Meeting X-wife

First of why does he give her that control.......She only does it because he allows it........She wants him back and that is why she cares so much.....If she had gone on with her life she would not be that hard on him.... Watch out girl....I would not let her in my home......Have the dinner out......

What if you were busy Monday night but would love to meet at the park for a play date with the kids the next night or so?
Its public, the kids will play while you two chat and get to know each other. It is neutral territory so nobody has to be uncomfortable especially the first time as it will be a least a little awkward.

This woman is too controling. The dad does not control the environment while the son is with mom and mom has no right to control the environment while the son is with dad. If they are both good parents they do not have the right to question or control issues while the other has custody. I am living the HELL with an ex like this. Do not engage this woman in conversation and think long and hard about each decision. If you are going to continue a relationship with this man, get some professional counseling for both of you early on, set boundaries and be on the same page. Good Luck

Your story sounds somewhat familiar. When I met my husband he was divorced with a 5 year old son. His ex-wife had been the one to file for divorce and was actually remarried when we met. There are several things I would do differently with her if I could go back so this is what I am basing my advice on. Of course every situation is different but hopefully this will help you.

At first his ex-wife was nice to me and wanted to meet me. We happened to live 10 hours away from her which was nice! I understand that if I was going to be in her sons life that she wanted to know me - to a point. We met and she was super nice to my face. But we knew we wanted to be married (I had never been married and had no Kids) and as the wedding date got closer she called more and had all kinds of issues. She would say their son didn't understand and he was upset so when he was here for the wedding we talked to him again and he didn;t care. SHe was the one who cared.

THen later when I found out I was pregnant she was really upset. His son became defiant and hateful to us. Most things out of his mouth we heard her say too so she was the cause of most of our problems.

My advise is set the ground rules early. My husbands ex would call him alot and at work. He had to tell her this was unacceptable unless it was an emergency with their child (it never was in fact many times the child was never mentioned). She messed up visitation times...so make sure the visitation is spelled out and the stick to it...if you have to you can have an attorney talk to her so there are no problems. We even had to set times for phone calls to be made or they would be at all hours - I still believe most of this was due to jealousy. SHe knew we were happy and she couldn;t handle that. If phone calls become about something other than the child he needs to cut her off.

My sound advice to you is make sure the two of you are communicating. Bryan and I made sure we knew the other one and we made sure if she or their son had called we told each other. This way when she started telling Bryan all these mean/bad things I had said he knew she was lying...he knew me better than that and our relationship has not suffered.

It is not an easy situation and I wish you the best of luck. If the two of you are strong then it is easier, but you will have your fellings hurt by her from time to time. If you have any questions I would love to help just let me know.

M. - It seems to me that your boyfriend and his ex-wife have very inappropriate or non-existent boundaries. These boundaries need to be worked out by them. The ex-wife needs to realize she is EX, and can't tell her old husband what to do with his life. She does have parental rights to tell him about the child -within reason. But to demand to meet you, to demand to meet your child - is not appropriate in the manner you are describing. To demand photos of his vacation - not appropriate. To ask for photos of their child if available would be normal.

Now your boyfriend has found what seems to be a substantial relationship, he needs to sit down with ex-ie and let her know what the reasonable boundaries are - and the boundaries are - she has nothing to do with your relationship. After he and she make their boundaries, I would agree with your desire to get along with her, rather then not get along.

41 yr old Single mother of 11 mo.old, 3 year old, 10 yr old

Dear M.:

First of all this woman,legally..does not have the right to dictate to you anything. The courts should be protecting your boyfriend with visitation rights. They are divorced . Im sure he has visitation rights. If he checks with his Attorney Im sure he will find out that is ex-wife should leave him alone and go on with her life. I cant imagine that anyone he dates has to be approved by her before he carries on a relationship.

Second .. You need to protect your child from this controlling woman. I would never leave my child with anyone. Especially a stranger and a nut. This boyfriend needs to stand up to her and stay away from her as much as possible or she will be in the middle forever. She cannot have the best of both worlds. Divorced and In Charge of his Life.

As far as dinner..why are you cooking for her. If she wants to meet you ..You need to meet on common ground. A restaurant or the park.

If you continue on allowing her in your life you will end up as a couple of three not a couple of two. Kayly can play with Tristen under your care. Im sure Tristen has other friends at his Mothers. Kayley does not need to be drug into all this .. she is a child her childhood should be free of stress. not put in a position alone with this woman to be interrogated.

You do not need to prove to anyone who you are.(you know that you are a good Mother and a good person you dont have to prove it) Please ask your boyfriend to review divorce papers, and refresh his memory as to what his rights are. She should not be interrogating him either.

The Lady Boomer

Hello,

I don't have time to read through all the responses, so if this is repeated info, sorry.

You don't have to meet the ex. In fact I would suggest you not. There really is no reason for you two to meet. Your boyfriend is the one who is tied to this woman and he is the one who will be dealing with her because of the children in the future, not you. He needs to set boundaries from the beginning or this woman will make your life hell. (I have been in this situation and you do not want to go through it.) If she is nice one minute and turns on you the next, that is indicative of her personality and is that really someone you would chose to associate if she were not your boyfriends ex-wife. You are the one who allows her to control the situation, not your boyfriend because you are the one who ultimately decides what is YOUR boundaries. With this type of personality, there is no way you are going to win with her. From what I see this is a when I am happy, you will be happy, when I am not happy, neither will you be type situation. You can not win with someone like this, so just remove yourself from the equation and you and your boyfriend will be much happier. If things go sour, as I am predicting they will, because I was in this situation, you will start to resent your boyfriend and I am sure you will not "spend the rest of your lives together." She will manipulate the situation and act as if she is only worried about the kids and find a way to make you miserable and then you will leave because you can't handle it. I would suggest that you and your boyfriend try counseling for blended families before you get married because it is difficult, but if you both really work hard at it and set boundaries, it can work. (I am proof of this, but it wasn't easy.) Once you allow her into your relationship, it will be all the more difficult for you to get her out. Just some friendly advice. Hope all works out.

First of all I want to say that I feel your pain. Being in a blended family is never easy. Relationships are hard enough without kids and ex s getting in to the middle of it. My ex husband and I divorced Seven years ago. I remember being so angry for the first 3 or 4 years. After a while we all calmed down. He got remarried a few years ago and it really threw me for a loop. I had never met this woman and now she is going to be living there with my child. My daughter was even coming home telling me that she had two moms now. I was jealous. Not that he had a new woman in his life but that there was a new woman in my daughters life. But after a while I realized that she took such good care of my daughter when she was over there and My daughter really had a great time with her. She was not someone for me to be in competition with but just another person in my daughters life that loved her. My point is that it took me a while to get to a place where I wasn't angry. I am sure I acted irrational at times. Luckily for me she was a very patient and understanding person. Hold on. It will get better.

Dear M.,

It is completely your boyfriend's responsibility to set the boundaries with his ex-wife. If he is not setting clear boundaries, and being extremely definitive about his relationship with his ex-wife, then you might want to set your own boundaries until he deals with the situation responsibly. You are not required to cultivate a relationship with your boyfriend's ex-wife - unless you want to - and even then, I would suggest that you wait until he has made some sort of commitment to you. Why cause yourself the aggravation of cultivating a relationship with a woman who seems likely to behave in a jealous and manipulative way?

I encourage you to pay careful attention to how your boyfriend handles this situation. If he is not communicating clearly with his ex-wife, then you might be getting a small taste of what might be in store for you in the future. - J.

M., When my boyfriend and I got together I was a single mom of 2. one girl and one boy my daughter is 22 months old and my son was 3 months old. My 3 month old son just passed away 1 week ago monday. Your situtation with the ex is similure to mine. If it will help keep the peace I say meet her and let kaley meet her as well children have a better judgement on adults then what adults have. Also when you or if you meet this lady have your boyfriend and his son there with you at least for the first meeting with his ex wife however you are right she is jelouse that he was able to find happiness else where.

Having her over for dinner? What? Do you honestly expect to have a comfortable dining experience? And if it gets out of control, what about the children. I can understand her wanting to know who the adult her child is spending time with. But meeting your daughter has absolutely no relavance. And why does your boyfriend stay on the phone for an hour arguing with her? He is feeding her control. If she is so determined to meet you, why can't you go with your boyfriend the next time he has his son. Well, I am assuming he has weekend visits. But if he has custody, meet her when she picks Tristan up. The last thing kids need to see is parents fighting.

M., I haven't been in your situation but I do not understand why the ex-wife wants to meet you. Your boyfriend needs to be a man and tell his ex to stay out of his relationships.. I would assume he is responsible and he has good judgements about people and she will have to trust that he does. Now if you are wanting to meet her then by all means meet her, but do not be forced into doing anything. And I do not suggest your kiddo meet her yet. You first need to meet her and feel her out!!! Never I repeat NEVER LET YOUR KID GO OVER THERE!!!! YOU GUYS AREN'T FRIENDS AND YOU SHOULDN'T WANT TO BE!!!! An ex is an ex for a reason, but whatever you decide in the matter I wish you luck..

Boy I can surely understand how confused you must be feeling. The person that needs to understand anything is your boyfriend, not his x! She is only in the picture because of his son and then only when the two of you want her to be. She does not have the right to tell you or her x who you can see, where, when, who to take with you, or anythig. AND...what in the world was your boyfriend thinking by sending pictures to her of YOUR vacation? Aren't vacation pictures shared with your best friends, not those looking for something to slap you around about? The least amount of answering those type questions and of inviting her into a closer relationship right now the better. She appears to be wanting her x back, she will not be meeting you to find good in you, she wants to find the bad in you to tell her x so that he'll stop seeing the good. Your daughter does not need to be a part of this, and truly does not need to go to her house so that she has any time with her to pick her brain, to find out the "nitty gritty". Right now this woman is not your friend, she is your enemy, she is trying to break up your family. Your boyfriend could be the one to stop this behavior of hers by simply hanging up the phone, not reading or answering her emails unless they deal directly with her son and are reasonable such as remember to take his medicine on your vacation. It is none of her busines who he takes on HIS vacation! They are divorced...if they were still married, she wouldn't have to ask the questions, she'd be there! Do NOT have her over to your home for a first time visit. Meet her somewhere else first and get to know her. She is not coming to be your friend~again she is coming to get some scoop to use against you in trying to get her x back. Be very careful of her and stop feeling as though you owe her an explanation for every thing and anything you two do....you do not...she is not his wife, his mother or yours...she is the mother of the little boy that plays so well with Kaley, and right now she has nothing better to do than to make your lives miserable because she has no one in her life. Get to where you two see and talk to her as little as humanly possible to give her a reason to find someone else!

First off, there is absolutely no reason your daughter should ever be at her house period. Even if u two were married, that makes her nothing but the mommy of her new step brother. As for everything else, other than wanting to meet u so she knows who her son is around, there is absolutely no reason she needs to know u, or anything about your lives together, and she certainly needs nothing to do w/ your daughter- how does that affect her exactly? That's like saying she needs to go meet every single kid in her son's classes at school b/c they might be playing together on the playground (gasp!). It sounds very much like she's a controlling person, jealous at minimum. What your boyfriend needs to do is to tell her that once she meets u, unless it involves something directly involving her son, they have no reason to talk, especially about his new relationship! She divorced him, and other than there is a new person around her son, nothing in his life involves her now, b/c that's how she wanted it to be! If he wants to be w/ u now, he needs to put his foot down, b/c you're right, it's not fair to u, and she is trying to call all the shots- and succeeding! I think part of the problem is that u refer to her as "an addition to the family"- how is that? She is pushing herself in to your circle, but she is in no way a part of your relationship except that you're allowing it to happen. I think u should meet her, and after that when it comes to your daughter and your relationship, u need to start putting your foot down as well. I think once she meets u, she should have nothing to complain about (b/c now she met u, that's what she was screaming about), and once she sees that you're not going to let her push u around anymore, she'll back off b/c she won't see u as someone she can step on who will let her control her where she doesn't belong! Bottom line, definitely leave your daughter out of it- and leave the ex out of parts of your lives that don't affect her as well!

Like someone else mentioned, I don't see the issue so much to be the X as it is your boyfriend not setting boundaries. Why is he even sharing his vacation photos with her? I can see that she might want copies of the ones with her son in them, but he really needs to be the one that is setting the boundaries and standing up for you and the importance of his relationship with you. Why is he even tolerating her treating him this way and then relaying the information to you? At this point in time, I would keep your daughter entirely out of the situation. I can see her wanting to meet you because you are around her son, BUT as others suggest please pick a neutral place and do not bring your daughter. You are very right to feel uncomfortable with the current situation and your boyfriend's inability to establish appropriate boundaries with the X. Don't let love get in the way of your instincts. As this problem will likely only get worse over time unless he recognizes his role in this situation and changes his behavior (you might want to read up on Co-dependency to understand the relationship between him and the X).

M.,
I actually went through something like this with my Ex's new girlfriend (they are now married). When it was his time to pick up the kids, etc, she would always start a fight with him or call non-stop until he gave up and left. Before I even knew she existed, she was calling me on the phone wanting to meet, be best buddies, talk about kids, etc. She immediately started calling my kids "hers" and had pet names for them before she even met them. Since my Ex and I had very clear boundaries, this was a nightmare for me! My point was - this seems to be a personality type. That type is jealous, insecure and can't be predictable. If YOU want to meet her, then set your own boundaries (since the boyfriend doesn't seem to be setting any) and make the meeting on YOUR terms. And if you don't want to meet her right now, that's perfectly OK too. I would highly suggest you leave your darling daughter out of it until you decide whether this is worth a long term commitment. My rule for my two daughters and any potential mate was No introductions were made until 6 months had passed!
You sound very mature and able to think logically, so I suggest you really think about the ramifications of this situation before you dive in. If the new boyfriend can't seperate (emotioinally, etc) from the EX, maybe you need to tell him that you'll be putting him on the back burner until he gets those things worked out for himself. Good Luck!

PS - Careful Careful around his son - the Ex sounds like she'd love to find any little flaw and twist it into another weapon to use against y'all.

You're going to have to set very clear, very firm boundaries with her. she is playing you guys.

tell her that you're sorry, but dinner isn't going to work for you. don't tell her why, you don't owe her an explanation. invite her for coffee for 30 minutes at a cafe before you have an appointment. just like a blind date. leave yourself an out.

meet her, then no one can accuse you of being rude. do not get together with her again after this. she is not your friend, will never be. she will always have an ulterior motive. it is preferable to even limit phone time between her and either of you. emails are a great way to make pick-up/drop-off arrangments and work through parenting issues, and there is a written record of who said what. DO NOT introduce her to your daughter until after you are married to him, and then only a limited basis.

You said it yourself, she is an addition to the family. that will always be true to a degree, just like his parents will always be a part of his life. but keep it as distant as possible.

Hi M., my question is where does your boyfriend stand in all of this? Does he stand up to his ex wife or bow down to her every move? I don't think there's any law that says you have to be friends with his ex wife. Civil, yes... friends, no. It also isn't her place to decide who he dates or who he goes on vacation with. I wouldn't go to dinner unless you want to and I don't think I'd take my daughter the first time, save that for later if there is a later. I think I would take the boyfriend and lay down some rules for what is and isn't acceptable from her. If he isn't willing to stand up to her now he never will be.

I wouldn't meet her for the first time with the kids. If she wants to meet you, setup a time for the 3 of you (adults only) to meet at Starbucks or something else that only requires a 15 min time commitment. Don't commit to a dinner and definitely don't involve the kids.

You're smart to keep your daughter out of this... Kids that age who have been through what she has been through need LESS drama in their lives, not more. :)

I'm a stepmom and I didn't meet the ex-wife until we were engaged, but that's because she lives 1200 miles away.

This is a dangerous, slippery slope you're on. Also, I can pretty much 110% guarantee that she will always act like this UNLESS she finds her own new man...

Call Dr. Laura on the radio : 1-800-DR LAURA

I think she gives great advice when it comes to issues like this.
I don't agree with everything she says - but when it comes to parenting, give her a call and do what she says.

www.drlaura.com

I have been on this website trying to look for ex-advise maybe it will be helpful?

http://bonusfamilies.com/index.php

Bless your heart.
My advise is to meet her separately from the children. She sounds like my husband's EX... and frankly is probably unstable.
I can't tell you what to do. I admire your confidence and your wisdom for your age... I think a lot of us would have loved to be as together at 23. I give you BIG KUDDOS for that.
I would not subject my daughter to it for now until I made sure that she was REALLY pleasant.... as her behaviour does NOT exhibit PLEASANT!

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have gone through it before too and it is such a tough situation. The ex wife may try to control things, but don't let her, stand firm on that. Your relationship with your boyfriend is seperate from dealing with her.
It think it should be ok to have your daughter meet her,if you plan to have a future with this man then it will have to happen eventually anyway. I can tell you I went through some major drama in the begining and I stuck it through and things are so much better. How does your boyfriend feel about it? How does he deal with her? If you ever have questions on how to deal with it, feel free to let me know because I would be happy to give you advice on it.

I have to say too that it is not right when an ex-wife wants to be your friend, the reason for that is so she can continue to try and control situations and I also think the ex likes to see what is going on in your life on a daily basis if she is trying to get in good with you.. She sounds like someone I have had to deal with, the problem is you can't run from it, or I would tell you to run, you just have to deal with it, and the best way to deal with it is to indeed be friendly but do not let her run your life.
My hubands ex is the same way and I think it is because they realize they lost something good so if they can try to get in good then maybe just maybe he will fall for her again. Anyway I hope it all goes well I wish you luck and ask me if you ever have any questions.

I have a wonderful X relationship with my Ex's X and we have kids involved too. I would not recommend any time around the X with your child present until you feel that she is safe and pleasent to have around kids. It really sound like she is trying to control things and that she has let her temper raise and that could end up in an agruement that becomes uncomfortable for your daughter. Just get a sitter for your daughter and go over for dinner. Trust your mommy instincts... if something is telling you to not have your daughter there, you are probably right! FYI, your new man will love your level headedness through this time and her temper and anger will only drive him closer to you.

I have a step x.

It's not something I'd wish on most people.

Given your misgivings about having your daughter meet her first - I'd suggest the three of you (BF, You, X) meet for coffee - in a very public place - first.

That way everyone kind of HAS to keep their voice down. That, or meet at the park for a playdate.

Then, once the two of you are comfortably civil with each other, the family dinners might be a little more appropriate - but I'd still keep them out - Cici's, Chuck E, McD - whatever.

From personal experience, our Step-X was the one to cheat on my DH - he got a divorce and we (DH and I) met after their divorce was final. She suddenly became VERY possessive of him - went into his bedroom (at his mom's) after she found out we were engaged and asked him to reconsider reconciliation.

She wanted him alone, miserable, and living with his mom for the rest of his life - a free babysitter while she was out socializing.

Five years later, the two of us still don't get along well - she tells the kids that I'm why their dad left - he doesn't tell them why because he says they'll figure it out when they're old enough... until then, they vacillate between thinking I'm great fun and a huge help with school to thinking I'm the antichrist who broke up their parents' marriage.

Good luck with this - keep it friendly - just don't expect to be friends.

Hi M.!! First of all, been there done that, so get ready for the long haul. :o)

First I would definitely not meet her with the kids around. As others have said, she turned nice way too fast. Also, I wouldn't let your daughter go play at her house, at least not until you get to know her better and trust her. Your stepson can play with her when he's at your house. I think it's great to get the blended families to be friendly, etc. but there's no reason to have the ex in your life more than needed.

If she was this nuts in the first place, my guess is she's not very different from what she first displayed to you.

Be cautious and good luck!!! And remember, above all else, the kids come first.

Best wishes,
T.

Wow! That is a lot to deal with. First of all, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with a woman who is obviously unable to accept the fact that she is divorced and her ex-husband has moved on and found happiness with you. Secondly, I can completely relate to you feeling anxious about her calling the shots, because that's exactly what she's doing. She's trying to exert control over a situation in which she should have none.

From what you have said, this person does not sound like someone that can be reasoned with at this point. I would recommend that you keep your daughter out of it completely until she understands that she has no role in your lives. I think you would only be submitting your daughter to a volatile situation that could blow up in your face without your control, and I know you wouldn't want your daughter exposed to that.

My question to you is, what has your boyfriend done to set boundaries with her, because as a woman who is with a divorced man myself, I can tell you that he is the only person that can set up the guidelines for his ex-wife's involvement. He needs to take a stand against her and explain that while yes, she is the mom, that's also where it ends.

I would not recommend having dinner with her and your children until she understands her role here. I'm sure she is a perfectly pleasant person normally, but you're also dealing with a woman scorned, who from what you've written can't see the line between reasonable involvement and overstepping her bounds. It's obvious she sees you as a threat, not just by being involved with her ex-husband, but also by being a mother-figure to her son, and any woman would have a very hard time with that.

That being said, if you still really want to meet her, I'd recommend doing it at a neutral location, like a restaurant, without the kiddos. And remember that your boyfriend is the one that needs to step up and set the boundaries.

Good luck girl!

E.

He needs to learn to say "Goodbye" to his ex-wife. She sounds unbalanced. Don't email her, people seem to TRY to misinterpret emails, especially unbalanced people. She is trying far to hard to control her ex-husband. Perhaps she is sorry she left him. I wouldn't leave my child with her. She can meet you at the wedding.

Dear M.:
I, too, would meet her alone in a neutral place first to see who you are dealing with. You may be onto something with your "calling the shots" theory, and she does not seem to be completely over it yet. Be a bit guarded at first, and don't worry about the kids being involved, given how you first met. I keep my son out of dating until it gets more serious UNLESS the nature of meeting someone (park, zoo, etc.) involves the kids being present, then there's no point in hiding them.

Legally and morally you don't have anything to worry about. You were not a homewrecker, your relationship developed 'normally', and you seem to be happy together. Kids pick up on those vibes, and they are good vibes.

Luckily, I hardly even see my ex, and I keep contacts at a bare minimum. I know others have found ways to be more civil, but I have many reasons why I do not go that route. It depends on each case.

One question though: "yelling at him on the phone for an hour" - why did he not hang up? I am a bit puzzled that your boyfriend does not cut it short. He may still be "under the influence" for no apparent reason, so you may need to discuss how to deal with his ex. Granted, severe things like hospitalization require longer conversations, but regular talk can be done in 10 minutes or less. I average about 2 minutes for those kind of calls, and I am not particularly sweet or nasty, rather cold.

Good luck on finding your balance. It is a good idea for her to eventually meet your daughter, since she is in her son's life, but that can wait. Depending on how long you dated, you may want to see where it leads anyway.

Keep in mind that you do not have to put up with unwarranted rudeness, hence you want to meet in a public place. Either one can get up and leave at any time. Having said that, a nice atmosphere is preferable, but not enforceable. If she is a threat to you in any way, cut or reduce the contact. She may be manipulative, and the best way to deal with those persons is to keep them out of your life as much as possible. Again, watch for how your boyfriend is holding up, and discuss your concerns with him. He will have to compromise with his ex, but he should be able to explain on which issues and terms he will deal with her. If you/they get along decently, you will have fewer issues with custody and changes of possession. You'll be more willing to swap days or help each other out. But if that does not work, you always have the divorce decree and your peace of mind.

Regards,
W.

dear god, relationships are so complicated... first thing first, have you and your wonderful souunding boyfriend gottent couseling? i know that is so 21st century, or maybe not, to get counseling for everything, but when kids are involved, and you are young, it is important. you are tied to this woman for life, that is a reality. and it will not be easy to handle the blows... maybe the dinner idea would be good, but for a first time meeting, maybe something less intimate? brainstorm about that. hang in there, talk to your friends and family if you all are on the same page, you need then now...

It does sound like a bit of jealousy to me. And if you are the first person he has dated seriously since their divorce, that could be the reason. I would think it would be difficult to know that your X is now moving on.

I would be careful about your daughter meeting her. I can't imagine how someone could change their tune so quickly. And really this is not something to put the kids in the middle of. I would even be hesistant about having your boyfriends son present, just my opinion. You don't want the kids to be wrapped up in the middle of the situation if it does take a turn to the sour side.

Maybe the kids could have a play date with someone while the three of you have dinner.

honey, i would ,nt let her come over my house or see my child something just aint right with that'. it could be a jealousy thing. meet her out to eat somewhere. how old is she? and ain't no way i would sat on a phone and let no one yell at me for a hour!!!

ok, so it totaly sounds like she is jealous! she is acting like a child in a lot of ways. i don't think there is any need for you toget together just to meet eachother. you will see eachother when she picks up triston, or go with your bf to pick him up or maybe one of triston's baseball games if he plays, like that. it is none of her business who he dates and if she didn't feel like he could make good decitions regarding who he brings around her son then she would of put somethng in the divorce papers. something else to think about...is she older than you? you said they were married for 10 years, so i would think she's at least 5 years older and that might be the real issue with her is "what is he doing with this young girl?! she just a kid bla, bla bla" kind of thing. you don't have to prove anything to her! the only person's opinion that matters is your bf's!

I'd say go ahead and meet her. You're going to have to deal with her in your lives so you may as well get the initial meeting over with. As far as Kaley goes, I'm not sure I would take her for the first meeting. Kaley will also have to meet her at some point in time, but if it were me, I'd want to get a "feel" for the X first. I would hope with her being a mom also, she would act civilized and cordial in front of the children, but you just can't be certain she will. Good luck!

Work on the relationship between you and he. Keep all kids out of it...If he is speding time with his children, there is no reason for you to be involved at this time. This is a very emotional time for everyone! Let him and the X work out as many details on their own. Keep the option open to meeting her, but only a gal meeting, in a public place. If and when you meet her, your job is to put her as ease. Afterall, she realizes you will have future involvement with her children. She is a mother the same as you are, and I am sure that is her number one concern..If ater time these baby steps are not becoming easier, perhaps, this is an indication of how the rest of your relationship will go. Imagine if your absent husband would want to throw Kaley into the another womens life. Always try and put yourself in the other persons shoes. Set a time table in your mind for all of your expectations for the relationship including merging the children and dealing with the Xwife...If it just ain't working,,,bow out gracefully...There are plenty of other fish in the sea! Good Luck!

If you plan on being with your boyfriend for the remainder of your lives, you will not be able to not involve her in your lives. She is the mother and ex-wife of your boyfriend's son so not meeting her and including her in plans will only make things harder for you. My suggestion is to meet her without the children for the first time. Go to lunch or something like that so you guys can talk and set some ground rules. She is just as curious as you are and as a mother, just as protective. Her son has been through a divorce and probably has a lot of questions about stability, etc. She does, however, need to trust the judgment your boyfriend has in that he will also not put his son in any kind of danger by letting him be around you and your daughter. She just sounds a little insecure but if you guys air things out without the children and boyfriend/ex-husband, I think you will have a more productive conversation. Both of you have one thing in common and that is the love of your children. Things will work out -

Good luck!
M. P

Hi M.:

I agree with the others. Leave the kids out of it. If you and boyfriend are serious then meet her. She probably is feeling a little threatened and though she does not want him, she may not want anyone else to either. If this is BF first serious relationship since the divorce, she is a little hurt and will probably come around after the sting. This is not uncommon and many divorced people experience this. That said, BF needs to set boundaries and she should not be calling shots. If he doesn't set them now, the future could be a nightmare.

Good luck!

I think you said it all when you stated this, "I don't know if I should involve Kaley in this. Kaley and I have been through a lot and I want to make life more stable for her."

What if Kaley gets attached to these people, and then the man you're dating goes back to his ex-wife? What if the ex-wife is verbally or physcially abusive to Kaley? There are too many complications and too many 'what-ifs'. From your sentence above, I think you know in your heart of hearts that this is not good for Kaley at any level.

My advice is to not date until Kaley is 18 and out of the house. She is your life now. You may ask, "What about my happiness?" Well, unfortunately, that cannot ever be #1 again until Kaley is out of the house. Honor, sacrifice and commitment are a higher calling than taking a daily 'happiness' temperature. Otherwise, I see a pain-filled life for both of you.

I wish you and Kaley a wonderful, substance-filled life! Please take care, and protect your beautiful little girl's future with every fiber of your being!

First, you are not the problem, her insecurities are. She divorced him and now that he's with you she may realize that she wants him because he's not available. Sounds like she wants what she can no longer have. Remember when you were a kid and had a toy you did not want to play with it? You put it to the side, but if anyone touched the toy you became defensive and wanted it back because you did not want anyone else to have the toy. Sounds like typical two year old behavior. She wants to meet you on her terms and time. Tell your boyfriend that this is not convenient for you and make the date a more convenient time for you. If he or you go along with her date then you allow her the control and she will continue to manipulate you both. As for having dinner with the kids involved, that is a recipe for disaster. What if she loses it? Are you going to subject his and your children to that kind of negativity. You may have been told she pleasant and easy going, but was she when she was ranting about the vacation pics? Your meeting should be with the adults only then you can set ground rules on the next get together to see your child. I would not, under any circumstances, allow your child to be present on the first meeting, anything can go wrong. It seems to me she only wants to meet you and your child to size both of you up.

Hi Marcie! I started dating a divorced man when I was 18 and then we got married. We divorced after 4 yrs so let me just tell you what I have learned aver the last 13 years. I was called every name in the book from his ex wife. It was really hard bc their daughter would hear it all and be so confused. To sum things up, time took care of everything and as she realized I was not trying to play "mommy" with her daughter and I just wanted the best for everyone--just like you do--it all got better. As far as letting her meet your daughter, I think it is a good idea bc since Kaley and Tristan are in each other's lives, they each have different mommies and will realize this. If you and your boyfriend end up getting married, then they will be siblings and his ex will be at parties, school activities, etc. and Kaley will need to understand who this woman is and why she is there. When I had a baby with my ex, I made sure our son realized who his dad's ex was and why she was around. Blended families can be so confusing but such a joy if everything can be worked out. I am now re-married to my wonderful husband of almost 6 years and I still talk to my ex-husband's first wife at least once a week. Our kids are siblings, so we have a great realtionship. My son doesn't see his dad, so the only relationship he and his sister have is through the moms. She is now 15 and he is almost 11 and I have never regretted letting the ex into my son's life. As far as letting KAley go over to play--I'd wait til you know her a little better and til you two have a pretty stable "friendship" bc if she turned nice that quickley, you need to keep your guard up. Good Luck!

Dear M.,

It sounds like the Divorce has been recent. The Ex needs time to adjust. If she insists on meeting you... it won't be just for the sake of her child. Continue dating, without the interference of EX.

Sending her pictures with you in them...probably was not a mistake, but done intentionally. Sounds like your dream guy is causing his own grief. And you are caught in the middle. Kaley is 3, the Ex does not need to meet her. Do not put Kaley in the middle. Eventually, if you and dream guy, become serious, meeting the Ex is a good idea. Sounds like Ex wants an opportunity to start a fight.

Never...Never...leave your child alone with an Ex. You always need to have complete control with Kaley. I won't tell the horror stories I have heard from other women that have tramatized the current Ex husbands current girlfriend or wives and their children. Only you can give her that opportunity!

I did not read the other responces, but here goes. If he has a finished divorce and child visitation orders there is no reason to have to let her pull strings. If he doesn't I would suggest he do so asap. She is the ex she wants to be the number one she wants all of you to see how important she is. Her saying your child can come over that proves that she still wants to be too important. If you want to give her piece of mind and meet her I'd keep it very brief and basic. Personally I'd just stay away. Theres nothing she can do about not being no 1 anymore at worst the only thing she could do is call authorities, or cps to check things out and at best you would get a letter from cps stating what a safe enviroment your child is in. Thats what happened to me when my ex's new wife decided to call on me in which mine was opened and closed in 15 minutes and it caused the officer to see need to open one on my ex and his wife. Anyway all I'm saying she only has power of what you give her. I would keep it as nice as possible so she want feel threatened but stand your grounds with her,you don't have to check in with her. He shouldn't even of stayed on the phone with her so long, she left him she is going to have to deal with somethings on her own. Which are the things that you don't feel comfortable with having to do for this woman. He doesnt need her approval she only needs to see that her child is safe. Thats the only thing I would give this woman. She'd call all the shots if you let her. Let her see that you have a very functional relationship. If you two decide to get married one day it will be easier to show that you two together are one if you practice that now. Its very wise that you recognized just what the ex was trying to do. You don't have to even meet her right now if you don't want but if your comfortable with it and you think you can all have a healthy relationship that would be good for his child. Personally I think I'd take all things into consideration and base my long term decision on that. Good luck M..

Wow!!!! what an experience! dr.marnish is a wonderful spell caster, he has made my life complete again by helping me cast a spell to return my girlfriend and also make her to be faithful to me again. I was skeptical at first, but what a believer I am now, his spell really worked! my lover is now faithful to me, if you are also seeking for help to get your lover back? Call +15036626930 or email ____@____.com

No matter how wonderful the Ex is, it is a stressful situation. It sounds like you will handle it well with all of this great advice! First of all, I hesitate to say that the Ex is a nut. She is probably hurt and concerned about her son's environment, which is completely normal. She is obviously not handling it well but meeting her may alleviate some of her concerns. If you spend time with her son, it is her business who you are just as you would want to know to whom Kaley was exposed. She can not dictate when and where and make unfair demands but if we step back and look at it from her side, her main concern may actually be the best interest of Tristan.

With that said, I do think you are wise to be cautious because she is acting immaturely and is quite frankly rude. I agree with the others that the first time you meet should be on neutral, public ground. It should not be in any of your homes so there is no emotional attachment to the area and if things don't go smoothly the first time, you won't be reminded of it every time you are all in that space again.

Make no mistake, you will most likely never be best friends, going shopping and doing each others toe nails into the wee hours of the night but by meeting her and remaining calm and pleasant you will come out on top. Be yourself, you sound like a wonderful girl with a great head on her shoulders!

Most importantly, remember that you are a gift to Tristan in being an example with his dad of what a good, stable relationship is. Tristan was very young when his parents divorced so be the great mom you are. Never speak ill of the Ex in front of the kids (obviously) but be prepared for the reverse to not be true. You daughter has no reason to be alone with the Ex unless and until you are comfortable with her as a person and have worked out your (rather, her) demons.

Beyond that, we wish you the best of luck and hope it works out smoothly. It will most likely be awkward for a while despite your intentions and actions but like it or not, she will be in the picture in a pretty big way for the next 14 years. Your bf is stuck as he doesn't want to disrupt custody or make you unhappy but you should be able to speak to him about your concerns. Definitely cover it BEFORE you meet the Ex as he needs to understand that the Ex has no right to treat you poorly at this meeting or at any other time simply because she is not the only woman in his life any more.

Let us know how it goes! Having been there, I know it can be rough!

If you choose to continue this realationship just remember to keep a cool head. Im a mother of 3 and married a Man with 3 boys. And sometimes I have to put myself in their mothers shoes every now and then to see how I would react to the situation. The boyfriend and the X do have the child in common. Maybe the X thinks that you are trying to take over her child. Build a relationship of a friend with the child due to the fact he already have a mother. And taking mom out of the picture is clearly the last thing on you mind. You are just wanting a good relationship for you and home life for your child. But what ever you do "Do Not let you guard Down". It does sound like if it is her idea it is a great one. Like you said Control is the name of the game to the X. As long as she feels like she is in control (at her house) she is fine. What is you and your boyfiend business let it be just that, as long as it do not put the children in danger. Always look out for your child and self first the rest will come.

At this point, leave the kids out of it. They get along OK, and that is not the issue. Why don't you meet the ex-wife alone? She may be a valuable source of information and ally to you. Yes, she divorced him, but why? Did she feel like she needed to go in a different direction or was he having an affair? Big difference. Let her tell her side of the story and listen, even if she rants. Eventually she'll run out of steam, and then you can start talking reasonably.

M., I have been in your shoes, the only difference is that I didn't have any childern. I would just let it be you, your boyfriend and her to meet this is an adult issue that needs to be done away from both of the childern. The X wife is having issues with another woman being in her childs life other than her. I tried the friend thing with my husbands x wife and all it brought me is grief. When the childern are involved they can pick up on the stress. Which is not good for the childern. Never let the x call the shots if they do then they feel they can control every minute that you are with their child. That has happen to me also. We let her give us some rules and it turned it a nightmare when we slide on them she went complete nuts. I am not saying that this will happen to you but being friends with the x may back fire and cause problems between you and your boyfriend.

Dear M., my current husband was divorced 4 years before I met him and his ex was still acting like you have described. We have been married 4 years and she still acts like you have described. I say this to help you understand that no matter what you do or your boyfriend does it will not change what she does. You could be the best or the worse and she is still going to do what she is going to do. Base your behavior on what is right for you, not on what is right or good toward her it's not going to matter. Your first priority is to protect your daughter as much as possible and your self and your marriage. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable even if you think it is rude or mean. Simply say I am not comfortable with that action such as having dinner at your house or whatever it is until I see.....(name a certain behavior) from you. It's not wrong to set boundaries especially were children are concerned. Sounds like your boyfriend needs help with boundaries too but that is his decision not yours. I can tell you what your future will be like in this relationship dealing with this woman. I'm living it.

R. L

M.,

I've been dating a wonderful man for 14 mos..engaged since June when we bought a house together. I just met his ex today! She has been very nasty and jealous all along. She gets into our business and tries to alienate the children against us. They have three children together and I have one son.

It has been awful living in her/his kids shadow and letting her try to call the shots.
My best advice is to get it over with now. Stay unified with your boyfriend and protect yourself. You make the decision! Just know this is a lifelong tie to this woman.

As a mother, I would want to know who is spending time with my children and ensure that they are safe. But your daughter does not need to meet her yet.

Best of luck to you and my prayers are with your blended family.

M.,
I know it is a little unnerving but the best approach for me when I was in the same situation was to make sure the ex knew that I was committed to making sure the kids were the priority. That their needs came way before mine, the dad's or hers. That was the one thing we could all join up on and stand united. If this relationship progresses, then you will all have to function as a family. Giving the ex wife the reassurance that her child will always be loved and cared for will go a long way into easing a tense situation. I wish you the best of luck.
S.

First of all, I would never allow my 3 year old daughter to be alone with a boyfriends ex-wife who sounds rather unstable(wishy-washy). Although you are right that she will be a part of your lives if you stay together she doesnt have to be a close friend and certainly not someone I would trust with my child just yet. Of course be friendly, but this sounds a little fishy. I have dear friend who is friends with her ex's wife, but this is not the usual arrangements of most situations. If she wants to meet you I can understand--you will be a big part of her son's life. But it doesn't have to be on her terms. Maybe just meeting her at the park while the kids play.

Secondly, meeting her demands of wanting to see pictures or allowing her to keep her ex on the phone for an hour yelling is not necessary. You can handle all of this with a kind attitude. For example, the phone call--he could say "when you can speak to me in a normal tone you can call me back. Otherwise, I will be hanging up."

Overall, go with your gut feeling. And, of course, pray.

It just sounds like she is jealous. She's the one who asked for a divorce, & now it seems she's jealous that he's over her & moved on. Just take the high road with her. Let her be the one to sink to a low level (not that I think you would). She seems like she's territorial.

I must start by saying that I think you are a very wise woman for being 23 yrs old. I think you are doing exactly what you need to, to make things peaceful. I would let her meet your daughter. Let her win her over. I think things will be great. and as far as the jealousy is concerned it may be true but not in the way you may think. It could simply be that she is suprised how fast he got on with his life before she has. Keep up the good work you are a smart woman.

Hi M.,

You are completely right in recognizing that the x-wife is jealous. She divorced HIM, and she has no right to act the way she is acting. I presume she is not dating anyone. It's obvious to me that she wants his attention back on her. She wants him to want her, even though she doesn't want him. Be assertive with that one!
I am glad that you have found someone to make you happy. My husband left our kids and me right after Thanksgiving, and I have filed for divorce. I know it's going to be hard since we have children. It sounds like you are very level-headed and doing what's right for your kids. Good luck to you.
LeAnn

M.: I am unclear on who has custody of Tristan.
Don't let her call the shots. I think having dinner with her is fine, but don't let her invite herself to your house to have dinner.
Instead meet somewhere like a restaurant, which gives you more control over a departure, should one be needed. But I wouldn't let her draw you into any drama at all. Just be yourself and don't overreact if she tries to test you.
And make it clear before you marry this guy, that he has to know that you are his wife, not her, and act accordingly. Good luck!

Hi M. B

Wow! You do have a big dilemma, from the manner in which you have explained this problem to us all; you are a very leveled headed woman. This leads me to think that you can handle this intrusion just fine. I will compliment you further, you have shown patient, sincerity and understanding for not going into battle with the jealous X-wife. Just remember that their relationship is over!. Do not allow any negativity to enter your thoughts in regards to how you both feel about each other, usually when the X wants to make an appearance after hostile behavior it is to divide and concord . It is obvious that she wants what you now have and still believes that it belongs to her. You can be polite and friendly towards her and be this way regardless of what she does, you can do it. I do feel that children pick up more information than we think, your daughter can become concerned or hurt emotionally if you are not careful. These adult matters are unstable and at this point unpredictable. It is not safe in my opinion to introduce your daughter to the X wife. Perhaps in the near future it will feel right but as of now, you are not clear on what are her true intentions. Hire a sitter for the children. The adults should meet at an up scale restaurant were drama and manipulation can be controlled, then over a nice dinner,the adults can clear the air. M.,look and feel beautiful,stay relaxed and gather real information!
R.
TOAW

I probably would not let her meet this person. just b/c she is being nice does not mean anything. when my father died my mother and my father's ex-wife got into it and my father's ex wife threatened to make life living hell for my mother and to take me away from my mom. when my mom talked to her lawyer to ask if this was possible, he said that if she said the right things to a CPS person and police it was possible. so like i said if i were u i would tell his ex that when she can behave her self then she could meet ur girl

There are so many "blended" families that it just makes sense to try to get along. The families are a constant work in progress. You know your daughter best and how she responds to stressful situations. Maybe a friendly chat on the phone with the ex may be helpful in helping you make your decision. Your lives may be intertwined for years to come so at the beginning make it clear everyone has the CHILDREN'S best interests at heart and that means the adults act like mature, responsible, loving parents.

M

Seems like the ex doesn't want to take her finger out of the pie quite yet.

When dealing with an ex, you have to keep in mind that early on is the time to set very VERY firm boundaries. Do it in a nice way, but she needs to know that she will have absolutely no control over your relationship with your boyfriend, your relationship with your daughter, or your relationship with your boyfriend's son.

Dealing with her is a necessity, but it doesn't have to be a pain. She's probably having a hard time with the fact that her ex found someone new. Jealous? Definitely!

As far as Kaley meeting her... that is a decision only you can make. How serious is your relationship with your boyfriend? If it's going to be forever, then this woman is going to be a part of your daughter's life.

Also, talk to your boyfriend before the dinner and both of you determine the boundaries that you will set. Being of one mind will make the wall that much more impenetrable for her.

Good luck! Being single parents with an ex involved is never easy!

It is not easy blending families but there are plenty of them that are successful. Just from what you have described about the ex-wife I wouldn't want to bring my daughter around her until she was more comfortable with your relationship with her ex-husband. If she is not in a relationship herself that she is probably wondering what you see in her ex that she didn't see. In some ways I think it is easier to have an absent parent. I would guess it is hard to see someone else make a new family with your child. Prayers, patience, and caution are my advice.

NO!!!!! Your are not obligated in any way to expose your daughter to this woman. She sounds unstable. She may be jealous of her ex because he has moved on and she has not. Your boyfriends dealings with her should be about their child and nothing else. She should not factor into your relationship in any way other than how you deal with her son. It is perfectly appropriate for you to meet her because you spend time with her son and a mother should know the people that her child is exposed to. But, your daughter, not being a threat in any way to her child, does not need to meet her. And do not think that her inviting your daughter over to play is a nice thing. She is most likely planning on using your daughter to her benefit ie., extracting information out of her about your relationship with her ex-husband or she might try to feed negative things about her ex into your daughter. Your relationship with your boyfriend should be as if you are both single as far as the two of you are concerned, secondly comes his son and your relationship with him and your boyfriends relationship with your daughter, third is your relationship with her. If it can be civil that is great. Meet her. Get to know her. Be yourself with her. Let her know that you are not a threat to her son. But keep your daughter away from her until you and your boyfriend are actually married and you are a blended family. And even then, do not ever allow your daughter to spend time with her away from you. It's just not necessary to your relationship. Your daughter will not ever be related to her so there's no need for interaction. Above everything else, trust your instincts when dealing with her and don't let anyone, not even your boyfriend talk you out of trusting your gut-feelings when it comes to your daughter.
Hope I've helped.
L.

M.,
I'm on the otherside of the spectrum. I have always wanted to meet my ex husband's girlfriend. I want to know the person who is going to be in lives of my boys. It makes me more comfortable to know what kind of person they are and if the kids are there, I can call without it being weird. And we can be friendly at baseball games and birthday parties and holidays aren't weird because we can all work together. I am good friends with my new husband's ex wife and I see no reason that I can't be good friends with my ex's girlfriend. It is a big deal to me and it has nothing to do with jealousy. We go to great lengths to make sure we know our kids' teachers and daycare providers and make sure they are safe to be around. I feel the same way about the girlfriend. If I have a feel for what kind of person she is, I don't have to wonder or worry about my kids as much. I can't interfer in their lives but we are all raising the same set of kids, we should be on the same page, if possible. That's my two cents, for what it's worth. There are so many broken homes these days, I am a strong believer that it still takes teamwork to raise the kids and I want to feel like she's part of the team and not a threat. Hope things work out good for you.

OK...sorry, major psycho alert here.

I remember when I was a newly single mom, I actually developed a total double standard becasue I would NOT even DATE any men with children -- JUST BECAUSE I didn't want to deal with the flack from the psycho ex's. Face it, no woman ever wants to think that someone is happier with someone else than they were with her... You want to think you're the best they ever had so she's going to feel threatened that a) you're making him happy and b) she's lost a great deal of control

Yes she is 100% jealous. She's acting like a jealous girlfriend. She being completely ridiculous.

Yes, they share a child together... but now, that is it. SHe cannot control the course of the future and frankly, it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. If HE deems you as a fit adult... she can't say diddly squat about it.

The sending of nasty e-mails... it's ridiculous.... it's juvenile and he honestly shouldn't even acknowledge it. His conversation with her should have nothing but an information sharing about their child. His personal life is NO LONGER ANY OF HER BUSINESS.

The thing is that when you get a divorce... she doesn't get permission to choose who his friends are any more... poof... she gave up that right.

Of course it's not fair of her to make assumptions...but she's threatened because someone else is going to be introduced into her child's life... she feels threatened.

You and your boyfriend... are not married... and until there is some sort of ... promise (ring) of a future, she needs to butt the hell out.. and he doesn't need to oblige her requests for information about you either by him even giving into one of them gives HER power over YOUR relationship.

You do'nt need to tell her anything about you... via e-mail or otherwise. Do not send her a thing.

If she starts to become irate about this situation... he needs to end conversation and tell her that the only thing they have to talk about is their child. He has no say in who SHE dates... or what SHE does... only to trust that she is making the best choices for their child. If the shoe was on the other foot... can you even imagine.

But, I wouldn't meet her... she doesn't need to meet your child... that's just creepy... don't even do it for a second.

Don't give her any power. Just say that you don't feel like a meeting would be appropriate at the present time but thank for the invitation and leave it at that... period.

Do leave your daughter out of any potential situation with this woman until ... something permanent is in place... what a whack job... your man needs to grow a pair and put her in her place so that she knows her role and knows that her opinions are her own. I'm sure she is just being protective of her kiddo...but ... she just seems creepy.

Good luck! I've done the single/mom dating thing...