More Bad News :(

Good Morning C., I am so very sorry for your family, this is a very hard path to walk. I didn't respond to your first posting, you had some wonderful advice already. I have been lifting up your family in prayers since. What is important right now to be able to help your wonderful dad is for you to find your own peace through his illness.
You can't offer a lot if you are stressed and feeling your own strength waiver. It is not an easy thing to do, but in his presence you can do it. There is always HOPE, Hope is never in short supply with the Lord.

I lost my mom last August to Alzheimer's/dementia. Mom was a avid reader, crossword puzzle junkie, and loved to paint, croquet and work outside. All of that ceased. When seizures started on July 28th he illness became worse. She was violent at times, kicking, hitting, my brother couldn't deal with it. My sister works in a Dr. office trained as an assist, and was able to be there with Mom daily after work or lunch time. I stayed every night with mom when they moved her to Hospice. Then left at 5 am to come home to watch our gr son's. I didn't let mom see me cry or be upset, she only knew me One or two times I was there.
We laughed at times as mom took up a new profession, when she got really confused she started pealing off her cloths, So I called her my Striper Mama.

C., pray with your dad, encourage him to have Hope every minute, trust in the Lord with everything you have. Healing and Victory aren't always seen here on earth. His healing if not here will be with his passing to His own Mansion. This place in only temporary, I am only passing though.

In times like these it is ok to talk to your mom & dad about what their wishes are. Does he want to Fight with all he has? If the treatments are worse then the disease does he want to continue or stop? Is he ready to meet the Father or is there still things he wants to take care of. Plans for his family, letters or something he needs to write? Is there someone he wants to see, visit with? Then if at some point he is not able to give his OK to treatments or such, is he willing to allow someone else to handle things for him? How does he want things done?

Our Daughter in law lost her Dad a yr ago Feb. He came home for vacation, from Iraq as a contract electrician. They said he had dehydration and gout when he left. He was in the hospital 2 days after getting home. long story short he had Cancer. He was able for a while to voice his wants and needs. They placed him in a med coma for pain control, then would awaken him when his family came and needed his input on medical matters. They knew he wanted to fight, and they knew when he was done with the fight and were at peace with His being able to make that decision. He passed Feb 18th, after developing septic shock.

Be at Peace with your self C., then you will be more of a comfort to your wonderful father.

You are constantly in our prayers
K. Nana of 5

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run & not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

"He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge. His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart". Psalm 91:4

C., first my condolences. This is a rough road you are traveling right now. I went through something similar when I was 27. My mom was diagnosed with cancer that had spread to her brain and spinal cord. She was diagnosed on May 5 and we lost her on August 26. She did the radiation and that helped a bit but it was painful to hold the positions that they wanted. She also did maybe 3 rounds of chemo before we decided that it really was costing her more than it was giving her. By that point she'd pretty much already given up the fight and was only doing the treatments for us.

I think the most important thing at this stage is the QUALITY of life he has left. Make every moment count. My suggestion is to check into hospice care for him. And as sucky as this may sound, shop around. Not every hospice is good. Yes, they are all there to provide services to the dying but sometimes their services don't come as quickly as you would think. For instance, I BEGGED our hospice for some respite care for me (I was mom's caregiver 24/7...dad just did the cooking and laundry). It was exhausting. I FINALLY got the call from them 5 minutes after mom died that they could send someone the following Tuesday! This kind of hospice care is TOTALLY unacceptable. Yes, the home health nurses can keep him comfortable at home. Once he's on hospice, they really don't care HOW much pain meds the patient needs, it's all about keeping them comfortable...prior to that, it was nearly impossible for us to find a pain management Doctor that could and would write a prescription for what mom REALLY needed in way of management.

The port will be a godsend with or without chemo. It is the BEST way to deliver the pain meds! Honest! Mom was literally crying when she came out of surgery with the port. She was so HAPPY! She had a lot of anxiety about getting it but it was SOOO much better than the constant of the blown veins and always getting stuck. Yep, he'll LOVE that!

The peace and acceptance is a process you each will have to journey on your own. It is a personal path that only you can take. You cannot travel it for him. I think at this point you should have an honest conversation with him and tell him to be honest with you about WHAT HE WANTS. Does he want a lot of visitors? Does he want to do the chemo? Does he want his friends and family to know? In my mom's case only immediate family knew and she REFUSED to let me tell any of her friends (who were of course FURIOUS with me afterwards). My only response was, it may not have been fair to them (which I didn't think it was) but it was my mother's wish and I owed her FAR more than I owed them. YOU DON'T have to agree with his wishes, but it'll bring both of you better piece of mind knowing you followed them (no matter HOW hard that may be to do). [C., some reading books that may help are nearly ANY book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: On Death and Dying, The Wheel of Life, On Grief and Grieving, and On Life After Death. She is an EXCEPTIONAL writer and one of the foremost authorities on the subject. My Dad also loved a daily inspirational book about Angels in our lives]

I remember the morning of the 26th very clearly. By that point mom had been comatose for probably 3 days. I had spent the night by her bed and it was about 8am. No one was up except for me and I had a private conversation with her telling her that if she was hanging on for me or Dad, not to. It was the hardest damn conversation of my life. But I knew, at that moment that her presence here was causing more pain for all of us than letting her go. Her vitals started to go down after that and she passed on at exactly noon. The last 10 years of my life have been hard without her since she was my best friend. She's missed my wedding and the birth of my two beautiful children and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that she is walking alongside of my children and I. Some days, I feel her presence so strongly it's like she's standing right next to me.

Make the most of the time you have. Give your children the time and space THEY need to come to terms with this. They may find it extremely difficult to be around their grandfather at this point and that's ok. The dying process isn't easy on anyone. The point is to have NO REGRETS. If your Dad died tonight, have you (or dad or your kids) said and done everything you needed to? That's the point. It's something we should do every day of our lives but forget until we get to this point. It's God's gentle reminder of how fragile our lives are. God bless you and keep you on this painful journey you are on. I'll keep you in my prayers that you all find the strength you need to do what needs to be done. If you ever want to chat, feel free to drop me a line.

God bless you and your family, C., as you begin this journey. There's no way to tell how long....I went through this with my mom. There's no right or wrong answer, and there's no miracle answer either. If we believe, then we know that on this side it doesn't end, it's only the beginning of our eternal life with our heavenly father. I know what you are going through...everything seems to be happening so fast and spiraling out of control. I want you to, as best as you can, take care of YOU...I don't know about you, but I was a daddy's girl. You may still be in shock, but you have to be a strong pillar for your children. Just be there for your father, spend as much time with him as you possibly can, and allow the children to do the same. They are old enough to understand. Allow your dad to determine how he wants the conversation to go, but your presence will let him know you care. He has to come to a point of peace on his own, and most likely when he does then he won't be afraid to cross over, he'll only be afraid to leave his loved ones behind if you all are not ready to let him go. I will pray for your family's strength and courage during this time...my mom's started in her breast, it was so aggressive it just moved around so quickly and finally ended up in her brain. Radiation and chemo are so hard and damaging on the body...she was clear thinking all the way to the end, she just had a bad headache all the time and I think it had started affecting her vision. Once they discovered it had gone to the bone and to the brain and started radiation around September...she passed at the end of January. Talk to your dad about his salvation so that he can live eternally with the Lord, if he is receptive. It's so much I want to say to you, I just want you to feel this great big ole hug I'm sending your way....try to be strong..love on him and your mom..don't keep it inside, talk to your support systems. We know that we have to leave this earth, but we're never ready to go or to see our loved ones go. I miss my parents and they've been gone since 2002....it's a journey and I know they're with the Father. Would I have them back if I could, yes, but not if it meant they had to suffer, so they are in a better place. God bless your dad. Hospice can be a great comfort and assistance, just keep him as comfortable as possible.

Dear, dear C.,

I normally don't respond to these, but your note really touched me.

I myself am a 3-time cancer survivor; 1992 breast, 2000 Colon and 2000 Liver which was stage 4. In 2000, I underwent 25 radiation treatments as well as 5 chemo treatments before surgery for the colon cancer. Through CAT Scans, doctors found that the colon cancer had literally 'hopped' to my liver. So surgery had to be performed for that also. In July of 2000 doctors removed 70% of my liver to remove the cancerous nodes. This was after the surgery in May to remove a very large section of my colon. In September of 2000 I began a year of systemic chemotherapy. Here it is 9 years later, my liver is full-size (the liver regenerates, the only organ to do so) and I'm writing you. My suggestion for you and Dad - Keep Your Chin Up, Always HOPE and PRAY. Accept the fact that cancer has invaded his body, but this is something that has not come to stay. And, above all, keep a very positive outlook & attitude. Do what you can to make every day the best. And, believe it or not, this can make you a stronger individual if you choose to let it.

We lost my cousin last August after about an 8-year-long fight with breast, then lung, then liver then brain cancer. Doctors found the lung cancer when she returned for her 5-year breast cancer follow-up. The lung ca spread to her liver; then surprisingly it left, only to be found again in her brain. After some treatments, that disappeared, but unfortunately showed back up in her liver. She spent years with the cancers moving throughout her body.

So, whatever you guys do, don't give up hope. And, allow yourself the time to be sad, but then get on with your life and smile as much as you can (I honestly feel it helps the medicine work! God knows smiling made me look better!!!) Live each day to the fullest and appreciate all the blessings in your lives and all the beauty around you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you & your Dad always.

Love & HOPE,

G. P

I'm so sorry for all the hardships in your life. I hope my response doesn't seem cold or hurtful. My grandma is a survivor of breast cancer for about 17 years now. We have had a few scares that it's come back. My grandpas sister had brain cancer but that was so long ago I don't know how soon they found it or how long she had it till she passed. Honestly I don't think your dad has much time and I don't mean for that to come out wrong but it would be better for you to be planned for it then to have high hopes and be disappointed. With the seriousness of all the different cancers it's hard to see a positive outcome. What a tragedy to lose a loved one and for your children. Have you discussed this with them? My uncle was killed in a car accident in 98 leaving behind 3 young children. And it being unexpected didn't give anybody a chance to say their goodbyes. I wouldn't say watching your father die is better but at least you have time to prepare for it. I have watched 2 other elderly people(my ex's grandparents) die from cancer and it is very hard but they had such a peaceful passing. After the drs decided there was nothing else to be done we moved them to John Hopkins. That was the best decison I feel they made. Still had a medical staff but more of an apartment feeling not a hospital... and there was always family there, no visiting hour limitations obviously because they didn't want them to pass alone. I of course will pray that he has a miraculous recovery but also for you and you family's loss and that your father has a peaceful and painless passing when the time comes. God be with you all.

I will pray for your dad:) I am not sure where you are located but my church offers grief counseling if you are interested. ###-###-####. They would be happy to speak with you. I think our pastor would come out and speak with you or your father if you requested.

C.,

I'm so sorry to hear you got more bad news. My best advice after having gone through this with my mom is to be there for him as much as you can. Do as much with him as you can. Ask him what he would like to do while he still feels well enough, and be very patient when he no longer seems like himself. Chemo and radiation are very difficult to go through. You may see his whole personality change. As far as how long does he have - I'm guessing his doctors have already told him, unless he requested not to know. I always thought my mom must be doing better than she looked because they didn't give us a timeline - what I didn't realize is that she told them she didn't want one. She never wanted the doctors to say that she only had so long to live. It was a bit of a shock to me in the end - although it shouldn't have been (I was in denial also) but overall I'm glad I didn't know either. It helped keep things as normal as possible which is what she wanted. If you do want to know your dad's timeline ask him for permission to talk to his doctors. Remember it is only a best guess - they wouldn't have given my mom about 3-4 months and she lived 10 - the human spirit is amazing!!

Best wishes to you and your family. If you need/want someone to talk to - feel free to message me through mamasource.

Jennifer Parmeley

Are you on Cancercompass.com? My MIL has brain cancer (primary) and the site is very helpful if you go to the message board under the specific cancer that your loved one has. My thoughts are that this must be so hard to watch but your Dad is so lucky to have such a caring daughter. One thing to consider is what treatments will help increase his quality of life. My MIL tells me: WHat is the use of being a survivor if you have poor quality of life? Spend as much time as possible with him and tell him anything you ever wanted him to know. Dealing with my MIL I tell myself that I want to have "no regrets" about anything in her illness or later.
My thoughts are with you at this most difficult time. Keep your chin up and let God lead you through this.

Hi C., I'm so sorry you have had bad news about your dad. I lost my mom in August to cancer. First, it's very early days and you've had a shock. If it's your way of coping, it would be find someone to talk to about this - someone who is compassionate but a little removed, such as a friend. In my experience, family members can bounce off the walls.

The second thing I would suggest is that you give him space to come to terms with this in his own way. It was only in the last days that my mom accepted that she was dying. I didn't try to convince her of anything. The doctors were very negative about a cure from the beginning, but I truly didn't know but what she might recover. She prayed for a miracle, and that was her right. Miracles do happen. I think it's hard not to know how all this will go, but the best and most honest thing is to take it one day at a time. Hospice was wonderful to me and my mom toward the end. They deal with this every day, understand both your emotions and those of your loved one and also can be of great practical help if needed.

Finally, my mom was seeing angels in her room toward the end. They didn't do anything - they were just there. I figured I could do the same. It wasn't up to me to make something happen. I was just present as much as I could be. I will remember your dad, you, and your family in my prayers. God bless.

Dear C.,
I am so very sorry that the bad news seems to be piling up about your dear Father. I am so glad to hear that you are a Christian and have been talking to your Dad about it. Is your Dad a Christian, if so, your pastor would be able to offer him and you a great deal of comfort and peace at this awful time in your family's lives.
I urge you to talk to your Dad's oncologist about the possibility of using Hospice. They are going to be able to answer so many of your questions of what is coming next, when to expect things to change. I would also urge you to contact your nearest American Cancer Association...they were so wonderful to us when my Mother was dealing with cancer. They helped us with supplies, and durable medical equipment that made life so much easier while we were caring for her. They have ( or can help you get) things such as a walker, a toilet stool riser, a bath stool, sheets for hospital beds, etc etc etc.
I can tell you that each journey like this is individual, there are so many things that make it go one way or another. One of our neighbors had brain cancer, years ago, and I helped her husband by providing respite care when he needed to get away from home. As I recall it was a year or so between the time it was initially diagnosed and the time of her death. But...I do not think it was in so many other areas of her body as it sounds like it is in your Dad's. She had originally had breast cancer, years before and this is where it came from.
I will certainly be praying for you, your father and your entire family. And I urge you again to allow your children to be as involved in this process as they want to be. This is going to be a scary journey for them, but the more they understand, at their own level, the better they will be able to accept things.
In Gods' Love,
R. Ann

C.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It sounds as if you are coming to terms with the prognosis. With that said, I will tell you that every case is different, but when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastisized to this brain, it really was a short period of time before he passed away. My father was only 59 when he died, and he had no living will, so my best advice would be to make sure all legal documents are in order. The swelling on my Dad's brain made it impossible for him to speak, so with no living will in place, my brother and I had to make decisions for him. Our decision was not to continue any type of treatment since he had already been through radiation for his lung cancer. I don't think the doctor was pleased with our decision, but my father passed away 3 days later and I know in my heart, that several more doses of radiation to his brain would not have saved him.

Keep me updated C.. I will pray for you and your family. Treasure your time together. My father was second to go for me, I lost my Mom when I was 20 at the age of 48.

Peace and prayers,

C.,
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's suffering and yours. My father had melanoma and the cancer spread to his brain at the end. He started radiation (no chemo because he had been doing an experimental treatment in Atlanta for several years and just didn't want to go that route) in January, 1986 and died in March of that year. I hope your dad has more time with you; this was just our experience.

My dad was very blessed in that he (said he) had no pain. His hair fell out and he developed constant hiccups from the radiation though. There's no way to tell if this will happen in your dad's case.

My father was lucid almost up to the end. He was already a Christian. Even though my father was a pastor, he still benefitted from the hospital chaplain! My father had trouble leaving us behind.

I will pray for your father!! I pray that he will receive Jesus, if he has not done so already.

I'll pray for you and your family to have peace as well.
Blessings,
P.

Oh, C.. I lost my dad in 2006 of brain cancer. I am so sorry. Its so hard to deal with and heartbreaking. My dad had just brain cancer and not spread everywhere else, he lasted 14 months. He said it was't really very painful, just made him weak. Oral chemo didn't really make him sick, its more to prolong life, not cure them. In retrospect after he passed, I realized how weak and what a battle it was for him. I wanted him to live with the cancer as long as possible so I could hold on to him longer. After it was all done, I don't think that was better. 14 months was really hard on him knowing his death was inevitable, (really hard is a huge understatement probably). Take what God gives you and trust that He knows what is best. Maybe a shorter time isn't a bad thing. An aunt told me something at that time I'll never forget, as we were growing nearer to the end... "Death is a beautiful thing that you can make ugly if you try to hang on too long." I know its really hard on you and your family, I was there, REALLY heartbreaking. Keep talking to him and praying. God will take this bad thing and make something good of it, no matter how hopeless that seems now.

C.,
I am so sorry and am praying for your dad and you and your whole family. This is a heartbreaking situation and I cannot imagine losing one of my parents. I watched my mother go through a similar situation to you as she walked her own mother (my grandma) "home" to heaven a few years back. My grandmother chose not to have any interventions and spent her last few weeks getting everything in order. She visited with friends, family and her long-time priest. She was at peace and made the whole transition with grace and beauty and dignity.
She was assisted by wonderful Hospice nurses in her own home during her last days, who kept her comfortable and supported our family as her life here on earth was ending.

I do recommend that, whether or not he decides on aggressive treatment, you get in touch with Hospice, talk to your dad about his wishes, and as Karen said, try your best to find peace. You will all be in my prayers.

I'm sorry to hear that you received more bad news from the doctors about your Dad. It's such a tough thing to go through. My advice is to call in Hospice. They answered so many questions for us when my Mom was at the end. They were some of the most compassionate and caring people and answered each question with honesty and integrity. I will pray that your Dad will accept salvation and that it will bring him peace in the time he has left with his family. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi C., My heart is breaking for you!!! After seeing my girlfriend go through this just shortly ago, I can understand what your going thorugh. I hate to be negative but It's not going to be easy on anyone. Usually from a medical stand point, when it's spread this far, usually they are just trying to give time more than anything else. Hopefully the Chemo and Rad will help at least slow down the growths and give everyone more time with dad. But from watching Joe go through what he did, at times his became very painful and he had a hard time finding meds that would help without totally knocking him out. I know this isn't what you want to hear but spend at much time with him as you can while you have him. Try not to think about all the bad things going on right now, and try to celebrate what you have here with him today, right now. I will keep you and dad in my prayers.

L.

You,Your father and your family are in my Prayers.for you I pray for the strenth to suport him in all things he chooses to do be it treatment or not. For him I pray that god wraps him in a cloak of healing and if that is not possable that he gives him peace as quickly as possable. (these are things I pray for myself also fighting stage 4 cancer chemo seems to be working for me but is it enough?) Keep god in your lifes Prayers do help believe me I know.

May God be with you and your family
M. N

C.,

Just wanted to let you know that I am continuing to pray for your father and the rest of your family. God Bless you all.

Trish

C. - I just lost my dad three weeks ago today. He went into the hospital for surgery and was in ICU for 3 1/2 weeks. I know it's tough to see a parent in that situation. All I can say is stay strong in your faith, and if you have a church home/family, be sure to lean on them, and on any other friends as well....They want to help you! Just keep a positive attitude for your dad and your kids. I spent those weeks worrying about my dad (and my mom) and all the "what if's". As much time as we spent at the hospital with him, it was hard but it was harder when I was along. God is with you and with your dad and you will just need to put your trust in him. I will be sure to lift you and your dad up in prayer! God Bless all of you!

I agree with the ladies that say to be positive and help your father to have a positive outlook too. Time spans for living vary and it is true that a cancer patient's attitude often does affect how long he/she lives. It may not cure them of cancer, but the positive attitude does often prolong their stay here of earth.
We had a gentleman at our church who had cancer and was told that even with treatment he would only live six months at best. His son was a junior in high school and his daughter was a freshman. His wife and kids were in shock, but turned to the church, to God, and to prayer. He also was a strong Christian and trusted God with his outcome. He ended up living for five more years! He even attended a rock concert just two weeks before he passed away! Hospice was great (His family told us this) and he passed peacefully.
Each case is different. Remember above all to honor your father's wishes. It is his life and as much as he wants a miracle (and you do too), remember that quality of life is also a factor. Some people choose to use every medical intervention possible while others prefer to enjoy their final days without the effects of chemo/radiation.
Best wishes to you all. I will pray for you all. Hopefully, God will grant you either the miracle you desire or the peace to accept his passing. God bless you. As difficult as it is right now, remember that you have many people praying for you and you are surrounded by God's angels.
K.

I am very sorry to hear your horrible news. Just stay positive I know medicine has changed and they can do a lot more now then even last year. I wish I could give you some good advice but I have not had to go through this with a parent. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you in your sad times. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless!

Hi C., I am so sorry to hear about your dad... I lost
my mom to lung cancer 27 years ago. I know exactly how you
are feeling, and know that we will be praying for you and
your family. You will surprise yourself how strong you
can be, god will give you the strength. And also your
dad. I went through all the treatments with my mom, we
were together through the whole thing as I took her to her
treatments and doctor appointments. I was so scared in the
beginning, but I talked to all of her doctors every day
and educated myself on her cancer. Even though her prognosis
wasn't good she lived for two years. I am so grateful for
that time we spent together and I think about it everyday!
It is scarey and you feel so helpless, but just hang in
there and spend as much time with him as you can. You will
be so glad you did! Every case is different so just listen
to the doctors and asked questions. God Bless, L. Sanders

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad.

We just lost a friend to colalrectal cancer. She was diagnosed 9/2008 with the cancer in the colon, spots on the liver and tumors in the liver. In Dec 2008 they told her she had brain cancer. She just passed away 3/23/08 and she did go through chemo. This kind of cancer seems to be so vicious and fast spreading.

Say and do all you need to now with your Dad. I didn't get that chance my Dad.... he was taken suddenly and unexpectedly and boy I wish I had that chance but it wasn't to be.

L.

Hi. So Sorry to hear about your dad's condition. I am a mommy of 4 angels-ages 11,7,3,5 mths. but I am also a minister. I will pray for not only your dad but for your family also for this indeed is a sad and scary situation. God can give peace in this dificult time of your lives. Again I am sorry about your dad's condition.

C., Every case is so different. My dad's small cell lung caner was discovered in October 05. He had chemo and then radiation (there is no surgery for this type) In late April 06 the MRI showed it had spread to the brain. The hardest thing at that time for him was that he had to stop driving. The first two months he still had some fight in him and it was difficult. By July 06 he had mellowed. He was on steroids and puffed up. The last few months he was compliant and in no pain. He was still walking 2 1/2 weeks before he died, very slowly. He was in a coma the last week but we know he heard us as his eyes would flicker or a portion of his body would move. He died at home with my mother and sister beside him. Sad but very peaceful. He died in Feb 2007 about 1 1/2 after diagnosed.

I will pray for your dad and you and your family. Miracles do happen.
V.

C.,

I usually don't respond to post but, yours hit very close to home. My mother died in 2002 of exactly what your father is going through. Her first bout of colon cancer came in 1997 and returned in spring of 1999. The cancer spread from colon, to liver to lungs. In the winter of 2000 my mother had 60% of her liver removed and was on radiation for about a year. She was a fighter and lasted until the spring of 2002. The range of emotions that come before final acceptance can take a toll, but know that your unconditional love for him will help every step of the way.

C.-
I know what you're going through. My Mother was diagnosed with cancer early September of last year. It started in her lungs and spread to her brain, liver and bones. It was the fast growing kind. She passed away 5 weeks after she was diagnosed (Oct. 10th). She was on life support and we chose to take her off of it. It was a very difficult time and still is hard to deal with of course (I feel like crying now writing this). It's helpful to be around loved ones...my sister, brother and sister-in-law (they came in from Toledo,OH) were all there when she passed. It happened so quickly we didn't get a chance to let the diagnosis even sink in. It sounds cliche but time does heal all wounds. It's tough to lose a parent especially if you're close to them. It feels like your whole life is uprooted and you're losing someone that taught you everything and raised you to be the person you are today. Hang in there and I will say a prayer for you :)