Mom of Very Defiant 5 Year Old

Hi J.,

I have also heard a lot of good things about "A Strong Willed Child", but I haven't read it. My first is very strong willed. He also told me that he didn't want to be told what to do, etc, etc. I found some quick success with using his own strategy on him. He asked me for something and I told him told him no because I didn't want him to tell me what he wanted. It led to a great discussion about co-operation and doing what he was told. He is very smart and very logical. I told him that if he didn't co-operate with others, no one was going to co-operate with him. Life has been much easier since. If he starts to revert, I remind him that the only way to accomplish anything is with co-operation and it seems to work.

Good luck!!

It's called punishment. If she doesn't listen to what you tell her to do then she spends the rest of the day or the next day in her room, no TV, no friends over no playing games, nothing but sitting in her room. Or if there is a Bday party that weekend that she wants to go to and she doesn't listen or gets in trouble at school oh well no party. The two most important things are to give the punishment soon after the offense and stick to the punishment no matter how much whining or crying. A few weekends alone in her room and she will start to listen better. Good Luck

This will sound extreme, but consider the risk of doing nothing. We did this at my house and it worked well.

Take away all of her toys: every toy, stuffed animal, book, ball, whatever, except one teddy bear or security blanket. I mean everything. Strip her room and your living room/playroom bare. Don't let her play with your younger daughter's things. Lock it up in a guest room, the trunk of your car, etc. Tell her that when she is good for a day she can pick one at a time. Tell her that if she is defiant, you will take back whichever one you choose. Tell her that in life, when you do good things, you get good things, and when you do bad, bad things happen. Tell her that this is how it is, and she had better learn it. Wherever you put the toys taken away, let her see it once a day to remind her of what she has to pick from when she decides to do the right thing. Tell her it is up to her to get her things back. This is to teach her that you, not she, is in control. This is a lesson she will need to learn, and the sooner the better.

This will aggravate you because all of her stuff will be in your way for awhile. But consider the risk of her not getting this important life lesson. Good luck!

Buy a copy of Parenting with Love and Logic. They also have a 'toddler' version of this book, but the original Love and Logic Parenting book by Jim Faye addresses very logical ways to handle discipline, and hold your child accountable for her actions. Teaches you how to better treat the behavior negatively, not the child :).

Hi J.,

My husband and I have found great success with the "love and logic" program (www.loveandlogic.com). It teaches loving enough to give natural consequences to unwanted behavior. I am an educator and first used this program in my third, fourth and fifth grade classrooms with amazing success (one of my parents gave me a tape set one year for Christmas)! Once we had our first daughter it was an easy transition to apply at home as well. We now have three beautiful daughters (8, 5, & 2) who all benefit from this style of parenting. Check out their website... they have books (I would recommend starting with the Early Years book), dvd's and travel around the country giving workshops as well. Being consistant is the key to success with this program and parenting in general!

Best wishes!
Cris
www.laurensphoto.com

Ok, All children are strong-willed so even though I read James Dobson's book, I realized I was the mom of 4 of these creatures and there is a way to deal with it. Get up tomorrow morning and tell yourself, It's going to be a new day. I like the advice of the moms who say to give choices to your daughter, Would you like the green or yellow shirt, orange or apple juice, toast or bagel. Etc. That works well because you are giving choices. If she balks at this and won't get dressed or won't eat. Say fine, Go to school in your pjs. or don't eat, by lunch you are going to be really hungry and keep on moving. Say a prayer that she will live to be 6 and keep up a dialog with her. Do check with your pediatrician. There are many things that are being discovered about these children. ADD, ADHD, ODD, PIA (that is, pain in the a--:) anyway, It does get better. They do grow up and then other problems come along but there is no reason to bore you with that:) So, be more defiant than your daughter and keep on truckin' Put the kids to bed early in the evening and enjoy an hour or two with that great guy you are married to. Find a baby sitter and take a night out every once in awhile and give your daughter responsibilities. She wants to be boss, tell her she is boss of her room, it needs to be organized, neat and orderly. She can decide where to put her clothes, her bed, her toys and she must talk with you about these major decisions. That way she has something that is her decision. if her decisions are wrong, explain why you don't think it will work and let her do it anyway, once she sees her mistakes, she will see that mom is smarter and might look to you for advice. We all need a bit of freedom, just make it safe and secure freedom for miss smarty pants. Ahh, don't you wish we knew it all like they do?
Have a happy life, enjoy it, all these days go by so quickly...

Small children don't accept reasoning well b/c their logic is different from adults. What makes sense to us may not make sense to them.

While it's VERY true that she will have authority over her all of her life, and submitting to appropriate authority is a crucial part of character development, she also has to learn to make wise choices. If this has not always been her mode of behavior, she may be at a developmental stage of needing to experience some autonomy.

Whenever feasible, offer her the opportunity to make some choices. Would you like to wear the green outfit or the blue one today? Which book would you like for me to read to you? Etc. Limit the number of choices to what is acceptable in that specific situation.

Maybe by feeling that she has some control in life, she might become more agreeable in situations where she can't have a choice.

Rephrase how you ASK her to do things.Use your manners..'please do thing'..'please get that'..make it sound like you dont care if she does it or not.The other thing would be to take away priveledges and fun stuff..good luck..
S. B

I am a lover of the free spitited child. They are so difficult to raise, but in the end, they tend to be the most creative. Maybe, instead of telling her what to do, you could give her choices. No matter what the situation, a choice can always be made.
"Make your bed, or don't go outside to play." "Eat your dinner or go without dessert."

Also, remember that not everything that you think is important really is. There are some things that you cannot compromise on, but you have to learn to pick your battles. In raising my 5 kids, I have found that the more freedom I give them, the less I have to fight with them. Here is an example: They cannot do anything permenant to themselves, i.e. tatoos, piercings, etc. But, they can wear whatever they want, as long as it covers all of them and they can do whatever they want to with their hair. They have had hair every color of the rainbow and a million different styles, but no one has ever snuck a tatoo or piercing in.

So, try to get your child to make the right choices without forcing them into a box. I'm sure the teacher will also like a new way of dealing with this since I am sure that your child is not the first not the last with such a strong personality.
Good Luck
J.

Hi J.

I have a nephew who behaved the same way in schooland at home. My sister took him to have some testing done and found out that he has a learning disorder. It is referred to as O.D.D. or in long form, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. A five yr old can't distinguish these feelings of being "told" what to do and become very frustrated which causes the "not going to do" outbursts. Good Luck and I hope that this gives you another path to follow up on and my hope is for your success ib finding the cause.

K. 47 yr old, some early education schooling

I’ll throw out another extremely helpful book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. I’ve recommended this book to other Mamasource families because I have had such great success over the years with it, both personally, as a mom, and professionally, as a teacher.

One other thing that I can’t help but recommend: you might want to do a little online background reading about the author before you read any book. See which philosophy or ideals or politics or whatever you want to call it, are more in line with your own. The authors of the book that I recommended, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, are probably a 180 degree turn from James Dobson. Please understand that I am not saying one author is more qualified than the other,just that we need to understand someone’s approach to children rearing before we take their advice.

I used this technique with my son who was very independent also. Give them two choices. For instance - would you rather dress before you have breakfast or after you eat? This way she gets to think through and make the decision. Smart children start becoming their own person separate from their parents early. When bad behaviors come, same thing. "You have two choices. You can go to your room, or you can get your shoes on so we can go to the store. It is your choice." Early though it may be this makes her start taking responsiblity for her choices. I love that part of this. Just make sure you think for a moment before you put out the two choices! (Who said parenting isn't fun!)

I had that child! Reading the book Raising Spirited Children was very helpful for me to understand her thought process. I also looked into ADHD and ODD--she had neither. The book that "saved" us was 1-2-3 Magic. It really worked. It was torture for a while but we stuck to our part, stayed calm and it worked. She's 12 now and doing really well. Prayer is also very helpful. :)

Hi J.,
Strong willed children are smart and intelligent children. The can smell weakness in a adult. The best solution is being consistant. I personally like and use solutions from a book called "Boundries with Kids." I do not know your faith, however this book is a Christian based book and can be found in the Christian section of most book stores.

What ever method you decide to use, start right away. It won't get better without intervention from you.

My best advice is to read James Dobson's "The Strong Willed Child". My second son was the same way, and if I'd had him first he would have been an only child! The good thing is that a strong willed child will not follow the crowd or give in to peer pressure. The bad thing is that they absolutely MUST learn to submit to authority, and it will be a battle to teach her how to do that. But it is a battle that you must fight and WIN! There are probably other good books out there, but that was the one that saved my sanity. Get it, read it, follow it! Good luck and God bless!

I have been using a behavior chart with my kids. When they reach a goal, they get a prize. They don't have to be big prizes. Just something she can work toward.

i was like this. instead of demanding things from me my mother and others who took care of me would ask me if i wanted to do something. i was much more willing to say yes and even if i said no they would say well sometimes we have to do things we dont want to do... good luck

I have one the same age with the same issues. What we do when she refuses to do what she is told is we take away something special to he for a day or so. Then we sit her down and explain we all must have rules and that mommie and daddy have rules too and it's to teach them. We believe in God and the Bible as well and we show her what the Bible says about obeying. It's never a permanent fix but solves what we are dealing with at the time.

Stop reasoning with her. You are the mom & dad, she is the child. It is her responsibility to listen and obey, and your responsibility to give clear direction. Don't give her suggestions, give her direction. e.g...."Can you, or Will you, do such & such?" --suggestion, "Bring me...," "Do...", etc.--direction. There is only one way to deal with a "strong leader"--be stronger. You have to break her will-NOT her spirit-her will. The only way is to win-don't give in. It doesn't get easier. I have a strong willed 11 year old who was quite a little booger at that age. But, I won and now we rarely have challenges. A great book that helped me was-"Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I still refer to this book with my younger children. Put your helmet on, you are in a battle you can win. God Bless!

I have a 4 year old who is very similar, I have to tell him over and over again to do something, Also he has started talking back, so we use ( Sassy Juice) Vinegar and water, can't hurt him it just taste bad and it seems to be working. I believe children have a control issue and if they don't feel like they are in control it becomes a problem, You may have to start taking things away that she likes, such as TV, video games, going out side to play. Tell her if she does not listen and do what you or the teacher says, Everyday after school she is to come home, get her homework done and go straight to her room with no tv or toys. They begin to get bored and will start listning. good luck with this and let me know if you have anymore question. Peds nurse J.

Hi, J.~
Is it possible to develop an area in which your daughter can always be the boss for a little while? Perhaps of what vegetable for dinner this week, what color shirt she is wearing next week, things like that. Explain to her that for that time, she will be in complete control of that aspect of life, but will have to be obedient to you and Daddy and her teacher for the others things. This will give her a taste of being in charge, and may make it become boring to her, or get it out of her system. It would be worth a try before you start with therapy, etc., for something that is most likely a phase.
God bless!
S.

Hi, I am a mother of a similar child of 8 years old. She recently turned 8 in January. I thought a book might be of some use for you. I read it and found it very insightful. The book is called "Your Defiant Child: 8 Steps To Better Behavior". It offers a lot of really great information.

Good Luck and hang in there!