My best friend found out at her second Ob/Gyn appointment that the baby she was carrying was dead. She was 12 weeks along but the baby had died at 8 weeks.
I want to be a support to her but not sure how much I can. She and I were both pregnant at the same time with our second children and again with our third. I am pregnant and about 9 weeks along. I am so nervous that she is not going to handle seeing my belly and hearing about all my symptoms. She says she wants to hear about what I am experinceing but can that really be?
What advice do you have for me. What to say, what not to say, talk about it or not? She is the type to keep her emotions to herself. I really want to tread lightly. I love her so much and want to do what is best for her.
Wow, What wonderful support and advise for Mamasource moms! I have heard your hurts and your wisdom. I will let her lead conversations and questions. I will make myself available to her. I will offer to watch her kids so she can have a break. Above all, I see the soft hearts that have been touched by tradgedy. Many rich blessings to all who have responded. I pray for continued health and healing for you all - for those who have first hand experience with loss of a child and the friends who look to be a support during this time.
Give her some time and be there for her. This happened with my friend and myself and she really was ok with it over time.
Hi S.,
Wow did this hit home...This is a very hard subject and matter to handle there is no doubt. Every person is very different in how they handle things.
BUT Please be very honest with her.
If you have fears of things upsetting her talk to her. Your silence may be misunderstood.
You see I too lost a child, but I was much farther along.
Interesting how people still call it a miscarriage no matter what. When indeed it is considered a still birth if the baby is old enough to have to be buried.
And YET the pain of loosing a child anywhere from the time you find out your are pregnant to into their adult lives still leave an empty spot in your heart.
I know when I lost my little girl I couldn't understand why people wouldn't talk about it with me.
I needed to talk, to try and understand to vent, to cry and everything in between. Now I look back and I know it was so hard for people to see my pain I think they thought if they don't bring it up I wouldn't hurt so much.
Well for me it was quite the opposite.
I too had a dear friend who was having a baby at the same time. We were due a month apart. I see her son even now and think wow Amber would have been his age. He may never know it, but he will always have a very special place in my heart.
There were 2 other close friends who had babies with in a year of me loosing my little girl. I will admit it was very hard to see them carrying their children, but I never once wanted them to stay away from me. More than anything I wanted to experience it with them.
But again everyone is different. I feel that no matter what it will be hard for her at times to see you, hear about how everything is going etc. but if you are indeed a close friend she needs you right now.
Just let her know you are there for her to talk.
You see she is probably feeling odd about being around you too, for fear that you might be worried about what happened to her might happen to you.
I went through that as well. I swear it felt like pregnant people acted like what happened to me might be catchy and they didn't want to be around me.
That hurt a lot... So many many emotions on both sides here.
But most of all TALK and discussed EVERYTHING with her.
For what it is worth, my outlook on it was that, God was in need of a little Angel that day and as much as she wanted to be with me my little girl went to him with open arms!
Just my view on things...
Take good care of you and congrats on your new baby coming...Children are truly a blessing and should be treasured always.
Hello S., My daughter went through the very same thing with her first baby. Her 2nd is now 15 months old, yet she still grieves for her 1st. To top it off the day she passed him, my younger daughter called to say the she just learned she was pregnant also, not knowing about the miscarriage. Allow your friend to direct the relationship. If she wants to hear about your pregnancy then by all mean do so. She wants to know that she is being heard and believed, as we all do. There will be grief thrown in also, but that can't be helped. Be there for her, to listen, sit, walk, play cards, etc. That is the most supportive thing you can do. It took my daughter two days to pass her fetus, and that was the most emotionally harming part of the whole prossess. Dont abandon her just because you are still pregnent. Great person growth comes with all heart aches, and the bond will deepen between the two of you if you stay by her side. Good luck, my prays are with you.
Hi S. -
It sounds like you know her best and that is important b/c everyone handles these types of situations differently. I will say, your story hits really close to home for me, so I will tell you about my situation and hope it helps you out!
About 4 years ago, my 2 best friends and I were all pregnant at the same time...exciting, right??!? Couldn't ask for a better situation, or at least I thought. I was your friend and had an 18 week miscarriage. Horrible, most devastating time of my life. My other pregnant friend also had a miscarriage (earlier then I and before me). A great situation turned horrible. Even though I was devastated, I said the same thing to my still pregnant friend. I wanted to be able to talk to her about her pregnancy and the things going on with her ...and we did. I was devastated by my loss, but happy for her gain...and she had twins!
I guess, for me, I wanted to talk with her about it, but I also wanted to be able to talk about other things too. So if she has encouraged you to talk with it about her do that, but be sure to be sensitive. Talk about other things too and be sure to consider and even ask about how she is doing/coping etc., if you comfortable doing so. I think shutting her out will make her feel worse, or at least it would have me. I know it is hard for you as well..you will feel like you are walking on thin ice all the time. Time will heal her hurt, so in the mean time, help her through it any way you can, share your pregnancy joy and just continue to be the wonderful friend I am sure you are. And in the meantime enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations!
I was pregnant with my first daughter when a friend was pregnant with her second child. She said the same thing. More times than not, she was fine with talking about the pregnancy and what was going on. She even attended my baby shower, where two other expectant moms were going to be. There was one time though, when I was with the other moms-to-be talking about decorating the nurseries that she walked away. That was actually when we found out she miscarried. We just let her set the pace in conversations. There are bound to be good times and bad times. Trust your friend to show signs if it bothers her and change the topic if it appears that she's not handling it well. It may very well help her heal, as it did with my friend.
Dear S.,
I can tell just from reading your message that your friend is blessed to have you in her life. I am currently going through the same thing your friend is and I also miscarried in December. I have three friends that are due around the time I was with the first baby we lost. I do okay seeing their bellies, but I don't ask about their pregnancies much; it is just too hard still. I have a friend who is due around the same time I was with the second baby we are losing, and again, I don't think I want to hear too much about her experience, at least not with our grief so fresh.
I would suggest you let your friend lead the conversations. You can't pretend you aren't pregnant, and I am sure your friend doesn't want to diminish the joy you have, but let her ask you how you are rather than bringing it up yourself. Also, be especially sensitive when the time comes that her baby would have been born. Try to remember to send a card to let you know you haven't forgotten.
The fact that you care so much says a lot. If your friend distances herself from you for a time or has trouble talking about your pregnancy, don't take it personally. Just keep praying for her and being her friend.
Rachael
S.~ I think it's great you are looking for things to say. But to be honest just listen and please don't say things like: It just wasn't meant to be, it's for the best something probably would have been wrong with the baby anyways. At least it happened now instead of later. People say many of these things meaning to help and it doesn't they all hurt more then anything. Hereis a web site both you and her can check out that helped me thought my m/c's and then when I wanted to try again and now is supporting me while pregnant again. www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com
I hope this helps.
I just recently miscarried. I was suppose to be 9 weeks and the baby died at 6. It was my fourth miscarriage I miscarry between having healthy kids. This last one was worse than all of them. I thnk about it constantly but when i see someone pregnant i really don't get upset. as long as she looks at her kids as gifts and she hugs them and they can help her through this. Because thats what i have been doing it and its helped. Plus I assume her husband is there for her if she can let him know her feelings too. Than when your with her don't treat her any different. If you treat her differently she may feel worse. I would personally say something to her and tell her you don't know how to do this so I am coming strait out and going to say. Say what your feeling and ask her what can i do is there things you rather me leave out do i need to back off of you. I know it would have to be extrememly hard and I don't want to upset you. see what she has to say and follow that. I lost one with someone i considered a good friend and she actually had just lost one also but while she was waiting for her first period she found out she got pregnant again so she ended on a happy note but my sistuation i had ask to not talk about her pregnanancy because it upset me and now we aren't so close so. I would talk toher and see what she wants and than if she wants space give her three to 4 months and than chat up again with her. good luck sorry its touchy.
Hold her hand. Be there. Listen.
I've had 3 and my first and third I was pretty much on my own.
Let her know you feel awkward in light of her situation, but still wanted to be there for her. It isn't over for her. She has to know that. To say "These things happen" doesn't help, but rationally yes, these things happen and we don't know why it happens to us. There may be a divine reason we don't know, but we try to smile in the face of adversity and heartache. Don't forget that her hormones are going to be out of whack. Get some nice soothing tea and have a tea party.
It isn't any consolation, I know, but I would rather lose early on, than go through the entire 9 mos and have this happen. Maybe that's the divine blessing. Because if we're devastated at this early point, think how much worse it would be after 9 mos.
If she seems to avoid you, understand it may not be personal. It may be a matter of mental survival on her part. I just don't think there's any specific thing one can do to make it hurt less. just time. Sometimes people just need to have alone time to deal with it. Let her know you're there, just a phone call away. Or visit away. But find out if she needs space or needs someone. It might be just between her and her hubby that she needs to grieve.
No easy answers, S.. Been there. My second was such a positive experience that if I had to go through it, that's what I'd want. U/M is really wonderful in this situation.
Hi S.,
Well it looks like you allready received alot of great advice but I would just like to add one thing. If she is wanting to hear about your pregnancy let her set the bar of conversation. Let her asks the questions and when you answer her just don't dwell on the topic or go on and on. You have a right to be happy and want to share, for what is the biggest joy in our lives, but don't dominate the conversation about the pregnancy. Ask her how she is doing and tell her you are there for her if she needs to talk. I wish your friend health and happiness and congratulations to you. S.
I had a very early miscarriage...actually found out I was pregnant b/c of it. Anyway, it was hard...but I image it is much harder at 12 weeks. I was jealous and had a hard time being around pregnant friends...luckily I was able to get pregnant about 3 mos later.
It was hard for me to talk about...and somethign I really kept to myself. I would not have wanted to hear about your symptoms. Even though she says she does....she is probably being a good friend by saying that. You obviously can't hide your belly...but you can prevent yourself from the "complaining" that we all do while pregnant. She will probably be thinking...wow, I'd give anything to be nausous right now...or I wish my hips hurt b/c I was carrying a baby.
If she brings it up...LISTEN. That is what she will need/want. Try to comment as much as possible and DONT tell you understand or that you can image what she is going through. You really can't. If she has other kids...offer to take them for a day so she can has some time to herself.
The same thing happened to me, where I was the one that miscarried and I had two friends that were pregnant at the same time. Your friend will be okay, but it will be difficult at first for her to see you progressing in your pregnancy and hearing about it. It will get better for her with time. Just don't over do it while around her. Let her be the one to come to you, ask you things, etc....She'll come around and it will all be okay. I was so happy for my friends, yet so sad for myself. It's just a balance. You guys are best friends, and that's actually what's important to her in the long run. Once she has had the opportunity to mourn she can take that energy to be happy for you!
Congrats to you! And you are great friend to be so concerned for your friend!
Hi S.,
I have another similar situation to share with you. My best friend and I were 2 weeks apart in our due dates. We both found out we were having sons, and just so excited to be raising children that were the same age (like we are). However, fate had another option and she ended up delivering her son stillborn about 1 month before we were due.
Initially, she couldn't talk to me. She couldn't see me, and she didn't want to hear about my pregnancy. She was 35 weeks and I was 33 weeks. About a month after my son was born (9 days late at that), her husband called me and said "Hey, did you have a baby?"
About a week after that, her husband came over, but told me she couldn't come over to see me, or my son. He told me that she was having a lot of grief still, and couldn't accept seeing my son knowing that our children were going to be the same age.
As time continued to pass, she started to feel more comfortable, but I never pushed her. I allowed her to heal at her own pace. Eventually, before my son was 6 months old, she even held him. It was very difficult, and I was afraid for our friendship.
She's told me over and over again one of the things that "saved her" was knowing that even though I had my son and she lost hers, was that I still talk/ed to her about her son. I allowed her the time she needed to grieve, and I respected what a horrible outcome she had to what was supposed to be a beautiful and wonderful time.
Give your friend time to grieve. We all grieve and handle losses differently, and while your friend may not need the time mine did, she may still need some time to heal. Without being overbearing, let her know that you are there to listen, if she needs it, and you are there to not listen, if she doesn't want it.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
Hi S.,
This has to be a tough situation, especially since you are pregnant. I wouldn't analyze it too much. You definitely need to be there for this friend. If she says she wants to hear about your experience, then please share with her. I wouldn't go on and on about it but just let her know the highlights. Don't analyze whether she said that just to be a good friend or whether she really wants to hear about it. It will be hard for her, but she doesn't want you to feel awkward around her. It may be a good way to heal for her by just continuing her everyday life, despite the tragic loss she is facing. Ask her often how she is doing and offer to help her out with meals, etc. If she has another child, she may need some quiet, alone time, so you could watch her child/children for a few hours. I hope that your friend heals in time, and that you also have a wonderful pregnancy. Where will you be delivering at??
Hello. I was once in your friend's position while my then sister-in-law was pregnant at the same time. Me with my 2nd, and her with her 1st.
I was very happy for her, after all it was her first. She didn't even know for a short time that I had miscarried. I simply did not want her to get upset or worry about hurting my feelings so I kept it to myself.
Although you do know about your friend, give her time to grieve on her own. You too are best friends and I'm sure that at first it will be hard, but she will be very excited for you and hopefully not compare herself to you in the realm of pregnancy.
It was her loss, I'd let her bring it up when she's ready. However, if she hasn't talked about it prior to you giving birth, I'd try to bring it up with her in a neutral place.
