Miscarriage - Philadelphia,PA

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Hi E.,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I do understand what you are going through I had 3 miscarriages - one was at 14 weeks after everything was deemed "perfect" at a Dr visit a few days before.

It is IMPERATIVE that you seek counseling. I know you suggested a support group, but I would suggest individual counseling with a therapist who can help you work through your loss.

I would contact your health insurance tonight - their customer service reps should be 24hrs. They can give you a list of names that you can call tomorrow - many therapist 'groups' will have someone you could see tomorrow - the same day you call.

What I can share with you is that it DOES get better. It is very easy to blame yourself when you are looking for answers and find none, but I urge you to talk through your feelings until you have found a way toward acceptance and peace.

I wish you good luck and peace in this hard time.

B.

First of all, I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I've had two losses, one a blighted ovum (after trying to get pg for 17 months) and one a miscarriage 3 days after seeing my baby's heart beat. I understand all too well how you feel. It sounds very much how I felt after my first loss. It was like the world was falling apart and crashing in on me all at once. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Couldn't understand how God could give me such a wonderful gift to only rip it away. I hated God. I can't even tell you how much I hated God when I was told my baby had died. Life was a cruel joke and I didn't know how to go forward. Part of my heart died. It was a very, very dark time for me. I prayed and prayed for God, the God I hated so much, to give me strength to go on. I live in a very small community so like you turned to the internet to find solace. I found a wonderful online support group that not only helped me through the emotional turmoil of losing my babies, but also held me up while I was pg with my two sons. The website is <http://blightedovum.proboards.com/index.cgi&gt;. It was created for women who've suffered a blighted ovum, but there are women there who have had every type of loss you can imagine, and we're all there to hold each other up. They gave me the strength to keep going, gave me the strength to keep trying for my baby. I can honestly say I couldn't have made it without them. My DH tried to be supportive, but it wasn't the same as being able to talk to women who had been where I was. Suddenly, I wasn't alone and the world didn't seem quite so dark. It took time, oh so much time before I started to feel better. I never thought I would, but I did. Please come and check out the site. I think you will find it helpful and supportive. If you feel you need a face-to-face support group, call your local hospital to see what they have to offer. I found out while pg the second time that my hospital offers support groups for parents who have lost a baby during pg. Also, try your local church or temple. Often times places of worship offer support groups too. I know right now it feels like you'll never feel happy again, but I promise you will. It took months for me to get there, but one day I found I had a moment of happiness. It was fleeting, just a moment, but it was there. And I felt guilty for it. But in time I learned not to feel guilty, and the moments came more often and lasted longer each time, and one day I woke up and realized I didn't hurt so much anymore and was actually happy. It will happen for you too. Please don't make any decisions about trying again until you start to heal. After my second loss I felt the same way about not wanting to face yet another loss, but then I looked at my first son and realized that if I had given up after the first loss, I never would have had him, and I just couldn't imagine the world without him. He was worth the risk of a broken heart, as was my younger son. For right now though, just think about helping yourself. And please remember that you're not alone. If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to write to me.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Hugs,
A.

I doubt that any woman who has experienced miscarriage would advise you to "get over it". I've had 3 miscarriages. It's hard to get your head around it. It was NOTHING you did or did not do. Miscarriage is extremely common, not that it makes it any easier to accept when it happens to you. Talk to your OB/GYN about resources or try to find a grief support group near you. Many times a local funeral home could give you a list.

When I had O. of my miscarriages, It made me SO angry to see so many people carrying babies so easily, conceiving without a second thought, etc. People would say to me "it's for the best....probably something wrong with the baby...." That infuriated me! I was telling my brother that and he said "Denise, you may not have been able to handle what was wrong with that baby--it could have caused major depression, suicide, addiction, divorce--down the road--we can never know for sure--but trust that the Lord works for all good at the perfect time in our lives." He was so very right.
Trust and pray.
I hope you are successful in finding a support group. How very wise to seek out other women who know your personal loss so well!
You have every right to grieve in your own way, and in your own time.
Don't mess around with real feelings of being suicidal. Go to the ER or call 911 if you feel you are going to hurt yourself.
There is a baby for you. There was O. for me.
God bless.

I'm SO SO sorry. I know how you feel. Most miscarriages are completely spontaneous and have no explanation. This is NOT your fault, I promise you that.
Call the national suicide helpline and ask for a referral to a miscarriage support group. They will be able to put you in touch with any resources for support and help you will need. The best part, is it's anonymous.

Dear E.,
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

My suggestion is to google miscarriage support groups. There are a lot of online groups. Too many to post.

Also, 1800-suicide is the suicide hotline number.

Call your dr for a therapist recommendation make an emergency appt.

You can also contact a priest or pastor from your community church.

Don't give up on yourself. Also if you want another child don't give up on that either. My girlfriend miscarried her first and went on to have 2 children. I have another friend who gave birth to her first and it was stillborn she now has 5 kids.

Thing happen for a reason...I know cliche' but true.
Thinking of you tonight. Get yourself the help u need u can move forward.

for starters sometimes the docs dont know what causes it. second it is in no way shape or form your fault. you had a death deal with it like a death.I found a support group on line for miscarriages it helped alot. I hated pregnant girls for a while they just irked me and it wasnt thier fault. but I foundout this is normal. you will grieve your babys death and findit unfair which it is unless your friends have been there they wont understandthis.you can carry a normal pregnacy after a miscarrige I have a 2 1/2 yr old to prove it. isolating yourself is part of the grieving process. call hospice and get with a grief counselor. a death is a death. you will always wonder what it would have looked like the sex and what its personality would have been. i am sorry for your loss and if you need to pm me

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Hang in there! I lost a baby at 12.5 weeks and had a horrible time "getting over it." We had two ultrasounds prior that showed the baby's heart beat and I was devastated. Several of my friends couldn't understand what was wrong with me and I ended up isolating myself from them. They had never been where I was and I finally realized they just didn't understand, but continuing to converse with them as I struggled just added to the pain.

It took me awhile before I could even talk about it and I had a difficult time finding anywhere that helped people like me. Realize the hormones in your body were pretty high and so you have to give your body a little time to get back to normal just physiologically too. I ended up taking an anti depressant for a few months because I was having a difficult time moving on and was depressed - I had a very good OBGYN who recognized it and helped me until I got back on my feet. She assured me it was actually very common and people just didn't talk about the pain much.

I had two additional miscarriages before finally having my first of my three boys I have today. Give yourself time and allow the people who are supporting you to continue to be around during this time, but try to ignore the ones who have nothing positive to offer.

I can tell you from our experience I didn't think I could handle losing another baby, but the overwhelming joy when my first son was born healthy is too difficult to even describe. Maybe trying again or not trying again is a decision best made after you have a little time to heal.

You're in my prayers:)

E.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling. I pray that God can see you through this tough time and someday show you why this is the path that He has chosen for you. Know that it is not something that you did that caused Him to take your child from you, but instead he has a different purpose for your child. You may never know what that purpose is, however I pray that you find peace in knowing that God is now holding your little one.

I can only relate in that I lost my dad unexpectedly 6 years ago this Sunday. I struggled with this loss for a good two years before I met my husband. He opened my eyes to so much in life, including introducing me back to God. I had grown up going to church and we were a religous family, however I never knew what it was to "believe" until I attended a few faith conferences. One of these was Women of Faith. At one of the conferences I purchased a book by Marlyn Meeburg (sp?) called "what to do when your roof caves in." There's a chapter in the book that would probably help you with what you're going through. I just found comfort in knowing that someone else has gone through my situation and they can relate. I think you are right in finding that support group and I wish I could help with some suggestions. I know after my dad died, my mom attended a grief class through the funeral home. She said that it gave her so much closure.

I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this difficult period in your life. I pray that you can lean on your faith, family and hopefully your friends will come around as they should be some of your strongest supporters at this time. If you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a personal note and I will certainly listen and try to provide any assistance I can. I pray that your suicidal thoughts are taken away from you so that you can continue your amazing life with your amazing husband and your amazing future child(ren). God created you for a purpose, even if during this moment you don't feel like you have one. You are special, very special to your family and those around you. Don't ever forget that...you can never be replaced and would leave an enormous hole in their hearts.

Take care and God bless!

Hello E.,

I am so sorry for your loss. You have received some strong, good suggestions here. Please reach out to the resources that are available. Even calling a hotline will help you feel a little better. My second miscarriage led to my getting counseling, which changed my life. Please don't blame yourself. You've just experienced a monumental loss, and will be grieving for a while. It's okay not to call people back if they can't be supportive right now. You and your husband may need to take a bit of a break from life and just be together and grieve privately.

Please know that you aren't alone. Counseling will help both you and your husband, and you will likely grieve very differently about this. But please believe me, it *does* get better over time. I'm so sorry.

H.

I experienced a loss at 17 weeks last year. And I hated that people said, time heals all wounds, but in hindsight it does. If you feel depressed or suicidal, you NEED to get help now. Call the hospital you went to, they have grief counselors.
I know how hard this is, you can't blame yourself. If you feel your dr.'s aren't giving you information, go to a new practice, call one today.
In regards to your friends, tell them to kiss your a$@, stick with your parents and husband. Pity yourself for awhile, you are experiencing grief. There are a whole lot of stages, and they are all normal.
Just remember you are not alone, go onto baby center.com, they have threads devoted to miscarriage. It helped me to talk to other women who went through this.
Don't think about having another baby now, let yourself grieve.
This is the worst thing a woman can experience, just remember that you are strong, you can get through this, just ask for help.
I wish you the best.

Call Gerri Wismer at the Postpartum Stress Center affiliated with Main Line Health. She does individual sessions and also runs a group. ###-###-####. She was helpful to me after two first term miscarriages and extremely helpful to a friend who suffered a still birth at 38 weeks. Good luck.

Updated

I just tried to post, but I'm not sure if it went through . . . Call Gerri Wismer of the Postpartum Stress Clinic, associates with Main Line Health. She was helpful to me after I suffered 2 first term miscarriages and extremely helpful to a friend who suffered a still birth at 38 weeks. She runs private counseling sessions and also a couple of different groups. ###-###-####. Good luck.

I cannot believe anyone would tell you to stop pitying yourself, especially four days after it happened! You must take care of yourself and follow the excellent advice you have already been given. Seek out help from all sources that you can find. Miscarriage is a difficult thing because it does feel like a gift has been stolen from you. Please don't hate or blame yourself. Just because you are diabetic does not mean that it is your fault! It happens to those of us who have no known health issues. However, even though I say that, I understand that you are just looking for a way to understand what has happened and that is all you know so you take on the responsibility yourself. Personally, when I miscarried, I blamed myself because I was still nursing my daughter and I had taken Advil for a headache a few weeks before the loss! Now I realize I was just searching for a reason so that I could understand and accept what had happened.
Please take care of yourself, know that you are not alone and find support in the many positive resources out there. You CAN heal. Good luck to you.

Please tell your husband mow that you feel suicidal and ask him to call a doctor now. That is serious but could be hormonal and fixable. I'm very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and continue to avoid anyone who is not.

Hi, E.;
I understand your grief.
What is your pay off to blame yourself for the miscarriage?
Call your local hospital for the grief support group.
Planned parenthood may have a grief support group meeting.
Good luck.
D.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please tell your husband, parents, and doctor that you are becoming suicidal and need help. Your doctor can start to get you the help you need. You are not alone, and there is help available. God bless.

I am so sorry for your loss. I had this happen twice, and it is devastating to say the least. The best thing anyone told me was this. Something was not quite right genetically with this baby, and God made a decision for you so that you would not have to be faced with any kind of decision in the future regarding your baby's life. Have faith that God will give you another sweet soul who will be healthy. Pray and DEFINITELY get some emotional help. Call the suicide help line if you feel that your thoughts are tending this way. Hug your husband and your parents and let time heal this raw wound.

Normally testing is not done to determine the "why" if this has happened once. The second time I miscarried, they did test the tissue and found Trisomy 21. I guess this reason did help me get through. Maybe you could ask to see a specialist who will know more about the risks of diabetes and pregnancy? Please don't give up. I now have two healthy boys. I will keep you in my prayers, and again I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself.

There is a website called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope that has helped many, many people I know cope with the loss of a baby, whether it was a miscarriage, still birth, or infant death. I hope that you can find some people to connect with that can help you slowly start to heal.

http://www.facesofloss.com/

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I think Maria N. gave you some wonderful supportive advice since she was in your shoes once too. I was lucky to never have experienced a miscarriage but I feared it with both pregnancies. I hate hearing it happen to women. So sad. You really bond with the baby growing inside you... some people more than others. If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way. Talk to your OB/GYN so they can get you the help/medication you need. As much as you may not believe it, this wasn't your fault. I hope once you give yourself time to heal mentally and physically, you will try to get pregnant again. It's good that you reached out. It's a hard thing to do when you are very depressed (I've been there so I know the feeling of wanting to wallow in your 'dark place'). Best of luck... take care.

First, it is not your fault!!! I can't say that enough! I can not understand what the heck is wrong with your friends other then they have NO clue what your going through. Your doing the right thing by avoiding them. I really believe unless you have had a miscarraige you just don't understand what the woman is going through. Definately try and seek some help if you are feeling this way. You are not alone and I hope that you are able to get some support and a little sympathy here at this site. I would try to contact your local health department and I am sure if they do not have a support group that they can put you in the right direction. I hope you heal inside and out. (((BIG HUGs)))

I am sorry for your loss. At 10 weeks I had a miscarriage myself. I will tell you that sometimes it is in god's hands. There may have been something wrong with the baby and it was god's way of taking care of the baby. You should not give up. The easy way is to say,I won't try again. Go to a nutritionist and loose some weight. Being in good shape physically and emotionally is very important when trying to conceive. I did get pregnant five months later and now have an awesome son who is 3.5 years old. BTW I was told at 20 weeks that my son could have down syndrome but luckily he is not. At 23 weeks found out that I have gestational diabetes. I decided to take charge and take care of myself and had to remember that I was responsible for another life. Obviously,you want to have a child but you are fustrated. God bless, and remember every day it will get better. Next time,you need to go to a high risk doctor who deals with the issue of miscarriage and diabetes. Hang in there.

i
m so sorry..this happened to M. they tested and found out everything was fine genitically (so the whole the baby wasn't healthy argumet to feel better was pretty invalid) but my hormone levels were low...so i took progesterine the 1st 12 weeks the next time.....I got through it, although i was bummed for a while, my secret to it not bothering M. now, is i got pregnant with my daughter a month before that baby wouldv'e been due, sso i wouldn't have had her if i had not had the misscarriage, that was my plan,i said i can get through this iff we get pregnant before the baby ould be here..so i felt there was a reason it happened....atleast thats what helped M.....give yourself time to heal....i waited a good 7 months

Hi E.,
I hate to presume to know how you feel because of course I haven't walked in your shoes but I can so relate to you. I was told my son was perfectly healthy at my 20 wk ultrasound. Long story short he died when he was only 17 days old.
I am now approaching what would have been my son's tenth birthday and I can tell you you will not just "get over it" but with time you can and will learn to cope with the loss of your baby.
You need to mourn this terrible loss and I can not understand why so called friends would tell you to stop pitying yourself. Everyone grieves in their own way and loosing a child is the most painful loss imaginable.
Please get professional help for yourself. Besides dealing with this miscarriage your hormones are totally out of whack and you are not thinking clearly since you are having suicidal thoughts.
As far as having another baby, it is too soon to think anything about this since you need to mourn and recover physically. I can tell you I felt the same way you did and I can now tell you that I did have another baby 2 years after my son passed away.
My prayers are with you! Hang in there.
Hugs to you,
JC

I am so sorry for your loss.

Call your physician right now. Right now. Tell her you are feeling suicidal. She will talk you through what you need to do. If you can not reach her, go straight to an emergency room or call 911. You have suffered a terrible loss AND are extremely hormonal. This is a dangerous combination. SEEK HELP NOW. Don't let this tragedy become a bigger one. Don't worry about the future now-- worry about yourself now. Please let us know how you are doing.

E., you've had some great responses. Please get some professional help. I just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and your family.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please look out for yourself; it is a major loss. Don't let anyone make you feel like it's not ok to Greive. It's ok.
I miscarried a few years ago. I was unhappy with the doctors giving me no info; so I waited until all the blood tests were done and went to a different practice. That doctor made me feel so good that I was encouraged to try again.
It is hard. Please look out for you.