Mom Wants to Move

How about suggesting she take a vacation there, and then see if she still wants to move?

I'm thoroughly against making decisions without as much information as possible. ALSO - against making such a big decision when everyone affected is not on board with the idea in the first place.

This makes no sense at all to me. You are now grown with a family of your own for whom you're responsible. Why do you think that you should follow your mother even if she were making a logical choice to move? If her health is such that you need to take care of her then she needs to stay where you are located. Your first responsibility is to your husband and your children.

Your mother asks you and your husband to give up your jobs and your friends and everything else. Does that make sense or even show love for you? Here are some practical considerations. How will you support yourselves? How will this emotionally affect your children and yourselves? How can you become an independent adult with an independent family if you continue to let your mother determine where you will live?

Your mother is an adult and if mentally competent she is free to make her own decisions but she is not being fair to you and your family to ask that you center your life on her. If she's incompetent and you fear for her safety consult a geriatric psychiatrist and/or a lawyer and consider going to court to gain control of her actions.

Why is your mother still in charge of your life? To me, although this would be a painful decisison, it would not be a difficult one. In a way I have had a similar decision. My mother wanted me to leave my family and move in with her. My brother was already living with her. I asked her to move in with me. She angrily refused and went back to her own home. This did change our relationship. It put an emotional distance between us but I believe that I did the right thing.

I was able to do this after therapy which helped me to recognize that my mother and I needed to set and keep some boundaries. Although we loved each other and had some reponsibilities towards each other because we were family, she and I had different lives with each of us having primary reponsibilities for our own life and not the other's. If I had moved in with her, to take care of her, abandoning my own family, we would be mutally dependent on each other and this is not a healthy relationship as mother and daughter. By choosing to stay with my family I was accepting responsibility to see that she was safe at the same time I was accepting responsibility for my own life and the life of my nuclear family. Once I reached adulthood and formed my own family this family was my nuclear family and my parents and siblings became my extended family. We are still family but the boundaries shift.

I do sympathize with your predictament. You want to help your mother. You want to make her happy. You want her to be safe. But I don't see how separating your family will in the long run help anyone and has a great potential of doing much damage.

T.,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Managing family dynamics can be so difficult.

It is impossible to know your situation from your short paragraph, so I may be totally wrong about this, but it sounds like your mother is acting very selfishly. It would be one thing if she commented on how great it would be to move to X with everybody. Then, the moment she realized her desire to move was causing distress to you and your husband, she dropped it. The fact that she knows her desire to move would force you and your children to be separated from your husband (not permanently, of course, but for long periods of time throughout the year), and yet she is still persisting that you do this for her, sounds odd to me. She's either being selfish or she's not acting in a rational manner.

If I were you, I'd talk to my mom about this and find a way to tell her "no." Tell her how much you love her and how much you want her to be happy, but also tell her how important your marriage and children are.

I also wonder if you could start the conversation by asking her why moving is so important to her. You may have to ask a few times to get at the real answer. Perhaps she feels isolated where you guys live/doesn't have friends her age? Or perhaps she feels like she's lost control of her life (due to her illness?) and this desire to move is helping her feel more in control? Or perhaps she feels her mortality and this desire to move is a way to distract herself from uncomfortable thoughts? If you can get at the underlying reason behind her desire, it might help.

I hope this helps! My heart goes out to you.

M.

For my family my husband and I have decided that our nuclear family comes first, but that's just us. I love both of our parents (his and mine) very much but their decisions are theirs despite health or any other issues that arise. I personally can only accomodate so many people in my life, hence our nuclear family comes first stance. Your husband sounds like a very understanding and giving person.

We love our family but this is our life right now and we are unwilling to live our life as our other family decides they want to live theirs (i.e. locations for living). If you are happy here and YOUR life finally feels like it's coming together then my opinion is that you should stay here. Your mom may have health problems and you love her very much but I think it's an unfair thing to ask you to pick up your whole family to follow her, despite health problems. Where do you want to be? Do you really want to split your family up for this? What are YOUR core set of values? These are the questions I would be asking myself if I were in your shoes.

Good Luck, hope that helps some.
T.

I am extreemly close with my mother, she is my best friend, my counsler, my everything. I know how hard being close to your mother can be though, the saying goes " A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life" Well one thing you MUST take in to consideration is the vows you took with your husband and your responsibility to your children. I also recently moved away from my mother, she was hurt by it but I had to do what is best for my family, my children and my husband. I know its tough but talk to your mom, if you two are close enough that you would move to be near her she should understand your feelings and needs to do whats right for your family- Good luck

I totally agree with the one below me.. Marda! your mom is her own person... even though i am extremly close to my mommy... you are now married and have kids of your own. you cant just up and leave that life style anymore.

Just because your mom has a whim doesnt mean you need to disturb your own family. Say good luck mom I love you and leave it at that

It sounds like your family and your mom need some seperation. This may sound harsh and forward, but if your entire life... and your kids... is centered around your mom, what will you do when she is gone? How hard will it be on kids when they lose a grandma they are used to seeing every day?
I am very close to my mom and wouldn't even mind her living with me if need be, but I feel it is best for all of us that she lives just far enough away that we don't see her all the time... monthly, at least, but not daily. I went through losing a parent and a grandparent that I had lived with for 18 and 23 years... it made it ten times harder to lose both of them because every day was brand new and everything was a constant reminder.
At some point, you have to put your marriage and your family before your parent. You need to do what is right for you, not your mom.

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said about this. You have to do what's best for you and your family. If you and your husband are just getting comfortable with your jobs, it wouldn't make sense to up and leave and venture into the unknown. You and your husband have the responsibility of supporting your children first. I would almost have to say that your mom is not thinking rationally, maybe she is even feeling out of control a little bit, to make a suggestion that you pack your family up and move across country. Good luck with this one!

You have a family which should be number 1 in your life, NOT your mom. Genesis 2:22, "Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman' for she was taken out of man". For this reason a man will LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked and felt no shame." (exact quote) You don't rip flesh apart to follow mom.

Tell your mom, if she wants your help, she will have to live where you do. You shouldn't have to run all over the country trying to help her. CERTAINLY NOT leaving your husband for her. There is not one account in the bible of a person leaving someone for their parents. Yes, we love our parents, but there's a time to put your foot down and say NO.

Moving is hard on everyone, including the children. They say it's the most stressful thing in life after death and divorce. You and your husband have new jobs, moving is EXTREMELY expensive, and 4 people would be uprooting for the sake of one? Doesn't make sense to me. I'm surprised you're considering it.

Good luck T., hopefully whatever happens you can still spend quality time with both your mom and your husband. I think you made the right decision, your husband is your partner and leaving could jeopardize your marriage. Hard call though with your mom in poor health, I feel for you!

thats rough. can't you talk your mom into staying put for a couple years? if its not permenant, then i would go with her. but if its going to be long term you can't leave your husband and follow her. you should try and get her to see reason. maybe she can just move across town or something.