Hello all! Just a question about how to straighten out our rough morning routine.....my 5 year old has a very hard time when I drop him off at his preschool in the morning. This is his first year going every day, as I am working more now, and he cries "crocodile" tears every morning that I drop him off. He ends up having a great day and enjoying his friends and his school, but the mornings are really tough (on both of us). Our routine is to have a couple hugs and kisses before entering his school and again at his classroom; however, the couple hugs and kisses turn into, "Just one more kiss, Mommy" (and that turns into a few more hugs and kisses and tears upon tears). I have been reassured that he is fine after a few tearful minutes, but I am still in need of a better drop off routine (because I don't want him missing out on the fun activities of his morning because of tears and missing me). I feel like I need to make our goodbye a bit shorter, but I am having a hard time walking away when he's upset. Also, his old school had more kids and more teachers, so one of the teachers was able to engage him into play. He is running to the classroom door, calling to me, and I am struggling; meanwhile, his teacher ends up pulling him (gently but firmly) away from the classroom door, and I can hear him crying as I walk down the hallway.
Okay...long explanation...I'm asking if any of you have suggestions for making this transition a bit smoother??
Thanks everyone!!
First of all, thank you all for the words of wisdom and advice! We began a new "routine" this week, and it has gone much more smoothly! Minimal tears and a quicker departure!! Each one of your responses was helpful and gave me some extra confidence to persevere!! Thanks so much!!!
Short and sweet is the only way to go. As long as he is fine within a few minutes, everything is good.
It will eventually end. Just hang in there. And be glad that it's happening now instead of in Kindergarten.
Try stopping the hugs and kisses at the car. Doing the hugs and kisses at the car AND then the classroom is teaching him that he has a chance to delay, drag out the leaving.
When you get to the classroom a quick hug, kiss on the head, and rub on the back.
Leave him with the challenge of 'What is one happy thing you will do or learn today?'
When he tells you, respond with 'Awesome, you can tell me all about it at the end of the day'. Then walk away.
You are going to have to fake not having a hard time. He is sensing your anxiety and is amplifying it. There will be a transition period as he breaks the habit of calling after you, but...
Ask about what he plans to do today at school on the way stay upbeat about the fun he'll have.
Stay positive when you drop him off.
Make it short - one kiss, have a good day, walk away smiling (you can break down later if necessary)
Don't return or turn back.
Have you tried the book The Kissing Hand and then you give him a kiss that sticks to his hand all day long?
I would give him a big hug and big kiss, smile and be on your way. I realize that it's hard for you to hear him cry, but since he does adjust shortly, turn your ears off and head out.
I would also ask the teachers if they could help redirect him some in the AM. How does preschool start? At my DD's school, there's always something new to check out in the AM. Today they built a fake cow and let the kids "milk" a water-filled plastic glove. DD barely got her coat hung up before she was inspecting the cow. Can you peek into the room and say, "Wow, DS, you should go check out what Mrs. Teacher has on the craft table!" Then head out.
He begs and cries because it works to make you stay. When DD has an extra tough morning, she might get two kissing hands, but then I have to go. I remind her that she'll have fun and get to tell me all about it after lunch.
Keep your dropoffs short and sweet. Yes, you can hear him crying as you walk down the hall, but I have no doubts he stops within the minute.
My daughter did this every morning for an entire semester (I was attending college) when she was 3. First day of the second semester went fine, she never had another bad dropoff. My little guy started preschool 5 days a week last month, he's 3.5, had a few bad days but we kept it consistent, a hug, a kiss and "I'll see you later!" with a smile from me. He's fine!
This is actually what everyone in the business recommends. Hang in there, it will pass. HUGS.
Ditto H..
It sounds like the two hug/kisses sessions is a bit too much. It sets the tone for "just one more". Cut it down to one or the other--either outside the building, OR at the door of the classroom. Or choose a place in between... just only go through the process ONCE.
Explain what will happen next, then follow through. Short and sweet. I didn't even walk my 4 year old into his K4 class after the first week or so. He gave me a kiss in the car (before the line got us up to the building where people could see) and he was ready to get out and go.
Too much huggy/kissy/neediness on either of your parts, begets more of the same. Foster independence instead. He can do this. And so can you.
Best of luck.
Walk him in. Give him kiss. Tell him you will see him later and leave. Short and sweet. You need to get strong. He is fine. You are just making things 100 times worse. Kiss, goodbye very quickly and leave if you want what is best for him.
how much time do you have together before leaving home?
how rushed are you as you get out the door?
how much do you talk/sing with him on the way?
as you walk into the building, tell him clearly. "Okay, one kiss/hug at the door, & then I will see you tonight". You do this at the door, have that teacher ready for him (time for a conference with her to make sure she's on board), & leave. No looking back. Hard, I know, but it makes life easier for all involved.
Oh, & the fact that this is a different school also factors in. You may have to use a reward system to break him of the tears. With the reward system, you give him a token (small toy) at home. He gets to play with the toy on the way to school. At school, he has to not cry + show his teacher the toy. Together they put it away (in his backpack) + they add a sticker to a sticker chart (in the backpack). At the end of the week, you give your son a surprise.....or whenever he hits the Magic 5! Good Luck!
My suggestion is to only do "x" amount of kisses and hugs each and every time. He will ask for more because he wants it. You could give him 50 and it wouldn't be enough - he'd up the ante each time just "because". Don't do it. You need a short and sweet routine.
You are lucky BECAUSE they are crocodile tears. Sometimes they aren't! So do the same amount of hugs and kisses each morning and then disappear without any show of concern or worry. Smile on your face and GO!
It might not make it smooth right away, but a month from now there will be no more crocodile tears and you will not have to worry about a long drawn out goodbye ritual. It is a mistake to get manipulated into that at ANY point, H..
Stop struggling, do your teacher a kindness and just get out regardless of his tears. No more letting him pull you back in to this morning drama. I promise it will get better after he REALLY understands that you aren't going to continue to play into it.
Sending you strength~
Dawn
My 2 year old transitioned to the two year room at the end of August and we have just started having drop offs by Mama without tears. He has been fine when Daddy drops off from about the first week. For me, it was tears, Mamammamamamamama yelling and clutching my leg to try to keep me from leaving and lots of NOnonoonono. He understands lots even when he isn't super verbal so I've been telling him he will go to school, have lunch, have a nap and then Mama will pick him up and he is much better. Still a bit timid going into the class but no crying and nicely giving me a hug and kiss and waving bye-bye.
Try making sure that he knows what will happen in order (not by time), reassure that he will be picked up and then short and sweet when you get there. Hang in there, he will be fine and you will too.
C.
You have ambivalence over leaving him. He knows it. Fake it till you make it! You are not leaving him needing you, you are leaving him for an adventure in learning. You are training him to look forward in life not backward. When I let my first off at the door of kindergarten and told him, have a great day..and he turned to me and said I will, that was a milestone day in my parenting life! That's what your son is training for. That's your goal. Now go and be his coach for that day to come!
Start out in the car and tell him this is what's going to happen. You will give me a hug and a kiss and they you go play. When they know your expectations are firm. It may be heard the first few times but then it should get easier.
The goodbye HAS to be shortened, that's the only way to get over this hump. Walk him into the class, give him a kiss & hug, say goodbye & leave.
Also, how are YOU conducting yourself during drop off? If you are sad, stressed, anxious, then he is most definitely feeding off of you. You have got to fake it until you make it, and keep it together. I think that 90% of the time when kids freak out, it's because their parents are doing the same thing.
Hi, H.:
He is learning the hard lessons of life: LOSS! He is adjusting to change.
This is what we have to learn in life. Self-Soothe.
You are doing the right thing. Just keep doing it and he will
learn to adjust to change, as we all do. You also are trying to adjust.
You wrote us for some ideas because you didn't know what was going on.
Life!
Good luck.
D.
You have to toughen up. He senses that you're having a hard time with it which makes him have an even harder time. Stop with the hugs and kisses before you get to the classroom. One kiss, one hug and you walk away. The more you daudle, the longer it will take to get this to stop.
You could get the book "The Kissing Hand." It's about a baby raccoon who was afraid to leave his mom to go to school. I've used the technique and it does work!
Ditto Victoria, you've set the "just one more" machine in motion. Add more hugs and kisses to your wake up routine before getting dressed and eating breakfast. Then stick to one kiss one hug cuz we had extra at wake up time.
Keep the conversation about fun things at school. I wonder what you'll have for snack? I wonder if you'll play on the playground, I wonder who will be the helper, I wonder if your friend Jo will be there?
What helped my (younger) son was reading books together such as "I Love You All Day Long" and "I Don't Want to Go to School".
What I think helped him the most was to tell him that whenever he missed me all he had to do was look up at the sky and I would be sending him a kiss that very moment. This seemed to comfort him quite a lot.
If he is having trouble give more kisses when you wake him up and then do car drop off. It will be quick and he will have no time for tears.
He's old enough to help you come up with another FUN routine to replace this sad one. I am not a fan of the quick goodbye and exit if he is upset.
Suggestions:
Replace it with a song you both sing or the alphabet game in the car. Take turns each day deciding the song you get to sing in the car. While you are walking to the classroom say the alphabet backwards or count your steps from the car to the door or just something silly like goofy rhyming words. Skip to the classroom. Play follow the leader to the classroom. Tell him his job is to remember at least 3 fun things he did that day and tell you all about them when you pick him up. You start the phrase, " Mom always...." and he finishes, "comes back!" and give him a big hug and smile and remind him about his "job". Just keep both your minds busy with fun stuff and skip the sad stuff.
I just thought of one more--maybe you could pick up a friend once in a while on the way to school and have him join in on the silly stuff.
