Now I know I shouldn't be caring about what people think, but recently I've had to explain to people over and over why I've made certain choices for my son.
Like the fact he's almost 16 months and 95% of the time he's rear facing. I researched carseats and bought him a Saftey 1st Complete Air, for the purpose of him staying rear facing. The only time he's forward facing is in Maria's (his daycare) van and my Aunties car, and those are both due to bucket seats. He's only 24 lbs and the limit is 40lbs, and he's going to stay rear facing until he hits 40lbs. I recently taught him how to cross his legs, so he sits 'indian' style in his carseat.
I also do not give him sugar or pop. I see no need for it. He's had one sip of pop (that I'm aware of) and thats because he was choking and it was the only liquid around. He doesn't get sugar snacks, he's never had chocolate. In my opinion, theres no need for it, at all. He gets all his natural sugars from fruit and can have 100% real fruit juice if he's thirsty.
I've also made the decision to switch him into a toddler bed. My dog broke his crib and my Aunt had a brand new toddler bed, so we switched him. I've had multiple people tell me its a safety risk to have him in a toddler bed this younge, due to the fact he can fall out. I tell him that the bed has the half railing, and then there is this big giraffe pillow on the ground beside his bed in case he does fall out. (He's fallen outta bed twice, both times landing on the pillow, and didn't even wake up).
Also, he still uses a bottle. Only at bed time (not at nap time), and its because I know he really likes his bottle. I've tried a couple times to put him to bed without it, but he just screams. I'm not willing to give him his suckie back, and I water down his bottles, using only 1 oz of homo milk.
Oh! And I had this mother tell me I should burn in hell for not getting my son his chicken pox shot. I've decided that when he went for his 12 month shots, he wasn't going to recive it (he's recived all his other shots on time), because I researched it and decided that once he turns 12, if he still hasn't caught chicken pox, he can have the immunization then.
Lately i've had people tell me I'm a bad mother for keeping him rear facing, and when I ask people "please don't give him any sugar, he's not allowed to have any" people tell me I'm 'depriving' him. They say that I'm being cruel and unfair, and like I said, that I should rot in hell.
I think I'm a pretty darn good mom. My son is happy and always giggily, and runs to me when I enter the room with hugs and kisses. I feel guilty that he's at daycare for most of the day (I work 1230 till 9, monday to friday) and now these moms are making me feel worse!
What do I say to people who attack me for my choices? Theres no way I'm changing anything that I've mentioned, because I honestly feel like its the best choice for my child. I'm just sick of rude people :(
Thank you guys so much for all your quick responses! I feel so much better now.
Defenatly going to take the advice of telling people that its my choice and if they don't like it then they can choose to parent their children some other way.
Phew! I feel better!
Tell them that you feel that it would be even crueler to set him up for a lifetime of poor eating habits. You're doing the right things. You're actually doing the things that most of us know we SHOULD be doing and don't! lol!
And really, who cares what they think?! You could always just say, "Thanks for the input, but I don't really care what you think." And walk away.
Geez what kind of people are you hanging around with? You sound like a good mom, and like a lot of mom friends that I have so nothing that you have said sounds silly or unusual.
My daughter was on the bottle and was going to pre_k . I didn 't listen to the doctor on that. If it makes her happy and soothe her before she goes to bed that's all I care about . she recently stop and she is fine. Nothing is wrong with her, and her teeth are just fine. You are a good mom. Don't let people get to you.
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Who gives their toddler pop and sugar and chocolate?
You are doing fine. Do the best you can to ignore anyone with an attitude... it will be good practice for the rest of your kids life :)
I find "that's an interesting idea" to be my best response to most wacky ideas I hear.
Good luck!
Jessica
Everyone has an opinion. If someone tells you you should be doing something differently just say,"If you feel that way, feel free to raise YOUR kids that way."
Sounds to me like you're a thoughtful and caring mother with your child's best interest at heart. Keep doing what you feel is right for you and your family.
Best of luck!
I can't account for other people. Safety is more important than "niceness," but I don't think my son minds, anyway. My son also doesn't really have sugar or pop. He will have plenty of time for sugar when he's older - I don't plan to scold him for eating birthday cake at a friend's party when he's four. I just don't think it needs to be a part of a toddler's diet. Vaccines are a controversial issues, and I'm afraid that you'll always be judged for your decisions. People will judge you for following the CDC's schedule, or for making your own, etc. Anyone who would tell you that you will burn in hell for something that is completely legal and not uncommon anyway is not a very good person, anyway. Please write her off.
I don't think you sound like a mean mama. If the issue comes up, there are a couple of things you could do. You could act shocked that a person would turn their child at this age, and that they would put a perceived comfort over safety. You could inquire what value sugar has in a diet. Or you could just smile smugly as though their choices are foolish, and respond that you make your decisions without reference to passers-by opinions. Rude people are everywhere, you won't escape them. But good luck.
Just know that you are making healthy, safe choices for your son. When people pick on your choices, they probably are feeling guilty themselves for not making better choices for their children. My son was in a toddler bed at 14 months and did fine. I didn't allow sugar until age 1 and still only allow it on special occasions. People will always find something to pick on, I usually just stare blankly when people make comments and then walk away.
Sounds like you're doing GREAT!! I also don't give my son any sugars or unhealthy foods. My sister always gives me a hard time, because her 11 month old eats all kinds of bad foods and drinks sugary drinks and powerade. I don't let my son eat what he's eating and I'm the "mean" mom. My son is 14 months old and in a bed. He moved too much for a crib and woke up constantly, from hitting the sides. He is now sleeping happily in his own bed and getting lots of sleep. He LOVES his bed! Try not to get down, I know it's hard. Just know, that you're doing the best to keep your son healthy and happy. He will be so much better off as an adult. You're doing awesome!!
I think you need to mix with new people! , nothing you are doing is wrong so you have no need to feel bad. As for the pox vaccination , that is your personal choice , I'm from England and we don't vaccinate against chicken pox , infact we let our kids play or mix with people that we know have it in the hope they get it! , if it wasn't for the school rules here in the U.S then my kids would not have had the vaccine either.
Most of these 'issues' are things that unless you share it with other people, they won't know that you are raising your son this way. So... my advise would be not to share if you don't want to hear rude comments.
However, if you find that your methods just have to be shared because you are having so much success and they might help others, be prepared to hear criticism. Some, not all, are a bit extreme or simply not good advise. (Most dentists will advise that using a bottle needs to end at a year.)
In any case, if you're happy and your child is happy and healthy (and it sounds like it) don't worry about other people. It sounds as if you have your child's best interest at heart. I would just smile and say, "It works for us" and leave it at that. If you really don't want to change and really don't want advise, there is really no reason to be defensive and to answer in any other way.
good for you...your choices dont sound "mean" at all. im pretty much the same way...its a form of attachment parenting with the rear facing stroller. =) and no pop or chocolate...good choices...i never had that stuff growing up and i dont crave or like it as an adult..so it keeps me away from yucky stuff thats not so good for ya... keep doing what your doing...you dont need to explain yourself to anyone..your his mom..thats all that matters..
and the bed thing...what the worst that can happen...? he falls onto a pillow...wow! and he wont get cavaties and he wont be obese and he may get the chicken pox...wooo hooo.... i think your doing great!
stay happy and healthy mommy and baby! =)
It is hard to imagine why these mom's are so venomous towards you (seriously, rot in hell ?? come on, what was she thinking?) so unless there's more to the story than you are telling they are way out of line (and try to find some new friendlier Moms to hang out with)! You should simply ignore them and not engage in more conversations about parenting with them. Simply do not engage.
With the exception of the vaccination (which you've rationalized) your other choices aren't even debatable! Who can argue that soda and sugar are necessary or good for a toddler? And it's well documented that rear-facing is MUCH safe for any small child, it simply shows you took time to educate yourself about what's best for your baby.
Best of luck to you, I think you need a new crowd to hang out with and to solidify your self confidence about your (excellent) parenting choices.
Well... I know what I would do... I would tell them to 'F off' and that the choices were mine to make and not theirs.
Of course, that is incredibly immature and won't solve anything... But it will make you feel really good for a few moments :)
Be glad you are intelligent and not a rude, brainwashed sheep-type person like those moms who are ignoring safety and poisoning their kids with soda and excessive vaccines - you could tell them you are sorry that they don't know much about health and don't care if their kids grow up to be overweight sugar addicts. At your child age things that they are exposed to can greatly affect their lifelong health - sugar addictions typically start in early childhood, and various neurological and autoimmune system syndromes triggered by vaccinations are also increasingly common. Accept that most people are ignorant and many are inclined to berate anyone whose independent actions challenge their ignorance. You'll soon find more people who think similar to you and find yourself spending less time around relatively mindless moms.
You are a great mom. You tell people who have an opinion about your choices to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS! Good for you for not giving him the shot. The chicken pox is unpleasant but not usually life threatening and shots often have greater risks than the disease itself. As far as the sugar goes, the only depriving you are doing is depriving him from diabetes and having food addictions early in life. Good for you momma. The only thing that is really rattling you is your guilt over daycare. Hang in there, you are doing your very best and making really good choices for him.
I think you should tell all those critics to go to hell. Well, no, but it's so stupid to criticize you for these things, I wonder how they find the time to do so.
First of all, he's barely over a year old. He's not going to remember what he sees from his car seat. Who cares what he sees out the window? He doesn't live in the car. Rear-facing is actually safer. You obviously know what you're doing.
Sugar...no child needs it. Don't give it to him. You may have the only non-diabetic child on the block. Revel in it.
Chicken pox...again, not something to go to hell for. It's a mild disease anyway. I was never immunized for it. Measles, now, that's much more serious, but I would never tell a mother to burn in hell over a shot. That's despicable.
I got a lot of stupid advice and criticism, too. It seems to be rampant. Try to let it roll off your back.
Peace,
Syl
My Dad always had a negative comment about the way I did or didn't do things. I didn't have a baby/child and lived far enough away that I only saw him a few times/year. He even wanted me to load the dishwasher the way he thought was best. At first I tried explaining why I'd made that choice. For example why I chose to move to Portland. We'd end up arguing because he "knew" his way was better.
This seems to be the stage at which you're relating to these people. I suggest that you be respectful and say something like, thank you for your concern" and then change the subject. You might want to add, "I know you disagree and I'll take your comments into consideration but this is my decision."
You know that you're the one responsible for your decisions and if you are at all uncertain about one and do want to hear the other person's take on it then talk with them later when it's just the two of you. Do this only if the other person will truly exchange information and leave the decision up to you. i.e. accept whatever you decide.
Find other people with which to spend time. These people sound very toxic to me. It is never right to insist that someone else do something different than what they're doing. Well, in some circumstances there are. For me, as a police officer, I had to insist that they not break the law. lol Sounds like these people are acting like the parenting police.
The only way that they have any power over you, including power to make you feel bad, is for you to give them the power. If you're not comfortable standing your ground without feeling you have to explain yourself, then stay away from them. If these people are relatives, first try talking with them about how you feel and ask them to stop trying to convince you to do something differently. If they don't stop, tell them in a calm manner, that you love spending time with them but you'll be staying away because you don't want to listen to their comments about parenting.
If they're "friends"/acquaintances just be busy when they ask to get together. If they're true friends do the same with them as you do with your relatives.
If they're people "off the street" ignore them. For example, you're standing in line at the check out stand and the person behind you asks you a question. Answer it briefly but if they then seem want to suggest something different (argue about it) just say you don't want to discuss it.
Keep in mind that some people are truly interested in your choices and want to know more about it. I'm 67, but am still interested in parenting issues. They have drastically changed since I was in my 20's and 30's. I'm an inquisitive person who likes to understand many different things. I'm interested in change. I'm a studier of human nature. I've learned to preface my questions/remarks with a statement saying I'm only interested and don't intend to imply criticism but I have friends who just assume others know their state of mind.
I also know younger mothers who ask questions, not to be critical, but to educate themselves. They may tell you what they understand in hopes of having a two way discussion in which both people have an interest. They are open to your ideas but also want to share theirs so that they can piece the two together and make a more informed decision for themselves.
I suggest that you may feel worse after these conversations because you've allowed the conversation to reach the possibility of an argument. You don't want to argue. You want them to accept you and your decision. Thoughtful, sensitive people will back off when they sense your discomfort. Unfortunately many people are neither thoughtful or sensitive.
It will help if you accept the fact that your decision is truly your decision and you do not have to defend it so that people will accept it. Stop expecting anyone to accept your decision as being the right one for you and your child. Stop expecting anyone to have the right to cross your boundaries. Find a way to feel secure in your decision. Observe when you start to feel defensive and know that just before that point is your boundary of where you're willing to go in the conversation. Then respectfully stop the conversation before it crosses your boundary.
You will be angry. This is part of how you know where your boundary lies. It's OK to be angry. It's part of the lesson. So, don't feel guilty about your anger. If you feel guilty, the situation becomes more complicated because you have to first deal with your anger before you can deal with finding the boundary. Pay attention to know when you just barely begin to feel irritated and stop the conversation then. This will take time. Be patient with yourself.
And you may be rude when you first start stopping the conversation. That is to be expected. Again work on not feeling guilty. Then practice, with yourself, ways to end the conversation in a more respectful manner. With time you'll become so accustomed to doing this that you'll wonder why these questions/comments caused you so much difficulty earlier.
You sound like a great mom to me!! ANd I APPLAUD you for not giving him sugar, sugary treats etc. that is SOOOO hard because the stuff is everywhere!! AND I'd let people know that the academy of pediatrics is trying to pass a law to keep ALL children rear facing until they are TWO. It is safer for them to face backwards.
It's hard to know what to say to people who insult your choices as a parents but just know this, no matter what choices yuo make, there will ALWAYS be someone with something negative to say. Sometimes it's just best to smile and say "thanks for you advice, I'll consider it" but obviously don't lol. Who cares what others think! You know you're doing a good job, and thats all that matters!!!
Say " I'm glad you have opinions on child rearing. I'm sure they worked well for you just like my choices work for me. "
IF that doesn't work just respond with " good to know" and a smile. Ignore the idiots of this world or it'll just make you crazy. You're doing a great job.
Tell them that no one asked them for their opinion, and since you don't give opinions on how THEY raise their child, neither should they, unless you ASK for it. Or, you can say "thanks for your concerns, but considering it's my child, I will do as I see fit and whatever I think is safest for him" or just block out their complaining and think of something else while they blab off and whenever they pause or stop talking nod and say "oh, ok". I kept my daughter in a rear facing car sear until she was 3 and although some people said she was too old for it, considering she is short and weighed less than the weight limit recommended for the seat, I didn't feel like I was doing her a disservice, as rear facing is safer. I also let her take her bottle to bed until she was about 2, 2.5 years old. As to sugar, etc., I don't give her sugar or meals with empty calories (candies, chocolate bars and other meals loaded with sugar, calories and fat) and although people criticize me for not "catering" to her in her food choices as in "mom, I don't want chicken, I want pizza", I believe by making her eat healthy items like lean meats and veggies, she will get more out of her meals than by spoiling her and letting her eat junk food. I want her to eat everything, not only "kid's" foods. That's why kids are obese; they say they want pizza and ice cream and fried chicken and the parents just give it to them instead of forcing them to eat a variety of nutritious things and veggies or having them eat grownup food. Some people are surprised she loves salad, but like I said, it's because I didn't give her choices, I made her ate whatever was available, and she grew to like it. I also tell people who host her in their house to please not feed her pasta, cake, pizza, or too much rice (I only allow her to have brown rice as white rice provides no nutritional value) and I don't care if people call me mean for doing all these things, either.
This is my favorite article about this. It's a clever way to say "change the subject"
You just spent a considerable amount of time justifying your parenting decisions to us and, while I don't think that one bit of it is wrong or even unreasonable, you need to start getting into the mindset that you don't NEED to justify yourself to ANYONE.
Your child, your rules. Anyone who tells you otherwise or (heaven forbid) insults you for your choices is not worth acknowledgment. As your son grows older, you'll eventually have to teach him how to handle cruel and judgmental people. So sit down now and think of some of the tips you'll give him.....and then TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE!! :-)
wow, what kind of people do you hang around with? If someone were to tell me that I am a mean mother, I would be tempted to show them how mean I can be.
You know what is best for your child. He is happy & he loves you. Would giving him sugar make him happier or make him love you more? Most likely would just make him a little heavier and possibly more fussy about what he will and won't eat.
I understand how you feel about the daycare. My little one starts in August & I am beside myself.
What do you say? Well, I've found the best thing to do is turn it around on them. People really just want to justify what they are doing and brag about themselves. So what I do is say something like,"Gosh, well, what do YOU do? Or suggest?". Then I let them talk for a few minutes (or until I have to go or can't take it anymore) then I say,"Well, isn't that nice! Bye!". And get the heck out of dodge. Then I know who to avoid talking to.
I don't blame you with the sugar stuff. My MIL gave me a hard time with it, too. I just kept repeating myself about not wanting to give them empty calories and sugary snacks. She finally is buying fruit instead of fruit snacks.
OH my gosh stop listening to these people!
Wow you have some crazy people around you. You are not abusing your son. You're making choices for him that you believe in. I never gave my son sugar/candy/soda when he was that young either. It's not deprivation, he'll have plenty when he gets older and exposed to it outside of the house (like in school).
Once suggestion (only a suggestion) that worked for my son. The night time bottle I switched to a sippie cup with a silicon top and he was fine with letting go of the bottle. He still gets milk before bed (he's three). It's his routine and I don't feel guilty about it (nor should you).
Be confident in your choices for YOUR son and as long as he's happy and giggling and loving ignore these people.
motherhood means you are going to have to deal with rude people, from the day you start showing , to the day you die, you are going to have people second guess you about how you raise your child.. but a child should get the chicken pox vaccination, not because he might be exposed to it, but because there are old strains of chicken pox that are now being seen in the united states, that have not been seen here in quite a while, can you say shingles ?refusing to allow sugar in a kids diet isnt going to hurt anybody, except your local dentists business.
K. h.
