MIL Won't Listen

I'm going to say in advance that you will probably not like my answer.

I think you are blaming your MIL for all normal childhood issues. Whether your 'baby' was with her or anyone else, I think you are being excessively controlling about napping and eating issues while you are away.

Eating and sleeping issues abound....just look at this site, whether it's SAHM or daycare or MIL watching over. The same questions resurface daily here.

She did raise the man you married, right? Are you OK with how he turned out or do you want to change everything about him?

I vote you allow her to have her own rhythm and relationship and rules with your child. I would never watch someone else's child with all those specifics to follow.

I recommend you put him to bed later, say 8pm at the earliest. How do you and dad have any time with him if he's in bed by 7 and you work? When does he see you? 12 hours in bed is a really long time.

There is no 16 month old who will sit and be focused on just dinner. He is going to be distracted no matter what is going on at lunch time. My kids watch tv at breakfast and lunch...but dinner is just family with no distractions...but they are older...16 months he will need to to help keep him on track eating and then keep some things to entertain him ready on the table for when he is done...if you want him to continue to sit at the table with you.

I use the tv at breakfast and lunch to keep my kids distracted so i can get a few things done...packing lunches, cleaning up the kitchen, and other stuff. Plus I like the noise...

Bedtime (damn!! your son is sleeping for 12+ hours...WOW!!) that is all I can say a twelve plus hours night and most days two two hour naps...hot damn...my son never slept and stopped napping altogether at 16 months and 7 or so hours a night was typical. I was so sleep deprived...maybe push his bedtime back a bit if he isn't sleepy at 7pm wait until 8pm...

If these are your only 2 issues with your MIL...then maybe you could cut her some slack...his issues sound pretty typical...and if he wants to nap then he probably needs the nap.

Hey mama,

I didn't read the other responses so I will just be blunt. You are just gonna have to learn to suck it up when it comes to having your mil care for your son. The laptop thing is not a big deal--so just drop it, not a reason to start a fight over. Your son is totally capable of learning that things are different when grandmas around then when you are around, trust me. As to the sleeping issues, I do think he is probably ready to drop the morning nap, but sleep training and nap schedules are not something everyone is good at doing. I would try and sit down and have a chat with her about how important this is to you. Would she be open to reading anything? Maybe healthy sleep habits, happy child? This way she may feel the advice is coming from an "expert" and not just her bossy DIL =) Also, I noticed that you said your son goes down at 7pm and that does seem a bit early--try pushing that back to 8pm maybe. If MIL is not receptive to your requests than you really only have two choices. 1--find a daycare/sitter that does nap schedules 2--suck it up and let it go. Having family do anything for you, especially something like childcare, is a trade-off. She gives your son love, attention, and great care during the day--you lay off her way of doing things. It is what it is and instead of driving a wedge between the two of you over nap schedules and tv, learn to live with your decision for better or worse. I really do wish you the best.

I have a question.. How do you know the bedtime issues are because of her giving him a nap? Or the dinner issues are because of her letting him watch the laptop during lunch? Has he told you? Are you sure you're not guilty of blaming her for issues that come up?

I'm just pointing out - if you take a step back and read the questions here lots of people have bedtime issues and feeding issues. I personally have a son that eats dinner great but gives me a hell of a time at lunch. I'm a SAHM - so I know its not being served differently. I'm just pointing out that you might be unfairly using her as a scapegoat for normal issues that come up in raising a child.

I can also say, as a SAHM, that keeping a tired child up is miserable. Tantrums, moodiness, etc. I don't think it's fair to tell her you want your evenings easier so she should have to put up with a moody/overtired kid. Maybe you can work a compromise - as some people have suggested. As her to shorten the naps? So he gets refreshed but doesn't sleep as long. But again, the naps might have nothing to do with your nighttime troubles.

Do you pay your MIL? If she's doing this as a favor (free or severely discounted) I think that should be considered as well. If you want everything done your way and more control -- pay a sitter that will agree to doing it your way, or find a nursery that you agree with their set up.

I am giving you the same advice I've had to give myself. I have four kids ranging from just under 3 weeks to 6 years old. My parents take my kids a few hours once a week (not the newborn). They let them watch more TV, give them cookies/ice cream, and tons of other rules of mine they don't enforce. Sometimes it DOES drive me nuts... but kids understand that different people have different rules and Grandma/Grandmpa allowing something is NO excuse for breaking my rules. And I accept that getting help from family means being flexible... unless it's something that will actually harm the kids, I pick my battles.

I hope it works out for you.

I am blessed to have your exact same child care situation, in that my MIL watches my son and daughter during the day.

The computer stuff at lunch I totally wouldn't worry about. If its just songs, I feel like its not much different than the radio. Stop comparing your son to your nephew. They are completely different children with completely different parents. He will learn to sit still at dinner, but probably not until he's about 4 years old.

Regarding the naps, try to give her a cut-off time. Ask her not to put him down after 3p. He's in that age range where some days he'll need two naps, some days only 1. My daughter was the same way. If he needs two naps, fine, just as long as he's in the crib before 3pm. Remember, she is with him all day, and if he's acting really tired, she probably feels bad keeping him awake. If he's really not sleepy, he won't nap!

I will also say that my husband is the one who delivers the "don't let her have a soft pretzel at 5pm" kind of requests.

Regarding the person who said your son will be more attached to your MIL than you: not likely. There is plenty of research out there that shows the more close relationships a child has, the better off they are. Is it possible he'll "run off to Grandma's" when he's a teenager? Sure. Better Grandma's than anywhere else... A close relationship with his Grandmother is such a beautiful blessing. Don't let anyone make you doubt that.

OK, Angela S., maybe Mom needs to work, maybe she is a single parent, maybe day care is too expensive, and maybe it's better for the child to be cared for by ANY loving relative if Mom can't be available 24/7 - that's just reality for many people, so please do not be so quick to judge. Everyone is just trying to do the best they can.

I would just make it clear to MIL that you are the mom, and her trying to do things her way is creating difficulties, and you don't want the same issues with your child that your nephew is having. Take her out to lunch and just let her know how much you appreciate her help but she really needs to respect the decisions and choices you are making in regards to raising your son. You can even try using "scientific evidence" to back you up, such as stating that this age the majority of toddlers are down to one nap (which is true) and that letting them watch TV while eating leads to bad habits later and you have already noticed some eating issues with your son (bearing in mind that many toddlers at this age tend to be "grazers" and are not always hearty eaters anyway - it does not take much to fill their tummies!).

My feeling is MIL is not doing this on purpose to cause any issues, she's probably just doing what makes it easiest for her. But bottom line is, if she can't or won't comply with your requests and the care your son is getting is not consistent, then maybe it is time to make other arrangements. And since this is your husband's mother, maybe it would be better to get hubby on board too and be a united front.

Put him to bed at 8-8:30 pm. 7 pm is extremely early anyways and can help with the sleeping issues. He is just hungry for his parent time, since you are gone all day and needs lots of one on one time with you. He's being put down before he physically and emotionally ready.

If he's showing signs of tiredness in the morning, that's a sign he needs a little nap, so it's wonderful your mil is receptive to his daytime needs. Perhaps encourage her to shorten the nap to transition him until he doesn't need it anymore. Ask her to not let him sleep past a certain time, like maybe 3:30 in the afternoon. She can judicially decide when to do the first nap, so long as it isn't going over the time you wish him to be woken up at the end of the day.

Let her know the computer show watching is interfering with his nighttime mealtime and you would appreciate it if she stopped that. But really, it's only one lunch meal a day, you can easily train him out of that at home, since kids react differently with caregiver meals and parent meals. My kids are used to eating lunch on the run, or on a picnic blanket on the floor, and that hasn't interfered with their ability to eat at the dinner table.

If she won't listen to what you say, then decide to find another caregiver, stay home or deal with the care your mil is giving him, which is probably wonderful care otherwise. I mean, really those are your options, pick one. Oh, and ps, I certainly hope you are paying her too.

And oh, I agree with some later posts, some of these issues could just be that, regular childhood issues, and not stemming from anything your mil is doing.

My neighbor had this exact same issue with her mother. I mean exactly the same time (except it was tv time and she also had an issue with her son going to fast food joints). After begging and pleading, her mother still wouldn't listen. She was extremely grateful for her mother's help, but worried a bit about the same concerns you have. So she first let her mother witness the meltdowns first hand. She and her hubby had to go to a "work function" (I think it really was a holiday party) and asked mom to babysit in the evening too. The mom got a little taste of the meltdowns. When she mentioned it at the end of the evening her daughter simply told her that they had been dealing with it for a while. Her other step was to surprise visit at home for lunch. With her schedule, she couldn't do it too often, but she was able to come home a few times. She simply walked in and turned off the tv and said, "Hey, no tv while we eat". She also made sure to mention that the pedi has said to limit screen time, ALL screen time. Then over the holiday while she was off, she simply changed his schedule to what she wanted it to be. And let mom know that this was the new schedule that he was used to now. She said mom sulked a little, but took it rather well and there was no knock down drag out fight or anything. My neighbor said she also made sure to talk to her mom about it after the fact. She let her mother know how much she was appreciated, how lucky her son was, but that she had to raise her son the way SHE thought was the best for him.

i love that your MIL loves your baby and is helping you with him. many of us have to work and a loving MIL is better than daycare any day. do not let Mean People guilt-trip you about needing to work. i sure hope you can work this out.
for starters, pick your battles. i really doubt her little shows during lunch are ruining your child's ability to enjoy a family meal, especially if she's watching and singing and laughing with him, not just plopping him in front of them. you are and always will be his parents, and what you do will affect him far more than his grammy days. he's only 2, he's wiggly. that's not your MIL's fault. if you feel very strongly about it, by all means address it. but i'll bet my next paycheck that even if MIL complies, your child will continue to be wiggly. i'm 51 and i still can't just 'sit and eat.'
the nap thing is a bigger deal and you probably do need to have a pow-wow with her. acknowledge her experience in this matter (which she has!) and express appreciation for her POV. she's not 'wrong', there's a large school of thought that does exactly what she does, follow the child's lead and put them down when they're tired, not according to any kind of schedule. it's lovely, but doesn't work for everyone and doesn't for you. and you're the mom, so you get to decide. but you're going to have to be very clear. it does sound as if you've been communicating with her, but she hasn't really bought into the idea that you feel strongly about this and she needs to listen.
make a nice pot of tea, invite her to sit down, and make your points clearly and concisely. don't be accusatory, and make sure you are doing it with love and appreciation. let her have her way on the smaller points so that you can be emphatic and resolute on the issues that matter most to you. you don't want her to leave the meeting feeling belittled and disrespected. but if she absolutely refuses to concede anything to your parenting philosophy, you may have to pull out the big guns, ie 'if we can't figure out a way to work this out, i'm afraid we're going to have to find a daycare arrangement that will fit better with how we want to raise our child.' but it shouldn't come to that and i don't think it will.
good luck!
khairete
S.

If it is such a problem then why don't you find someone to watch him who will who will follow your directions. Let her visit all she wants but find someone else for the childcare.

EDIT I agree with Angel S.

Wow! This is a difficult situation...on the one hand you have a loving ( and probably somewhat affordable) caregiver for your child, but on the other hand you are being ignored concerning matters that are important to you. As I see it, you really only have a few choices
1. quit work and stay home (yeah right! I'm sure we'd all stay home if we had $$ trees in our backyards!)
2. Discuss these issues with your MIL and calmly tell her that you must insist YOU (and hubby) make the parenting decisions regarding your son, if she can't respect your parenting then (even though you GREATLY appreciate it) you will be forced to seek out a care provider who CAN.
3. Get used to it and let MIL do what she wants, or
4. find a new provider.

For those that have said it's her (the MIL's)job and she'll do it the way she sees fit while she's at work...REALLY?!? Is that the way it works at your job? At my job, there are certain standards to be met and certain rules to follow, and one who doesn't follow those rules or meet those standards is welcome to find employment elsewhere and should probably start looking because they probably wont' have a job too much longer. I've NEVER had a boss who let me 'do things my way'...that's one of the silliest things I've heard in a while, thanks for the laugh!!

My children are watched between my mom and MIL....so I can understand what your going through. And I'll guess MIL is doing this for free also?

All you can do is make the requests, if she doesn't do them. You either live with them or find a new babysitter. That's really your only options.

Her job is to watch her grandson, so during her "job" she is doing what seems work best for her and your son while she's on duty. I know if I were watching my grandkids and they were tired I would put them down for a nap..... I'm sure you would too if you were home. What you might suggest to her is to wake him up early because it's messing up his night time schedule. If she doesnt follow through I'd get a little more stern and specific with her.
If she's showing him movies on her laptop while he's eating shouldnt be that big of a deal..... If you dont do that when you are home he should know the difference and I don't really think it would create a problem. If you are noticing him not paying attention at the dinner table while you are all there it's most likely due to him just changing and being fidgety/antsy and not so much from watching a cartoon at lunchtime with Grandma.
Maybe write out the schedule for her and tape it to the fridge...
12pm--lunch (please not tv or computer distractions at meal time Grandma)
2pm-- second nap (Please only let him sleep for one hour as it has been affecting his bedtime)
You might have to ask her a few times to make these changes that you want, she might not "get" how important it really is to you. Don't sit and fume about it, just communicate it with her and be firm enough so she knows you mean business.
I know I would honor the wishes of my grandkids parents, but sometimes Grandma's will do things a little different .... it just cant be helped ;)

This is a tough one! I was in your same position when my daughter was a baby. I was so happy to have a family member watching her for me, but hated the fact that my MIL thought I was an idiot and that she new my baby better than I did. Your husband is going to have to get involved.

Ideally she would take your lead and do as you wish but apparently that isn't going to happen. Do you pay her? If so, she needs to follow your rules no matter what. If not, then she is doing you a favor and has some wiggle room. If you don't like the way she is doing things and if she refuses to do the things you wish then you need to look for a new babysitter who will.

This isn't just a MIL issue - it happens with lots of babysitters / nannys.

I used to work full time when my first child was an infant and I found a lovely girl from Poland who had been a live-in nanny and was now a newlywed looking for a job. She loved my duaghter and was excellent except for a few things that she wouldn't change no matter how many times I talked to her. I couldn't get my child to sleep until about 11:30 every night and she wouldn't just lay down in her crib - she wanted to be held. When I came home early one afternoon after a client meeting, I discovered why - my nanny liked to watch Baywatch (David Hasselhoff) and another show from 3:00 - 5:00. She would hold my daughter in her arms so she'd sleep quietly for those 2 hours while the nanny watched her shows. So basically my daughter had just finished a long nap an hour before I got home - no wonder she was wide awake until nearly midnight!

That's when I went in search of a daycare center - I visited about 6 of them and found a small one with only 6 kids in my child's age range. The ladies were loving and caring and the place was clean. It cost a bundle - but like you - I had to work in order to afford to live in the NY metro area. Within weeks my child's sleep pattern had changed - she was now tired when we got home. She was being stimulated, she was playing with developmentally appropriate toys, and the TV wasn't on!

The care your child will get from his grandmother is a good thing for certain instances - but grandparents tend to want to do whatever the child wants - and not what's best for them. Think of how many young parents stare at their own mom or dad and say "you would never have let me do that when I was a kid" - but they let the grandkids get away with anything. Just the nature of the beast.

It's very tough to decide how to handle this since I'm sure you're saving a ton of money with you MIL - but you have to decide if it's worth it or not. Only you can make that decision. She will not change how she's doing things - she just won't. Realize that and work around it - figure out if you can live with it or not.

Bottom line - this is one of many tough decisions that you'll have to deal with in your parenting career - and they're all tough - and you are may never get a perfect outcome - it's all about what's do-able, what you can live with, etc. Good luck mama - you will figure this out.

I would just tell her that you need her help to transition your son to his new sleeping pattern. Period. Tell her the two naps a day is not working for you. Give the higher authority - you spoke with his doctor about these issues and as his mom you feel it is in his best interest to go to one nap per day to prevent evening grouchiness and for better sleep at night. The better, more thorough sleep at night will help prevent him being tired in the morning. That is why he is rubbing his eyes. Make a list of acceptable things she could do with him when he showing times of being sleepy and it is not time to nap. When you said "no TV" your MIL did honor your request, but replaced it with stimulation from the computer. Perhaps do a compromise- let her play positive music during lunch, but hold the computer videos til after lunch so that he is concentrating on eating and doesn't become dependent on entertainment at dinner. You are very lucky that your MIL is willing to provide such a loving environment for your son.

I don't think many 16 mo's "know how to just sit and eat", And even my 7 yo is "always looking for something or reaching for something and is never just content eating his dinner"!
As for the naps, if he is yawning and rubbing his eyes in the morning, he probably does need a nap, so I'm sure she thinks he DOES need a nap. Maybe you could work on having her keep the afternoon nap very short? 45 min or 1 hr?

um, if it's causing an issues, find a day care that has the schedule you want, and put him in it, and politely tell her that her care just wasn't working for you.

i feel your pain.

bottom line: this is your son. also because it seemed to work well with your nephew, she doesn't see the issue. are there any other childcare options for you guys? i know that daycare is expensive; yet is there a low-cost option? i've found that the ONLY people who followed my rules with my kids were people who i paid.

also, at 16 months, he might be ready to transition to one nap/day. this way he sleeps for about 2-3 hours and then goes down at night.

one thing i would state: your husband needs to be involved. i find it works better when the related person speaks with the inlaws.

i do hope all works out.

Most people have to work. And some people even choose to work (gasp!) that being said, it can be touchy with families. My sister watched my 3 kids for 4 years and was AMAZING, but she was the boss and not the aunt. When we put the kids into a daycare last March, everyone was much happier. Can you afford other care? If so, I would recommend it. My mom gets my older two (7 and 5) off the bus everyday. I put them on. And they get an hour or so with her, more often less than that. So it works out. She gets snack and outside play time - what could be better? But if she continues to do things you don't want her to do, I'd look for other options. Luckily for me, my sister followed the SAME rules my husband and I do, down to a T. She even does the same (mostly) with her own daughter now. Good luck. And don't let anyone tell you that you are doing wrong for working or that your baby won't bond with you, thats ignorant. Your baby knows who his mama is.

Talk to your hubby and make sure that you are on the same page (or that he will at least back you). Talk to MIL again and explain what you are going through and tell her that you really need her to support your efforts regarding eating and napping. Maybe let him take a nap later in the morning and not in afternoon (or early afternoon).

I fully understand!!! Only I live with my MIL currently. I have tried nice, I have tried reasoning, I have tried keeping the peace. I gave up and had to get tough and slightly not nice. I explained that I DO appeciate that she watches my children and to please never question that. But I am their mother, and my word goes. Period. It is my decision as to what is best for my kids and whether or not she agrees, I'm sure she would have ill-responded to someone else telling HER how she should have raised her children. I had to set some hard and fast rules that I insisted needed to be followed, and I followed up immediately upon returning home. I had to lose the soft and yielding nature that anyone would have with their elders. But at the end of the day, they are my children and I give myself permission to be a protective mama bear : )