regularly at times too going forward....or whatever other splurge you like that is a sacrifice for him on a regular basis. PLUS, if you get him to pitch in more and you're feeling better over all, you can always LET him go out a few extra times here and there....once you're in a good balance, things will flow.

I do 100% of house and kid stuff because I'm a sahm. To me it's fair because my ex travels all the time and pays all bills. But even he pitches in on chores when he's here. Yard. Cleans kitchen every night. Baths. Errands. Vacuuming. He could just relax since he's never here, but he pitches in. If your husband is a nice guy, he'll "get it". Just spell it out.

I could have written you post - practically. My take is that men are just wired differently. It's like they need more free time in order to function properly and be happy. I hate it! It seems like the happier my husband is, the more miserable I am, because his happiness seems to be around work (he's very social at work), and play (individual "me" play, not "family" play). I see it as very selfish, just like I see your husband as being very selfish. We argue about it, and things get better for a few months (and he gets miserable and I get happy), and then the pendulum slowly swings back the other way again.

I enjoy seeing my boys happy and successful, and I devote my life to it. It sounds like you do the same. I also have extraordinarily high expectations, which is part of the problem.

Oh, and some have mentioned you should reduce your work load. I've done this, and all that happens, is hubby "helps" out less and less. Right now, I'm "lucky" in that he keeps the kitchen clean. He bitches about it constantly, but at least I don't have to do it. :) I would highly recommend a cleaning lady if you don't already have one. I'd lose my mind without one. Maybe ask hubby to pick one thing. Like mine with the kitchen.

I guess if I were you I would change my schedule in order to have life be less hectic. I would change my job to work half time. This will give you less daycare costs and then when your boys are in school you will have no after school care costs. I would hire a babysitter and every friday (or every other friday) I would go with my husband to hang out with friends. Going out one evening a week is something many married couples do together....hiring a babysitter and making that adult time a priority. It is not too much. If you feel like you all have too many bills, look to see what you can cut back on. Did you buy too expensive of a house? Are there any monthly payments you can get rid of or cut out entirely? Are either of you spending too much with shopping or on eating out? I do agree with you that it would be really frustrating to have a husband who works all the time and then is too tired to help out around the house. My husband works about 6 or 7am to 5pm. But when he gets home he does help out some with chores or with the kids. Often he wants to veg out on his computer but if I ask him to help he does it.

I really think it is a man's perspective of "Need". Maybe this will shed some light. My husband says my daughter has to have treats and nights off.

She is a first grader who plays hockey and figure skates. This requires her to be on the ice 3 - 4 days out of the week. With that, she has to eat healthy because she signed up for a competition and has to fit in her dresses. As well, she has to study...to make it to the second grade.

My husband has her after her hockey games on Monday and after her skate on Wednesday. She comes off the ice starving, so he takes her to McDonald's for pure junk. He also buys her a hot chocolate and a cookie.

Mean while, I am feeding her a healthy meal so that she gets proper nutrition and doesn't gain too much wait.

Sure she is a kid, but I try to tell him he can take her for a cookie OR hot chocolate and it doesn't have to be every week. He could opt for the yogurt and fruit cup one week and then a choice of cookie or hot choc.

As well, he would prefer to put her in front of the T V with a movie, rather than study. I prefer to allow a show at dinner and then beck to study or reading.

He argues that these are her kid memories and I argue that she chooses to play these sports and has eat more healthy and school comes first.

I guess we will just never think like men!

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