Mom Seeking Advise on Moving Out and Divorcing

Have you talked to a counselor yet? It won't be easy, but perhaps you could still work on the marriage.

I definitely think counseling would be the next step if you both are willing. But please don't stay for your little boy's sake. If you and Daddy aren't happy it affects him as well even if you do your best not to speak of things in front of him. Your husband needs to understand that being a parent is a team effort. Luckily your son is probably young enough to readjust extremely well to a move. You will know what is right for you and your family. And of course you can do this on your own! You're a mom! And from what it sounds like is that you're doing it on your own already...you're just picking up after your husband too! You are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this! You can do it!

Counseling.. You must try.It takes time and energy, but isn't it worth it? I am a product of divorce and right now, my sister who is 46, is still dealing with the whole thing.We thought everything was fine and recently we went to therapy and realized, she has never gotten over the hurt and heartbreak. We were all stunned in the session. It was like she was still a little girl crying over the loss of our family.Heartbreaking. (she is divorced)

My husband and I went through a very rough patch early in our marriage and I am telling you, after the 3rd session, we told the therapist. "there is no hope we are getting a divorce". We walked outside and started making plans on how it would all be handled and all of a sudden we realized, we had learned how to speak to and with each other and that we were willing to give it another try!

It was not always easy, and he can get on my very last nerve... but at least we knew where we stood. We will celebrate or 29th anniversary this fall.

I am sending you strength and clarity.

Certainly you can do this on your own and no you don't stay for the kids sake. If you two are arguing that much, perhaps that is part of his speech problems.

But...would you be happy with your husband if he were helping? My husband and I went through this recently and now he has turned everything around and helps out. He has his responsibilities and I have mine.

I kind of went on strike. I washed his clothes, but left them downstairs on the coffee table in a pile. When he asks if he has clean underwear, I would just tell him I was sure he did and ask if he checked the coffee table. Talking doesn't work with my husband because the of course he is being spoken to...can't have that. Anyway, dinner was all packed up and put in the fridge by the time he got home and I would just tell him what we ate and he would eat alone. Normally, pressed shirts would just stay downstairs hanging in the laundry-room, but one day he threw a fit because I didn't respond to him quick enough while ironing his shirt. I told him I would be right there as soon as I was done with the shirt, but he couldn't wait and threw a fit fit. So rather than fight any further, I very politely said, "Oh this shirt is done" and hung it up on a hanger one sleeve crumpled. Well, I later told him he could finish ironing that shirt and he refused...so did I. No shirts were pressed until he pressed that one sleeve. It took 3 weeks. He didn't like it, but he finally pressed that sleeve and now he is much nicer.

When I noticed he was being mean and unappreciative again, on his day off, I came home from work, kissed the baby and said, "I don't feel well" and went upstairs and shut the door and went to sleep. He had to feed the 4 year old, give her a shower, put her in her pajamas, get her ninight milk, read her a story, put on her ninight music, and pray with her. I know it doesn't sound like much to the mom's, but this does consume an entire evening. The next day he was so nice and checked to see how I was feeling.

Remember, he will be on his own with you son when you leave. He will have visitation and will need to know how to do everything.

For me, I just have to remind my husband that it is no fun being alone and he has to appreciate what he has or it will all go away. I love him dearly, but refuse to allow him to walk all over me and take full advantage. It stops when I say it stops.

You ask if you can do this on your own, yet you say he isn't doing anything, so aren't you doing it on your own already? Never stay miserable for the child's sake. The child then just has a miserable mom which means he isn't getting the best you. I would try counseling first. My husband & I were having a rough patch & the counseling helped. They had us do an exercise where we each listed how much time we percieved we spent a week doing things for my spouse. for my kids, for my family, for friends/family/charity, for work and for myself. Then on a seperate paper do the same only how much time you perceive your spouse spends on the same things. We never saw the other's pages, but she did have us come to session together & she pointed out that most of my time was for kids & family and his were work & self. She pointed out that at that particular time, our priorities were different. She explained that for a team to function, then they need to have common goals & priorities. The priorities will change through time, but everyone neededs to communicate so that everyone is working towards the same thing. That is what we were missing in our marriage. She explained that if these things in our life are not in balance, then problems will arise. She pointed out that my spouse's least amount of time was me and my least amount of time was me and she could see why i had become a bit resentful, angry, sad & moody. She explained that if a person isn't getting what they need from a relationship, they migrate towards relationships that will provide for their basic needs. She asks my husband straight out if he wanted to meet my needs or have someone else do so. He said he did and from then on, she explained that we have to have a date night once a week. We have to have one hour a week in which we meet to discuss what things the other one needs help with. upcoming things. large purchases or trips. etc.. so that we continue to stay focused on the same things. I get one day to myself & he gets a day to hiself to do whatever we want (within reason). We have one day that is our family day. Counselor explained that if we have to cancel family day to do something then we have to reschedule the time & follow thru. We now function better together than we ever had & we are better parents for it. We learned how to disagree with out spewing vomitous words at each other & we learned how to communicate what we wanted without it turning into judge fest. Most importantly, we learned that we each had valuable points that the other was too closed off to see in an attempt to be heard and thus neither of us was right or wrong just different. Best of luck to you I know it can seem really hopeless and scary.

Dear Jackie,
My heart goes out to you because this decision is huge. Never underestimate yourself you can accomplish whatever you see fit to do but the tricky part is your son who is too little to have a voice in anything but gets affected by everything.
Time is on your side don't jump into any decisions that you cannot reverse and try to stay positive.
Understanding the need for you to vent and move on,
Mary

The choice should be for your child. What is your child learning at home? The unhappiness between his parents. That has to change his sake. Staying or going is not a problem it is a choice.

Your son can go to school somewhere else. He is use to the team helping him now. Other schools are obligated to assist you with his speach. There is written paperwork that they can share with the new school. New schools will test and help him over come his issues. They have to help you. Now that this excuse is out of the way start the search for the new school.

You will be closer to your job. You will have the support and help of your family.

Choose! Your choice is neither right or wrong it is your choice. You have to do what is best for you and your son. Figure how to pay for everything. Expect nothing form your husband. Move on with your life. Removing burdeons is important. I wish you strenght and engery to get it all done.

Here we go again with lazy husbands. When women started in the workforce what, 40 years ago, it seems like they kept all their other duties and the men never picked up the slack. Was it their mothers who treated them like future breadwinners who need only bring home the bacon and then they're free to do whatever they want? Unfortunately this seems to be a widespread problem and I'm hoping it will change with the coming generations. there is entirely too much burden put on mothers these days, especially if you work. One of the main reasons I wanted out of my marriage was because I just felt so overwhelmed with it all, the job, taking care of the house, the kid stuff, and he was a "sure I'll do that" guy but then 9/10 he would end up not doing it, and guess who would have to.
Also, I think that if you are fighting with passion, that means you probably still love each other (unless you hate each other).. my ex and I didn't fight about stuff and towards the end that's how I knew it would never be the same; I didn't have any love for him anymore. (and it has proved to be true- that was about 4 years ago, he has a girlfriend and I couldn't be less jealous of her or whomever he was with after we split up.) I don't believe in staying together for the kids if you know it's over; I think it sets a bad example to be willing to be miserable in a situation you know will not change. However, if there's any possibility the situation could change (if your h realizes the burden has been unfair), then that's different. The key is, you need to do everything you can to try to make it work (counseling, etc.), because if it doesn't work in the end, you will know that you tried as hard as you could and you will not feel coulda shouldas later, you know? You will most likely get to a point where you will just know, one way or the other. I wish the best for you either way.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, think of your child here. You will disrupt his whole life and every child wants their mommy and daddy to be together. It sounds like you two can work things out IF you try. First try with yourself, and if your husband see's you changing, then he will change too. It's not fair for your kid to have his whole life screwed up simply because you just "grew apart". Grow together again! Go out on dates, take a mini vacation, remember what it was that attracted you to him, to begin with.

Have you tried therapy? If you stay because you have a child thats not a great reason. If he won't go to therapy and you really feel it is over...why stay? Its not fair to you or your son to stay in a relationship when you are miserable. BIG HUGS

I divorced my first husband when my daughter was the same age as your boy. I wanted her to live in a happier environment than her Dad and I could give her. Same as you, we were fighting all the time, some violence, name calling, no help from him, but his mother wanted to do everything for us. I wanted my own life. As I think you do as well. First off, do you have a good job and some money saved? Stop fighting with your husband and focus on the task at hand. Start looking for places that you want to move to. Start packing away some items that you want to take with you. Talk to an attorney. Find out what your rights are. Taking your child out of school will be tough at first but he will get used to it and forget all about it after time.

All I can say you is pray about it and if are still feeling like divorce is the answer do a legal seperation first. Why are you leaving? He should leave not you and the baby, but being closer to your older children and your job does have it's benefits. I know for a fact you can do this on your own you just have to ask yourself if you want to do this on your own. Think/pray long and hard before you make a decision. Sometimes absence make the heart realize that it is time to make a change to save my family. Life is to short to be unhappy and children with unhappy parents would probably be better off with 2 parents that live seperately but are happy. I will pray that God gives you and answer and the strength to do what He says.

Don't give up! We have all gone through times when our husbands do "nothing", well at least I have. Remember why you got married and think of the vows you made to each other! Talk to him ~ let him know where you are emotionally! Go to counseling together. Pray for guidance and have faith that you can be happy again with your hubby!

The problems between you and your husband could be much harder on your son than being apart. I would suggest counselling, if your husband won't go you should. Even if you two do separate you need to be able to at least be civil to each other for your son.

From when my sons were quite young, I knew things were not well in my marriage, but I did not move out until they were 18 and 15. In fact, they would not come with me though I got a place large enough for all of us and bought new furniture for them. My older son was about to graduate high school and go into the Navy. My younger was just comfortable with where he had lived all his life. It was the hardest decision I ever made and the most painful time of my life. Now, 9 years later, both are home with me-by choice. Staying together for your child is not easy; the kids see right through it. I am a completely different person from what I was then. But I was working full time and had my own resources. There are no easy answers. Good luck.

Hi Jackie -

I'm so sorry to hear about your marital situation. Though, I don't think it's uncommon especially when children enter the picture. My hubby and I have the same issue right now... I am going to tell you my opinion, please take it or leave it...

I truly think couples leave marriages behind like their spoiled milk, instead of taking the time to make buttermilk pancakes. I do NOT think you should leave your husband. It's going to take effort to help mend your heart and his... He is likely hurting too. It sounds like it's gotten to the point where both of you are looking at the "I" and not the "we." And the "we" now includes a little boy which is not to be taken lightly. Children need both parents and by getting a divorce you subject him to a higher risk of getting a divorce when he's older as well...instead of teaching him how to make a lasting, loving relationship.

I'm not an expert... All I can tell you is what is working for us. My husband and I had a "conversation" both declaring we want this to work but we needed help. So we enlisted our church pastor to help us find a counsler. We see him once a week - costly yes, but much cheaper then divorce! On top of that, we joined a couples bible study at our church which helps us be surrounded by couples who are all doing what they can to stay together...It helps to have solid couple friends. Also, we each have close friends to whom we can talk to and they in turn give some honest feed back...sometimes it's hard to hear that you are indeed in the wrong and your hubby is not.

So I suggest to stop seeing your husband as the bad guy. He is your partner. You choose him. You choose to create life with him. It's now your choice to make it work or walk away. Either way - it is a choice.

Best of luck -

Courtney

www.fireproofmymarriage.com