Hi ladies! My husband and I have been going through the adoption process, which many of you know can be frustrating and slow. Well, we received a call the other night from our attorney stating that she has a girl that's very interested in meeting us. We have prepared to meet her this weekend. I feel like this is the biggest interview of our lives! Anyone have any advice on what to say or not to say during the first meeting? We've spoken with our attorney and she told us to bring along an album of some recent photos of our extended family so she can get more a feel for the kind of family we are. I'm currently gathering up what I have. I guess I just need some positive reinforcement! Anyone that can offer their advice or has been through this that can offer words of wisdom would be hugely appreciated.
Thanks!!
I just wanted to update on how our meeting went this past Saturday. We met with a really wonderful young couple, who are both college students. This is definitely something that wasn't planned but they both realized quite early on that they are simply not ready for this in their young lives. We had pleasant conversation (although we were all nervous!) and I just hope they felt a comforting connection with us as we did with them. She had a list of questions prepared to ask and we answered them honestly and openly. We currently have a 6 yr old daughter (biological) so I got the impression that may have appealed to them. They shared the fact that they knew they were having a girl also. They wanted to know about our parenting style, what we did together as a family, likes and interests,and how we felt about the openess of adoption. My husband and I both felt that it went well. We left things open at the end of the meeting and encouraged them to reach out to either us or our attorney if we were lucky enough to go down this path with them. I don't know if they're meeting with anyone else, but I suspect they are just to weigh all options. In the end, they have to feel comfort knowing they placed this precious child with just the right family. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed...:)
Thank you to all who replied and for your wonderful prayers and advice. God bless!
As a child who was adopted I just want to send love and support and let you know what a wonderful, wonderful thing it is you're doing.
Hi! My husband and I are going through a similar process only ours is through a kinship placement. My advice would be to be honest! This young woman is making a huge decision and it is scary and nerve-wracking for her too. Let her know why you are adopting. I told the birth mom of our son and also our unborn daughter that we were parents without children. This is how we felt. We waited 11 years for our son. Things are a little easier for us in some ways because we knew our son's birth mom because my husband is related to her; but in some ways it is harder too. We are striving to keep the birth mom in the loop as it were. Again just be honest, and if you get a little emotional its ok, all moms-to-be do! Let her know what's in your heart, let her see that she is not choosing two people to care for her child, but she is choosing a family, a home, and love!
I have some experience with this...
I would say, think of the qualities that you would want for parents of your child if the tables were turned, and make sure you let those qualities of your personalities show. Above all, be warm and approachable. If you treat this like a business deal (not that you would, but some do), she will sense that and it will be off-putting. In some sense, this young woman could/may become a part of your extended family, so treat her as such. Show an interest in her, not just her baby. Ask her questions about herself-likes/dislikes, talents, hobbies, etc. Be human-tell her how nervous you are to break the ice-she is likely very nervous too! Good luck and best wishes!
I have no experience in this area. I just wanted to send you a big hug, good wishes and piece of mind!
I gave a child up for adoption. I chose the father's sister since she could not have her own children. It was TERRIFYING trying to make my decision to keep the baby or not. I was in an abusive relationship and HAD to make up my mind. I didn't know the family that well, but it JUST FELT RIGHT.
15 yrs later, he is a happy healthy teenager. We kept it open. We went many years with out seeing each other, but when he said he was ready I was available. I did not want to intrude on their life. They always told him he was adopted. He saw pictures of us, me and my other 3 kids.
Soooo at the beginning, I would say, be as honest as needed. Tell the young lady why you want to adopt and what you have to offer. Extended family photos help to show stability. PRAY PRAY PRAY......It will come, God will bring the right baby to you.
Wanna hear something funny?? Austin looks ALOT like his adopted dad! Even though they have no blood relation at all!!! If you put him next to me and my other kids, he does look like us. BUT next to his adopted dad, he looks just like him!! Funny how GOD works!!
Good luck and GOD BLESS!!
D.
I don't know what your lawyer suggests, but there are a lot of things you and hubs need to decide (open adoption? can she see the baby at christmas or whatever, can she make a scrapbook for the baby and it be a closed adoption, etc). My suggestion would be, if she asks about it, for now, say "I don't know" as you don't want her to believe one thing and then y'all change your mind later and she gets pissed. For now plead "We're not sure."
Good luck! Wish I had more suggestions. I have a few friends that are in the process of adopting and ones that are planning on giving their child away as well. This topic of 'open or closed' and what part of the mom's story she wants you to tell her child is a topic that WILL come up (maybe not this meeting, but maybe so.)
I also have not been through this. But I'll be thinking about you over the weekend. I pray that you are indeed ready to take this child and smooth all their fears and truly it is big. Being a parent is big and awesome and terrifying sometimes already. But speaking as a mom with a daughter that was abandoned by her father, I have seen first hand how much a child can hurt because of a parents indifference. I would think you should talk about the elephant in the living room...HER story and what SHE wants her child to know about HER. I can't imagine how hard it is to walk away from a child and to feel like she will be not only gone from the child's life but maybe even a little despised and or rejected in the future if she comes back around.
Be yourselves, and be honest. Don't try to pretend you are perfect. No one is, but don't air all your dirty laundry either. This young lady needs to know you can give her baby everything she wants for him or her and everything that she can't for whatever reason.
I have three adopted children, all from the same birthmother. The first one was "given " to me without any legal paperwork and we spent the next 5 years trying to straighten things out.
I know what you are feeling, but the only thing you can do is be honest and open. The birthmother probably comes from a different mindset than you, so try not to judge her.
I also want to prepare you that the baby will probably have health issues and mental health issues that "birth children" do not have. Adoption parenting is different...it is harder.
When we finalized our adoptions we were told "you are at the end of your troubles...but which end?" I found it very true. My children are all affected to some degree by fetal alcohol and it manifests in ADHD and autism.
Not trying to discourage you, but knowledge is power. Get all the information you can.
Good luck.
Hi Luvmygirl,
I hate I didn't see your question Friday but I hope all went well. My daughter is adopted and it was a very good experience. My daughter was born healthy. Her Birth Mother didn't smoke, drink or do drugs. She was embarrassed to be pregnant because her family is very religious and would be disappointed in her.
After meeting the Birth Mother, if she chooses you to parent, you may be in contact with her until the baby is born. The best thing to do is make her feel as comfortable as possible. Be yourself but dont be judgemental. Your support of her can do wonders for her mentally and physically. Let her know that you want to be involved in the pregancy in some way but don't be pushy. If she doesn't allow you to be there for the dr appts ask her to keep you updated.
I was chosen when my BM was 27 weeks pregnant. I was able to go to the dr with her and I was invited to the delivery and was able to cut my daughters cord. My BM didn't want an open adoption but I share pictures with her. I send her pictures and updates every season. Good luck to you and hope everything turns out well and please keep us posted.
