MIL Opinions

My kid could be 16 and I would still make them wear a helmet when riding a bike, it's not about the law, it' about safety.

Nope, if I truly had my way, my son would spend his life in a bubble with a GPS chip in his shoulder. :)

You've gotten excellent responses, and I agree completely that you are doing the right thing. This is a very different world than what MIL raised her children in.

I would suggest going one step further. Next time she makes a snide remark or criticism, I would stop completely, focus my full attention on her, and very clearly and kindly ask her why it bothers her so much that you are protecting your child. After all, she is also her son's child and her granddaughter. If she responds that she just thinks you are overprotective (or whatever), I would still stay calm and kind, but I would be firm in saying, "I appreciate your opinion and I don't mind your input, but not as criticism and not in front of my children. Let's go out for coffee and talk over our different opinions. Otherwise, I need you to accept the fact that hubby and I are the parents of this child, and we are very clear about what is acceptable for her. Our choices are very much in line with what most responsible parents are doing, and even if they weren't, I still feel very confident that we are setting the right boundaries for our child, to keep her appropriately safe." You have to seem almost disinterested in the conversation to make this work! Like you are so sure you're right, you're not really even interested or bothered by any other opinion. That's really hard to do in MIL situations! :)

Sometimes, when you very nicely put an interfering person's back up against the wall, they will really squirm! If they can't get back at you for being ugly (you're staying friendly and calm), they will have to defend their position, rather than continuing to attack you. And if you make an offer to take the discussion in private, she loses her other purpose, which is to criticize and belittle you in front of others. Good luck!

Girl ,, hell no this is your child you do what you think is best.. Does she support her? NONONO. she is yours .. You had her you are raising her and your mil is nobody to tell you other wise..

These relatives are always going to have a say so in everything we do.. But when it comes down to it no matter what you have the last word..

S.

C.,

You are the parent. You are entitled to raise your daughter how you and your husband see fit. You are concerned for your daughter's safety and you are a wise parent to be concerned and enforce the helmet rule.

You voiced your opinion several times in your MIL's presence. The fact that she kept bringing it up with or without others around was disrespectful and dishonoring to you. I feel you were well within your right to stand up and say what you did.

Thanks for sharing,
A. H.

I agree with your husband. Ignore your MIL. I worked for a Police Dept. in the metroplex and you would be horrified to know what goes on in your child's age group. If you haven't met a new playmate it is irresponsible to walk away and assume your daughter is safe. I don't think you have to instill "fear" in your daughter to keep her safe, however your daughter does need to be aware of her surroundings and as a responsible parent, it's your job to keep her as safe as you can. There is a place and time for everything. God intrusted your daughter to you, go with your gut.

Helmets are needed no matter what. Work a few days in the ER and your MIL would change her mind. Besides the fact I think it was very good for your daughter to know the rules are the rules, period. You set a good example for her. If she has one set of rules in one place and another somewhere else, that's not good.

Just my 2 cents!
L.

In Baby 101, the main rule to remember at all times....is the baby safe? If you hover over things that are not necessarily a 'safety' issue, then maybe, but you have to live with the decisions you make and if you had let her go and something happened, you would never forgive yourself. Accidents do happen, but we are responsible to minimize the damage if possible. I give you kudos for standing up for what you feel is right...sometimes people get offended when you believe differently because in essence you may be saying you disagree with the choices they have made. I am not saying that is the case, but I have had family react this way to something that was of none of their concern, but because we chose to take a more cautious way, they were personally offended....like you said...WHATEVER.

First, let me say you are to be commended for taking the time with your child as you do. So many parents of the 'sandwich' generation are so involved in their own activities in life, the children are just that... sandwiched into their lives. I think you are doing great by insisting on safety rules. You are exactly right in that things have changed so much since she had children; you can not assume everything will be ok just because it was ok for you, or her, as a child. Bicycle helmet safety has become a really big safety issue for me to the point I have become involved in a program that gives them away free to children in the community. We lost a very dear child who was riding a bicycle without a helmet and Ive never been the same since. My 20 yr old son rides his bicycle with a helmet, even to this day! As for your MIL, I had to deal with the same 'advice' giving MIL; I just used my own heart to determine if what she told me was worth keeping and practicing, or letting it go. My husband was very supportive, as it seems your husband is also. If it goes against how you feel is the way want to raise your daughter, ignore it. It is hard, at times, to sit there and nod at her and then let it go out the other ear. But there is never an excuse for her to go against you when it concerns a safety issue. Hang in there and your daughter will live to see her children riding bicycles with helmets too (or space toys?) :) Best wishes!

You need to do what you think is right. I wouldn't have let my daughter ride without her helmet. It is not your MIL's daughter. She's yours. MIL's tend to want to spoil and let the grandkids do what they want without always thinking of their safety. You need to weigh each issue separately. If you see yourself being to smothering back off a little, but I don't think their is anything wrong with wanting to protect your child. Good for you for standing up to her.

I think that if you feel strongly about something you shouldn't let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. No one is going to protect your child like you are. Some of the things you do may seem "smothering" to others, but ultimitly it is between you and your husband how you raise your daughter. Times are different. I am very careful with my children. My family think the same way of me. I just tell them that my number one job is the protection of my children. I may not make all the right choices but at least I know if something should happen that it wasn't because I was lax in my job as a mother. As long as you let your daughter have a life outside of your home to some extent then that is all she really needs at nine. I see no problem with wanting to at least talk to someone before you let your little girl go play at their house. Helmets are a must too. There is a reason why there are helmet laws in most places. I think you definitely have the right outlook on things. I wish more moms looked at it the way you do.

I think you need to maintain consistent rules... and a helmet when riding a bicycle is a GOOD rule to follow. You are right... it his HER SKULL you are "responsible" to care for. When safety is concerned, you must follow your instincts.. and again, be consistent with your children. If you gave in, then how do you explain that she needs to wear her helmet at home, when it was okay not to at grandma's house? Don't even open that can of worms. Ignore your MIL. I'm sure she means well, but you are the mother. Good luck.

I think you were in the right as well - I couple of factors that you may have considered in making your decision are (a) how confident a bike rider is your daughter (b) what's the age difference bewteen the girls -is your daughter the same size - would the bike fit her wll - (c) is she familiar with the style of bike (d) where would they be riding - ie street vs park (e) level of supervision. In the absence of risk reducing answers to each one of these questions - then the answer had to be 'no'.

Basically - go with your gut - it rarely lets you down.

My 14 year old nephew was riding his bike with a friend two and a half years ago, turned around to tell her something, lost control and fell. He fell in the street, a car hit him and he died. A helmet "might" have saved him, he would have been hurt pretty bad, but he died of brain injuries.
Don't let anyone talk you out of what your instinct is telling you to do!

I totally agree with all of the other mamas in this. To add some more input to it, sometimes (most of the time!) it's best for you to ignore advice from inlaws and to forget about it rather than worry about what they think or say. In the past, my MIL's opinions have been very hurtful, so I've learned for my own sanity to NOT regard her opinions and to ignore most of what she says. Having a close relationship with her is not an option for me, and her opinions are hers to keep!

To each parent their own. I would just ignore your MIL. There are to many people around in this world that harm children. If you and your spouse feel you are doing what is right for your child then so be it. Better to be safe then sorry. You alone will know when you want to let your daughter have some freedom. Not your MIL. God love them but it is a completely different world now than it was say 20 to 40 years ago. Hope this helps you keep your mind where you want it to be about your daughter, don't let anyone change your mind or second guess your decisions.

You did the right thing in this case. You were visiting and didn't know the neighbors and were right to provide adult supervision. We also have the helmet rule and yes, many kids in our neighborhood ride without helmets and I cringe at the thought! My dgtr knows that it is a non-negotiable and we no longer even here any whining about wearing the helmet. You MIL raised children before such safety measures were the norm, does she also try to talk you into letting the kids ride in a car without fastening thier seatbelts? If not, use this as a benchmark for safety rules that you expect your children to abide by. As for playing with the neighbor child, when you don't know the children or their parents, it is your duty as your childs advocate to monitor and make sure the kids will be compatible. If your MIL had known the child or parents and the invitation to play had been extended by one of the parents, I could see allowing your dghtr to play without your or your husbands attendance, that doesn't sound like the case you were dealing with, so you handled it properly. Now, if you attend all of her playdates in your neighborhood with families you know, that is hovering and being overprotective. It is important for children to feel independent and capable. My dgtr (also 9) often rides her bike to a neighbors home, she is responsible for calling us when she gets there so we know she's okay, but I give her that freedom.
I hope you and your MIL can work this out. Your husband can and should speak up for you if she is undermining your parenting. He should point out that you are raising her grandchildren and doing whatever you need to do to be sure they are safe and healthy. What Grandmother doesn't want that for her grandbabies? Good luck, your story makes me thank the lord above for my MIL, she is an angel!

Bottom line -- you're the parent and you have to live with the consequences. Yeah kids wear helmets today, but you know what? They also get fewer severe head injuries when they do. I knew a girl who in high school rode without a helmet (like everyone else) and fell, hit her head and ended up out an entire semester due to brain injury and surgery. It was a really silly fall and at a very low speed (she was stopping), but it really messed up her brain. This was over 20 years ago before helmet laws. A quick Google search led me to this: http://www.helmets.org/stats.htm

Yeah, you may raise your daughter differently than your mil, but guess what, that's her problem. She had her chance and now you have yours. It is a different era. We know more about some things and make different choices as a result (ie helmets). You're just trying to make the best decision for your child given what you know. If she doesn't like it, or gives you lip, I say just let it roll off your back. My guess is, if she were born 20-40 years later, she'd do the same as you.

I think you handled it well... if she's gonna keep on like that, she had what was coming to her. just blow her off and try to forget about it. if you dwell on it, then the next time she opens her mouth you might explode. use caution. what i used to do us just say, "well, it's my daughter..not yours. what i say goes." it's kind of childish, but they might leave you alone after a while...maybe.

Here is my two cents...MIL's like to be up in everyone's business. They can't seem to let go of their "little boys" and feel the need to offer unending, unsolicited and unwanted advice on a myriad of topics. Parenting is the one topic that I feel VERY strongly about and I stand up for myself. Unlike your husband who has advised you to "ignore" her commentary on your parenting decisions, I STRONGLY advise against that. My MIL started with the parenting advice the second my first son was born and for almost 3 years I ignored her constant "advice" (really criticism). It then became a CONSTANT barage of nasty remarks and comments until I personally had just had enough. The more I ignored her, the more cutting and louder and more frequent the criticism came. My advice to you is to stand up for yourself politely, calmly, but FIRMLY. Tell your MIL that she had her turn to raise her children and now you have yours. I would also add that times have changed and the world has changed. PArents are working with better and more accurate information today than they were 40 years ago. You have to be vigilant as a parent...your neighbor may be a child molestor, there are kidnappings everyday, carjackings, etc. If she can't appreciate that then I would just tell her that you aren't really seeking advice on parenting right now, but that you will let her know when you are. Her opinion is just that...an opinion. I think you are doing the right thing. By the way, MIL's love to "offer" advise in a less than pleasant way when their sons are nowhere to be seen because they feel very powerful in the fact that you won't stand strong. I finally had it out with my MIL this past March. Although I regret the way I said some things to her, I have NO regrets that I said them. I reached my breaking point and I had told my husband a few weeks before that I was on the verge of strangling her! He chose to not deal with it and I overheard her bashing me to my husband about EVERYTHING that I do that she believes is wrong, and I had enough. I told her that I heard everything that she said and I did not appreciate her constant criticism and that I thought her behavior was toxic to our family. I likewise told her that if she can not say nice things in our house about me, then leave. I am not going to have my children hear my MIL bash me. Needless to say, things have been strained, but quite honestly, they were strained before. STAND UP FOR YOUSELF AND YOUR FAMILY! Don't be intimidated or bullied by your MIL. Good luck!

This is strictly another opinion, but I have always felt I was raised by over protective parents until I became a parent myself. Now, looking back I realize they were all about safety and I plan to continue to be as well. My daughter is only two, but I plan to follow in your footsteps. I also plan to NEVER question my instincts when it comes to SAFETY. I too have a very opinionated MIL, and am sure I will be encountering what you are currently going through soon enough. My one piece of advice is to continue to trust your gut. Safety is not the place to feel over protective.

I don't think you are hovering. She is 9 and she is a girl. Anything can happen to her if you let her outside by herself or ride a bike w/o a helmet. I have a 9 year old and he only goes outside when his 13 year old brother is with him. Other than that, he doesn't go alone.

Bottom line, that is YOUR child. Your MIL is entitled to her opinion but that doesn't mean you have to do what she suggests. You and your husband will let go when you get ready. If she gets out of control, let your husband explain it to her. I think you handled the situaton well.

Hi C.,
You are absolutely right in your choice. You are responible for that child and her safety. Do as your husband suggests (It IS his mother!) and ignore her. She now knows your feelings and it is up to her to deal with it. I made my son wear a helment riding, shin and knee pads boarding, etc. etc. He is now 17 and still in one peice and never a broken bone! Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Keep the peace of God in Your Heart!
Char

I think you are doing the right thing...after all, just as you stated, you are responsible for your daughter and her safety and well-being. I'd rather be accused of being over-protective then be accused of being under-protective. As far as your MIL goes...at some point she may need to be confronted if she keeps undermining your authority, preferably by your DH, where he could simply remind her that he and you are your DD's parents and what you say goes, he should state to your MIL that she needs to respect your decisions and abide by them or visits will be less & less frequent. BTW, there is a reason someone invented safety helmets and it is to protect our childrens little heads, so why not take the extra precautions that are now available to us. I hope it all works out and may God bless you all.

I think your responses to your daughter were right on. I agree that balance is key, but we also are dealing with a lot of crazy people in the world - so certainly...being aware of what they do is right! And elderly lady gave me the best advice right before I got married. She said (in dealing with mouth-y people - including in-laws), "Smile, nod your head and then do your own thing!"

Hi C.,

I agree with all the other mamas. My husband and I along with some friends had the same conversation Sunday about when we were growing up and now. Things have changed and it's a shame that our kids can't do the same things we did. But it's just not the same. We are trying to balance as well with our eight year old daughter. Sure you don't want your kids to be sheltered. But safety is important and good decision making is vital in rearing kids these days. Our parents tend to think they know best, so we are faced with challenges from moms and MIL. Don't be intimidated by anyone about your decisions for your kids. They don't come with instructions so we do the best we can at the time. Your kids will thank you when they become parents for the values you and your husband instill in them. Being a parent is "on the job training". God Bless you and your family!! Lift your MIL up in prayer and let God handle her.

F.

Stand your ground! I have a MIL who is exactly the same way only not as nice as yours! She's always critizing and saying I baby my son because I don't back hand him and whip him with coat hangers like she did her boys. To which I want to say, "Hello??? I love my child."

I've learned in the last 5 years my son has been alive (and even when I was prego) that I am not accountable to her -- only to my child.

Luckily we live 2 hours away from her and she never visits and with my hubby's work schedule we don't get to very often! lol

Best of Luck!

Bravo for you for standing your ground! You are the parent here, and she is only 9 and doesn't know what is good for her which is why you are there. Next thing, she'll be telling you to let her ride in a car w/o a seatbelt! And don't let her make you feel guilty! You did the absolute right thing -- you looked out for your child. My daughters, ages 13, and 9, sometimes do the same things. Until they are adults, mine and my husband's words are the law . . . no the aunts, grandparents, etc. I have always made that clear to my relatives. Bravo!

I'm 48 and when I was young, we were allowed to play in the yard unattended and to roam the neighborhood as long as we checked in from time to time. My parents would leave we three kids in the car while they went in to shop. But times they have changed! Children get stolen/kidnapped when parents turn their heads for five minutes. Cars get stolen with kids inside. I have twins and until they were almost 4 I was afraid to take them to the park alone because I could not watch both of them enough to keep them safe. Am I overprotective? I think not. Talk to any police department and ask them their opinion. And riding without a helmet? There's a reason there's a law about it. But bottom line, you are the parent and you are the one that must make the decisions. I think your H is right in that you should try not to get into with your MIL because it probably just will not help. What's really going on here is a battle over who gets to make the rules. Unless your MIL gets too bad, I would just leave it alone, but make sure you are always firm with your children that you are the one who makes the rules, no matter where you are. If MIL gets too bad, then you simply remove the children from her presence until she can assure you that she will keep her thoughts to herself, at least in front of the children. good luck!

We all do what we can to be protective of our children. U are teaching her to be responsible when you are not around. How is that wrong. We all have to let our children flap their own wings per say. And everyday we let them try alittle harder than the day before.
Everyone has an opinion on how we are to raise our kids. Especially in laws.
We do live in a very different world. And we have to adapt. So do what you feel is right and let what others say soak in and think about it and then adjust if it has affected you. Or ignore it.
Good luck... keep your chin up...

MIL's will be MIL's they know it all, they did it all, and you will never be as good as what's her name he almost married, or as good a mother as she is. Get used to it, be the mother you want to be and ignore her, or she will burn an ulcer in your soul!! After twelve years, two kids, I am the most ignorant stupid mother God put on this planet! Thank God my hubby likes my kind of stupid, cuz we do just fine, and after the first five years of him telling me to ignore her, I finally listened, and now I don't feel so bad anymore!
You are a good mom, times have changes, listen to hubby!

Oh please..does your MIL not watch the news these days? Crime is WAY UP since her days of being a kid. Women, not just girls, are being killed, kidnapped, raped, etc almost every second. Kids are literally being taken out of their own yards now.

You are not hovering but protecting the blessing God gave you. I do the same thing with my kids though it is my husband who tells me I need to let go a little bit but if I can't hear my kids outside playing I get worried that they will be hurt or worse.

You have to be protective these days and you MIL needs to wake up to what is really out there these days.

J. S.

You are her Mother! It really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks except you and your husband. She needs to be put in her place and I think your husband needs to do that. I would ignore it the 1st time she says something but she seems to just be a broken record and is making you have to keep saying things and I find that uncomfortable. Nobody knows better how to raise your daughter. Dont let anyone question your parenting skills! Good luck!

C.,
If you have a bad feeling or have an opinion and you want your child to do or not do something that is between you and your husband!!!! There are several kids that don't ride helmets w/bikes, but if you don't want your child to be one of them nobody should make you feel bad! You are just looking out for her safety......I would have gone in the frontyard w/my dd had some kid I had never met wanted to play w/her....this is your child....you can't be too cautious when it comes to your child....I am 27 and I know that times are sooo different from what my own parents experienced w/me!! I think you did the right thing...let her know your opinion.....makes me kinda scared for how she does things when you are not around....reminds me of my MIL....I rarely leave my child in her care b/c she has such different opinions about safety, food, etc....this woman had her chance to do things the way she wanted to w/her children....it's your turn...trust your gut!! Good luck!

I'm sorry but I don't see how having safety rules that aren't meant to be broken... even if you're away from home, somewhere that the rules aren't enforced by the law... is "hovering". Hovering is well, what it says. You're constantly over your child making sure he/she makes the right choices and doesn't get hurt. That can be bad because they learn best from those wrong choices often, even though it's hard to watch them make them. Safety rules and hovering are different- I don't understand why she said that, even. Maybe she saw something that you didn't mention.

IMO, you're doing fine. The helmet is a judgment call, and you're comfortable with yours. And I don't let my kiddos go play with kids we don't know (and just as important, parents we don't know) without some face time and getting to know them. I think your MIL must have been related to mine....