Mom Guilt Tripping My Son

When she wants to force the one more hug/kiss issue, just tell her "the kids are maxed out right now, I'd rather them rest so they don't get wound up again." Or, invite her to walk to them on the couch and give the final hug there.

If you approach talking to her like it's going to be a big issue, then it will be.
But, if you gently explain in a short sentence while it's happening, then it will be just a part of the conversation.

The sippy cup thing, I would let that slide. You two have different views on it, most people I know would have done the same thing as your mom. So don't nitpick her for things like that. She can't possibly know every single rule you do or do not have. If she snapped at your son angrily, just follow up with, "Mom, it's fine he can have it, your tone was a little angry though and he picks up on those things."

As for the baby throwing food, I admit, it's weird she snapped at a 9 month old for throwing food. I would have just said calmly, "Mom, he's a baby, he doesn't really know anything else at this point, no need to get snappy."

If she is becoming increasingly sensitive, with a lot more yelling, I would calmly tell her that you love her, but are worried because she seems upset quite a lot. Maybe she is going through menopause, or having a very rough time dealing with retirement and feeling alone even more so with the death of her daughter because she isn't busy anymore.

If she snaps at your 3 year old when he is rough, then so be it. What you said here, "Also they fight all the time. I mean she just snaps really easily. Like he is rough with his brother I know this, but before he even has a chance to get his act together she is snapping at him." She is protecting a 9 month old, you don't give a 3 year old a chance to get his act together when he is being rough with a baby... you intervene immediately, which is what your mom did.

Overall, it sounds like she is an attentive and great grandmother, that doesn't like to put up with disturbances so she nips it in the bud quickly and maybe a little too harshly. Just tell her that if you need too, but choose your battles.

A general pattern of communication that can be respectful of ALL needs of all parties might look something like this: Acknowledge the contributions and needs of your mother. Use the magic word "AND." Tell her clearly what your needs (or your son's needs) are. Use a kind, friendly, and matter-of-fact voice. You don't have to be apologetic for wanting reasonable needs met, and you don't have to feel exasperated about the way she tries to get her needs met.

In practice, that might sound like this:

"Mom, we all know how much you adore long goodbyes and kisses. And, it's time for DS to get to bed now. One last kiss goodnight, and we're off!" (Start this before DS is all hugged out.)

Or, "You're so affectionate with my boys, Mom. I love that. And I need yo to be aware when they've had enough. There's lots of research that shows that when kids aren't allowed to draw their own boundaries, they are more likely to be victimized by child molesters. I need you to help my sons be clear about how much hugging is too much for them."

Or, "I love how much you care for your grandchildren, Mom. We appreciate you so much. And I need less fighting during your visits. Will you please find a way to react more patiently to DS? Some days, I feel like I'll snap at you, and I don't like that feeling, because I love you so much."

Or, "Mom, you're such a great help to me. Look at all you've done just today, ____, ____, and ____. I feel so lucky. AND, sometimes I feel just about nuts. My baby's not even a year yet, and a long way from being a neat eater. Will you please read this book on child development (or this webisite on developmental milestones)? I need mealtimes to stay more relaxed and happy for my familly."

or, "Mom, I love all the work and care you put into raising me. I'm grateful for how well I turned out. AND, a great deal of new research has been done now on the subject of parenting. I need to have my turn now to apply what I know. I hope you'll give me and my children the opportunity to learn our own ways. (And here's a wonderful book about it)."

Your mom might be less than thrilled at hearing messages like these. She may pout. Just love her, give her a hug if she'll allow it, and acknowledge that it's hard to let go of control. Remind her that she can be proud of a daughter who thinks for herself. Keep smiling. Don't allow her to control you with childish behavior – that will hurt you and your children, and ultimately your mom, too. Treat her childishness with the same patience and care that you do your children's, and ultimately, things should be okay between you. She sounds like a great mom – I wish mine were more like yours.

I would talk to her. Can you guys go out for a meal and chat? Let her know how much you love her and appreciate her help, and that you notice that they fight all day. Then give her your take, that you let X happen, and that this is how son responds. Every kid has its quirks. If you don't want your son to go outside, you could just say, give grandma a hug goodbye, adn tell your mom that he isn't going outside. This is your house and if you are there, you need to regulate it a bit more. If you talk to your mom and let her know that you are doing this out of love, she may pout a bit, but it also may strengthen your relationship.

When I go to leave after a visit, if everyone doesnt look like they are gonna walk out to the car I just go to the couch or wherever they are and give them that hug. When kids are 3 they shouldnt be pressured to do something that will actually become natural to them in just a couple of more years. I've never forced over affection on my grandkids~~ yet ;)
I think just explaining to mom to remember that he's only 3 and not to expect so much from him right now would be about all that is necessary. As far as Grandma and Grandson arguing with each other, I think that is OK.... it's probably a little "fun" for both of them and is also teaching communication skills as well.
Grandma's will put their 2 cents in now and then, most of it, since she doesnt live with you, can probably just be brushed under the rug. A little reprimand from Grandma now and then shouldnt be a big deal, the kids will get used to it..... it's just showing them the difference between you and Grandma..... most of it is pretty harmless stuff probably if you really think about it.
It's awesome that your kids will have a close relationship with their grandmother.... she cant be all bad, she did raise a perfect daughter, right?

It sounds like you really love your mom and you really appreciate her help. As a grandma myself who helps my daughter with my one and only 16 month old grandson, I know that two adults can have different ideas. I resolved when my grandson was born that I would do whatever my daughter asked and whatever she decided to do. If she asks for my opinion, I give it, but I try very hard not to make comments about her child-rearing choices. (I vent by talking to my friends with a 'can you believe..?') I suggest that you choose a time when you and your mom can go out to lunch without the kids (maybe on Saturday when dad can babysit), and you tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. She will probably become defensive, but try to focus on what is best for the boys. They need consistency, and having 2 adults who are at odds is not good for them. Since she loves them more than life (that's what grandmas do!), if you frame it as wanting to make life better and simpler for the boys, that should appeal to her. It may cause her to have hurt feelings, and I understand your reluctance, but it will be better for all of you to have less conflict.

Mom is being childish. When these events are not happening, you need to have a discussion with her about your rules being the the ones that your children obey and her not trying to guilt the kids.

It sounds like your mom spends a lot of time with you and your children. If this is the case, do you need her there so often? I don't agree with some of the other posters about your mom's role in all of this. YOU are the parent to these children, unless your children are in immediate danger, YOU should be the one doling out the discipline, not your mom.

One thing that you say your mom snaps at your children. You need to put a stop to this. They are children and it is your job to protect them from unkind words, tone, hands, etc. I am sure your mom would never intentionally hurt your children, but when they are doing nothing wrong and they get yelled at, it's hurtful.

As far as the hugging goes, with my kids, I do not make them give affection unless they want to. If they say no, it's no. That is how I am teaching my kids that they are in control of themselves and their bodies. I don't want to be forced to hug/kiss/touch someone, so why should I do that to my kids. You should talk to your mom and tell her that the pouting needs to stop, that your children are watching and learning that just by pouting you can get what you want.

Good luck, dealing with parents and inlaws is a very tricky thing. I am very close with my mom and she has been very respectful of boundaries, etc. but we have still have a few tiffs over how we choose to raise our children.

We all have our quirks. It truly sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Mom's just irritate their daughters sometimes just like daughters irritate their moms. Mom just wants you and the kids to know how much she loves you by doing in your eyes some very quirky things. They really are no big deal. I wouldn't worry about it. As for your son back talking grama I do have a problem with that. He should show respect for his elders and can learn to express himself properly without yelling at her.

Her giving you a hand has too many strings attached. I'd say you need to sit down with her a let her know that you appreciate her help however she needs to act like a grown up with you and your family.

I think the root of the issue is that your mom just has too much time on her hands and without the structure of work she hasn't set up a routine. She isn't seeing as many people in the course of her day as she use to so all her time and energy has redirected to you.

We went through the same thing with my mom when she retired and now that my dad passed away she's really a bitter person; very hard to be around. When she starts complaining we just don't say anything and she'll usually stop. It's hard because she use to be upbeat and very interesting but as her world has gotten smaller she's just not the same.

Wishing you the best as you deal with this. Always remember that you need to speak up and stand up for your children because you are their mom and you know best.

Are you still trying to gain your mother's approval? Do you struggle with not being the favored child? Is there something in your history that has never been dealt with? Do you need to pacify her at the expense of your kids? Hopefully not, but if so, that is where you need to start.

Then you need to teach your children what it looks like to have a backbone. There is a time and a place for gently correcting your mom (away from your kids when you and she are calm). If she is "hurt" then so be it. You know deep down what is right - trust your instincts. Some things are really a non-issue but those that hurt your children are the ones you must deal with.