Mom Seekin Advice for Advice on Having New Boyfriend After Divorce

How do you know this? Is your boyfriend telling you this? Do you eavesdrop through doors to watch your son being mean to your boyfriend? If the boy is being abused by the boyfriend and then the boyfriend is making it up about your son being mean, that would be a heartbreaking situation. I think you should give up the boyfriend either way since your son does not like him. You have a solemn duty to love your son and protect him, you owe nothing to this boyfriend, and you do not need him to make you complete or happy or whatever reason you think you need a man in your life for.

ok wait....
I read "around me, MY SON is fine and mannerable, when Im not around he's mean" so I'm understanding that your son turns disrespectful toward your boyfriend....right???

You should definitely have a talk with your son about his true feelings and what may be causing this. I hope that you already have this kind of relationship with him because it is not an overnight thing. Come to think of it, if you don't have a close relationship with your son, he could be resenting that you do with your boyfriend and feels that around M. I just need to be polite and she'll leave me be.

Now do you trust your boyfriend? Do you feel he is sincere about his feelings for your son? Is he good to him? is he fun and child friendly or also just "putting on a show" around M. per say? Just ask yourself these questions and if you sincerely feel he's good to your son and for your son, then just work on them finding something in common that they can enjoy maybe even without you...so they can build a true relationship (bike riding, playing basketball, baseball,puzzles, board games, etc).

I had issues with my ex-boyfriend but I will NEVER doubt that he loved, loves and ADORES my daughter and she feels the same about him.

Get rid of the guy, you and your son's safety and well being should always come first. It is your job to protect your son and it may get worse down the road. End it now.

Dump your boyfriend. Nothing is more important than your children. Do not continue to put them in harm's way with a mean boyfriend. Lose him now.

Hi K. You didn't say how old your son was. I take it he old enough to know that you're divorced from his father. Maybe this is why he behaved that way. He may feel that your boyfriend has made your husband leave. Often time children don't understand why parent split up. If it was a bitter divorce, your ex maybe talking against you and your boyfriend to your son.

It sounds like your son might have some self esteem issue. He feels threatened. He has already lost the family structure that he was use too and loved. He will need time to adjust to new people in his life.

Hi K.- you haven't given a lot of information here, so I am going to give you some general advice based on my experience as a divorced mom ( my son was 4 when I got divorced) who is about to get remarried to a great guy who my son loves.

1)You say he is mean and 'disrespectful' to your boyfriend when you are not around. Have you ever actually witnessed this or is this just what your bf is telling you is happening?

You don't say how old your son is, but it is perfectly normal for him to be suspicious and even jealous of your boyfriend. YOU are the whole world to your son- even more so after a divorce. Being forced to share you with a strange man can be a very scary thing for a kid.

You don't say anything here about your boyfriend, his situation, how he tries to relate to your son. This is VERY IMPORTANT. He is not your son's father. He deserves t be respected - but trust and respect are a two way street. PLEASE be very careful about who you go out with and how they treat your child!

Is your boyfriend kind to your son? Patient with him? Is he a parent himself? Does he understand the pressures and responsibilities of being the 'grown up''? Does he understand that it may take a long time for your son to trust him and that is perfectly natural?

Too many women get divorced and then start going out with a guy who gratifies THEM, without looking at how that person treats their child. If you say your son is always respectful with other adults, do you know for sure he is being rude to your boyfriend when you aren't there, or is that just what the boyfriend is telling you.

It's great to get a new boyfriend, don't get me wrong. But the primary relationship here is between YOU and your son. You owe that to the child you brought into the world. Leaving his father was a hard decision and I would never question that it was the right one. But don't let the fun of a new boyfriend distract you from what is more important- your son and how the two of you are doing together.

Sit down and talk seriously with your son. Explain to him that you like your boyfriend and have fun with him and ask if your son feels the same. Reassure him that you love him BEST, no matter what, and that no other person can come between your special relationship as mother and son.Explain to him that even if he has reasons for not liking your boyfriend, it is important to be polite and respectful to adults, him included.

Ask if your son feels uncomfortable or unhappy or even scared of your boyfriend and LISTEN to what he says. He must trust you to be honest with you.

I don't know what kind of guy your boyfriend is. But too many women just get involved with some guy who has unrealistic expectations of their kids. If your kid was just be a brat in general, that would be one thing. But he has very good reasons to be nervous with your boyfriend and that can turn into back-talk, etc. But be VERY CAREFUL about what your boyfriend terms 'disrespect'. Ask yourself what he has done to win your son's respect =- and yours!

If this situation puts too much pressure on your son, it may not be the best time to be in a new relationship. Seriously, your son has to come first here. A really good guy will wait if he has to, be more patient, change his expectations and behavior. Talk to your son about this issue and LISTEN to what he has to say about your boyfriend. Good luck!

K. there is a lot of info missing, like how old your son is, so I'm guessing here and going on my own past experience.

My husband was a single dad before we married 13+ years ago. His son (now my son!) was burned badly by dh's ex-girlfriends. Not anything physical as has been hinted with other people (though that crossed my mind as I read your note!) but by being close to people then when they broke up being without them again. One woman was so close to him he called her mom then she left without saying goodbye to my son!! He was so young and messed up by that loss. I really think it is folly to introduce your kids to anyone you're dating for a long, long time. You have to be committed to the person because your first responsibility is to your child and you don't risk their emotions until you know for sure this is someone trustworthy and important to you, someone you might marry and have give that child siblings! It has to be that serious. I think it still effects my son even now, when he's 19 and in the Air Force, he has trust issues despite me having been his mom for all these years, and us working to be a big happy family.

So that said, I'd be really curious to know the child's age and could tell more about the behavior. If he's under 3, you can't really know the situation. But if the child is that unruly near the man, I'd get rid of the boyfriend. There might be more going on and if there isn't would you be second-guessing him afterward?

If the child is old enough to tell you why he's misbehaving, you should be able to ask and get some sort of answer. If the relationship is one where he wants to protect his mom's feelings he might lie to you, so have another trusted adult ask him about your bf and see what he says about him. Hopefully you have an open line of communication with your son (age obviously effects this) so that he can know his momma loves him and wants to know the truth even if it's hard. He's lucky to have a mom who is concerned about his behavior and safety.

Good luck to you!
D.

You did not mention your child's age so that makes it more challenging. Let me first say that it's awesome that you came on here for advice about this. It shows you really care about you kid. Second, you know your child better than anyone and if he is normally not disrespectful to adults and he is to your bf, then something is up. Now I understand that kids get jealous, but how do you know he is mean? Have you witnessed it? OR is this your boyfriend's story? Either way, men come and go but your child is the most important.
Third, my mother divorced when I was young and she had a very steady boyfriend for a long time. I did NOT like him. We ended up moving in with him. He ended up beating her all the time after we moved in. She met a guy again. I did not like him. She married him. He ended up being a control freak and cheating on her and she divorced him after only 5 years. My father married a woman I did not like and she was a horrible person and they are now divorced.
What's my point????
Everyone said that I was just a bratty kid who was jealous of my parents' remarrying. I was never jealous and wanted them to be happy but I could tell these people were jerks! Well, kids are pretty good judges of character and if he is misbehaving that badly, I say get rid of the boyfriend! Then, after he's been gone for a month, ask your son why he didn't like him. That way, if anything bad was going on, he'll feel removed enough from the situation and safe enough to tell you and you can get him counseling.
Lastly, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend has any children. Lemme tell you--people who have never had kids can be VERY selfish and simply don't get it. I agree with one of the other moms about this boyfriend perhaps having some unrealistic expectations of your child and therefore classifying his behavior as mean. Your best bet is to look for a guy who already has kids and is a great dad. Take a class with your child thru your local park district. Quality time for you and your son, too!
Counceling, either way, is not a bad idea. He may have some divorce issues to work out and that is normal for any kid and no bad reflection on you! I would definitely look into it for him. The Institute for Personal Development has offices in Romeoville and somewhere else. If you don't live near them, perhaps your pediatrician can recommend someone. Good luck and God bless you!

If you mean that he is mean to your son when your not around, loose him NOW before he hurts your child.
You will never be able to trust your son in his care even for a few minutes to run to the store, anything can happen. You and your child deserve better than that!

It sounds like you are saying your boyfriend is mean to your son when you are not around. You really don't need a boyfriend like that. There are a lot of nice people out there who would love to be around you and your family. The guy is sounding like he is jealous of your baby and you do not need two sons, you need a companion and a mate. So it might be lonely for a tiny bit but you know you are a good person by caring about your son so go find that great guy just for you and your son!

Hi K.
Be very careful! It's hard to know what to do sometimes, but if this issue really concerns you, you need to try and find out what it is. You do what you think is best, but you don't want anything to turn abusive.

All the Best!

Children sometimes cannot say or express their aversion or dislike for someone because they lack language skills but their behavior shows exactly how thet feel. And there always is a good reason. I am not saying your boyfriend is plain abusive. He may be innatentive, indifferent, cross, not-patient, frustrated with the child, anyway children sense that, they understand on some deep level that that particular adult doesn't have their best interest at heart. I do not think you want that kind of person around your child. So there is a choise: either get rid of the guy or see if you can educate him about being a better step-dad (if he is not educable, drop him).