Mother and Ex

Can I say maybe she hired him because she trusts him to be in her home. He is not a stranger and she may feel comfy with him there. Ok now with that said ........I would not like it either!! My husband would not like it at all. So who is right. I think you are because I do feel its disrespectful, but I do see why she is doing it.

It sounds like you have already decided to not make a big deal out of it, which I think is good, but I just wanted to say that you should be thankful he is just gardening. My ex from high school has become my parents' best friend! LOL! Any time he in town on leave (from the Army), he swings by my parents' house. He calls them, emails them from wherever he is stationed, and he attends as many family holiday gatherings as his schedule allows...They were even invited to his wedding...but I wasn't. My poor husband had a hard time with it at first because they were not happy when we got engaged, and yet they seemed to adore my ex. Now we laugh about it...

I can see why you feel a little weird about it, but it sounds like she is just helping him out.

As long as she isn't inviting him over for family gatherings. =)

One other comment---maybe she wants to hire someone she knows, because she feels safer not having strangers around. I know someone who had a couple of weird gardeners before, one who actually stole from her.

If you have no feelings for the guy "one way or the other", what's the problem? He needs some money, your mom needs some help, she knows him--- I can't see where it's any business of yours. If he fixed refridgerators for a living, would you be upset if she called him to fix a broken fridge? You're making this about you, it's not. Be grateful she found someone to help her without hiring a stranger. That could be dangerous nowadays.

Do you have some type of suspicion that he is doing this get to you or hurt your mom in some way? Are there any unresolved feelings (positive or negative) left over from the relationship or something you are uncomfortable with? Did he hurt you? If there is nothing negative to regard this situation with, and you answered 'no' to all of the questions - I would let it go.

She is right, it's her house. Sounds like he is someone she trusts in and around her home. She sounds sweet trying to help someone out in a time of need. If you drop by and he is there, so be it. You have your life and he has his...

Hi J.,
The first question that comes to my mind after reading you post is: Why does it bother you so much if you have -- like you say -- moved on? For me, moving on is really about letting go. So, unless I am missing an important part of the story, I don't think it's a big deal. He sees your photos at your mom's house... ok... and? 2 of my exs are on Facebook and they see my pictures as much as I see theirs. Doesn't really bother me. We've moved on, continued our lives and I am happy that they have found what works for them.
My 2 cents: not worth getting into an argument with your mom, that's giving too much power to someone from the past :)

Sorry, I honestly think you're making a big deal out of nothing. You obviously know he is there helping her, so call before you come over to make sure he won't be there. Sounds like she is just helping him out since he has lost his job, it is really nothing you should be so angry about.

Sometimes there has to be a point where you decide to let it go. You can't win an argument by being a "right fighter". If you both think you're right, and obviously you do, since the argument hasn't been resolved, then one of you needs to step up and be the bigger person by saying "you know, I'm sorry that I got so upset about........I wish you wouldn't have him work there for you, but I realize it's not my business, and I'm sorry I got so upset."

Well, I'm with you mom because I don't understand why you have a problem with it either. Sorry, but your mom is completely in the right here. She can hire whoever she wants to do work for her. It would be different I think, if this guy had been abusive or a total louse to you but you don't say that's the case.

You say you are happily married, have moved on and have no feelings either way towards him right? If all that is true then this shouldn't even be a blip on your radar screen. How on earth is it disrespectful towards you? Obviously this guy wasn't some monster while you dated him or you would have said, you have been with your husband long enough to have 2 kids. So I just don't get what the big deal possibly could be.

There are far bigger things to get upset about in this life and this ain't one of them.

I applaude your mom for thinking of helping out a family friend who could use the work and money in his pocket. The world is tough enough without being vindictive over nothing.

If my dad hired one of my ex's to do work around the house I wouldn't even think twice about it unless it was the one guy who was a total jerk. Again, you aren't telling us that this guy is/was that way so no reason to be upset. I'm friendly with several of my ex's. I wouldn't run the other direction or be mad if I saw them somewhere but I also don't go out of my way to see them either. I think of them just like you said-"don't really feel ill-will or any positive feelings one way or the other".

I think your mother is in the right. Sorry. If you really put it all behind you, you wouldn't have written this post.

The guy needs a job and your mom needs weeds pulled. End of story. She's getting help while helping out a friend. If she is inviting him over to family gatherings then you have a reason to be upset, but I think you're not as over it as you portray for whatever your reasons are. You have told your mom your worries of not being able to trust him, therefore, your job is done. She knows your concerns and that you're looking out for her, but she is a grown woman and is allowed to make her own decisions.

your mom has a right to hire him, especially if he is a family friend, you definitely have the right to tell your mom that you are uncomfortable with it and in no way want to see the ex and want to be told if he is going to be at her home when you may be there, so you do not have to run into him. Also you have the right to ask your mom not to talk about you to the ex,
yeah, try to get over it

Why do you actually care? He's not pulling weeds in *your* yard. And if you're really concerned about running into him at her house, call before you go over there. Why is it a big deal that he's seen pictures of you with your family? She's not asking you to interract with him in any way. And he hasn't attempted or shown interest in reaching out to you in any way.

I have to agree with your mom, as I also don't understand why you have a problem with it. I think you're overreacting. Maybe you're still hurt by whatever he did to you while you were dating? It just doesn't sound like you've let it go. Otherwise, I honestly don't think you'd give it a second thought.

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I think your mom has every right to do what she wants, it is Her life. Many daughters think they can tell their moms what to do and it is not right unless there is a darn good reason. My daughters tend to do that & I don't like it. My life is mine, and their life is theirs. I think it's great that your mom and your ex have a relationship, and like many others said, she obviously trusts him and he needs the money. Loosen up, there are too many things in life to really worry about...things that are far more serious. Be glad she didn't hire a stranger and end up hurt or ripped off. Excuse my bluntness, and have a great moms day with your mom.

I am going with your mother here. The woman probably has a limited pool of people in need enough of money to yank dandelions without complaint. You don't have to see him. If you're worried about it, you can start calling ahead to ask if he's over there. You're not as over the whole situation as you think if this random bozo pulling weeds in a place you don't have to be is hurting your feelings.

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I agree with you. I would not want my mom hiring my ex to do work around the house. There are tons of people she can hire to do that, why on earth does it have to be one of your ex's?

I love your line that "he's probably trustworthy enough to pull weeds"...I'd let it go. The less you make of it the better. The best way to send a signal that you don't care and have moved on is to do just that...don't care. There isn't really a right or wrong here to me-I think I'd just pick my battles with Mom and this wouldn't be one. Who knows what's driving your mom-maybe nothing. But, you're fine and don't let this affect you! Happy Mother's Day!

Hello J., Sounds like you have more past histories issues than you know. She hired him to do work not invade your life.
I love my daughter in laws and son in laws but they have to be adults and know that my chidlren dated others before them and no one is talking about "the old days"
I have several of my sons old girl friends that still come to visit and even some that bring their children over, One son's family goes camping with an old girl- fiend and her family of 4 children and the guys are the best of friends. They moved on a long time ago. I have had a talk with my daughter in law that had a problem withit and flatly said I pick my friends, they have ben here many years andthey are not a threat to you becasue HE CHOOSE YOU. If it gets uncomfortable then I remind them they are all adults not children anymore. So I guess I side with your mother on this one based on our experiances.

I can see your point; however, I think what she did was nice to help him out with him being unemployed.

It's not like she is trying to get you back with him or anything. I think you are being a bit silly about the whole thing.

If you aren't comfortable being around your ex, simply ask your mother to be sure you know when he will be there so you won't be dropping by and have to see him. It really is her business how much contact she has with him, but she needs to also respect your wishes not to have contact with him.

J., does your mom live with you? Personally I would feel uncomfortable with my ex there too if it was at our house. So I would side with you on this one.

But if mom is living at her own house, then I would just tell her to go for it.

Hope this helps.

Your mom is right. just because you broke up with him, doesn't mean he can't be friends with or help your mom out. I have to say if it bothers you so much, maybe you're not really over him nor as happy as you profess to be.

I think that if you really have no feelings about him and you've really moved on, this shouldn't bother you at all. The fact that you're so upset about it indicates some residual feelings there. Everyone has ex-boyfriends/girlfriends. Most of us don't freak out if they somehow come into our orbit or we see them in public. I think it's nice of your mom to hire him when he's out of work. If she kept in touch with him, they now have a friendly relationship that has nothing to do with you. So, I gotta side with Mom on this one.

Well, it is a little odd, I do mostly agree with you...but maybe you're overreacing just a bit? Maybe you can just talk with your mom and apologize for getting so upset and maybe reach a compromise that if she needs any other work she can hire someone else? Although, if she kept in touch with him via email (which I just saw in your question) then really, it's not that weird. If you don't have a problem with that, then why this? Although, if I may say, I think it's a little odd she's emailing him too, but who am I??!