Mental Health / Teenage Child / So Discouraged Today

As the mother of a child with a personality disorder you are eligible for free counseling thru NAMI, they also have groups where family with similar problems can support each other. It is a great stress, and my son is 24 and no less stress! You need to do everything you can to deal with stress, yoga meditation are helping me to cope. Also my 21 yr old is depressed and I think it is just because of feeling bad for her brother.

When my daughter was a teen the psychiatrist said that a normal teen has borderline personality disorder behavior and so it's difficult to diagnose in teens. My daughter is now a married mother of 3 and a successful adult.

There are many well written books with good advice on how to relate to someone with these characteristics. Reading those helped me to learn how to get along with my daughter as well as people in my work.

First and most importantly is to not take what they say and do personally. I learned that the most effective way to deal with this is to tell the person that you aren't going to deal with their issue and send them to their room until they can calm down. Be firm, be calm, be consistent. Do not engage with their illness. The more you try to calm her down the more agitated she'll get.

Do not get involved with her drama when she gets home. Do not try to make her understand. Say things such as, I hear that you're upset. That would hurt. Sympathize on a superficial level. You know she has a skewed view of things. You cannot change the way she thinks. You cannot stop her from blaming everyone else. Don't try to change her. Accept that this is the way she is and find ways of protecting yourself and your son.

I've found that the most effective way to deal with borderline personality disordered people is to not respond to them and if they persist in their drama to separate myself from them. Sending them to their room is effective. It will take time to train them to go and for you to learn how to manage your emotions so that you don't get hooked into arguing. With time sending them to their room will be effective.

You should still provide consequences for poor behavior. Slamming doors could result in her door being removed. Be consistent in expecting her to follow the rules while providing natural and logical consequences. You cannot change the way she thinks but you can influence how she handles her emotions.

I urge you to get counseling not only for her but also for yourself and your son. You will benefit much more than she will. You cannot change her. You can change the way you react to her.

This isn't what you asked, but keep in mind she may not have taken her meds while she was away.

I am so very, very sorry you have to bear this but so impressed that you have done so much better than the doc ever thought. Just a thought but does she have any, just in case meds, like an anti anxiety med for crashes like this? I would bet lack of sleep is a factor in this. Try to have her lay down for a while when she gets back.

I have a mil with BPD and I know I have identified with many posters on here that have bpds in their lives. I am sorry if I have ever offended you in my answers. My answer for my mil is so simple. Don't engage. But you have no such easy answers. I have read books where the patient can get better after 2 yrs tx but it looks like its going to be longer for your daughter. I still have hope for both of you. If she gets through this time in her life and through at least 2 yrs of college I am thinking things can settle down.

My mil did marry and had 3 kids and was fairly stable for most of her life. There were still tendencys that showed up but for the most part she was a productive person. That was without tx because she never would admit anything was wrong. You are so far ahead of her.

That's what makes me hopeful. Treatment, meds, awareness and your help should get her stable at a point in her life. There is hope. Remember you are not alone. Seek others with a clue of what you are going through. I have always thought there ought be something, a support group, for relatives of BPDs. I would come! If I were close.

You are not crying because you are weak, you cry because you have been strong for too long. I saw that statement somewhere and its so true. Don't forget that you need support too. We make better moms when we get rest and down time.
As for most of our chronic problems, one day at a time. Today is hard. Tomorrow could be better. Plan for your health and your family's health.
Find a psyc major who could come and help with your daughter a bit. There are so many professionals who done have a clue about BPD. You would be doing them a favor. Ask her psychologist.

Hang in there. I'll pray for you.

For the future tripping;

There are a LOT of men who looooooooove "high strung" women.

They enjoy the firecracker, never a dull moment, having to "handle" them, constant white knight aspect.

Similarly... A lover-relationship, as you know but just may have momentarily forgotten... Is radically different from a parent-child relationship. As long as she chooses a man who revels in high strung/ high maintenance ... You're looking at a 50+ year marriage as the most common denominator. Because that dynamic is one of the "solid" ones. Which may sound strange, but there it is. He'll be her strength/courage/confidant/white knight during the lows... The recipient of her euphoric highs, etc.

As far as jobs, etc.?

Again. That personality type can do EXTREMELY well. She may well be despised by a lot of people (whether she's solo or queen bee)... But adulthood is RARELY about making friends (unlike childhood). Those same driving forces often propel BPD people into highly successful (tyrant style) positions.

It may not be the life you want for your daughter... But its her life. And she WILL probably be successful in both life and love. Which is more than most of us can say.

Please remember... even the most perfect dosage of medication isn't going to be 100% effective 100% of the time, okay? There can be a trigger at any time and her therapies... her coping skills... are either backed up by the meds or they're not. Is it possible that while she was away from home she missed her medication?

She's lucky to know, so young, that she has this diagnosis. So many adults don't have a clue that they have it and need treatment. Look at all of the adult daughters on here that talk about their own mothers and mothers-in-law who have or likely have BPD and wish they were in treatment and would acknowledge the problem. Your daughter is not only decades ahead of them, but a lifetime ahead of them. That's some pretty amazing parenting on your part, okay?

My eldest daughter, who has ADHD and ODD, plus some related anxiety and sensory issues, and is 12 years old has a tendency to be very high on the histrionic scale and border on paranoid when she feels wronged or sad or upset. My middle daughter, who has Autism, ADD, ODD, Anxiety Disorder, Sensory Disorder, can have epic meltdowns that are beyond histrionic. The stress related to their issues can be overwhelming. Like you, I worry about the future and my parenting.

But you know what? You're not starting completely over. You have baby steps and a routine that you must follow in order to get her to step down. You can get your other child/ren into a safe location until that happens. Make sure that she's (back) on her medications and reassure her that she's safe and loved. I have a feeling that the trip may have been very stressful for her, since she was away from her comfort zone for a long time and she probably got overwhelmed. Now you have more of an idea what her tolerance time is to be away from home.

Get her immediately back into her normal daily routines and the things that comfort her. Get her to her therapy.

Baby steps, okay? One step at a time. One minute at a time. Put on your armor.

You may very well have her meds balanced perfectly, but remember.... as she cycles through her menstrual cycle, those hormone surges may very well temporarily set her out of whack....

Also, being at a youth retreat, her sleep patterns were probably not what you try to establish for her, so again, various hormones (not just female hormones) may have thrown things out of whack.

And... I don't know what you did for having her take her meds... but I'm sure you are very careful to have them spaced properly through-out the day..... even if you gave them to an adult to administer, they may NOT have been administered the way you would do it.

What I'm trying to say is...... she will continually have these ups and downs..... you've said yourself how much she has progressed these last 2 years.... it is VERY understandable to wonder what will happen to her when she is out from under your care..... all you can do is hope and pray that she also recognizes the need for structure, medications, and counseling through-out her life....

It sounds like you HAVE done a wonderful job with her..... all you can do is do your best, and the rest will have to be up to her.

Hopefully after a few days at home she will be back to her proper routines and things will get a bit easier?

My daughter was diagnosed with the same thing. later the diagnosis changed. All i can say is that the hardest part is when they are in their adolescent years because their bodies are constantly changing. My daughter has been on just about every medication possible and it lasts for a few months then wears off. Once she stops growing it WILL get easier and yes she will be able to have a normal life. All you can do right now is be patient. I know its hard because i get really frustrated with my daughters issues. I am so glad you posted this because it makes me feel like i'm not the only one dealing with a teenager with mental health issues.
good luck!

I've seen a number of girls who were also diagnosed with this, or who behaved similarly without a diagnosis, grow out of it by 19 or 20. Sixteen is a really ugly and difficult time for many girls.

I think you respond to these overreactions with few sentences, acknowledging her irrational feelings with something like, "that must be tough" but then holding her to certain standards. Even with BPD she doesn't need to go around slamming doors, or being unaccountably rude. If something's extreme enough, give her a consequence and calmly stick to it.

One great thing about the teen years is it helps you let go when it's time for kids to leave home. If it were all wonderful all the way through it would be a lot harder for us moms to see them fly the nest.

She might grow out of it, once the hormones calm down. Like I said, I've seen it happen, many times.

My niece had BPD as well and yes, it is very, very, very hard day to day. Some days are great and other days aren't. Don't feel guilty for enjoying the peace while it lasted. You all need a break and it's okay to enjoy it.

My niece took her own life 4 months ago, so my encouraging words are to love your daughter as much as you can while she is here, despite her illness and despite her moodswings and despite all the trouble she can be.

I was very involved in my niece's life as my brother was basically a single parent for most of her life. Her mother didn't know how to nor did she really want to deal with her issues, so truly I can relate a little to what you are going through.

You, your daughter and your whole family have hard days ahead, I am certainly not trying to diminish that, but when things look bleak, just try and be thankful for the good things.

PS I saw the Temple Grandin movie and it was amazing! It's a definite must watch (or read) for any parent, especially for those parents of kids with challenges.

I haven't dealt with this at all, but I just finished reading a book by Temple Grandin, who has autism and anxiety issues. One thing she mentioned specifically is how Puberty was HUGELY disruptive for her - more so perhaps than a "normal" teen. Puberty is like reverse menopause - just worse because you don't have 40 years of life experience to draw on. I'm guessing that you both are going to have to stay on top of the meds thing because her hormones are all over the place.

When she is peaceful, does she understand her illness and how it works against her? She's 16, so adulthood is around the corner and she's going to have to "get" what's going on in her head because you won't be able to take care of her forever. She's the primary person in the fight, and she needs to have clarity that she's the one to work to control her condition and not let her condition control her. It may give her a feeling of power to be part of the process, if that makes any sense. If there's some way you can "team up" with her to "wrangle" her condition, maybe that will help?

My 6 year old son has been diagnosed with early onset bipolar, so I know how rough the road is! There's some days he's the sweetest little boy around and then there's the days when, well he's a monster! He will bite me, kick, punch throw Things, and i am ready to check out! I have learned so much about patience, and what unconditional love really means over the last few years. I know it's hard, if you need someone to talk to you can message me anytime:)

I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I work with young women at a college, and I know a woman with this diagnosis. The good news is that with the support she needed (mostly, her hometown doc referred her to a good doc near the college so she could keep up her weekly therapy), she graduated college in a challenging field, was a member of a social sorority, made friends, etc. There were some rough times (some very rough), but she made it and is now working and on her own.

I know it is so hard for you. Just keep doing what you are doing - keep your daughter in the hands of a good doctor and make sure you are talking to a therapist separately so that you have an outlet to talk out your family balance issues with your son. She will make it through, and so will you.

I'm sending you prayers for strength, patience, and love.