Miscarriage and the Holidays :*[

You need to do what's best for you right now. I would have Dad take the kids to the relatives so they can have Christmas. You have suffered a great loss and will need to go through the stages of grief.

Blessings....

My heart aches for you no matter how many kids you have going through this is very hard and emotional. People don't understand unless they have been through it. Sending strength and hugs.

You might feel different in a week.

As a person who has had both a miscarriage and a mother who didn't like it when I got pregnant with an additional child, here's my advice.

1. Miscarriage -- I had one when I was about as far along as you, and I was devastated at first, but my fetus was not viable, so nature knew was it was doing.

2. Mother - When I got pregnant with my third (a lucky oopsie), I called my mother and told her and her response was: pause, pause, silence -- "OH." What a charmer she was back then.

Anyway, from my experience with my mother, I can tell you it's time to get tough. If mom is being nasty or negative -- tell her sternly to cut it out. Don't argue or try to reason with her. If she starts scolding you, tell her, "Mom, stop being a judgmental crab. It's Christmas." Or something to that effect. And then don't allow her to argue with you. Leave the room if you have to.

You can take control of a bit*chy mother. Just realize that people will only be mean to you if you let them, and that includes your mother. My mother wouldn't dream of saying the stuff to me that she used to, because I would quickly put her in her place. Ten years ago I used to take it. No more.

You don't want to let your mother ruin Christmas for you. You have three kids -- enjoy Christmas with them.

In my experience (4 miscarriages - the last baby was due on Christmas) being around family and especially my children was very helpful. I thought for sure last year that I would spend all day Christmas crying and thinking of the baby I should have been holding that day. While I did think about her, and miss her, and wish for her, it was very therapuedic to see my kids enjoying my Aunt's yummy breakfast treats and watch them wrestle with my cousins and open gifts from their cousins. I didn't cry all day, I actually enjoyed my time and was aware of how very blessed I am to have two wonderful children and a family who was aware of what I was going through, but didn't bring it up in conversation.
It sounds like you should skip your mom's house, but go to your Aunt and Uncles where you will have support and the opportunity to enjoy the three kids you have. If you stay home you will just wallow in your grief and then feel badly that you missed Christmas with your three kids that you love and enjoy. You can't get Christmas back, so don't send your kids and husband off to do their own thing. If you REALLY don't feel like you can go anywhere, then you all stay home as a family. It is ok to feel sad, and cry, and miss the baby you were so excited about - I took over a year to really shake the feeling of deep horrible sadness over my last loss - just don't miss out on the wonderful healing that comes from mothering the children that are present in your home. And know that there is always opportunity to try again for a fourth, and add to your family if you choose to in the future.

After my m/c I didn't want anything to do with anyone but my hubby for a long time. My mother and mother-in-law neither one knew we were expecting until I lost the baby. It was going to be a surprise at Christmas, the telling them we were pregnant. We were so excited since it was our first. I still think about that baby all the time and even get upset every now and then thinking about him/her and how God made this decision for me.

With all that being sad time will heal your wound and you have every right to stay at home and lick your wounds. If you feel comfy enough to stay home alone by all means you are entitled to! Not selfish at all.

(((HUGS)))
Sorry for your loss.

I am sad for you, for the loss of this baby and also for the loss of the chance for your mom to pull herself together and welcome her newest grandchild. It seems that moms sometimes have an instantaneous response that any normal person would wish they could take back. I know that one of my good friends who recently became a proud young grandma feels that way. It's a shame that your mom didn't get to make that transition, too.

As for Christmas, I think your solution is a good one. If you need time to gather your heart back together, take it. It can't be helped that it's Christmas. I do wonder, though, if having your family around might be surprisingly healing, but you are a better judge of that than I.

Big loving hugs, Mama.

Oh BAB, I'm so sorry about your loss. We all have different needs in difficult times. If yours is to be alone for a bit, that's perfectly ok.

I just want to make a suggestion. Have you considered being surrounded by people who love you and care about might be helpful?

Are you worried your presense might bring them all down and thereby ruin their Christmas? Perhaps they'd like the opportunity to support you?

For ME, 'putting on a brave face and going' would likely be therapeutic, but we're all different. You do what feels best for you, k?

Sending you strength Sista!

:)

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am sending you some peace.

Right now this is all about you and what you need and want.

Make a decision as it gets closer. Right now you have a plan so that is great. No need to even discuss it with anyone but your husband,

If by Sat morning you have a change of heart no big deal no one will know you considered not attending just make sure you and your husband watch out for each other and do not let anyone try to pull you into drama.

I no longer attend anything to do with my inlaws, but I insist my husband and our daughter go and have a good time. I stay here with the movie "Love Actually".. some bloody mary's and snacks and just enjoy the tree (which I still do not even have in the house!)..

I then enjoy a wonderful nap..

Then I open a bottle of Sparkling wine and start Christmas dinner in time for my husband and daughter to drag in, with amazing stories about how they were there for 6 hours and never got to eat lunch because it was still not ready. MIL ignored our daughter, and the BIL and FIL watched golf reruns and SIL talked about how fat she is, even though she is rail thin and no one cares about her weight.

And then we look through the crazy stupid gifts that they think are so funny and we are amazed at the money wasted. And I have dodged another frustrating holiday!!! Very happy and rested, indeed.

I guess I got snarky in the end, but some people I just refuse to waste energy on their self centered lives.

I would do the same in your place. You need to heal in body and in spirit, and that takes some time. Focus on being happy for your children when you all are at home. That's more important right now than the kinfolk.

I imagine most of your relatives will understand.

And your mama is mistaken. It's amazing how many children in one home will get the all attention and love they need from just two parents. The comments you've heard bring back memories to me. I'm sorry that you're going to have those memories, too. Some people you just have to forgive, and not hold their words against them.

Oh, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on Thanksgiving last year (and another one this year a couple of months ago). I know how hard it can be. Your mother is so wrong with her attitude. I am so appalled when I hear things like that. I am afraid I would be tempted to suggest that we keep the new baby and get rid of an older kid. Ask her which one should go, if 4 (or however many you might have) is too much. People are so irrational and really, well, stupid, when it comes to this. Honestly. Did you lose some love for #1 when #2 came along? What about with #3? No, the love is multiplied, not divided. And, we find that the more kids we have, the more attention they get! Not only for us, as we so cherish those days with them because we know they are fleeting, but also from older siblings. Oh, how my #6 is loved and cherished by so many more people than #1 was, just because she has more people in her life who love her.

But, I do want to encourage you to celebrate Christmas with your family. You are making memories with them that cannot be altered later. Enjoy the family, the joy of the season, they hope in the future. You might not be "rockin' around the Christmas tree," but you can be "home for Christmas" with your children and husband. Be there. All there. For them. Again, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious, loved baby. I lost the last one at 7 weeks. The Lord allowed me to have my baby land on a clean tissue when I was in the bathroom. Perfectly formed, little hand buds, spinal column, eyes, spots for ears and organs. Perfect. We buried the baby and named him. (Of course, we don't know if if the baby was a boy or girl really.) Name your baby. It is soothing and healing. We also got a baby bootie ornament that we hang on the tree to commemorate this child (and the last one). All of our children have ornaments. Blessings to you.

I don't think your being selfish. I'm so sorry for your/ your families loss.

Right now you need time to heal. They need to understand that and except that. You need to do what is right for you and you need to take the time you need to do it. There is no time line on healing, only you know when your ready.

I know personally I wouldn't be up to being around people. Its so hard to watch other being happy and smiling when your hurting so bad inside. To me that makes it hurt worse.

Not selfish and don't let anyone dictate how you need to cope during this time of grief - been there and know that others may try.
Let dad take the kids. I love what JoW said about two cars, but I'd keep it at home and if you feel up to it after being alone a while and want to join in - you should.
Hugs.

I'm sorry.
I've had 3 miscarriages so I know how hard it is. ((hugs))

But, look, do you really think that on Christmas Eve, having JUST miscarried, your mom is going to "scold you and make comments about how irresponsible she thinks (you) are because our kids won't have enough attention if (you) have 4.."
I highly doubt that, don't you?
Fact of the matter is that you're sad, you've suffered a loss. But you DO have 3 other kids that need to enjoy their Christmas (most likely they didn't know about the baby, right?) so I would say to go, plan to keep it brief, but be prepared to stay longer if it goes well. Let the kids see their grandparents, and other relatives. Everyone will understand and might surprise you with love and support! All the best.

You are not being selfish, you are being self-caring and we all need to remember to do that for ourselves sometimes. You are not demanding that others stay home with you, so no, you are not being selfish. Take care of yourself and know that it's okay to take of yourself when you are going through something difficult and draining. It's okay to mourn your loss in your own way.

Best,
S.

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss ~ wishing you peace and understanding.
And I am sorry about your toxic mother.
I think your kids need you right now too, so try to enjoy the holidays and do go to your husband's aunt and uncle's place for dinner. You may find surrounding yourself with loved ones is what you need.
Merry Christmas!

When my friend told her mother she was expecting her 4th, (she was married and very responsible by the way)... her mother hung up the phone on her and didn't talk to her for months. Some mothers can be so cruel.

If you need time to rest, grieve, cry, be alone, stay home, than by heavens that is your right and you don't have to feel bad for that! Especially if you are experiencing a lot of cramping/bleeding and such. Maybe your husband can swing the kids by their grandparent's house for Christmas for a little while so they can see family. If you feel up to it, you can join them for an hour or two then go back home if you need. Take it as it comes.

No you are not being selfish. I know I had to go to a family reunion after suffering my miscarriage. I was a mess, and although my family wanted to help, I really didn't need to hear about how sorry they were, how it's probably just "God's way", etc. I was miserable, and it showed.
You have the right to feel this way, and other people can just suck it up this year. I'm so sorry you are going through this. :( Take care of yourself...

You are experiencing a profound loss. I miscarried on vacation and told DH to just go with the kids. I stayed at the lake house and did nothing because I couldn't handle it. I had talked to my OB, we would be home in a few days, I knew where the ER was if I needed it. I just needed to be alone since there was nothing anybody could do and all I wanted was to cry. If you are not up for Christmas cheer, then don't go.

You know your mom best. If you do feel more up to going later in the week, tell your dad that what you need is for him to field your mom and get her to lay off any snotty comments.

Either way, you are not selfish for needing to take care of your own emotional and physical needs.

I'm sorry for your loss.

No advice here...just wanted to give you some [[[[[hugs]]]]] and tell you I am sorry that you lost your little angel.

Take care.

Personally? I think you need to take a bottle of rum and hop the next flight to spend Christmas in Jamaica. BY. YOUR. SELF.

You do what you need to do and don't you worry about anyone else. Poo poo on them. Don't even explain yourself. You know why? You're not 5. You're an adult. You don't have to explain anything.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It makes you a good mom and a better wife and a more happy woman. So, do that.

But I'm serious about the bottle of rum and Jamiaca.

In answer to the question can your mother still scold you through this? Absolutely - so steer CLEAR of her. Some moms can really take the cake and it sounds like yours is one. Also people who ask themselvesif something is selfish typically are NOT selfish. Like one of the other posters, being around people who care and CAN and DO help would help me. If no one in the family meets those criteria, then by all means, STAY HOME and do what you need to do to take care of you! I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Hope you can get some tangible support from your family to supplement all the virtual support you get from us online mamas.

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry for your loss!! {{{hugs}}}

I think you need to take care of you right now. If what you're feeling come Christmas Day is that you need to stay home, so be it. Anyone who takes issue with it needs to shove off & I'm sure your husband will handle all of that.

You may find that you're feeling a bit better in a few days or it may do you some good to be around family & help take your mind off of all this. Either way, do what makes you feel good & do it without guilt. <3

Hello, I just want to say that every child is a blessing and every loss of a child is devastating. I have four grown kids. When I got pregnant with our fourth, one of my daycare parents said to me, "It's too bad that you don't have Kaiser, because then you could get an abortion." First of all, I don't know that Kaiser would have done that. Second, as much as I had to get used to the idea of having four, I would never even considered an abortion. People can be so cruel. When the time come for Christmas gatherings, you will know what you can handle. If you can handle it, then go and concentrate on your children and their happiness. Don't worry about how your mother feels, she didn't care about how you felt when you announced your pregnancy. If you decide to have 20 babies, that is your business and your husband's business and nobody else's.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Bab, all I know is the definition of Mother is: one who gives birth. At birth, the contract has been filled and the rest is pure extras. I have put many expectations on my mother over the years, you know make cookies with me as a child, play with me, brush my hair, and as an adult and mother my self, give me advice, help me through the hard times and support me unconditionally. My mother is none of that. She is the lady that gave me birth. Period. And once I learned to accept that, Christmas with the family was much more pleasant. Do what you must, but remember, "No one", Eleanor Roosevelt said, "can make you feel inferior without your consent."

B.
Family Success Coach

You aren't being selfish - you are in mourning. Do what you like.

My heart goes out to you for your loss and mothers reaction to everything! Do what feels good to you at the time. Only you know what you need and feel. Take care of yourself and ask for help of any kind if you need it. I

If you don't feel up to going- don't go. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

No, absolutely not. It took 2 more weeks for my body to catch up to my last miscarriage and a lot longer for my emotions. That would have also been our 4th and I know how mean, rude, and stupid people are about it. GEEZZZ it's not like 4 children is the same as 10 or 15 or 20 even.

The Bible tells us that love covers a fault with SILENCE. So it would be good to look past your mothers incensitive remarks once this is over. In the meantime though, just wait. I lost a ton of blood and waited too long to go to the hospital for an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding. I don't think you need to be part of any celebrations for the logistics of just taking care of you.

I agree with Momof4. If you think you will be ok being alone on Christmas, then by all means I think you should take this time for YOU regardless if others think it is selfish or not. It isn't their place to judge. I have never miscarried so I can only imagine what you must be going through. My heart grieves for you nonetheless. Have you ever read the book Heaven is for Real? It is the true life account of a 4 year old boy that had a near death experience and claims he actually went to heaven during the ordeal. Unbeknownst to him, his parents suffered a miscarriage too and the little boy could tell them about their unborn child because he met her in heaven. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe we only see a "snapshot" of our life and only God knows the whole story. While we cannot explain why these tragic events happen, some day you will be with this child again. I am so very sorry for your loss and hope you manage to have a blessed holiday with your family.
God Bless,
A.

Firstly, consider yourself hugged! You and your husband have suffered a loss and you are perfectly entitled to grieve without worrying about what other people think or feel. Trust your instincts - if you don't feel up to going anywhere then stay home. Maybe you can compromise and visit after lunch for a little while (if you're up to it). You could always ask your sisters and anyone else you'd like to see, to come to your place in the late afternoon. Whatever you and your husband decide is best for your family is what you should do. Just remember that he has lost the baby too and might not be showing his grief because he feels he must be "strong" for the family. Let him know that its ok for him to cry or be sad or angry. He is also entitled to grieve in his own way. As long as you and hubby are there for each other, nothing else matters! I wish for you and your family a Peaceful Festive Season and a Better New Year! God Bless

Hi,

Let me start by saying so sorry for your loss. 2 years ago, the day after Christmas I miscarried my second child. I was 13 weeks. Still makes me sad. I have 1 son and he is amazing. I kept reminding myself how lucky I am to have one child so many are not so lucky. It just was not meant to be. I understand how you feel and I would feel the same (not wanting to celebrate) but your other children want and need you to be there with them. I think you should try (and I know it will be super hard) to be there with your other children and try to have a good time even if it is an act for them. They will miss you and feel bad if you are home alone. Take Care!

I'm just going to address your Mom's actions as a Mom of a grown daughter myself. If it were me, I wouldn't be happy either if my daughter had another baby. (mostly because of her health) You never get over "knowing what is best" for your kids, no matter what age they are. My guess is that she is embarrassed about her reaction, and now feels very bad, and doesn't know WHAT to say. If it were me, I would feel like no matter what I said, it would be wrong. She wasn't happy, so to say "I'm sorry" would sound hypocritical. She can't say she's happy and she probably isn't. She probably doesn't know HOW to be supportive at this point. I'd say give your mom the benefit of the doubt and realize that she is human too, and it is hard to see her child going through this.

I know it may look silly but can you take two cars? You never know, you may be fine around everyone and not know it. You may be right and will start getting emotional, with a second car you can slide out the door if it gets to be too much.

I would hate to see you cheat yourself out of the potential for some happy memories. That way you can find out what you can take with a safety net. :)

Oh and I don't think you are being selfish, just self concerned and that is a good thing.

HUGS to you. You don't have to do it all.

Don't go to your mother's home - you need love and support so go where that is.

I would say to give yourself permission to stay home if you need to, but also give yourself permission to go be with people if you need that.

NEVER underestimate the combined POWER of grief and hormones! Please be kind to yourself! My first miscarriage was exactly 1 week before Christmas and of course every other woman of childbearing age was pregnant-- it was hell.

My advice is to decide on the day and if you DO go to take seperate vehicles so you can leave when you've had enough and let hubby and the kids stay and get their fill of grandparents and cousins, etc.....

So sorry for your loss! (And your mom's reaction-- my mom never "got it" either! In spite of her own losses)

BAB I'm so sorry! As a mother, I cannot imagine reacting that way with my daughter, ever! How sad for you!

In the end, you must do what will help you heal, emotionally and spiritually. Spend Christmas morning with your three wonderful bundles of joy and hubby. Afterwards, let hubby take them off to granny's house and aunts and uncles. You stay, relax and rest. You will get through this. Right now, you are mourning a loss and you have the right to do so. Know that you are not walking this path alone. Peace be with you!

A miscarriage is a loss. It is a loss..when we get pregnant, within moments we see our family with that additional baby. We fall asleep with the fears, concerns, thoughts then excitement of this new life that we are going to have. We eat differently from that moment on..protecting our precious little person from that day forward. I have suffered 3 miscarriages in my life. I have 4 wonderful children but did find out this past July 5th (my son's birthday 16th birthday) that we were expecting our 5th. I worried what my parents would think...but quickly just laughed with my husband like, are you kidding, we are pregnant! I told him I was freaked out while laughing...We told our children and I told my son first as a special birthday present. He was thrilled! We told a few other friends, as we were vacationing with them in the days to follow. While on vacation, only 4 days after the news of the pregnancy, getting my OB appt, downloading to iBooks What to Expect When Youre Expecting (for the 4th time) I began to bleed. I bled for a few days and still held out hope. 2 weeks later when we returned, it was confirmed we had lost the pregnancy. My husband and I were devastated...

I tell you this story as therapy to me and to let you know I know how deeply sad you are..it is now time for you to handle and deal with yourself and your family as best you can. If that means you need to be at home, then you be at home. Be sure to take care of yourself and you are going to be sad for a while, but it will get better...you will never forget though..

You are in my prayers..

~J.

perhaps your husband could drop the kids off after you enjoy christmas morning at your house and then spend christmas J. the 2 of you? if the kids look foward to that time you might not want to make them miss it, but I dont think you should have to be sad alone (you should definitely have a friend or your husband to be alone with and cry or J. be held..unless you do want to be alone), and the kids deserve a good fun famly christmas like every other year. I'm sorry for your loss, i didn't want to see anyone for a week or two when I was told I'd have a misscarriage since the baby's heart stopped beating arnd 12 weeks

so sorry that this happened especially at holiday time. you are not being selfish but maybe seeing the joy on your children's faces and maybe some laughter of the day will make you feel a little better for a few moments. grief is a very personal thing but sometimes a little laughter can make it a little easier. again, I am so sorry for your loss

I am sorry for your loss. I would hate to see you miss Christmas with your parents. I do believe your Mom was insenstive...Believe me when I told my Mom I was preggo for the first time at 33 and married 2 years you would have thought I was telling her as an unwed teenager! Geez...She is probably worried about your wellbeing and was in shock herself. I would have another conversation or let it pass for the grandkids sake and then take up the subject when you are emmotionally and physically ready.

should you, yes. but, why? As mom's we rarely do what we want, we please everyone else. it is xmas, your kids will want you to come. you have to decide if you can suck it up.

No reason to go to your parents this year. but Think about going to your husband's Aunt and Uncle's , do you feel they will be judgmental ? maybe talk to your Aunt ahead of time and tell her you may need to rest (cry) in a quiet room. Then you'll get a feel for her reaction, sympathy or telling you to "buck up" ? I think staying home alone will be too sad. I've had some Christmases (after my brother died around Christmas) where I spent Christmas with my family, some sadness but enjoyed watching the kids, then went home and cried because we spent the holiday without him.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m identifying with you on a couple of levels here. When I told my mom that I was looking forward to having another baby (to be my 3rd) she tried to talk me out of it. She was trying to be subtle about but it was obvious that she didn’t want me to have another one. We also have good jobs and are not in debt. I believe this was about her because she was worried about having to care for another child during the few times she babysits for us. Well I did get pregnant and had my son after 2 girls and we thought our family was perfect and complete and my husband got a vasectomy. 4 months later, our 5 year old daughter died suddenly. So this was our first Christmas without her and it was awful and extremely sad. I have 2 pieces of advice, first on Christmas and activities (I know I’m a bit late for Christmas), do only what you feel you can. If you can’t be selfish when you’ve had a loss, when can you be? For having another baby, it’s about your family and that decision doesn’t include anyone else. I keep thinking, what if I would have listened to my mom and not had another baby? We’d be left with only one child and we wouldn’t have our precious son right now. My 2 surviving children are the only reason I still get up in the morning. Be good to yourself.

i think you need to fully mourn the loss and you havent yet. your mom is being cold and uncaring to your situation. if it was me i would put on a brave face. i would only pick up and go when my mom would become too much to handle and i would let her know that from the beginning.
however you arent me and you need to do what you feel comfortable doing. if that means staying at home do it. if your family cant understand then thats their issue not yours.