It is never easy being the mom of two teenage daughters. Especially when they are both utterly gorgeous, they both have 4.0 GPA's, and outgoing personalities to boot. There are trials and challenges but I try to make the best of these years giving them guidance and turning them out to be productive human beings. I feel I am doing a good job. Today, my oldest daughter, who is 17, came to me with a huge one. She just told me that she has deep feelings for her boyfriend that she has been dating for one year and that she is thinking that he might be "the one". Of course my heart sank and my knees trembled but I know that I am damn lucky that she chose to come to me and discuss her feelings rather than hide them. I heard what she had to say and in turn, she listened to my concerns....and I had them. She is asking to go on birth control and wants to do things the right way. She said she knows 100% that her boyfriend has never had sex before and that she has not engaged in sex of any kind or thought of it until now. I asked her what makes this different and she plainly said that she does love this guy, feels safe with him, he is not "loose" or demanding with her, and that she is thinking that things may happen between them. She wants to be healthy, safe, and responsible for her choices but she also said she needs my help and guidance if I will give it to her. I asked her if she would consider waiting on this an additional year but I also realize that what I say or ask her to do, may or may not happen in the heat of the moment. I have to be realistic. I have decided that I will schedule an appointment with my OB/GYN, who I’ve known for years, and get my daughter in for an exam and put her on birth control and also have a consult with our doctor about concerns and safety for her from a health standpoint. We will go over everything again even though I have done this as a parent and so has the school she attends. I also asked her NOT to engage in any sexual activity until we are 100% sure she is protected and understands what this means for her. My daughter agreed with this and has promised me that nothing will happen between her and the boyfriend until she has seen and talked with our OB/GYN and a plan for pregnancy and STD protection is in place. She gave me her word and I have no choice but to trust that she will honor it. I already got her the Guardasil vaccine last year, so thank God for that. I will also be talking to my husband about this because he has a right to know what is going on. I’m sure I’ll have to have smelling salts and Pepcid on hand for that conversation! However, I know he will support whatever it is I choose to do in this circumstance. I always hoped she’d wait until 18 or older but I have to take action now and not ignore her requests for guidance. That would be stupid on my part. As a mom, do you feel that I am handling this correctly? I have to be proactive yet also be reactive to a degree. If you were me, would I get an A+ on this, a C- for mediocre Mothering, or a flat-out F? Also, my husband and I are good friends with the boyfriend’s parents. They are a lovely family and have the same parenting style as we do. Their son treats our daughter like a queen, he is exceptionally polite, well-raised, and a hard worker. He is also 17 years old and I do care about him in this issue as well as my own daughter. Should I tell the boyfriend’s mother what my daughter asked me about and what is going on? I don’t know what to do about that……help!!
I'm overwhelmed and so humbled by the outpouring of support that I received on Mamapedia. Thank yiou to all the Moms who commented.. You are appreciated and I read every single post that was sent. Here's the game plan.....I will be taking my daughter to my OB/GYN next week to have a consultation and she will more than likely suggest the Depo-Provera shots as the birth control choice for my daughter. Takes the guess work out of taking pills and also keeps me in the loop because I would be the one bringing her in for the shots every three months. She will also be instructed to use condoms too because although both of these teens are pure at heart and in body, if one were to "stray" then all bets are off and protection from disease is a big deal. I think this is the best I can do to put all systems in place for my daughter to be safe and responsible at the same time. I also had a very private conversation with my husband last night. Calmly, gently, I told him the news. He took it well but also voiced his concerns. He was reassured when I told him that I voiced the same concerns, asked her to wait, but then realized that if the heart ruled her universe…..we had to be good parents and make sound decisions first and then hope for her waiting a little longer on this would come second. We are both on the same page. He even said that if this is how it is going to be then thank God it is the young man that is her boyfriend and not someone else. He knows how wonderful this guy is and that we are fortunate to not have her dating some degenerate idiot that makes all of our lives a living hell. Yes folks, that could be the case and we are blessed that it’s not. I will continue my open and supportive relationship with my daughter and be an attentive mother. That’s my role and I am proud that it has gotten me to this moment and not into a tailspin of lies, hidden secrets, and teen tragedies that happen way too often. I have a 13 year old daughter as well and she is more tight-lipped and low profile than her sister is. You better believe that I’ll be working my magic on that one and praying that I can duplicate our scenario with my youngest, or have her wait entirely. I pray that there will never be secrets or trust issues with her but only time will tell…..she is too young and all I can do is continue my mothering and never miss a beat. So, that’s where we are today and where we are going in the future. Oh, and we are not going to tell anything to the boyfriend’s parents as long as we have full cooperation on my daughter’s part to be responsible and act appropriately. If anything weird comes up, all bets are off! Thank you to all the wonderful Moms who talked to me about this subject. It was quite a day but having all of you to “steady me” was a true blessing and I am so grateful!!
A++++++! Couldn't be better! (p.s. Don't tell the boyfriend's parents. That's his responsibility, should he so choose). Good going mom!
Well, I only have a 2 year old boy so I really have no advice, but I think you're doing GREAT!
That's fantastic that she came to you so you must be doing something right.
And I think you're doing the right thing with the doctor visit (telling Dad, I don't know). Now that she's shown trust in you, I think you need to show trust in her. And remind her that if she thinks she made a mistake she can always come to you and you'll always love her.
Good luck!
I think it's wonderful that you guys have that kind of open communication and that she is smart enough to come to you about protection! Go mama! I got pregnant at 17 partly because my parents and I did not have that discussion. I am grateful to have my 9 year old now, but I wouldn't wish a teenage pregnancy on anyone! I think you are handling this wonderfully!!
How special that you have such an open and communicative relationship with your daughter. It is really incredible that your daughter felt comfortable coming to you and discussing this, and I hope that my daughter (currently 34 weeks in utero ^_^) will be able to have that kind of relationship with me. I think you have done everything exactly right. I met my husband in high school when we were 17, and I appreciate that my parents never diminished my relationship with him because of my age. His parents did - and that is reflected in our current relationship with them. And we went on to college, grad school, then got married and started a family - with plenty of years to continue to get to know each other in between.
Do not break that trust by talking to his parents about this. Instead, talk to your daughter and tell her that you would like him to address this with his parents as she has addressed it with hers. But he may not have that relationship with his parents, and they need to handle it as they feel comfortable. Good luck.
I think you handled it great!!! I would not tell the boyfriends parents though...that would be a breech of trust for your daughter. Even though you took it well his parents might not and that is up to him to decide if he will tell them or not.
I think you are doing the right thing and no, you should not talk with his parents about this. Your daughter obviously trusts you and you could risk losing that trust by going to his parents. It is his responsibility to talk with his parents. If they were both younger, then I would have a different answer.
I have not faced your situation yet, my oldest is 9, however I am one of 4 girls and based on my experience growing up with my mom I say you are doing a great job and I don't think it's a bad idea to inform his family mother as well (if he hasn't already).
Consider yourself very blessed that she came to you, I was a BIG hider from my mom and dad, they knew nothingn and of course I wasn't able to protect myself the right way and became a mother at the age of 18. I wouldn't regret or change a thing about my life, I'm still madly in love with my husband 10 years later, but we had to grow up very fast because of it. The way you described your daughters boyfriend reminds me of my own husband, he is a very mature hard working man and always has been so if this guy is the one, it sounds like your daughter makes good choices in men.
Again, I can't imagine talking to my mom at that age about what your daughter talked to you about, that must have taken a lot of courage and I think you're doing the right thing by guiding her in the safe direction and I think either way it's going to happen if she's that in love with this boy so it doesn't hurt to have a parent supporting you and helping her make smart choices. Good luck to you with everything, you sound like you're doing a great job!!
Personally, I think you did a great job and you should be proud that your daughter trusts you enough to come talk to you. Maybe there is a book from a 20 year old perspective about sex that she could read that talks about the consequences and responsibility that come with sex, and possibly the regrets that come with it. No BC is 100%. I would ask her if she is ready to accept raising a baby if she gets pregnant.
The other thing I would talk to her about is that he may not be the one. And when she finds her one she's going to have to explain that she had sex with someone else. Unfortunately, today, many guys wont care about this, but I was always glad I didn't have to tell my future husband that I had sex with X number of guys. I know it's hard when you're 17 to even think that far ahead, but maybe it will have some impact on her. Hugs! I have a 2 yo and don't even want to think about these conversations yet!
I also say A+. You're very lucky to be able to have a relationship like that with your daughter that she would feel comfortable coming to you with that. As hard as it is to think of your children being sexually active, 17 is very realistic and I don't think you're "encouraging" her, but more helping her take the steps to be safe and secure with the inevitable.
I tell my children that sexual relations are beauiful AFTER they are married. However, I would hope my daughters would be willing to come talk to me (like yours did) and I would handle it wonderfully (like you did). Condoning and protecting are two very different things. My girls are still very young . I have talked to my girls about waiting and am open with them when they asked questions. You can't control what they do when they leave the house, all you can do is protect them the best way you can. Talking to her about how you feel about it all and going the Dr. and getting all the health questions and testing out of the way is AWESOME. You are doing a great job and I commend you for not fainting! Hopefully she will wait for that year. It sounds like the boyfriend is a nice guy. He will tell his parents when he is ready. Not your news to tell. Good luck.
I think you have done something wonderful... I am right now battling with my 15 year old who thinks she is old enough to have sex... and she is doing evrything behind my back.
I will be taking her to get an exam, and a birth control shot, because she is so young, I do not trust her to remember a pill every day.
That being said, I try and explain to her that if she is with someone for a long time, and really likes him and they care for eachother, then we can visit the sex thing again... in the meantime I can only do what I can to protect her from an unwanted pregnancy... she does not quite get it yet, and she is sneaky. It sounds like you have the relationship with your daughter that I have been longing for since the teen fairy came and dropped evil dust on my daughters head.
Kudos to you! Good luck, and I am sure everything will be fine!
I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back! My daughter is only 6 1/2, but I hope to have a relationship with her exactly like the one you have with your daughter. =0) It sounds like you two are in a great place together! You are voicing your concerns and wishes to her, but at the same time, you are respecting her decisions as well. Taking the steps to protect her by placing her on birth control is extremely smart. Some people may say you are giving her "permission" to engage in sexual activity. I strongly disagree. I think you are doing everything right. And I don't think you should approach the boyfriend's parents. That will be up to him. You wouldn't want to lose the precious trust your daughter has with you. Hopefully, this boy is having the same conversation with his mom or dad. =0)
Wow, what a hard thing to deal with. I think you did fine. I wouldn't talk to the boyfriend's parents, that is up to him to do. I would stress to your daughter that he tell his parents so he can get a check up and make sure he is healthy too.
you did great! i hope my own daughter will be that comfortable with me when shes that age. i think the birth control will be a good start. i would say put her on the shot so theres no possible way for her to forget to take a pill. it also last for 3 months. make sure her dr explains to her that she can become pregnant in the first month of starting birth control. also ask her if her bf told his mom/dad.
Momtoteens,
I have to say that you have handled this magnificantly. My oldest son is 15 and I have already had a similiar conversation with him, as his father has refused. He lives with his father and he has come to that point in life that he is getting curious and believe me you can't stop the train once it starts down the track. All you can do is head it in the right direction. I wish I had had that kind of relationship with my mother at that age. I may not have gotten into some of the situations I had gotten into. I commend the parenting that you are doin with your girls. Congrats on the relationship that you have built. As for the boyfriend, don't betray the trust that you do have with him and say anything. That really isn't your place to do so.
Congrats on a job well done.
S.
Since you are good friends with the boys' parents, invite them into this situation. The kids are in love and want to experience a special relationship. You are on the right track, so allow all involved to be on the same page.
Good luck and God Bless. Wow, a happy couple! And cudos for having an open and honest relationship with your daughter. So important.
You definitely get an A+!!
You have absolutely done things right the last 17 years so that your daughter trusted you enough to come to you with this discussion. Sounds like the discussion went well with the 2 of you. Much better that she be honest with you upfront, than for her to just try to sneak around and hide!
I'm not sure if I would say anything to the boyfriend's mother. Seems a little awkward to me.
I would keep talking to your daughter openly about this decision. I hope that she does choose to wait! Remind her that the "first time" should be special, something she will remember forever. For me, looking back now, I wish I had waited!! I was with the guy for 4 years before the relationship ended. We were engaged for half that time. Now I regret wasting those 4 years with him, and everything I did with him. Ugh! Why do we have to be so young and stupid?? LOL All it did was set me up for more mistakes with later relationships :(
Remind your daughter that no matter how good the relationship is now, you never know at this age what will happen. I started dating that guy when I was 16, was engaged just before I was 18, and split when I was 20.
If he truly loves her, he will wait too!!
I wouldn't have handled it this way at all. We believe that sexual relations should only happen after marriage. My daughter and I have discussed what a gift she is and how the marital embrace is beautiful and something to look forward to. I understand that you want your daughter to be safe, but the only safe thing is chastity. If this boy was really the one, he would want to do everything in his power to give her the very best and sex before marriage is not the very best.
I give you a A+++++++ also. Your daughter seems to be responsible coming to you first. You are responsible getting her protected right away.
I also would keep the good communication open. And tell her although having sex with someone you love is a wonderful experience. That waiting until your older and waiting until marriage is the greatest gift you can give the man you intend to marry. I mean she is only 17 with lots of years of dating to do. I bet we both know that she will probably not marry this boy. I was 17 once myself and know of those wonderful feelings you may have for your boyfriend. You are doing the right thing here. I guess I sound very old fashion. My mom was married at 18 and my dad was only 17.........but that was 75 years ago. LOL!
Keep up the good work!!
A+++ (and extra credit too!). I think you have obviously raised a smart daughter who makes smart decisions. I remember when I had a similar conversation with my mom (who cried because it meant I was growing up...kind of like when I started kindergarten...so sweet I think). So many of my friends would have had a much easier life if they had a mom like mine (or it sounds like you). Teenage years can be quite challenging and knowing that you can turn to your mom for support and advice is absolutely priceless.
I think you are being smart. 17 today isn't like it was 20 years ago. I started college when I was 17. There are people working full time jobs at 17. She is being open and honest with you. As long as they are being safe, I would take a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. She is old enough to make this decision.
I am NOT looking forward to this kind of thing with my boys.
Good luck, mama.
I think you did a great job. Open Communication is SO vital in relationships with spouses as well as children. You have obviously communicated well with her if she felt comfortable enough to come to you, Kudos.
My daughter is 15 1/2 and we talk about anything and everything and I just hope that she would come to me if she were making a decision like this. Sometimes it is hard to sit and listen when you so badly want to jump into the conversation and put your two cents worth in.
I believe it is a good thing to have the Dr. or nurse counsel her on the pros and cons. For me, my daughter listens to her Dr. and believes in her so we work together. As for the Guardisil, we opted not to do that due to it being so new.
I think that we as parents are naive if we think our children will not experiment with sex in some way. We need to educate our children so they can make the best decision for themselves, even if we may think it is a wrong decision.
As for sharing this information, I would not tell the BF's parents about this. Hopefully he has a good relationship with his parents and he can communicate with them. I know my husband prefers to stay out of the nitty gritty details of our daughter becoming a woman so I would be careful how much I shared with him as well, not only because he is not comfortable with his daughter growing up, but I would never want my daughter to feel like I broke a confidence and talked about our conversation to anyone.
Sounds like you did a great job and need a pat on the back. Best wishes.
You did everything perfectly and I tell you this because my ex-boyfriends sister found out her 15 yr old was possibly engaging in sex. She called me crying found some txts and stuff. I said to her so you are going to have the talk with her, get her protected and discuss condoms, safe sex, responsibility etc. She said HELL NO. If I do that for her she will think I am condoning this behavior and I am not!! I told her that ship has sailed protect your daughter, refused. Cut to the chase I just spent a day with her 16 yr old daughters 8 month old baby, and to beat that, her younger daughter 14 is now pregnant. Talk about hindesight is 20/20. You did awesome and know that if your daughter trusts you enough to tell you this she will always keep you close for the big decisions and lucky you for raising such a responsible girl. I also would not talk to boys parents speak to your daughter and ask what her opinion is. And good luck with your hubs, they always take it harder because she will always be his little girl!
Personally, I give you an A+ on this.
(Make sure to buy her condoms too!)
I would say A++++!!! As far as the boyfriend's parents go, talk to your daughter to see if he has had the same converstion with them. Encourage her to have the boyfriend talk to his parents and seek their guidance also. I would want them to tell me if they knew my daughter was having sex with their son and I didn't already know. Sounds like you are handling this situation very well and making yourself available to your daughter. Job well done Mom!!!
I think you get an A+! It speaks volumes that your daughter felt comfortable enough to talk to you about this. And IMO, you handled this wonderfully! Good for you mom!
A+, and many kudos. This is exactly the talk I would have wanted with my own daughter, and the response I would have given if I had the chance. She was a little more secretive, but sensible and responsible, and I was glad for that.
Your daughter spoke to you in confidence. I wouldn't tell the other parents, but would encourage the kids to be honest about their intentions.
