MIL Doesn't Help with Kids

Can I trade with you? Seriously though, they have their own life. I suggest interviewing and finding a sitter if you want grown up time without kids or a break.

Well your MIL and FIL really don't have any obligation to help you...obviously it would be great if they would help, but that is their choice and their right to decide. You said that they work during the week...they have raised their kids and I am sure they are tired on the weekends. That being said, it would be great if they could sometimes make an effort, but you really cannot force it. The choice to move really depends on your financial situation and if there would be job opportunity where your family lives. I do understand that you are unbearably tired. I remember what it was like to have one newborn...can't even imagine two at one time.

It sounds to me like you are in over your head so to speak and are desperate for help. The problem is your in laws didn't have the children, you and your husband did, they are your responsibility.

A church will welcome you but they too will not help you with the children. You will find yourself bashing what ever religion you choose to worship with because in your desperation they don't care either.

First you need to stop being angry with those that don't want to help you. Second you need time off. If money is an issue then you and your husband need to take turns watching the kids so the other can unwind. If sleep is the issue take turns getting up with the little ones. If you can afford it find a sitter!!! Pay them whatever it takes and take an evening off! This is where a church would be helpful because you can find a sitter that you can be pretty sure is not an ax murderer.

Above all stop blaming your in laws because you are overwhelmed and sleep deprived! It is not their fault. The good news is the kids grow up and you will look back and wonder why you were so stressed. :)

Are you looking for family & a relationship with your in-laws or are you looking for a babysitter?

Hard to say what you are looking for--family, a church or a babysitter. Never confuse the three and NEVER rely on reluctant family to watch your kids! YOU have the kids, not them. They work and value their weekends. Would you like to watch 3 kids all week then go work Sat & Sun 9-5 at another job?
Can you schedule something a few weeks away for a few hours with them?
Can you hire a mother's helper a few hours per week?
You can find sitters on www.sittercity.com
You & husband have to figure out a schedule & a routine so each of you can get good sleep at least every other night.
Good luck!

It is not their responsibility to help you take of your children, especially since your parents aren't helping either. They may not be near you, but that's their choice.

I don't know the age of your husband's parents, but if they are still working, they are entitled to have their days off like anyone else.

In my mother's case, she was a young mother of two and worked at a major corporation to make a better life. When my sister and my children were born, she loved our kids but did not want to babysit much. Fast forward many years, she now has four GREAT grandchildren that she can't get enough of. She goes to all their school, church and sports activities, and if you heard her talk, you would think those kids were the ONLY beautiful, talented and smart kids that ever walked the earth.

At first this did hurt my feelings, because my son was her FIRST grandchild. However, he's grown now and they spend one on one ADULT time together and one of her BUCKET LISTS things is to play around of golf with my son and my sister's son and have lunch...just the three of them.

Not wanting to do this or that doesn't mean someone does't love you or your children. What you think of as love and caring is different then what others might think.

I think if you could actually pull up steaks and move to your folks, you might encounter a similar situation, especially if your folks are still working.

Yes, do find a church, many churches have wonderful children's programs and couple's too.

I wish you all the best, stop crying, start counting your blessings, and pray.

Blessings.....

Well, I think that you are going to get bashed for this question, but I wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from. My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and his mother has offered NO help. Her son. Was diagnosed. With cancer. And nothing. She's older and and frail so she can't really help with the kids, but nothing financial, she hasn't called me, sent a card, anything. It's infuriating. Yes, I understand that grandparents have already "done their time" raising kids and that we aren't owed anything, but heaven help me if I don't do everything that I can for my kids even when I'm an old lady.

Anyway, I don't have a lot to offer, other than sympathy. You could look into joining a church. You could also try moms groups in your area. Do you have a little extra money to pay even a HS babysitter to stay late one night and do a couple of the night feeds while you sleep?

But first you should talk to your doc about the depression. Even if it turns out to be nothing, or totally situational, post-partum depression is no joke.

Good luck.

You and your husband chose to have children and that makes them your responsibility. Why should your in-laws help with the children? They have already raised their kids and should not be responsible for anyone else's children.
I'm sure it's difficult on you with twins and a toddler, but what would you do if your husband had no family? What if neither of y'all had any family?
I don't think this is any reason to be upset with your in-laws. And perhaps they do not want to deal with small children who are so demanding and that is why they do not spend a lot of time with y'all right now. That's pretty normal too, at least in my opinion.

It may not be nice to say, but you had your children and you should not expect others to help raise them. That responsibility belongs to you and your husband.

Your life must be pretty crazy and stressful with infant twins and a toddler.

And, speaking as a woman now in my 60's, younger people usually have no idea at all about the limitations on physical and mental energy available to your 40+ in-laws. Life is very different once you're over the age hump, and much more so for some people than others. I've been dealing since before menopause with uncomfortable, distracting and exhausting health issues and corresponding lack of sleep. When my daughter became preggers with her first and only child 6 years ago, I just felt tired. Instead of joy, my first thought was, "Oh, dear, they're going to want me to babysit… (sigh)."

Fortunately, I fell so in love with my grandson at his birth that I have somehow dredged up the energy to spend a day with him every week. (Don't think I could manage twins.) It did NOT have to happen that way, but I'm glad it did. Otherwise, I'd probably be in the position of your MIL, side-stepping as many "opportunities" as possible. (Who knows why she does this, but it's pretty safe to say she does have her reasons.)

Yes, it would have been a loss for all involved. But I would never have known what I was missing, and neither would my grandson. My daughter would probably have had feelings like yours if I didn't happily volunteer to be with the child. I would probably have 'forced' myself sometimes; I would probably have some guilt and been manipulated into helping sometimes, but really, this gift of irresistible love was so unexpected for me that I can only wonder and laugh.

People can't make themselves love what they don't love, or want what they don't want. Sad, perhaps, but so true. I'll bet you can find numerous examples of your own. But one thing that might help is that you forge a stronger relationship with your inlaws. Take an interest in their lives. Care about them, their needs and expectations. Find out whether they are feeling strong and energetic. You could learn surprising things about them. And they might, in return, find themselves caring more about you, and more willing to respond to your needs. Let them know how much you'd love your children to KNOW their grands, and be specific about the ways, besides giving you a break, that your children could be enriched by more frequent visits. And it would be helpful if your husband took a central role in making this happen, since he's their son.

I'm sure their help isn't the only thing you care about, but your request sounds that way. With twin babies, I can only guess how exhausted you must feel. But your in-laws already went through the years of overwhelm when their babies were young, and they may have done so with little or no help from their parents. I presume that getting pregnant was your choice, but even if it was an accident, your MIL did not choose your pregancy. She might feel justified in being done with babies. Yes, you'd do well to extend your community of friends and chosen family, through church activity, support groups, and play groups.

I wish you the best.

I haven't read all of the responses but I wanted to let you know that maybe it has to do with the age of your kids. Some people are baby-toddler people and some are preteen to teenage people.

My in-laws are teenage people because they are just not that cuddly for a lack of a better term.
I would start looking for a baby sitter, even if it is a young one. They could play with kids while you take a nap or something. That way your attention is somewhere else but your near enough in case of trouble.

My parents, who had been a huge part of our life, retired and moved literally the day after my oldest (and then only) daughter turned three. They had developed such a close relationship with her, but because they hate the weather in MN, they moved to South Carolina. Now, we see them once or twice a year if we're lucky. When I had daughter number two, they came up for two weeks when she was two and a half months, and the next time they'll be here, she'll be 14 months old. They won't even be here for her first birthday...nor have they been here for Christmases, other birthdays, so many firsts...and it saddens me. We were all so close...and I know I couldn't move away from MY grandchildren.

So, that being said, my in-laws still live right here in town and work full-time, and have other things going on taking care of their own parents, etc etc. They are very loving, but it's VERY rare that they are "available" to help out. My father-in-law always makes time if I ABSOLUTELY need him (I needed someone to go with me to take baby to Mayo, for example, and I needed someone to come stay with older daughter when younger was born. Both times I expected my mother-in-law, but using "work in the morning" as an excuse she sent my father-in-law.)

So okay, we see them once every few weeks, have a nice visit, and of course we get together on holidays, but I am so past expecting anything from them. I agree that they are not obligated to you, especially when they both work full time.

I would take what you can get and make the best relationship you can out of it, because it is important for your children. That's what I do! And I can't wait to see my own parents again!

Oh, and I totally recommend finding a church and start going every week. Not just for the fellowship (although that's really an important part) but for the learning, growing, and faith you will gain in Christ in your life. I look forward to Sunday every week, and am excited to go to church. It is my support network, essentially, besides being a wonderful time of learning in my Bible and sharing God's love with others. Me personally, I attend a Baptist church and that's the best for me.

Sweetie, it sounds like you are just overwhelmed and I don't blame you. Twins are a lot of work, and twins with another little one would push most of us to our limits. Please see that this is about you and a very understandable sense of being overwhelmed that WILL get better as the babies get older. Friends with twins have frequently said that the turning point is when they are about 9 months old, then you'll start to feel like you are gaining some sense of normalcy in your life. Until then, it's just a very bumpy ride and that's to be expected.

This isn't about your in-laws. They raised their children and had no say in how many you will have and when and no obligation to be there or help you. You and your husband are the parents, together you decided to have children, together it's no one's responsibility but yours to care for them, period. It would be nice if they were more helpful, but that would be a generous bonus and not a baseline expectation. Especially where they are both working, they need their downtime too and spending a weekend with 2 infants and a toddler is not for the faint of heart. I think you might be over estimating their energy levels - people our parents' ages, even those who are healthy and still working, have fatigue and aches and pains that most of us don't even think about. I would never expect my mother to be capable of watching infant twins, and she watched all of my kids, is a mom of 5 herself and an RN. Your ILs are not up to the task and/or not interested and there's nothing wrong with that.

As far as moving is concerned, presumably you and your husband agreed on where you would live and raise your family before you had children for reasons that didn't include the erroneous presumption that his parents would be helping you. Reconsider those reasons and in light of the current circumstances, if it makes sense to move closer to your family, consider doing so but I would wait until you're through the worst of this, perhaps when the babies are a year older. I don't think that you will need as much help then as you do now.

Certainly joining a church would benefit you and help you build your network of friends and neighbors, but join because you have things to offer too. You can't just show up hoping for support and plan on not paying that forward sometime in the future when you can.

You are having strong reactions to a situation that really is temporary. If I were there with you I would fix you a cup of tea and send you to bed to catch some sleep and watch your kids for you, because that's what you need right now. None of this means that your ILs are bad people and won't have a relationship with your children. I bet that as the kids get older they will be more comfortable with them and you will be more easily able to visit them too so it's not them coming to you all the time. This too shall pass, it really will!

If you want family time with the grandparents, invite them over for dinner or whatever. I understand you are tired and feeling overwhelmed, but while it would be nice for them to offer to help out, they are not obligated to do so - in your post you sound like you just expect this of them and are upset that they are not more forthcoming. But remember that they are still working during the week, probably want their weekends to themselves, and they have already raised their kids - maybe it's bit selfish of them, but they have also earned it. They may feel they managed to get through raising their kids without regular outside help. They may also not feel capable of handling 3 children this young either. My mom helped me a lot with my DD when she was between 12 and 18 months but you could tell she didn't feel 100% comfortable doing things on her own like taking her in a car to the park or to the store. At 65 she just didn't have the energy level that she used to have and it had been 30 years since she had routinely taken care of babies and toddlers (me and my brother).

Church would be a great idea, and it might give you some contacts as far as baby sitters and such, as well as support groups for moms. I am also going to suggest that lack of sleep might be affecting your emotions and causing you to displace your anger onto your in-laws for not automatically pitching in. Moving closer to your family is a drastic step and it seem to be only would be worth it if there are ample job opportunities, the cost of living is reasonable, and the schools are good. And you have to consider, if you currently own a home, how easy is it going to be to sell that home and would you possibly lose money on it. Have you talked to your husband about this, since these are his parents you have the issue with and he obviously would be affected by moving too? Moving has to be a practical and economic decision sometimes, not just an emotional one. You are also assuming your family would help out more than your husband's.

EDITED TO ADD: One of my best friends has twins who are now 4, and they have often had an au pair living in their home to help out since her husband was working full-time and she sometimes tried to work part-time from home. Maybe another option to consider?

My parents have seen our children about 10 times total in the 7 years they (the oldest) have been alive. My youngest is 5 months and my mother has yet to see him. (My parents live 2 hours away). I have offered (begged) for my mother to come so she can meet and spend time with her grandkids. I offered to pay for her train ticket, pick her up from station, etc. She won't come. I had ZERO help when my youngest was born 5 months ago.

We see my in laws maybe once every other month, and that is just to visit, not to help. They also get upset because we don't go to them as much as we used to. We currently dislike packing up 3 kids (new baby) and driving to their house that has NO toys and is not baby-proofed - so we ask they come to us most times (and this is only recently due to the new baby). My in laws are in their early 50s, excellent health and my MIL DOESN'T WORK or have any other responsiblities. My MIL has on numerous occassions said she was going to do something to help, ie bring over food or something, and then just doesn't show or call. She is much more involved than my mother, however, so I am thankful for what I get from her.

I am in the SAME boat as you - I work full time, am exhausted, still getting up with a nursing baby, no help, etc. I totally get what you are going through. You should private message me to talk - it can help!

You'd think both sets of parents would want to be more involved. My children are so amazing! And I am not just saying that because I am biased! lol. They really are amazing, bright, well behaved children. And I know my in laws love them, they just don't act.

Unfortunately, not all people act the way we want them to. So, I feel your pain, and the frustration and disappointment will probably never go away. I have realized for a long time that my children will only have us, which is why I want a big family. Hugs to you, and PM me if you want to vent because I totally know where you are coming from!!! I can share with you what I have done to deal - as I have the disappointment coming from both sets of parents. And try to ignore posters like Cherly O - who acts like that?!?!

I wish you the best.

I'm sorry but I feel your anger is misplaced. The grandparents do not owe you help. Maybe that's why they are avoiding you. Not all grandparents want to babysit, maybe they just want to enjoy the grandkids for a visit while you are in charge of taking care of them. Older people who work all week don't owe you their weekends to "help out" and you should not expect that. Perhaps on their weekends, they are busy trying to keep up with the housework at their own house, maybe they have a busy social life with friends, maybe they think their weekends are for fun things like golf, tennis, museums or day trips. You opted to have these children, you should have been prepared to take care of them. Your inlaws already did their childrearing. Now it's your turn. Before you think about making plans to move near your family, be sure that your family shares your idea of what family will be like so that you are not in for another disappointment. I don't think that many of us had people coming over to help us other than in the newborn period of time.

Our whole family is like that. They love our kids when we are watching them but offer squat for help. We had to learn that they love our kids in their own way and just cannot be counted on for help of any kind. It's not that they don't care, it's that they are not kid people and don't want to do it. Yes it sucks, but you've only got the family you've got. I'm sorry you are struggling, maybe it helps to hear you are not alone in the crappity family situation.

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C.,
I know exactly how you feel. My kids are 5 and 7 and my MIL has never babysat for them, never changed a diaper, never taken them anyplace alone. And neither have my sister-in-laws.

We are the only ones on my husband's side who have children and my family is in another state (well, several other states, but none close to us). I resolved a long time ago to just let my husband's side of the family do what they do and not expect anything. Their relationship with our kids will be whatever it is and there isn't anything I can do about that.

Some people are just not "kid" people. It's too bad and their loss, because our kids are terrific. I would recommend that you "create" a family for your kids by finding a good network of friends, and don't stress yourself out with wanting people to do what they are not interested in doing for you.

Good luck. I know it's hard. It gets easier as they get older.

My first question would be do you actually invite them over at specific times or just expect them to "drop by". Many people do not feel comfortable just dropping by at a persons house, and even find it rude. So try setting up a set time to have them visit, like a Sunday brunch, and than see if you can make it a regular thing.

As for the sitting, it is her right to say no, they are not her children, and she may think that twins and a toddler would be too much for her to keep up with. Have your hubby sit and talk to her about all this.

I'm sorry that you are so frustrated. I understand your frustration, as we were in a similar situation, with our in-laws being much closer than my family, but they never helped. When you are struggling and need help, and see "family" nearby that are not offering, it is hard not to be upset.

However, it is not their job or responsibility... While it would be really nice if they stepped up, it's not their duty or obligation to do so. Also, they may be uncomfortable around the kids (especially if the kids are young). And frankly some people (even some grandparents, LOL) just don't like kids.

What you can do is put aside your anger and let your MIL & FIL know that you want them to be part of the kids lives. Extend the invitation to them to come and visit; either a general invitation or a specific one (date/time/activity specified). And it's okay to be sad/disappointed if they don't take you up, but keep offering. And work to let go of the anger--it only hurts you, and does nothing to them...

Then, separately, let your MIL know that you are overwhelmed, and that while you know it's not her job, any help that she & FIL could give would be so appreciated, if they feel so moved. And if they don't feel so moved, then you need to just let it go.

In the meantime, to help with the frustration/struggles, think about having the kids stay at daycare an extra hour so you can have some down time, either to be productive if you feel that will help you destress, or do something relaxing (read a book, watch a movie, have a bath). Find a regular sitter or trade babysitting with friends. If you don't know anyone, check out your local church, check meetup.com for playgroups, etc. Hire a housecleaning service or a mother's helper to help you out. And let your DH know.

Have you invited your inlaws to your home? I am asking because maybe they don't know you want them to come over or if you are ok with them coming over.

As for her not watching them, maybe she doesn't feel she can handle them, maybe she doesn't want to be a babysitter.

It really isn't their job to "help" but it is their job to be grandparents (but maybe they aren't ready to fill that role).

Hi C.

First off, *hug* -

NOW - the first thing you need to do is accept that your in-laws are not the same as your family. Not everyone is going to be super involved in helping out with grandkids....it doesn't mean they don't love them (and you), it just means that they don't have THAT to offer. Not everyone enjoys being around little kids - even if they love those kids - and even if they raised some of their own. It's demanding, as you know. I love it...but that's me.

I have a very difficult relationship with my husband's mother. She has been verbally abusive since the night we met, and the nicer I am, the meaner she gets. I have spent *far* too much time thinking about it, crying about it, and trying to be her friend. After 10 years, I finally gave myself persmission to dislike her BACK and honestly, it only felt good for a few months, then...not so much. NOW - I need to just accept that she enjoys being mean to me and move on. I can't do anything about it and need to be thankful that we don't see her often - and manage my emotions and responses when we do. I also need to keep being nice (unless she is over the line with my kids), because that is who I am. I recently learned I am not her only target (and her OTHER primary target is an incredibly kind man), so this isn't about ME, and thinking it is is actually pretty self-involved.

Soo....

when I read posts like your, I feel sad. You really aren't in a horrible situation. Your in-laws are not being MEAN to you or your kids..they just aren't the kind of grandparents you hoped for...or the kind your own folks would be. I know this hurts, but it's not really a cause for a confrontation.

My husbands' Dad (who is no longer married to his Mom) is a lot like your in-laws. He lived 15 minutes away and see him a few times a year. I was upset at first too...but then I realized that is all he has to give. If the kids ever ask about it, we'll say, that's just his way and we enjoy seeing him when we can. Being emotionally abused is NOT an inherent part of having in-laws...but accepting that they are not going to be just like your parents is....

Good luck. Oh, and yes, finding your church home will be great. Ours has given us an awesomes sense of community and "family."

you poor little mom! you sound overwhelmed, and i would be too. you've got a lot on your plate, and maybe a touch of post-partum.
you need to find help. a really good babysitter or nanny to give you an occasional break, even one afternoon per week. even if all you do is sleep, or take a bubbly bath with a good book.
hard though it is, it's not your in-laws' fault. they are older now, they work, they want their weekends free. some people just don't do babies and toddlers well. IF you preserve the relationship with them, you may well find that they are amazing grandparents to older kids. i myself adore teenagers and tinies. i find toddlers and under 7s much less interesting. your in-laws may feel overwhelmed by the babies and by your obvious desperation, and feel so guilty about their inability to help you that they just avoid altogether. and for serious and true, it's not their job. it would be nice, but they're not obligated.
if you want a church for spiritual support, look for one on that basis. you don't need a church to teach kids about god (you should be sharing your own spiritual values with your kids every day), and they won't provide daycare for you.
network, hon. find mom support groups, and groups for mothers of multiples. take the kids for walks in your neighborhood and nearby parks, and strike up conversations with the moms of other kids. that's where your best support, advice, laughter and commiseration will come from.
good luck!
khairete
S.

C.:

They DO have a relationship with their grandchildren - just not what YOU want.

I can sympathize with you and how tired you must be. However, this was YOUR CHOICE....don't expect others to do it for you.

Please call your OB/GYN and let her know you are overwhelmed and tired - possibly have post pardum depression.

Find a Mother of Multiples group near you. Find out how they coped the first year of their twins or more lives.

You need to learn to do this yourself. All of us did. It's not easy. But you have to do it on your own. let your husband know how you feel and what you need. Ask him to fix dinner so you can sleep - something.

Find a sitter that can come in after school and sit with the kids and allow you to sleep or do something.

getting out of the house with babies is easy - you can put them in car seats and go. it's the older ones that you have more trouble with!! :) But it's POSSIBLE!!

they work full time. the weekends are the only times they have to get their stuff done. you said you had more time with them before the kids - did you ASK them over? Maybe they don't want to impose upon you or wake the kids. Maybe they are too nervous around babies...believe it or not - others get nervous around babies!!

You need to talk WITH them. They've already raised their kids. They MAY believe that you want help to raise the kids.....after all - these are YOUR children.

I like what many have said - that family is under NO OBLIGATION to help.

I know it sounds mean - but it's not meant to be - but really? Your expectations are way out there.

You want to uproot your family to be closer to your parents. this is a BAD idea. VERY BAD idea. If your husband is employed and stable - there is NO SENSE in moving. This is just asking for trouble. You can't be sure or guaranteed that your parents will be any more willing to help once you move there.

Get involved at church. You might find other people out there who can help you.

Please take a deep breath and consider whether it's exhaustion, frustration and the sheer overwhelming issue of new twins that is really talking here. Yes, you're frustrated with the in-laws, but the frustration may be being magnified and blown up due to what sounds like tiredness -- you are operating on very, very little sleep and little energy, and with good reason!

LIke someone else posted, have you issued them a specific invitation to come over for a specific activity with the kids, or just mostly waited for them to contact you and make the first move?

Sometimes older folks are from a generation that believes things like this:

"I don't want to interfere; I don't want to be in their way; they have two new babies and must be so busy, I'd be underfoot."

"It's been so, so long since I was around babies, I don't know how to help anymore, and if I do something wrong it'll make my son and daughter-in-law angry with me."

Just as legitimate is this: "I love the grandkids but don't want to become a babysitter. Still, I wish the kids would invite us over sometime to see the grandkids."

It's entirely possible they'd like to see more of your children but are trying not to get in your way -- and their good intentions of helping by staying out of your way are being interpreted as "they don't care, they don't want to see the kids." As for "just stopping by" as you expect them to do -- my mom's generation just doesn't do that; they would always call first, or wait to be invited.

You need to have a real and open talk with them, and your husband must be the leader on that. You are emotional and exhausted and angry and he should calmly let his folks know that he and you would really like them to see more of the kids.

Then issue a specific invitation, not a vague "whenever you can" statement that leaves all the initiative on their shoulders. Ask them over for lunch one day, followed by having MIL hold one twin while you feed the other in a different room. Or have MIL and FIL spend some time just with your toddler right there at home -- your home is fine. Or ask them to come with you as you take all three kids to the mall iin strollers for a walk (at a time of day when the mall's not busy!). Have them push a stroller and chat with you. It sounds like they may need some time with the kids with you and your husband around so they can get more used to the children -- they may just be worried that they don't know how parents these days want their young children "looked after." It's a lot to expect them to look after kids if it's been decades since they did so. You may find that they are just never going to be comfortable with taking the kids off your hands entirely but may only be comfortable hanging with the kids if you or your husband is around. But you have to start somewhere.

Moving your family would be such a drastic overreaction to what may be a totally temporary thing. And one last thing: Don't depend forever on family, family, family to fill the gaps and be your children's friends and supports. Get out and get into groups -- "mothers of twins" has a group, MOPS as others have mentioned, a church playgroup (call around), other groups (hospitals often sponsor community groups for new parents), and find time where your husband is with all three kids and you can just sleep (for now) and later you can pursue some interest that is not kid-related (might be a while). Good luck, and if you continue to feel down -- please get professional advice!

They have raised their children and do not have any obligation to help raise your kids. Perhaps if they felt that could just visit they would be more comfortable. Also many people do not particularly like infants or small children. They may be much more interested or involved when the kids get a bit older. If you want them to have a relationship, I would have DH speak with his parents about it.

I have one 5 year old so I see that with 3 you would need some help, at least part of the time. Maybe consider a nanny or at least a mother's helper a few days a week.

Best of luck.

This isn't to be mean so please don't take it that way but...find other means to get out. They are obvously not as interested in the kids as you. You chose to have the family of three not them, they don't have to watch the kids, it's not their job, they don't have to offer to watch the kids. They had their kids and have moved on. They will enjoy them during the holidays. Uprooting the family and moving is a huge task. They are your children and for you to care for soon enough they will be out. My hubby and I have three kids and do just fine without family, with the right state of mind you can handle it. Not having family around able to care for the kids makes those night we get out that much more special. When you work all week you are not going to want to go visit the grandkids all weekend or even every weekend for a few hours, it is a LOT of work to be with the grandkids especially after a work week. Hope you understand what I am saying.

I am sorry you are feeling overwhelmed but perhaps you should remind yourself that extended family has no obligation to help. If your in laws work they are likely tired plus they probably enjoy doing their own thing. They raised their children. Is it discouraging? Of course it is. I feel ya :) I have AWFUL parents. I was emancipated at 17, I knew I wasn't getting help from anybody. I also have 3 kids and although I never had multiples I understand how exhausting it is to have infants and toddler all at once. Have you tried inviting them over, maybe they feel like they would be intruding if they stop by. You say they came to a party. Church is nice anyway, we go every week. As far as "family" feeling goes I don't get that from Church. But I don't trust ANYONE with my children so that is probably just me. I think overall though you just have to accept them for how they are. Enjoy your own family and know that it never really gets easier just different and the sleepless night will mostly end before too much longer.

It's really hard to have inlaws who would rather not mess with your kids. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means they don't want to mess with kids. Theirs are grown. My mom is like that sometimes. She does daycare during the week. Is everyone in the worlds go to person in a crisis with their kids. Except mine lol. I know she loves them but forget asking if they can spend a night with her or if she will come to my house to sit. My kids are older now. highschool and college age. and my mom says to me things like "I just don't know your kids" "I wish your kids felt closer to me" really? I would like to slam her and say well then maybe you should have paid a little more attention when they were little. They way I got through that phase in our lives was to surround ourselves with our church friends and several other couples with kids our kids ages. we pretty much saved each other. It will get easier. But don't let it make you crazy and don't be angry about it. some people just don't want to mess with babies. I myself have grandchildren. I love spending time with them now. but as new borns not so much lol.

Congrats on your twins!! I can't even begin to image how you do it. As far as your in laws are concerned, the fact that they don't help out, doesn't mean that they don't love you and the kids. I think that you should have your husband speak with them and find out what the deal is. In the meantime, you have to keep in mind that your their mother and you are the glue that holds the foundation together.Keep up the good work! :)

Um, they work all week maybe they are tired and have things to do themselves. Maybe twins and a toddler are just too much for them. It seems
lately everyone says that it is hard not having help. Years ago no one I knew
depended on anyone. We all just did it. I had a 3, 2, 1, yo and a newborn
(by choice we wanted them close). I just did it. Yes it would be nice
if they were more involved. Maybe when they retire. Unfortunately, there is
nothing you can do.

I really do understand how you feel. And yes, it may have (partly) something to do with sleep deprivation, but I have felt that anger that you speak of. Right or wrong, I can't help but feel disappointed and sad for my children. I had such an awesome relationship with my grandparents growing up, and it's a beautiful thing! Some people just aren't into the grandparenting thing. My in-laws are in denial I think...they are both trying so hard to be young these days. But one day they are going to look back and wonder why they are alone. The time is NOW to create that bond with their grandchildren, not when they are moody teenagers :)

Anyway, in addition to that stuff, you really need SUPPORT, and to me, that is what family is for. I am sure you don't expect them to be your constant babysitter, but helping you out from time to time would mean alot. I know that my in-laws don't "owe" me anything, but I sure do wish they WANTED to be more involved. I go through phases of being really hurt for awhile, and then I realize that I can't change it and I try not to care for awhile. But in the end, those hurt feelings creep back in. Unfortunately, about the only thing we can do is let them know we want them to be involved and the rest is out of our hands. My husband and I have both told them numerous times that they are welcomed anytime and that we want to be close with them, but nothing ever changes. I'm still trying to learn to let it go.

I guess I really don't have answers for you...just wanted you to know you are not alone. I would recommend finding a church and getting involved in a Sunday School class where you can meet people in your same stage of life. You need some sort of support system. I hope that you have a supportive hubby. Thankfully, I do. Maybe ya'll could discuss the possibility of moving and see if it's do-able. I know it would be an ordeal, but your happiness is worth alot. And family support would be great for you, if you can work out the details of the move, etc.

I am so very sorry that you are feeling so down. I am so with you on this, and I'll be praying for you and your family.

I think you answered your own questions in your writing. You will need to accept that they will not play the role you desire. You cannot change them. But you can change your own perspectives and approach. You will need to in order to find peace. Build your non-blood related family. If you build you community you will find grandparents and cousins for your kids who will form lasting bonds. If you find you have difficulty accepting this, there are several things might help you, including EFT, hypnotherapy, prayer, and more.

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I was there not too long ago! We had 4 kids in 4 years and adopted a nephew (from a seriously troubled home) the 5th year...that's 5 in 5. And it was nuts! We had BOTH our families in close proximity. We loved them all, and they loved us, but they were frankly overwhelmed by the number of little one's. They were afraid they'd offer to take them and something bad would happen and they'd be to blame. The chaos of little ones is just too much for them to handle. I had my kids on schedules and very well trained as far as knowing what the word "no" meant and that they shouldn't touch anything in grandma's house etc...and it was still tough. the only time either of our families have watched all our kids at the same time was when they were older (ages 7 and up). So I totally understand. Leigh R. had great advice. Please listen, she is very wise. I do have a couple of suggestions of things that worked for us. 1st a church is a really good idea. both for the enrichment to you and your hubby's lives and also for the networking potential. When my kids were your kids ages we had a couple of friends from church that were in the same boat as we were. We worked out a babysitting exchange. basically every other weekend we'd swap mom's for a date night. I would go to her house 1st and 3rd weekends and watch her kids on a friday night while my hubby would keep our kids and put them to bed, and then on 2nd and 4th fridays she would come sit for us in the same way. It was amazing! Even if it was just once a month for a short trip for cheap chinese and a walk on the canal or feeding ducks in the park...the break for my husband and I to spend time with each other alone at a time of day when we were both still awake was priceless and the $20 bucks it cost a night was sooo worth it. We are approaching our 21st anniversary and are still loving each other more each year. I think this is because we made our relationship a priority (as much as was possible) when the kids were young.
Best wishes,
K.

This is a hot issue with me, only with my own parents. They live across the country and have never made any effort to come and see us, we always have to fly out there. They haven't met my 16 month old daughter yet. It really fires me up. There is no reason for it, other than sheer laziness.

Anyway, I understand your frustration, but you can't rely on them for help. (not that they are helping anyway.) If you can somehow budget it in, get a mother's helper or babysitter for just a couple hours a day. It isn't their obligation to help you. Again, I really do understand because when my kids have their children, they will have to beat me off with a stick. So your next option is hiring help.

There are so many answers and so I'll keep this short. Maybe the thought of them watching the kids puts them in a worry. Twins and a toddler are a lot of work as you know and they might feel inadequate with the responsibility. I'd invite them over for dinner and once the kids are asleep talk to them about how you are feeling. Maybe get them used to watching the kids when they are asleep at your house and you and husband can go on a date night. Let them know that you are really struggling and would love their help if they can offer it any little bit helps and once they feel comfortable enough they might offer more.

You need a break----it doesn't matter from whom. try to find a young girl in the neighborhood that likes to play with babies. She will want to come over all the time!!! My daughter was 10 when our neighbor had a baby. She was too young to "babysit" alone but she would go over and play with the toddlers, rock the baby....while mom was home. My daughter loved it!!! I was embarrassed that she would go over almost everyday. I felt she may be bothering them. The mom laughed at me and said " I wish she was here even more!!"
My daughter (17 now) still cherishes those kids! Their mom tells me how she loved while my daughter was there.

I had triplets. I had no help. When I got home,my husband went to work. Those shows that have everyone coming out of the woodwork to help out are not real. My mom watched my kids with help from my bros girlfriend when I had an emergency (surgery one time and my husband taking his oath of citizenship another).There were a few other times. My in-laws (MIL lives in another country) could not handle the idea of more than one baby. I would say maybe invite your MIL over for an afternoon. Maybe she could help you out rather than take care of them for you. Otherwise,you might want to consider maybe having a neighborhood teen come over as a mother's helper. It does get easier, though seems to take foreeeeeevvvveeerrrr.
BTW going to church now withthe babies as infants can be extremely overwhelming though I would say when they are 2 or 3 will be much easier and you can create a family. You might want to look up a multiples support group near you for help wioth dealing with the babies. It helped me.

My mom and my in-laws are fantastic. They all live in a different state, but we see them several times a year. I really thought all families were this way. But, sadly, they're not. We are military and so most of my friends live away from family and some will go years without seeing his parents or her parents. That was a surprise to me! The only thing you have control over is the relationship you have with others. You can't force your in-laws to help or care--unfortunately! Do they feel overwhelmed with 3 little kids? Maybe you can help break it up a little...maybe leave her one twin at a time? I know that doesn't help you get time alone, but maybe they need to ease into it. ((HUGS))

While I understand you are disappointed, please remember that your in-laws have a life of their own. They may not feel comfortable dealing with or being around very young children, or children in general. Just because you were once a parent, doesn't necessarily mean you want kids back in your life when your kids grow up and move on.

My MIL is very similar to yours. She's lived within 30 minutes of my family for nearly 12 years and we generally only see her 3-5 times a year. When my sons were babies/toddlers, she didn't do anything with them because she just doesn't like that age, nor can she relate. Yes, she survived her own five kids, but she had no wish to go through it again. When my boys hit the 7-10 range, things picked up and they would take the boys for an overnighter. Now that my boys are 17 and 13, she misses them because they're schedules don't have a lot of time for Grandma. It is what it is and no one got fussy about it. Well, my mom did, but that's only because she wanted to be hyper-involved but we live in another state.

Having said that, though, I will say that MIL is the first one who steps up in a crisis. When my eldest was helicoptered to the hospital for a ski accident, we dropped my youngest off with no gear, no nothing, and she was ready, willing and able to care for him indefinitely (it turned out to be just overnight). When my youngest was seriously struggling in school, she was the one who stepped up and volunteered to home school him, if that's what my husband and I decided was best for our son. Remember, this is the same MIL who we only see 3-5 times a year and didn't really do much with the boys until they were much older. Just because your in-laws don't visit every weekend doesn't necessarily mean they don't love your kids. You don't see your family every day. Do you love them less?

It sounds to me like the lack of sleep is catching up with you. I wouldn't say or do anything on this point until you catch your breath and few, a lot of, extra zzzzzzz's. You may create a situation that is impossible to repair.

Hugs, dear mama. It sounds like you need a few...

You mad at you parents too?

I haven't read all of the responses but I am betting you have gotten a lot of "you can't make them be involved, etc. etc," - but I wanted to chime in and say I know how you feel. I grew up in a large family (my dad is the youngest of 10 kids) and the entire family is very kid-oriented. I always had aunts and uncles and cousins around. Many days one of my grandparents would pick me up from school and many days I'd just go over to one of my grandma and grandpas house just to play.....Well, I live 4 hours away from my hometown and know if my parents were closer my kids would have more of that involvement (in fact just a week ago my parents drove up for a 48 hour visit just to spend a special day with the kids).....my father in law is a widower so I don't have a MIL around and I think if she was there would be more involvement. Unless we call my FIL (who lives maybe 20 minutes away) and specifically ask him to come over he doesn't - nor does he invite us over - we have to invite ourselves over......He is good when he is with the kids but just doesn't take the initiative to be involved. My sister in law (she's in her late 20's) goes in spurts - she'll take the kids here or there from time to time but she's seen the kids once since Christmas (again, she's approx. 20 minutes away). It's take 4 years (my son is 4) for me to accept that my kids aren't going to have the same 'whole family' raising I did and I've finally understood what I had growing up was not the 'norm.' I've wanted so much to move back to my hometown and get push-back from my husband. The only reason I'm not fighting it now is my son goes to a special school which is fantastic and I don't think the small town I'm from would have such a fantastic program......Good luck - I'm sorry for your experience as I can really feel your pain.

i always teasingly serious say to my MIL that once you have 2 kids, no one wants to watch them anymore. my MIL has never watched my kids except 2x when we got taxes done. she never changed them, never fed them, etc. she has bought them things and she did come over every once in a while, not often, though as we went to their house. However, she has watched my 2 nieces. she used to keep one over night all the time. and will still to this day watch them all summer, and on holidays. but if my husband asks her to watch them she says she can't. she goes out to dinner with the others, and only with us if the other is present. we have invited them to dinner. they have never come. and my kids are 6 and 4. so i tell my husband now that when we go to see them they need to feed us since they won't go out to dinner, and i won't ever ask them again to watch the kids. now granted my MIL now at this point has health problems, but she didn't before, and my kids are very self-sufficient. so basically, what i'm saying is, it happens. take a deep breath, let it go. and don't bother with it anymore. unfortunately being a new parent, we can't expect someone to help out. i wish they had government nannies that would come in for the first 3 months and help out, right?

I'm sure it's frustrating that you'd like your in-laws to be more involved, but apparently they're just not that type of people. You really can't make them change. It's ok to keep inviting them to things, maybe one of these times they'll take you up on it. But, it's not their obligation to watch the kids for you. Yes, I'm sure it would be helpful at times I'm sure, but it's not their job. I've never asked my parents to watch our kids or assumed they would. They've offered it though, which is different. Personally, I'd stop worring about the in-laws and find some new friends. Try to meet new people at the park. Put the kids in a wagon or stroller and have fun with them. Go and have a picnic lunch. Many libraries have storytime which is a great place to meet other moms too. Even the mall usually has a play area with other kids and parents. Once the kids are in preschool it makes it easier to meet other parents. If you just need some time to get things done around the house maybe ask a sitter
to come over for an hour or two once in a while so you can keep your sanity. Maybe look on line for a twins group too. You are not alone!

I can see being disappointed as some grandparents are so great about helping. But - not all are and as some have said, these are your children, not theirs. It's really not their responsibility to help you. Unless they were really pushing you to have more kids and making all sorts of promises, this was your and your husband's decision. You can of course not bend over backwards for them too. It may help some of you anger to not go out of your way for them at all either. Otherwise, it's better to think "it'd be nice" if they helped versus "they should" help. They raised their kids so maybe they feel like they're done and if they work all week, they deserve a weekend to relax.

No one helps with my kids and I dont really care because in the end my kids are going to know that I loved them and they were always wanted. You made the choice to have kids and honey its lack of sleep and runny noses and hurting tummys until they move out. You might have post partum depression right now I have three kids 12, 7,5, and the first 4 years is hard hang in there.

We might of judged you to harshly I think that you should talk to your doctor and reach out to somebody to keep your sanity twins are so hard my sister in law had them and my aunt and i know i would be a wreck. I do have sympathy for you situation and I have no one as well its all me for them.

PS TO ALL OF US WHO IS JUMPING DOWN HER THROAT FOR WANTING HELP IT IS SO HARD AND SHE IS REACHING OUT TO US FOR SOME SUPPORT THATS WHY WE JOINED THIS WEBSITE

you can message me anytime I know exactly how you feel..

In an ideal world all families would help each other. Try and hang in there. They won't be little forever. I agree that you need to check out sitter-city and hire someone to come and help from time to time. If you can't afford that, try and find someone you can trade favors with. You could search for other moms in your situation on Craigslist.

You are not alone! My only family is 1 sister & 2 tween nieces. My husbands parents live 1 hour away. Our 3 children never see them even though grandma doesn't work. It's usually once every 2-3 months. She is not hands on at all in fact she likes me to dote on her. She has babysat a hand full of times but it has to be arranged by her schedule.

I was going to be induced (for medical reasons) with my 3rd. I only had 1 day to choose & she said no she couldn't help with the kids that day she had lunch plans with friends, who she seems several times a week already. We told her scheduling surgery doesn't work that way when your 9 months pregnant, she finally agreed but then I went into labor so we didn't need her.

The best is when I was having surgery to remove a fibroid tumor. The day I got home from surgery, she picked a fight with my husband on purpose & walked out the next morning when my husband was leaving for work. He had to stay home & we had to make other arrangements. She finally came back to watch my then 2 yr old, 4yr old & 5 yr old. But while I was sleeping she would have the kids wake me up so she could rest or go for a walk by herself for fresh air.

Church has been good for our family. It's healthy to go to church EVEN if you had involved inlaws, so I strongly encourage it either way.

It's hard not to be upset with the situation but don't let it consume your life with anger/resentment. These are your children & your life & NEVER let anyone take away your happiness due to their selfishness.

Well, you are not alone. There are a lot of in-laws who not involved with their grandkids lives. I, like you, spent a lot of time being very upset over this same issue. But you seem a tad smarter than me in that you are picking up on the pattern sooner.

How sad for you and your kids that you don't have more willingly active family members surrounding you and loving on your kids. But since you don't, YES, for sure join a local church or mom's group where you can connect with other people who value family. If that doesn't provide what you are looking for, then moving closer to your supportive and loving family sounds like a reasonable plan.

Unfortunate as it is, it's a good thing you recognize their inability or unwillingness to connect with their grandkids now. That is their loss in the long run. But you need to move on and fulfill those needs elsewhere.

Join a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group. The women there are very helpful and supportive. Not only do you get a break from kids when they go to nursery. You get time with some amazing women. Go to mops.org and find one near you. Not only will you get refreshed your children will hear about God as well. Most groups are held at a church you my even consider starting to go to that church as well. Wishing you all the best.

Added: I read some of the posts and one of the answers suggested that you wait until your kids are 2 or 3 before going to church as it could be overwhelming for you. I don't suggest you do that. If you find the right church, you'll have a great children's program where you can drop the kids off while you go to church (which can be amazingly refreshing). Also, if you're not comfortable leaving your kids with others, most larger churches have "cry" or "family" rooms where you can go and listen to the sermon and have your kids with you. I've made a personal decision to keep my twins with me until they're 6 months old to get through flu season and also to give them some time to adjust to life. Just don't wait...this could be a great opportunity to get some relief and spiritual growth.

I'm sorry your in-laws are distant. We moved to Phoenix 5 years ago, prior to kids and the only people we knew were my in-laws. My advice to you is to get involved, heavily involved, with a church. In the 3 years we've been going to the Vineyard, we've developed life-long friendships with several couples, not mention the countless others who we've met and become good friends with. I would suggest that you not only start going to church, but start attending a small group, bible study or some other small gathering where you can get to know people on a personal level. It's hard to get to know people just attending church on Sundays. We've received so much help from our church family. We have a 4 year old and 5 month old twins and our friends from church provided several weeks worth of food after the boys were born, they watch my boys for free, if needed and I get the benefit of talking to other adults during the day on a regular basis :)
Another option is to find a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) group near you. Similar to a small group, you'll get to connect with other women who have the same interests and have kids the same age for yours to play with.
I wish the best for you in your endeavor and hope you find some much needed close friendships for you here.

P.S. If you're in the Glendale area and want a recommendation on a church, you should try our church, Vineyard North Phoenix, its' at 63rd Ave and Peoria Ave.

My MIL lives in MN. We call her on Sundays.
I have 4 kids and my hubby was deployed for most of their lives.

So pretend she lives in MN. Call her on Sundays. Ask when it would be convenient for her to come and see you and the kids. Make a deal out of it then pretend she went back to MN.

Live your life and let them be. When your kids are older and don;t want to have anyhting to do with Grandma that will be Grandma's loss. It's sad but hopefully your mom has stepped up.

I'm sorry they have to behave like this.

Hi,
Your children are your responsibility and you should not expect anyone to help with them. If you want MIL to be around your kids invite her not to watch your kids but to spend time with your family or drive to their house and take your own toys and kids stuff... so everybody will have some fun time.

Are you angry that they don't want to help out, or are you angry that they don't seem to have any interest in their grandkids? If it is because they don't want to help out... well they have raised their kids. Maybe they feel that they don't need to be involved in raising your kids. If you are angry because they don't seem to have any interest in them... Have you tried inviting them over for dinner or something? Maybe they don't feel right just "dropping in" and want that invitation so they do not feel like they are intruding.

If you need help because you are just too overwhelmed, could you afford to hire some? Maybe have a local teenager come over a day or two each week (after school or on weekends.) S/He could maybe entertain the toddler while you are handling the twins.

I am able to empathize. My in-laws are no longer able to "assist" us with our son. (Both have dementia and are in assisted living and have been for a couple of years.) My mom passed away before our son was born. My dad will watch him from time to time, but not very often. I am rather envious of some of our friends (and others) as their children are with grandma & grandpa quite often. However, I feel lucky that my son is still able to see them and have a relationship with them.

I'm sure it's frustrating that you'd like your in-laws to be more involved, but apparently they're just not that type of people. You really can't make them change. It's ok to keep inviting them to things, maybe one of these times they'll take you up on it. But, it's not their obligation to watch the kids for you. Yes, I'm sure it would be helpful at times I'm sure, but it's not their job. I've never asked my parents to watch our kids or assumed they would. They've offered it though, which is different.

If you could, you might try bringing up the subject like, "We wish we could all see you more often; we want the kids to grow up being close to you". I don't get the impression that you are trying to pawn off childcare onto your inlaws, just that you would like to know that your children are important in their lives and for them to express an interest in seeing them. Invite them over while all the while sweetly telling them how nice it is that you all live close enough to see each other often. Some grandparents are just not that hands-on.....my inlaws are that way as well but they do still love their grandchildren, I wouldn't question that the love they have for your children either. You are sleep deprived and it is going to be difficult for you to look at things in an unbiased way right now. Please remember these hard days are temporary and that you WILL get through them.

First, to the more important issue at hand: you want your children to have family. I understand that 100%. My relationship with my adopted dad is very weirdly stressed since he left our family for his secretary with TWO DAYS NOTICE, stole our college money to buy her a ranch (basically hiding money in her name so mom, who was caring for us, couldn't get it, and putting it in something he could claim as a loss in taxes), and now he's got a spoiled rotten (ROTTEN) 8 year old daughter with the homewrecker. We try. But not too much. Also, my husband despises him and doesn't want him having input in the boys' lives. My bio dad lives in Germany. My mom is awesome, but an agoraphobic who won't come visit us even when we offer free plane trips, a cruise with a spa day, week's worth of clothes, and her own suite (seriously), and my fil is wonderful but passed away when my oldest was 18 months old and my mil is wonderful but lives in england and has alzheimers. *whew!
What I would suggest is this: number 1, realize what everyone here has said is true about them being older, and just not up for the WORK and the ENERGY LEVELS that 3 very young children are. Thank God she is honest and doesn't cave in, only to not be able to care for them properly. That's some heavy work there, especially for 2 older people who work all week. Number 2: they will have a relationship with their grandparents, more than likely it will be a better relationship when they get older but even if not, it is the relationship it is going to be....nothing to do about that. You can't force chemistry and love. Number 3: Skype is a beautiful thing!!! We have skype dates with my brother and his baby and my baby are "friends" via the computer. They love looking at each other and babbling. We skype with my mom who truly adores the boys and they do have a sweet relationship even if it's not close and physical like mine was with my grandma. They bond when they do see each other, mostly over gardening (or playing in the dirt) and watching the ships (things mom feels safe doing). We skype every other week with my mil and my bio dad, so that not only do we SEE family members on the other side of the world, but the boys get to put face and voice together and the adults get to watch the boys grow up. I got an idea from family fun magazine a couple years ago and made "Family Bingo" with photos of important family members I wanted the boys to have a little knowing about, even if they don't see (because we live nowhere near anyone)....and included my closest friends who are their "aunties". Made the grid, put photos in the squares, laminated them all. Number 4: you might want to talk to your ob about your emotions. While not unfounded, you want to do a check to make sure everything's ok. No shame at all in that.

Well, they are your children and the responsibility to manage your household falls squarely on you and your husband. "Teamwork" comes to mind. As for your in-laws lack of involvement consider yourself lucky. Also, you have to receive the cue in the proper light. They simply don't want to involve themselves to satisfy your expectations. It seems like your husband is hands-off and leaving it up to you to figure out. What's his role in relieving your stress? I am now a single mom and I know how challenging it can be managing one child, the house, and myself, so I can only imagine what it must be like with three children. Think about hiring a sitter. Before you do that, I think you should sit with your husband and write a weekly, monthly plan using a calendar format and factor in family time, your time, his time, and together (just the two of you) time. Consider it. In the meantime, try to be patient and stop expecting your in-laws to rescue you especially if it's not what they want to do. :o)

You know what? My parents both work full time jobs and have only weekends to themselves. My in-laws are elderly, and my FIL is frail and was just placed in a rest home. I have three children. I felt lucky that my MIL babysat for me for my first daughter's first two years of life.

But I don't EXPECT my parents or in-laws or anyone else to help me out with my kids. I'm not entitled to their help. Neither are you. Hire a babysitter on the weekends. Your parents and in-laws probably need to relax as much as you do, so let visits with them be just that... visits... so that they can enjoy your children and just be grandparents and not babysitters. Your parents/in-laws are not free labor that you're entitled to.

if they arnt up for it u cant force it and shouldnt. if you think your family would be more involved, then look into moving there.

i am quite sure you need a break! look into hiring a professional babysitter for a night, but u cannot Expect ur inlaws or anyone to do this. that is not fair.

The sad fact is that you cannot make these people want to be active participants in your children's lives. They either do or they don't and if they don't, as sad as that is for everyone involved, that is their prerogative.

You may just ask her if there is any reason that they don't seem to want to be involved. Maybe there is something going on that you are not aware of and/or changes that can be made so that they would be more involved?

Good luck!

I would start working on your husband to move. Being near family is incredibly important, it's not her obligation to be involved with the children but if its all the same to her, then you should be where you can get support--or get some money together to fly your parents out to help for awhile.

Also, church is helpful. I highly recommend getting involved somewhere nearby.

.

Hi C.,

I'm sorry you're so stressed - and that some on this board feel the need to continue to beat you down. Helpful.

I'm not a very confrontational person face to face (even though I vent pretty badly to my husband) so I try to figure out ways to make a point in the most conversational, positive way I can if/when I need to finally address an issue.

If I were you, I would address this casually from the angle of expressing your desire to have the kids get to know their grandparents - not about expecting their help. Maybe the next time you get together, mention how nice it is to see them and that you'd love the opportunity more often, especially because you know how much the kids enjoy seeing their grandparents. IF they are steering clear to respect your privacy and/or parenting, this might open the door for them to feel welcome to get a bit more involved.

Whatever ends up happening with your in-laws, I would definitely recommend getting involved with a church. In addition to the social outlet and spiritual renewal, you'll be instantly networked with invaluable resources: other moms / kids, activities for your family, connections and recommendations for childcare, counseling resources, and support.

Hang in there, mama. I hope things look up soon. In the meantime, try to rest when you can and be sure to stave off Post-Partum Depression by getting adequate nutrition, especially iron, B vitamins and folic acid.

Hugs

Dear mom, moving is hard too. You would need to find new jobs, and the current house you have, if you own it, will need to be sold or rented, then find new home in new place. This is a lot of work. I would suggest you talk about this honestly with your husband and if ok with him, bring it up to your in-laws. As far as lack of sleep, I would recommend you bring your kidsto your bed, speci"ly if you are breastfeeding.
Good luck!

hey C.,

i know EXACTLY how you feel. the only difference between your situation and mine is that it is MY parents who couldn't be more disinterested in my darling son. he is 9 1/2 now, and i have come to terms with things but the anger can flare up at times, as well as the resentment. i even overheard my mother say that i am "JUST mad because she isn't "that kind" of a grandmother. "that kind?" what does that even mean. the kind that actually takes an interest in a person who in my opinion, biased as it may be, is the most spectacular boy on the planet? there is that anger flashing in me again. the bottom line for me is that it truly is their loss, we have found other resources to compesate for the neglect and in some ways, i think, he is probably better off because she probably wouldn't do a very thorough job at caring for him anyway and i would worry if he was in her care. the church idea is a good one. my son goes to a private school with a wonderful parent network which helps us. give yourself some time and feel your feelings but remember that this is about what is best for your kids and not about meeting any other agendas right now.

I wish I could make you feel better. My own mother, who lived really pretty close, never helped me in my entire lifetime of raising my children who are now 26 and 20. She never chopped a carrot with me, she never shopped with me, she never came over and helped me pick up anything and she never babysat. It hurts and hurts. I am amazed that I was given a mother like this. I will never be like that. I only hope my daughter in law, once she has children if she/they I have two sons, one is married, if there are children I want to be very involved. I have had to adopt people over the years and believe me I think that is a wonderful thing as hurtful as it is. My mother is older now, will not know the experience of being with grandchildren, didn't want to (always lived fairly close except for a brief move) and to this day I do not understand it. Her apparent explanation was that she already did it. I cannot fathom or understand people like this. It is sad. Wish I could say more. Wish I could be there to help you. As it is, I send you love and prayers. HUGS.