Mom Doesn't Understand Loss After Miscarriage

N.,

I too just suffered an early miscarriage. No one really understands what this feels like or what we are going thru. We are TTC #2 and were so happy to get a + HPT.

Just tell your mom that you need some time and you will talk to her when you are ready. Take some time and feel sad, mad and all that stuff. I'm still in the middle of my pity party.

I am here if you need to talk.

A.

Oh sweety I am so sorry to hear about your loss...I to have been through the devastation and heartache...I have been through it 7 times in the past 4 years..Oh my there are no words to really explain the amount of pain that comes with the loss of a child...My first miscarriage I was like 2 months pregnant, I heard the heartbeat on Friday, I started bleeding Sunday morning and I had my DNC Monday morning..the following 5 miscarriages I had went like this..."Honey I am pregnant!"..and EVERYTIME the following Sunday "OMG Honey I am bleeding again!!!!"...I stopped going to the hospitol after the first one because I knew what to look for...I went through test after test and was referred to the infertility clinic...I didn't go until the 7th time I found I was pregnant started bleeding the following Sunday but this time it was different...I didn't stop bleeding...I finally went to the infertility clinic and let him do some more testing and blood work to find I technically still pregnant and the hormone level was low so I had to wait another few days and find the the hormone level went up but not enough and had to wait another few days to find that it was dropping again and there was pretty much no chance for survival of this baby..so he set up for a hysteroscopy, where they go in with a scope and check things out and to see why I was still bleeding...he was able to clear me out a little and get rid of a little bit of scar tissue from the DNC I had with my first miscarriage, cleared up some polyps and put me on a baby aspirin for very minor blood clots....all of this in June and I was so numb to everything at this point the only way I got through it was to work longer hours and pick up extra shifts and I also started working out pretty much everyday which helped with my stress level and I found out October 13th I was pregnant again and somehow I just knew it was going to be different..I wasnt worried at all..the doctor ordered blood tests to confirm a healthy pregnancy and when the results came in the receptionist gave the good news and also informed me that through some of the testing they did on the remains of my most recent miscarriage (the one I had in June) that it would have been a girl and I was only like a month or two along and that goes to show you that it doesnt matter how far along you are in your pregnancy when such a tragedy happens, fact is, it was a baby, it was a life, and you are allowed to mourn that loss, and like with any death, you will never forget it but with time the pain will subside...and you will cry less and less especially when/if you decide to have another...somehow the experience of carrying my, now 7 month old, son helped tremendously with my pain and suffering...I hope to get pregnant with another girl someday...anyhow I am just babbling now...if you ever wanna chat let me know...I know it can be difficult to talk about with people who havent gone through it....My prayers are with you...Hope I helped in some way...:)

Hi N.,
I am a nurse who happens to work in obstectrics, so I do see moms who have miscarriages. It is perfectly normal that you feel sad, and at a loss, for your baby. It is normal to think of him or her, and what would have been, and to grieve, or feel sad for the loss. You may want to get a book, perhaps from a library, to read about the feelings that you are having, or call a local hospital and ask about a fetal berievment support group. Some hospitals have support groups that you can attend, which helps, by meeting with others who have had the same experience. People deal with loss at different paces, but by addressing it in some way, should help you to work through your grief. J. C.

N. - First, I am very sorry for your loss. Your Mom is wrong, you have every right to mourn that loss!! I am sorry that your Mom doesn't understand that - hopefully over time she will. If you can't tell her face to face that she is hurting you, do you think you could write it in a card? Let her know that even though you didn't realize you were pregnant, you still need time to mourn the "child" that you lost.

My Mom is a "mind over matter" kind of person too - she thought I could "will" myself to get over my severe morning sickness, until she found out I was expecting twins and my OB told her that morning sickness is real and much more severe with multiple birth pregnancy. Then she didn't understand why I had some crying spells after the delivery...hmmm, huge change in hormones maybe? LOL. I just think that women from their generation didn't speak of and weren't given time to properly address issues like miscarriage and post-partum depression. So, yes, while it would be wonderful for her to be supportive, that may not be a simple task for her - seek support from your husband and friends to fill that gap.

Best of luck,
L.
Carleton mom of Joshua & John - age 9

I had a miscarriage a couple years ago. I was about 2 months pregnant, and had taken 4 pregnancy tests that came up negative. We actually had started thinking that we might only want one child, anyway. But, the second the ER nurse came in and told me I was pregnant, based on the blood tests they did, it all changed. We had to wait three days, and get a second blood test, to see if the levels climbed or fell. In that few short days, we discovered we really DID want another baby. Trouble was, it wasn't going to happen. My older sister didn't understand, either. And I just couldn't really explain it either. I think, in hindsight, what those that don't understand need to be reminded of is that special feeling you get when you find out you are pregnant. In that first moment you know, you are already in love with that baby. It's just they way a mother is. Then ask that person, now imagine taking that moment of greatest love and sharing it with a moment of loss. I mean, geez, we didn't even know we WANTED that baby until we lost it, and my husband and I were both very sad about it. It shouldn't be too alian a concept for you mom to understand if you can just look into yourself and try to find the words to tell her what you are feeling. Or, you might even ask her to read this forum.

Dear N.,

I also had a very early miscarriage in november after a year of trying to conceive and we have a wonderful 2 1/2 year old little girl. It is natural to feel disappointed, saddened and grief over the loss and truly, unless you have been there, people don't get it. I would recommend a book to you I just finished called "When the cradle is empty" it is about miscarriage, infertility and in general a terrific book. I would also caution you, not many people get it and you are likely to suffer form pretty frustrating situations. I am a Pediatrician and I still struggle every time I see a newborn in the office and the mother was smoking marajuana and cigarettes throughout the whole pregnancy. I get very down hearted and recently had a crisis of Faith because I had lots of questions for God. I am sorry your mom is not understanding. It might help if she were to read one chapter in the book about the ten things people who are trying to conceive or just lost a pregnancy NEVER want to hear. Hope this helps
Sincerely,
K.

It's hard, I think until people have gone through losing a baby, they don't understand. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I was devastated. I had just started telling people I was pregnant, and then a week or so later, I started spotting. I was about 14 weeks, and had a D&C. I remember waking up after the procedure and just felt different, It was then that it just hit me that I had lost a baby. With time, the pain will lesson, but 5 1/2 years later, I still wonder about what the baby would have looked like, whether it would have been a boy or a girl. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Almost a year later, my husband and I had our first son, who turned out perfect, and three years after that we had a little girl, who is also perfect. Even with my two children, the child we lost will still occasionaly enter my thoughts. I have come to believe though, that all things eventually work out for the best. Try not to let your mom get to you. If she can't understand what you are going through, maybe try to explain to her that you are feeling more than the loss of an early pregnancy, but you are feeling the loss of the child that might have been.

I had a miscarriage in March of 06. I was 12 weeks. It is an awful thing to have to go through no matter how far along you are. It is still a loss. Your in my thoughts hopefully mom realizes how the comments effect you.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't think that people that haven't gone through the experience have any clue of how painful it is. Your mom probably doesn't understand what your going through at all. Talking to others that have gone through it also might help you?

I had a family member that had a miscarriage and we were all sympathetic but didn't really understand the severity of her pain.

A year later I was 2 months pregnant with my son and for an entire day I thought I was having a miscarriage (pain, cramping and bleeding) and my Dr office told me I was having a miscarriage....but after a trip to the emergency room I learned that it was just a bad bladder infection and the baby was fine.

Until that day I had NO CLUE what devastation & sadness a miscarriage brings. I have never cried so hard in my entire life before or since that day.

Needless to say I went back to my family member and let her know how sorry I was that I wasn't more understanding and sympathetic to her loss the year before and she told me that no one was very understanding of her mourning.

I just wanted to let you know that sometimes people "just don't get it" but it doesn't mean that they don't care about your feelings.

Tell her what you just told us! Say the same things, sort of. That even if she can't understand what you're feeling, you ARE feeling hurt over the loss of your potential child and need some time to get beyond that. Tell her how her comments make you feel and how it isn't helping you any, that it is in fact making it worse. I'm sure she'll understand once you tell her how her words are hurting you.

N.,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages. I had one at almost 4 months into the pregnancy, and then another with twins, at 13 weeks. This is a hard time. And you will always think and wonder about him, or her. You do need time to grieve, this is a loss like no other. I am sure that things will be okay, but for right now, focus on you. GIve yourself time and space. And tell your husband good job. With my miscarriages, my boyfirend looked at it like no big deal, And that is great that he is feeling the feeling with you and you are working through this togeather.

Hi N., I know what you are going through, I just had found out I was pregnant, and had made an appointment with my doctor for a checkup, well a few days later I started spotting, I wasn't to concerend but I still called a nurse and she wanted me to come in for some blood test, I should have been 6 weeks along but my blood work wa sshowing very low levels, so I had to go in and have them checked again and sure enought they had dropped again my half, she sent me home and I just waited for the baby to pass naturaly which it did. But none the less it's still an emotional situation. there will alwyas be those people who tell you to get over it, or suck it up, at least you have a baby, I think the major issue is that people just don't know how to repspond to something like that, don't let your mom get you down, take your time and heal however you need to, I got a tattoo of my Son's feet with angel wings to represnt my son now and also my lost child. I also found out that talking about it helps, there are so many miscarriage sites on the internet these days, one that really helped was one on Americanbaby.com. Take care of yourself!