"Mom, What Does 'Gay' Mean?"

Yes, my 7-year-old asked me what 'gay' meant, and I, like you, told her that love comes in all shapes and forms. Some families have two mommies, two daddies, etc. She has brought the subject up a few times since then but I never put judgments out there, I just give her facts. For me, it is incredibly important to me that my kids grow up without prejudice, because my parents were not so careful of that when I was growing up. I want her to be tolerant of all walks of life, so I am very careful to never label the way a person chooses to live as 'wrong'.

Well, in my house when my son has this question I will be open about it. I love to watch Logo (a channel geared towards gay individuals) and there are some things he watches on there with me ... mostly in passing but I have no issues with gay people and I do not think it should be taboo to disuss.

As a "gay" mom, I know this will come sooner rather than later for my son.

You will have to explain it according to your personal (social and/or religious) values.

As someone who was harrassed in high school, I truly hope that whatever you say, you express to him that words always hurt and that all people are worthy of respect and love.

Well, my children were born in San Francisco, and we have plenty of gay friends, so this is not a concept that ever surprised them. It's not wrong, and it is not a choice. This is how some people are born. (O. of my best friends says he was singing show tunes by the age of 3... I mean really, NOT a choice, and YES, born that way!) I guess it's just never been a big deal to us. We support gay marriage, gay adoption, and both of my kids have "Ban Republican Marriage" shirts that we pull out whenever the Prop 8 crazies start up again. ;)

I teach high school and we have a small unit on orientation so fortunately I will have some experience with this before my kids ask me.

I will tell my kids that, regardless of orientation, gender, race or ethnicity, socio-economic background, or religion, ALL people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I will also tell my kids that some people are hard-wired to form a loving relationship with members of the same gender while others are hard-wired to form a loving relationship with members of the opposite gender. I'm sure it will diverge into the "is it a choice" question, to which I will likely reply "In a society that can be close-minded and intolerable, do you think people would 'choose' to be the target of ridicule and harassment? If it was actually a 'choice', don't you think people could just automatically change their feelings of affection to make life easier?"

I hate when the word 'gay' is used as a derogatory remark. To me it is the same as using the N word, the B or the C word, or any other term that is used to put people down simply because of who they are. When my students use gay (such as "Ugh, my math class is so gay!") I quickly call them out on it with something like "Oh, so your math class is attracted to other math classes of the same gender?" to point out how silly their comment is.

My children are 5 and 7, and have known for a long time that some men and woman date the same sex. They understand it is normal and natural, and present in all species of animals. They also know that some people will judge others for being different, for loving different, and that this kind of intolerance is wrong.

They also have been told how the word "gay" can be used as a sort of insult, same as with other words like "retard", and that it is not nice and I better not hear them saying it because it could really hurt the feelings of someone who is actually gay (their grandfather for O.) or someone who is mentally handicap.

What your 8-y-o heard on the bus was likely the word 'gay' being used as an insult. "You are so gay." Just as the word 'retard' can be used as an insult, or, can words that describe someone's ethnic background or gender. I doubt someone was really making a statement on his sexual orientation. At his age, a more relevant discussion might be: "We do not use any words that are hurtful or insult a whole class of people," including gay.

Here's a story about how our government will no longer use the word "mentally retarded" in official documents. This campaign, initiated by some kids, might be a good basis for a discussion with your son.
http://www.tolerance.org/magazine/number-39-spring-2011/g...

I'm super technical with my kids. I've had this talk with my 5 and 7 year old daughters. I explained the concept as you did, and the follow up questions I responded with questions... 'Do you think it's a sin? Do you think it's wrong? Do you think that everyone deserves love?'... As far as the 'choice' question, I gave them my 2 answers... O., I think some people are curious and try different things, like trying on different clothes. Two, there may be some medical evidence that there may be a 'gay gene'... this is when I lost them. They haven't asked about it since ;)

BTW, I want my kids to be informed and make their own decisions/opinions on things, which is why I answered their questions with questions. I do want them to be informed though, so they're not just copying what some other kid on the bus says!

I find it easier to just be objective. Don't put any judgements on the answer. When they ask is it right or wrong, I tell them some people believe it is right, and some people believe it is wrong. And if they ask you your own thoughts, then be light about it. Always center your answers on how you want to raise your child - with tolerance, equality, awareness, and above all - Love.

Queations like these can sometimes be uncomfortable because they are sensitive. If you don't answer them, they will find out on their own somehow.

yes, I have been asked. but first i asked in what context was the word gay used. sure enough, on the bus. so I told them that in that context the word is used to bully someone, to be mean to someone, to belittle someone. I i had explained that sometimes people use a real word and put a bad meaning to it. then i said, being gay is different. how? i said some people love women, some people love men, some people love both. i got the looks for sure, and I ended it up with, you are free to love whomever you choose to.

I love the answers you have gotten so far. I would also ask your son what context he heard it. My guess is that he heard someone (or himself) being called gay as a defamatory remark. This is a whole other issue. I know when I taught 5th grade, I had to send students to the office if they called another student gay. It was considered bullying/sexual harrassment if used in this way. After you discuss what it means, you may want to make a call to the school to discuss how this topic is being discussed on the bus and at school.

Not yet. O. of my SILs is gay with a committed partner, and they both go to school with kids who have gay parents. We have a number of partnered gay friends and neighbors they see all the time too as well as a cousin. I'll be interested to see at what age they bring it up. My oldest is 5 and has never questioned it.

My son is 7 he heard this loud & clear from my neighbor who is 14 yrs old calling something "gay",so after that I mentioned it to my friend which is her son & she heard it to she was outside too,anyway I mentioned it to her that my son heard it & will soon be asking questions about it well that didn't happen he told another boy he was gay at school so I heard about it a day later from the teacher I was surprised so was she this was his first time ever having to move his stick down they have a system at school so this basically a warning plus the teacher told him not to say that it is a bad word not to be said at school so I told the teacher he has no idea what it means & she agreed that it was said as if he was trying to figure out what it means so that day afterschool I spoke to my son & told,him it's not a word to be said freely,then I said it has 2 meanings 1 being HAPPY & the other meaning is the liking of the same sex such as a man liking another man that was it he still didn't know what it really means in the future I will have to get more technical about it but so far he does know not to name call someone that word.

My oldest granddaughter Alex never noticed till she was about 13 (17 now) that her aunts significant other (Who we always called Uncle Jerry) was a woman. She was completely indifferent about it. Her aunts biological brother is also gay, but he's "Married to work" and has been since she was born.
I think it is wrong, personally, but Alex has friends who are, and they are wonderful and support her through everything. She told me a day without her lesbian best friend is like a day without the sun!
Intresting fact my 17 year old told me the other day when she was discussing homosexuality with her little sister. Homosexuality has been observed in over 450 species of mammals. Homophobia in only O..
Also, people are silly to think its "contagious" like many children like to say to others. Alex has been around her aunt a good amount her whole life and her best friend since she was about 13! Shes also been in the same relationship what will be 5 years right before her 18th birthday with her boyfriend

Tee hee! A little. When two males were kissing on Masterpiece Theater, my 5 year old asked of some men kiss. What could I say? No? They were doing it.
It hasn't gotten more detailed than that yet.

I plan on just telling it like it is. There are men who like men and women who like women the same way there are men who like women and women who like men. Always have been. Always will be. Everyone is how they were born and everyone is equally valuable and lovable, and people who say mean things about "gay" people are being immature and cruel. We have close gay family friends, including my best friend, who they are already close to, so as they learn and grow we can say, "So and so is gay and we love them right?"

I don't think an issue needs to made over a basic human reality other than to point out that those who make an issue of it are choosing to do that.

They have overheard us saying things are "gay" as in silly, but maybe we should knock that off until they are old enough to realize that it really isn't a negative slam to us. Also we don't want them to use it as kids in a negative way. Although, that was so fun as a kid to run around saying "You're gay! BA HA HA I MEANT HAPPY"

What's going to be harder is explaining why our entire fundamentalist christian side of the family makes such a huge issue of it and brings it up heatedly all the time in the context of these "people" (whom they've never met) threatening American families (huh? I've never felt threatened) going to hell. Much more zealously than for any of the other millions of sins in the Bible which EVERYONE on earth is guilty of. I'm totally preparing to guard my kids from the "BEING GAY IS EVIL" speeches they're bound to hear from certain relatives. Some of which have children out of wedlock. gasp.

My 5 year old asked in a round about way... So I said everybody has someone they love and wish to be with. Sometimes it's like Mommy and Daddy and other times it's like 2 Mommies or 2 Daddies. We did not really get into transvestites or transexuals - which I hope we can hold ff on until middle school at least!

My philosophy is: If it does not physically or emotionally/mentally harm someone, it's not wrong - just different.

When my daughter was about 5 yrs old, she heard the term "gay" on the evening news & asked what it meant. At the time, whenever my husband & I would go out for the evening without her, she said we were going on a date. So I told her "you know how Daddy & I go on dates because we love each other? Well, when someone is gay, it is 2 men going on a date or 2 women going on a date." She thought about it a minute & then replied that was funny & never asked about it again. I was always told to explain in the simplest way possible & if they want to know more, they will ask.

Some people choose it (I've had several gay friends tell me this), some people are born with those inclinations and act on them. As for the moral question, it depends on your belief system. Yes, I personally think it is wrong, but I do not judge the person for it and I teach that we are accepting and kind to them or anyone else (race/weight/creed/religion...) regardless of our personal feelings on the matter.

Also, I tell my kids that 'gay' is not a slang term to use and is very disrespectful, since that is how most people use the term. Which is sad because the true origin of the word is light/merry/happy....

I have had this disscussion with my 9 y/o. Share your beliefs and answer his questions frankly. Also you might add that it is a word that used to mean happy, so he can decide on the context.

Hi, Denise:
Had you thought about just asking him qestions about
what he heard, how was he feeling about what he heard, etc.

Get him to talk about what he is experiencing and then
respond to what the children are saying, rather than a definition of
gay.

This is where prejudice, discrimination, and stereotypes begin.

My question would be is: "Why are you kids talking about it?"

I would look more at the idea of judgment than anything else.
Just a thought.

D.