Mom and Daughter at Odds

I think you are. You should meet him just for the simple fact of he is in her life. My family did that to me because they needed time to heal but I had processed my healing and was ready to move on because I had a clearer vision of who I was and what I wanted. My family is still in the healing process and doing it without me and the hubby! because we are in forward motion. Get over it if she has, if you see clearly that she hasn't and this is a rebound help her through it! You have to be front in center to be supportive and all the friction about the ex is wasting time....

I agree she should not be dating. I would have said the same thing and my child would probally be just as mad. Since she is 25, you don't get a say.

I think it is great she wants you to meet him and is not hiding him. Unless the reason to meet him is because they are getting married or pregnant, which you did not say.

I do not have daughters but I have a Mother who was ALWAYS on my side when it came to dating. She liked the guy as long I liked him. Same with husbands, long term relationships, etc. When I dropped them - she dropped them. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. It showed me that I was the one important to my Mom, the guys where important only if they were important to me.
I think that you cannot develop YOUR relationship with your daughter's significant other because it is only through her you get to be in that relationship on the first place.
I think if you include this guy and have communications open with your daughter she will go through this transition a lot faster. She needs him like a buffer at this time. You will be showing her that you love HER not her ex (which is what you seem to showing) and that will be part of her healing as well.
Maybe you thought that their 9 y relationship will amount to something, well, it didn't, and your daughter is doing the right thing - she is moving on. So should you. Why would you rather see her mopping around and drinking herself to oblivion?

Good luck.

Expectations are the road to hell. Too often we get so attached to how we think things "should" be that we are unable to be with what is.

First, identify all the "shoulds" you have about your daughter. Examples: "She should have stayed with ....", "She shouldn't rush into another relationship."

Next, let go of the shoulds. You might even want to write them on some helium balloons and literally let them go. Or write them on a piece of paper and shred it.

Then, write down what is.

Then, allow yourself to feel all the feelings you feel about what is. Really let them flow. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to sit in the car and scream, then scream.

Now you can choose how to respond to what is rather than being stuck in reaction to it not being how you want it to be.

She is a grown woman. Yes, she is still growing and learning and may make some choices that have some "negative" results. Yep. That is life. We are all there and yet we all seem to manage to get through the times of struggle. Give your daughter the gift of respect. Allow her to be 100% responsible for her choices. Be her mom, but from a place of support rather than fix it. The reality, as you well know, is that we can never fix or fully protect our children just as noone can do it for us.

We are all here for our own journeys. We all have the capability within us to make choices, deal with consequences, and to make new choices. Allow your daughter the right to learn how to do this in a way that works for her rather than expecting her to do it in a way that works for you.

Well if you want to alienate your daughter and create a wall between the two of you..... keep it up. You're doing great.

She's 25. The boyfriend was not your son-in-law. Thank goodness it ended before they were married and had kids.

What are you thinking, really?! This isn't any of your business and you're only going to hurt yourself in the long run if you keep acting like a baby about a grown woman's relationships.

Meet the new guy. Support your daughter when she needs it. You should be telling her you love her and stand behind her and understand she is going through a tough time. Stop making this about you.

Yep, I'm confused by the way you're handling this. You're taking your daughter's ex's side over hers is what I'm hearing. You're punishing your daughter for not continuing a relationship with a guy YOU liked...?

My advice to you is to cut the strings & let your daughter live her own life. Be happy for her when she's happy, be there for her when she's in need, voice your concerns but then drop it & let her make her own mistakes, & above all, love her all the time no matter what.

It is possible that rather than this new guy just being a "rebound", that your daughter has figured out what kind of relationship she wants (based on the last relationship) and this guy may be around for a long time. It is hard to know... but it happened to me. I dated a guy and lived with him for over 4 years. Once we broke up, it became so much clearer what kind of people I needed in my life and what kind of a husband I wanted. I met my husband 1 month after the breakup, started dating within 3 months of the breakup, was married within 8 months. We have been married 10 years now.
I wonder if it would be possible to simply send your daughter a card in the mail that says, "I am sorry, I love you, and I hope to visit with you soon." If she wants to bring New Dude along, do your best to be nice just as you would with any aquaintance. It will go a long way toward repairing your relationship with her.

I've been with my husband since we were both 16 years old and juniors in high school. We moved in together at age 19. Around age 22 I had a crisis of self and dropped him like a hot potato for a hot guy in the office I was working in. I had this rebound boyfriend for about four months before realizing this wasn't the change I really wanted in my life. I didn't even tell my parents about anything that was going on because the last thing I needed was someone telling me I was wrong. Your daughter is floating on the "new relationship high" and the only way to repair your relationship is to have her new toy over for dinner, smile and be polite. You don't have to love him, but you do have to respect her choices and be civil.

Laugh with her. Have fun with them, and be there for her when she changes her mind again. Don't insert yourself into her relationship decisions. If you have to say something, say it ONCE and then drop it. She won't forget your opinion so there's no reason to nag her about it. She's an adult and you have about as much influence as to who she's going to spend her time with as she does over you.

Mom- She started dating this guy when she was 16!!! A baby, really! You do a lot of growing and maturing in those late teen and early 20's. You don't say why they broke up, but if they did after 9 years there must have been a damn good reason.
Have you said to her, "Sarah, we really like Bob and are sad that the two of you broke up. We love you and want you to be happy. How about if we meet Steve in a couple of weeks when we feel like we can welcome him the way he deserves to be."
Your friends are probably right, this is the rebound guy...BUT, it may not be. You don't want to be not welcoming to something that may turn out to be the real thing.
L.

good grief, the 1st time I read your post....I decided I would not answer it - simply because I was so shocked by your actions.

One hour later, it's still dwelling on my mind....so here goes:

Your daughter is 25. One of the most important aspects of parenting is allowing your child the freedom to learn from their mistakes. & yes, the "rebound" is usually a mistake.....& most people learn from it.

This is not all about you & your beliefs/emotions. This is all about your daughter. As long as this man does not harm her, your mouth should be shut tightly. As a result of your actions, you have now hurt your daughter - which is the exact thing you were hoping to prevent.

What have you achieved at this point? You've emotionally harmed your daughter....& created a less than optimal relationship for her. What's going to happen now that her support system is gone?

My recommendation: find a way to allow your daughter the grace of making her own choices. Find a way to earn back your daughter's respect. & most importantly, find a way to become the parent she so desperately needs......I wish you & your Family....Peace & Togetherness.

She's only 25... this new guy just sounds like rebound. She'll eventually figure out (and let her do that on her own), that she doesn't really know HERSELF until she's single for a while. Support her while at the same time guiding her, and be there when she falls. Some kids need to learn from their own mistakes (I was one of them)... I doubt this new guy lasts long either. Even if he doesn't, you even said you're sure he's a nice guy, why not give him a chance? My parents best friends were engaged within 2 weeks of meeting each other... married 2 weeks after that. Everyone thought they were nuts! 4 kids later, 4 grandkids later, and 40+ years of marriage, they are still happily married :)

My point is, stranger things have happened. Be supportive, give the guy a chance, and then if/when it does fall apart, think 'I told you so'... but be on your daughters side. There's no sense in arguing something you can't change.

People heal differently. I believe your daughter needs to respect your wishes and give you time. It is really unfair to the new guy for your daughter to be pushing this on you as if the breakup of a 9 year relationship never happened. How uncomfortable to be in his situation!

If she wants a long term relatuionship with the new guy that is her business but she needs to give you some space and stop forcing the issue. It is not all about her and what she wants. You have some say too and she needs to gow up and stop acting like a spoiled child! It seems like she wants this new guy for pick up where the other guy left off and that is sad.

She needs to figure out why the other relationship ended and spend some time figuring out who she is not hanging on to someone new because she can't stand being alone. If you do not like yourself how can someone else?

Hey there.

I completely understand and respect your feelings, but this is your daughter's life. When it comes to her relationship decisions, you and your husband are bit players. We all have times as parents when we have to grit our teeth, put on a smile, and act polite no matter how we feel. This is one of those times. So, just welcome the new guy politely; it's your daughter's call where things will go from here.

My other impression is that you've come to develop a caring, maternal relationship with your daughter's ex, and you probably miss him. And, if your daughter is okay with it, it's not wrong to continue that relationship. Have your husband take him out golfing, send him a Christmas card, put in a good word for him if he's job searching -- whatever fits in naturally. There are too few intergenerational friendships these days, I think.

Your daughter was with the former guy from 16-25 and the next progression was not marriage. I'm glad you like the guy but I feel you should trust your daughter's decisions...doesn't mean you need to love the rebound guy. She obviously values your opinion and that's great for a 25 year old. Explain calmly and reasonably that you would like to wait a bit before meeting him but you love her and want what's best for her. After being with someone for so long she probably feels comfort in someone fussing all over her. Try to keep open communication lines open with her, I would hate to lose that.

Okay - deep breathe - let it out slowly....

I get it. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, we had dated for YEARS - my parents LOVED him - we had a youthful relationship we started dating at 16...we broke up at 21. I STILL talk to him. As do my parents. And I'm 45 now.

You are right - it IS HER CHOICE. It is HER LIFE. Look at this relationship as a rebound. The relationship with the previous boyfriend was not working out for her and instead of keeping it going, she let go. This doesn't mean you still can't keep in touch with the ex-boyfriend. That's YOUR choice.

I would say this is rebound or she met him while she was dating the other guy and the grass was greener in her eyes. No matter - bite your tongue and support your daughter. Don't say "I told you so" when this one flames out in 6 months.

My daughter is 25 too. She was engaged to a great guy. Notice I said was? She lives near her father and not me - which is fine - the guy was nice and good to her. They dated for 5 years. She called it off. It's her choice.

If you want to think you forced it - you might have - so if you want to "fix" it - embrace him - tell her how wonderful he is and such - parents do it with teenagers all the time - reverse psychology...the more you like the "bad boy" the faster she looses interest? Try it. You might find that he's not so bad or you may just be happy for your daughter...let her make her own choices and be there for her when they don't work out!!

GOOD LUCK!

She's 25 years old. The days of controlling her actions are long over. You're just just going to have to go with the flow on this one.

EVERY single time our friends were with a "bad fit" they eventually went their own way FASTER the LESS we said. We have it down to a science now.

I think you are wrong for not wanting to meet her new guy friend. It doesn't matter how much you liked her old bf or how nice of guy he was, he wasn't the right man for her. You need to accept that is was her decision and hers alone, they way it should be. It is OK for her to break up with a good man if he's not the right good man for her. Yes, for a lot of people it would be too soon to start dating again, but everyone is different. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong. It seems like you are kind of pouting by simply refusing to meet someone she has asked you to meet. He could be a great guy. What is the harm in sharing a cup of coffee or a meal with them? An hour or two of your time? You don't need to spend an entire weekend together or anything. I don't get it. He may be a "transition guy." He may be a long time mate, or her future husband. You really don't know. And it really doesn't matter. She just wants you to meet him, not walk her down the aisle in her wedding to him next weekend, not move her into his house, just meet him. I think you should.

I would handle things differently. I like to embrace the guy. But then I sit him down and lay all the cards on the table. If he knows he might be the transition guy and that you are concerned, he may at least give the relationship as much thought as possible.

The thing is, you have a right to voice your concerns like once with each the them and then again only if they bring them up.

Just meet the young man. Have coffee or something and feel him out. He is just a quick fling for the time being.

Don't make this about you because it is not. It's your daughter's life and she has to learn her way through the mine fields of dating. I have a daughter that is 34 and she would love to marry but the fellas she has met don't quite stand up to her standards. This latest one said a few things and she took his items back to his house and they worked out a new relationship. She is not going to be someone who goes runny and wiping noses or asses and he has found that out. Since she lives in a different state and city I don't have the opportunity ot met these men but I sure enjoy the antics of what they do and don't do that are funny.

Do your own thing. Have your daughter over for coffee and bury the hatchet. She needs you right now and let that be enough. Don't say "I told you so." She already knows.

The other S.

PS Who said parenting was over when a child was 18 was out of their mind. Once a parent always a parent. The situations change as they grow older and you have more wisdom to help guide them because you have been there, done that and have the tee shirts.

I won't call you "wrong," but there is no point in damaging your relationship with your daughter over a guy.

They are her boyfriends, and it's her life. You don't have to go into his arms, just meet him. Maybe he's great.

It sounds like a quick turnaround, but it's not the worst thing in the world. I did more idiotic things than that, at that age.

Meet him.

Wow. She is 25. It's her life. You have to get over this, it is not about YOU. The only thing you are accomplishing, is pushing her away.

Let her live her life. Live your own.

My daughter is going through something similiar. She too just broke up with her bf (which was a good thing due to a lot of things) and is now dating a new guy not even two weeks later. I would have liked for her to take some time out for herself first to get her thoughts and everything together. More importantly to get herself healed so when she does meet someone new she would be able to offer him her complete self and not just some broken pieces. But she has chosen to not go down that route. She is wanting us to meet this new guy as well. From the sounds of him, he sounds like a really good guy with a good head on his shoulders but my concern lies with her ability to have a healthy relationship in the state of mind she is in. I am only reluctant to meet him because I have two younger kids. My youngest dtr gets attached really easily and doesn't accept change real well. She is still having issues with the whole idea that the old bf will no longer be around. So I have a lot to juggle here. I'm leaning to meeting the guy myself but putting off him meeting my other two kids. At least until I can see where this relationship is heading. Would hate to have my youngest meet him, like him and all just to have him disappear all of the sudden. The only thing I can tell you to do is to allow her to make this decision and support her as much as you can. I've learned to keep my mouth shut a lot. When I find that I have to say something to my dtr, I will tell her, look I need to say this and I am only going to say it this once but I need you to know how I feel. So far it has worked for us. Ride it out mom and just be there for her when she needs you. I know it's hard. You know what she "should" do because you are an outsider looking in and from life experiences but she has to figure it out on her own. It's hard as a mom to sit back and watch what you know will happen but sometimes thats all we can do. Invite them over for dinner one evening. Give him a chance. You might be surprised. If/when it falls apart be there for her but don't say you told her so, even though it's screaming inside you. Being a mom is so hard. Hang in there!

You need to back off with this. We went through this with our daughter when she was 17-18. I HATED the guy she was dating. I tried to be nice and not say anything but after several months I just couldn't hold back. That was a big mistake that I will NEVER make again. Drove her towards him not away. He became the "bad boy".

She has been in a long term relationship so give her some time to feel things out. Call her and let her know that you are sorry that you were taken by surprise. Tell her that if he is someone special to her then he is special to you. Let her know that you are on HER side. Also, let her know you love her and just want to protect her. It doesn't matter how old they are, they are still our kiddos and we want to be sure they are okay. Its a momma thing!!!

She's 25. You need to back off, apologize, and invite him over. It's not HIS fault he's transition guy, and unless he's a crazy druggie nutbag (which, by the way, you won't know till you meet him), you shouldn't hold the break-up against him, which is what you're doing.

I think by taking the first step with your daughter and apologizing and inviting them both over for dinner may do a lot to put things back on track for your relationship. Good luck!