Middle School Hurdle

I also feel like there must be more to this story that you don't know.

Nonetheless, social circles shift. A lot. Then shift again. If this is the first time it's happened to him in middle school then you're more fortunate than most parents, especially parents of girls.

Instead of moping around in a grieving dynamic, perhaps you can use this opportunity to create new positive friendships, a new adventure, an exciting time of change!

There's a zillion different activities a middle school boy can be involved in. Shed the dead weight, roll up your sleeves, smile broadly, and move on to the next phase, and so will he. Shrug, their loss.

:)

Let him keep those friends. And encourage him to do something not involving the school or church, like a martial art or something where he can be athletic and make new friends in addition to these friends. I would also discuss with him things like what is a good friend, when jokes are no longer funny, and how to stand up for himself. There was a post recently about a girl and her bad friends, too. MS is a tough time. For their moms? Be cordial and civil, but you should also look for other friends, IMO. I used to live in a small town and I disliked it for that reason - everyone knew everyone and there was so little social wiggle room. Even deliberately going to an event or joining a club the next town over may give you breathing space.

ETA: Mamazita may also be onto something re: behaviors. One of the friends my SS dropped in MS later turned out to be a total waste of space. He stole from SS, but that was apparently just the tip of the behavioral iceberg and while it ultimately needed to be SS's choice to stop hanging with this kid at school, round about 6th or 7th grade SS decided he needed better friends than this guy.

I lost a group of friends around that age.
They were getting into sex, smoking, alcohol, etc.
I was a late bloomer - and I'm glad now that I was - but at the time I didn't realize what was going on.
If his friends are ditching him - that was mean what they did around Halloween - your son should take the hint and make some space away from those boys.
It could be a good thing.
The ONLY thing to do is NOT play their game.
Your son trying to hang with them makes him look needy and like a clinging vine.
It may be they are done and the friendship has run it course - or maybe they'll reconnect again in a few years.
It's always a good idea to join new groups/activities/clubs/sports and just keep the knack of making new friends.

Sigh. This is sad.

I would talk with him about what friendship looks like and guide him to make informed choices. These boys aren't his friends, they're jerks. You know that, but you have to let him come to that understanding on his own.

I wouldn't say a word to these boys' mothers. Make new friends too. Show your son that it can be done.

It is odd the mothers are avoiding you too... Is there one you were particularly close to you could ask? Maybe say "hey Suzy, seems like I'm not as close with all you anymore and that's fine. Just curious though if something happened i don't know about." Likely she'll give you a "oh, no, nothing's wrong! Just been busy.." answer but maybe she will clue you in IF there is something specific regarding you or your son. Otherwise I agree it could be these boys are getting into experimenting with things your son doesn't want to. That happened to my husband in middle school. His best friend since age 3 or something started smoking pot as did their other friends. My husband refused and they dropped him and he says it was a horrible period in his life. I'm not sure if he told his mother the reason though... Have you asked your son if these boys are doing stuff like that? (btw - he recently saw this old best friend and guy is pretty much a loser..) I also had a shift in middle school bc I wasn't ready to grow up as fast as some of my friends. Luckily I had some other friends but I look back and it amazes me how abruptly things changed when I said no to doing something one day I felt was a little too dangerous. Boom. Never hung out with a friend I'd been really close to again. One day to next. Complete change. Maybe talk to your son about middle school often being a time of changes and he certainly wouldn't be the first kid to see friendships end. Give him a personal example if you can. Then encourage him to make new friends. Gently point out that how they are treating him is not what friends do so why not keep them but also make some new friends. And then do what you can to facilitate that. Maybe invite a boy to a movie or whatever boys that age do. Someone he's kind of friends with but you could see becoming a better friend. People often need some 1:1 time to cement a friendship. Painful. Sorry. I dread this for my kids.

My oldest at that age was involved in a theatre program outside of school. She is still so close to the girls from that program even though they don't go to school together and never have.

My youngest daughter is in 6th grade now and has also made good friends from a theatre program outside of school.

I think if you could broaden your son's circle by getting him involved in something that he loves he will find his niche.

I would also tell him that middle school is hard for lots of kids and this too shall pass. He should keep being the same great kid he is.

Probably still stems from the falling out you and your husband had with the "popular couple" in your social circle. Ya..I checked in on your past posts.

As you can see, you can't force your kid to make new friends. He is still hanging on to his old friends because he views them as friends since it was your falling out that caused all this awkwardness.

I am sorry...it is so hard to watch. Try getting him involved in some activities outside of his school and church. Then he will make new friends.

OR you and your husband can try to work out whatever issue happened between you and the ring leader couple.

What on earth? Why the moms too? Did something happen? Is there a reason the moms condone and participate in leaving you guys out?

If not, then sheesh.....wth? and what do you mean they don't talk to you. You sit quietly by and no one approaches you? Or you go up all nice and friendly and start a conversation, but they give you the cold shoulder?

If nothing happened, and these are nice normal people...then maybe along with making different friends, you should be more outgoing and invite one or two of these people to do something and feel out the waters more. If they refuse, there must be something you don't know and you may want to ask what...

Regardless I guess, make new friends and get your son involved in some other activity with other people. I hope this passes or gets actively worked out. How awful!

Mamazita's post is interesting..something is wrong here. With the parents too!!!!

Are you sure that the wild goose chase on Halloween was purposeful? I recall the same situation happening to one boy I know on Halloween, but the other boys weren't doing it on purpose, they were just poor planners.

You have to understand that kids that age, especially boys, are kind of socially inept, especially when it comes to planning. They get in the moment, think, "Let's go to X's house," and any previous plans they made immediately go out the window. It might mean that your son is less important to them in the social scheme of things, but not that they are purposely avoiding him.

Avoiding their peers is less typical of young males, who tend to just kind of go with the flow. It's usually young females who engage in ostracizing and social drama.

I feel like your son is probably accepted by his friends, he just isn't one of the leaders, so he's more expendable. If he is choosing to stick with these friends, there's nothing you can do, other than encourage him to get involved in outside activities.

I know it hurts as a mom, but I really think you might be reading too much into this. I think these boys are just being typical clueless boys, who easily forget that they told someone else to meet them somewhere, and have a spur-of-the-moment mentality.

I have observed so many fifth-wheel type of boys sitting at middle school lunch tables, and I can promise you that the other boys are not actively avoiding them, and are not mean to them. They are simply the kinds of boys who are followers rather than leaders, and they fade into the background a bit. But that doesn't mean that they won't do very well in high school or later life, or that they are uncomfortable with their place in the social hierarchy.

Middle school is a time of changes. Your son will survive this.

This is painful but it's not your fight. I read your last post and you talked about a falling out between you and some other adults. You were even considering moving:

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/372683835323973633

I'm a little confused because in that one you talked about 5 kids and in this one you say this boy is your 6th child. Is that a typo or have you taken in an additional child through adoption or foster care? If the latter, there may well be other issues.

But on the surface, since the parents aren't talking to you about this, I wonder if it has to do with the other incident? Or is this just such a small town that, despite all the church involvement, relationships can get petty with people take sides?

Otherwise I would talk to him about why kids would exclude him but then "allow" him to eat at their lunch table. Is that because the lunchroom supervision doesn't allow bullying or isolating of kids? The Halloween thing could be a miscommunication and just horrible planning (which kids in middle school are notorious for) but it could also be a way to bully your son.

I think it's important to talk about what friends do - and don't do - and to let him know that this crowd of kids is obviously not inviting everyone in except him. So there must be other kids around, perhaps some who would love to have a nice and respectful boy like you son reach out to them. The best way to get over rejection is to realize that the others are the ones with limitations, the ones who are missing out - and to ask your son if he really wants to be part of a group of kids who aren't very generous or welcoming or nice. You say he has dignity - but he doesn't if he is lessening himself to fit in with those who reject him.

I think he is holding on to these relationships despite rejection, just as you are hanging on to the mothers who you say are cruel. I think you both need to reach out, find a place where you can be of service to others, and stop yearning for people who don't like you. Just because they are not accepting of you doesn't mean they are correct. In fact, if church is so important in your lives, I would think these would be exactly the sort of people you would NOT want to be aligned with. The best thing you can do is to lead by example and show your son that you have moved on, and so can he.

What preceded all of this change in behavior? It sounds like there must have been an event or something that changed - especially if he is as nice as you said. If the moms are avoiding you too...you might want to sit down with one of them and ask if there is more to the story or if it's just that they have all grown apart.
Small towns are hard...we started a new school after a move and my 6th grade dd is much happier. Her last school had a lot of rough kids and many behavioral problems and just a culture of disrespect.
I guess you can't change schools, but if there is ever an opportunity, I would recommend it. A change of scenery is really a breath of fresh air.

so, what prompted this? if the kids aren't friends with him any more, and the moms won't talk to you, there's more to this story.
the simple answer is that he's in middle school, a historically difficult transition, and you can't pick his friends for him. you need to be there for him with a warm heart and listening ears, but not 'trying and trying' to make friends for him, nor being so devastated by the situation yourself that you contribute to the problem.
if you are calm, matter-of-fact and pro-active about finding and keeping friends yourself, that's what you'll demonstrate for your son.
but it sounds like there's a big contributing factor somewhere at the base of this issue.
khairete
S.

I do believe I'd be having a talk with your pastor.

This will effect him for the rest of his life and perhaps having the kids do some service projects together or having to help a member with some task they need done would help them reconnect.

He could assign their class to something and all boys are required.

Let him be. Although I don't know all the details it sounds like he wants to deal with this himself. If that is the case don't you think it will hurt his self esteem if mommy gets involved?

Is your son upset with his friends or are you upset in how it looks like they are treating him? Is his self esteem faultering because of the mean boys? My opinion, you can't fix this, sometimes parents can just guide. I have friends and a few very close friends. My son saw this growing up. Certain friends come and go. My son has learned this too. Give your son coping skills (if it's bothering him). How to work on dialog, social cues, etc. this age group is tough, even if your son doesn't want to have full out discussions about friends, the seeds of info. he will hear. Best of luck.

I always thought the kid that could do everything was the popular kid, but I guess I don't really think that way any longer. On a broader perspective, kids don't want to be around someone who is always better than them at everything. "Him/her again", type thing.

I think these things happen and we see more and more of it now that so much is shared online.

I guess if you could say anything to him, let him know that he can't be responsible for the way people act or feel. Let him know that if they don't include him, they aren't being true friends. That doesn't mean that they aren't friends forever, but for now, that is the situation. Let him know that this happens in all age groups, adults act this way too.

Keep in mind that not all kids are taught right from wrong. What you teach in your home is not necessarily taught in other homes. My daughter says one little girls mom tells her daughter that she should not be friends with everyone and to pick one friend. Perhaps the message was twisted a little once the girls were done deciphering what she said, but it doesn't sound like a very nice thing.

And remember, those best buds have disagreements too. They don't always stay best buds forever.

It is all part of life's lessons.

Talk to his school and see if a guidance counsellor can meet with all the boys and work something out. Kids need guidance in social areas, one of the hardest things for them to learn, and the only way to get them some help is to ask. If you know the mothers well, you might also try talking to one or two of them, though I have personally had bad experiences with this. I have daughters and the response I got from mothers in a similar situation was "You can't make kids be nice to each other, they have to work it out themselves". Needless to say my daughter is no longer friends with that girl and is much happier for it. Stick to your guns, this kind of bullying and social exclusion is unacceptable.

Middle school is miserable and it can get worse in high school. the good news is that it does get better in college... The transition from elementary school to middle school is also the transition from parents selecting and arranging paydates/friends to kids selecting friends. What I also discovered is that parents who are tight through outside activities like boating, country club, yacht club, travel sports team, etc. have kids who are tighter becuase the kids are spending full days together on the boat, at the big holiday parties, on long tournament weekends, etc.

In our town there are multiple places like this - from yacht clubs to lacrosse travel teams. Those kids are all tight - and exclusive to each other becuase the parents can be a little impressed with themselves too.

At this point it sounds like your son doesn't yet realize they are treating him badly. Is there any chance they're jsut being boys? Are they doing similar things to other guys in the group? Boys are very different in strange ways than girls. In our youth group on long trips if one of the guys falls asleep the other guys will do just about anything to him - draw on his face, put gross candy scraped up off the bus floor boards in his mouth, polish his nails, etc. One mom got super upset by it - but it's almost a rite of passage - it happens to every single one of them and it's not intended to be mean - just goofy. (If it were girls it would be mean - definitely.)

It could also be that these are the cool guys in school so your son would rather be "allowed" to be at their table than to be with the "nerds", "losers", "computer geeks", "skateboarders" etc.

He has to get to that point, on his own, of not wanting to be a part of the group. When that happens you have to be supportive, give him a safe place to land every day when he gets home from school and help him make new friends. Other than that you just have to stand by and wait. The teens years are less physically difficult but man, your heart will break and be tested way more frequently.

Good luck mama.