Mother-in-law vs Wife "Summer Planning"

I'm with Maggie, you should go too. Stay for a week or so then take the 4 year old back with you and leave the older one there for a month. Then when the 4 year old is older... you decide the age... she can go by herself and her sister.

Wow, I would just tell her 2-3 weeks or they can't come. Make up some excuse about the kids having lots of acitvities you have signed them up for. And thats all the time their schedules would allow!! Got to have some back up plans!! Go to her prepared, cause she'll come back to you with something!!

I am just adding my two cents... Did your in-laws raise your husband well? I know that you don't want to be without your children, but this is an exciting life event for these them. If you trust your in-laws (& It sounds like you do) then why not let your children go? What else will they do all summer?

We used to go for a month or more during the summer to my grandma's (granted she was only ~3 hrs away), but we learned a lot & had fun! She had a farm & she live the lifestyle. Up at sunrise, 3 square meals a day, work hard to keep things up & in bed at sun down. We didn't watch t.v., etc.

I see both you & hubby work - so where does that leave your children all day.. with a sitter, etc? Grandparents only want to love their grandchildren & they will not be on this earth as long as you. Let your children enjoy their grandparents & vise versa - while they are still here.

The only concern is if they were incapable (as in too old or unhealthy, etc.)

I believe the ideas from Erika is great (one of you fly up w/the children for a few days and then leave the 10yr old for another couple of weeks. Especially with that age difference siblings would love a little time a part. I strongly believe in the idea that a community should raise our children... they shouldn't be sole directed by the parents. That is how children learn & grow... outside of the "box".

Compromise, Compromise, Compromise. I know you said you tried telling them 1 1/2 wk and they said no....just go back and compromise more. This is family --- and close family at that. You must work at this relationship to keep it together. Your children will grow up to resent you if you don't. [my mom stopped talking to her mother for 10 yrs...i resent her for that because my grandmother couldn't come to anything that my mom was at ...my birthdays, my graduations, my wedding, etc.] As they grow up, they might get jealous of kids that talk about having close bonds with their grandparents and wish they had that. I know I had discussions like this with friends - as a child. Children need to have strong relationships with their grandparents. They need to have that relationship with an older person in their life...to have that perspective on life; and learn to respect and care for elders - when they get older.
Did you have a close relationship with your grandparents?

And WHAT A BLESSING it is to have grandparents in their life that love and care about them soooo much!!! It is a HUGE blessing! Trust me -- I have seen grandparents that could care less about their grandkids -- they NEVER want see them and the parents are so jealous of my parents and inlaws that love to spoil my son rotten.
Please try to put yourself in your MIL's shoes. She's older, an empty-nester, all her kids are grown, she has all this time on her hands...and now perhaps, she may even have some regrets about how she raised her kids...now in her older age...she wants another chance at affecting a child's life in great ways. I've heard from many older, mentor lady friends of mine (who are grandmas) and they all give me their side of things when I complain about my MIL. They all say...that they just want to shower love over their grandkids. That at first you think that having kids is the best thing in the world but then you are blessed with grandkids...and it's so amazing then, too. Grandkids are thier life. They live to spend anytime at all with these kiddos, and it makes their week/month/year to have that time. [from her point of view, you get to see the kids for 50 wks out of the yr...she's only asking for 2.]

There's really not much difference between 1 1/2 wk and 2 wks....really there's not. So why not let them have 2 wks there? They'll have a great time on a ranch in Oregon! Wish I was going! Or is this more of a "I'm right-She's wrong" issue where you just want to win the battle? Don't let that rule your decision-making. This is family that you'll have to deal with for the rest of your life...you must work at a peaceful compromise - for the sake of the children.
I know it's hard, [and you sound like you're a Christian,] but pray for God to change YOUR heart to see a peaceful compromise. So often, we ask God to change the "other person" rather than looking at ourselves...perhaps God is allowing difficult circumstances to happen in order to shape and mold our hearts. God bless!

I have mixed feelings on this as I'm sure your husband does.

I think letting your children go for a few weeks is great. I spent a few weeks a summer with my grandmother nearly every year. I loved having those moments being spoiled and getting to know my grandmother. I can't replace those memories now that she is gone. I can tell you every time I hear a mocking bird sing in the morning or eat fresh blackberries, I think of her and those days. I can honestly say I don't think I ever thought of my mom when I was at my grandmother's house.

That being said, I have our first baby on the way. My selfishness tells me that I too will be clingy, but I hope that is just in the beginning. I want my kids to be able to experience life without me holding them back with my needs.

It sounds like your daughter had a great time at grandma's and since you work, what would you be doing with them during the day anyway? They have a little less than 3 months to be off during the summer and at some point, they aren't going to want to go to grandma's. Teenagers are hard on grandparents too.

I guess I advocate them spending time with the grandparents. I would suggest a few weeks. During that time, reconnect with your husband. Reconnect with your friends. Even, reconnect with yourself. The time will pass faster than you think.

Good luck dear!

Jodi

Why don't you go too and take ALL of the kids? Stay for two weeks, or even a month, then let the older girl stay on an extra week or so without you as a special "big sis" privilege. Summers at the ranch sounds like a neat family tradition, and they're learning things and making memories with their grandparents that they will cherish forever. And, if you're husband is gone so much with his job, sounds like a nice break for you too. Personally, I'd send them on and start planning my own list of "things to do when the kids are gone." Paint a room, rearrange the furniture, clean the bathroom, go shopping alone, hang out with girlfriends, get together an annual girlfriends or couples spa weekend...Oh the possibilities are endless...

I'm with Maggie on this one. Your children are creating memories with their grandchildren they will have forever. How cool would it be to spend a summer at a ranch - and in Oregon of all beautiful places?! I don't agree that your mother-in-law has the attitude she does in regards to "she's the nana, she'll do what she wants" but at the same time it's not fair to deny your children that time with them. And it's much more exciting for your kids to be riding horses, playing in open fields, etc. than sitting at home in a house full of people. Can you go with them for a week or two? I am sure your 4 year old will do just fine without you for a couple of weeks or even a month - give her a chance! At some point you just have to let go.

-Char

I agree that time with Grandma is important. HOWEVER, my attitude regarding my children, is that I am the mother, and I make the decisions for them, not Grandma. She shouldn't be mentioning stuff to your children without first speaking to you about it. To me, that is very disrespectful. Hopefully you can come to a compromise of a couple of weeks, and your mother-in-law should respect that and see that you are giving a little. Asking you to be away from your children for a month is crazy!

I'm in a hurry, so this may not be very tactful and not everything is directed solely at you, some of the comments are directed at the other suggestions you've gotten.

Moms who want to spend every waking second with their children are being selfish. There will come a time when the grandparents are gone and your children are only left with memories. My husband spent every summer with his nana and papa and now that they are both gone, that's all he has left of them. I also spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up and cherish all the wonderful grandma/grandpa only memories I have. You will be around longer than the grandparents (God willing). Let your children create these wonderful memories before your children get to be too old to not want to be around family (gotta love teenage girls) and the grandparents get too old to keep up with children.

That being said, the 4 year old probably doesn't need to be gone 2 weeks without you. Granted, some divorced families with 4 year olds have to spend an entire summer away from their custodial parent, so it's not going to permanently damage your 4 yr old if she is gone that long.

Also, I'm not sure 4 year olds can fly alone or with the 10 year old. Do you know the flying rules? That might help give you an out. Every airline is different.

I would do this... All 3 (or 4 if you husband can go) fly up there for a week. After a week is over, you and the 4 yr old fly back home and leave your 10 yr old there for another week (or two if you can stand it). Tell Grandma that next year, both kids can stay. Giving her the phased in plan might help matters.

Just know that you will miss them dearly, but it's not the end of the world. I have a 8 year old step-daughter who, starting next year, will be 1200 miles away from her mother for the entire summer. It'll be hard, but bonding with her father is just as important as bonding with her mother. Same situation with you. Your children have the right and should enjoy the priviledge of spending extended time with their grandparents.

BTW, I have a 2 year old son and all of our family live out of state. I FULLY intend on flying him out to see his Me Me and Pa Pa in Georgia and FULLY intend on him spending time with Grandma and Grandpa in Oklahoma. Heck, I even have an aunt in AR who has a farm who wants to spend some time with him when he's older. I say GREAT!! Extended family provides a wealth of new experiences, wonderful memories, and teaches the child how truly important family is. I'll miss him when he's gone, but will be happy to know that I am doing what is best for my child.

I'm frustrated just reading that! 4....did you say FOUR YEARS OLD for a MONTH? No way! My daughters (we have twins who will be 5 in April) would freak after a few days once the novelty of 'we can do what we want b/c it's Nana's house' wore off and like you said, it's not like you can drive and get her. Problem is, and I'm sure most of us have gone through something with our in-laws, is that your husband and you NEED TO BE A TEAM and his family needs to be told things by him and your family needs to be told things by you - things that you together have agreed would be the outcome of. His parents probably miss the girls so much b/c they live so far away, but they can, I'm sure you will agree, come to TX, maybe take the girls to what, Sea World, for a weekend, then come back and stay with your family or in a nearby hotel, for a few more days to visit. I'm not a big fan of sending my children off - anything can happen and you're too far away to get to them and that is crazy for your mother-in-law to brush off your fears about. She's a Mom, she got to make HER decisions regarding HER children, now she needs to step back and reevaluate what she's requesting. Worse case senario, your older daughter is angry at you for being the MOM and making a decision that a month is too long and OR is too far at this age, and you know what, we ALL were told no to things we never thought we'd get over as children and we're all mom's now :)

I agree that YOU have the right to decide where and for how long your child is to go somewhere. I know that once my son is old enough to fly with a stuardess escort that I will be going through the same thing as you. You must set some ground rules with your husband AND his mother. Here are some that I have set.

1. I am his MOTHER
2. YOU are his GRANDMOTHER
3. I dont want him flying alone until he is in his teens I was forced to do so and it was scary when I was 8 and 9.
4. If she wants him for an extended trip I will fly out with and stay for at least half the trip or all; one of us will fly him home when the time comes.
5. Trips are NEVER to be booked without BOTH parents permission and imput.
6. This applies for ALL family aunts, uncles, grammas, grampas
7. If I say time to come home that's at no questions asked.

Good luck and stick to your own rules they are YOUR children

I want to start by saying that these children are yours. Being "Nana" gives her no rights to them, they are your children and you have final say in what they do. While spending time with grandparents is great and a summer on a ranch is a life experience, they are still your children. Put your foot down now, establish rules with your MIL and stick to them. She might resent you at first, but she will soon learn to respect your rules. Good Luck

T.,
you have been given some great suggestions. I think the best one is to set some ground rules right now with the MIL about N E V E R discussing things with the grandchild without first asking you. Also that you are the mom and seeing a grandchild and spending time is a privilege, not a right. Just so that you know, I am a grandma and have one grandchild who is now 19 that I never got to see because her mom and my son weren't married so she was 8 yo before I got to spend any time and it was precious indeed. My DIL now is expecting and I have learned to appreciate any time with the family and hopefully will be included in this grandchilds life.
good luck, I hope it all goes well for everyone.
K.

MIL's have the ability to sense tension. Don't let it get to that point because if so you have given her the power. She might just be trying to get them off your hands, giving you a break so you are your husband can spend more time together without the kids since we as parents sometimes get overwhelmed. Simply say that you miss your kids being gone for that long of a time period. She should understand as a mother how hard that is, remember she is human. Still keep in mind that you are the mother, she didn't carry them for 9 months, you did. Close your eyes and go for it, unless you want her to walk all over you about other issues for the rest of your life. Stay calm, talk honestly and don't forget to have one or two other people there with you, preferably your husband and your children too when you decide to come open about your feelings. That way she cannot turn things around making you look like the bad guy, because you'll have witnesses. Your kids need to know how you feel about the situation, that way you are not "BAD" mommy that doesn't want them to have fun, but you'll be the mommy that loves them and can stand up to others. So what if she doesn't like your answer, she'll have to deal with it and move on. She can have her grandchildren for a week or 2, or not at all, it's up to her.

I know you have gotten 'tons' of advise and my not even read this. But the real issue is your MIL not respecting your decisons and being disrespectful to the choices you and your husband make. Today it's summer vacation, next it may be where to spend holidays, programs they can or can't watch when they are there, etc. So I would approach it from that perspective with her and your husband. I wish my MIL would try and tell me what my kids were or weren't going to do! Once we were visiting my husbands aunt in NY for the first time with our son, they wanted him to ride in their car 'around the corner' to another family member without his carseat! I tried to be polite and asure them we could take our rental w/the seat or I could easily install it in their car. After they kept insisting, I stated in a firm and calm voice that he rides in in the car seat or stays here with me, Period! They looked at me like I was crazy but that was it. Put your foot down.

I would say OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!!

I give a lot to the grandparents, but they are DEFINATLY stepping over the line. If they are this pushy, it is likey your husband has difficulty confronting them. (My husband had similar problems) He has GOT to stand up to them.... read the scripture about how an husband should leave his mother and cleve to his wife. HE must be the one to do the confronting here. If you do it will look like you are trying to head the family.

If they own a ranch, then they have money to visit YOU!!!

My doctor recommeds allowing your children to be away from you 1 day for ever year of age until they are teens unless it is an emergency situation!

You will DEFINATELY be in my prayers!!! Liz

The 4 yr old is to young to go. I have a 6 yr ol and he cant even stand being away for one night. The older kids they need to go. But I do agree you are their mother and your mother in law should ask your permission before planning anything. If you dont have to work, maybe you can go there with your 4 yr old for a little while.

I know how it is to have a mother in law who thinks that because she is the grandma what she says is the law. Well I also have a mother that way. My grandparents had a ranch that was my great great grandfather place and has been passed down throgh the family over the years and with every generation it get smaller. I use to spend the summers with both sets of my grandparents on there places and wow the fun and memorys I have. My grandfathers taught me so much and my grandmothers taught me how to sew and cook. I know a mother and father should teach these things as well. But I cannot use Palmolive (original sent) today with out thinking about my grandmother kitchens and the talks we had there. My grandfather has Alztimers and what seemed like a blink of an eye he lost all his memory. He thinks he is 18 and has no kids or grand kids. I was the only grandaughter and he always told me and his friends I was his baby girl and favriot. Loosing his memory has been so emotionally devastating to me. The man who I thought of as my hero dosnt know I exhist. The memorys of the summers i spent there are the only things that keep me from crying and give me comfort when I am down and out about him. Set some ground rules. Let them all go and the younger ones only stay a week and a half and the older one stay longer. I know how you feel about them being gone, but if your inlaws were gone do you want your children to have memoies of you keeping them from going?

I would say, "2 weeks with the older one, and the 4 year old is too young, maybe in 2 years. Period".

No room for compromise, no discussing the matter. You don't need to give excuses, reasons for your decision or to apologize. ("I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable with her being gone so long"...) That means you are willing to negotiate and just need some nudging to change your mind.

I believe it is very good for them to spend time up there, it sounds fun and would be great bonding time with the grandparents, (heck, I wanna go!), but the fact of the matter is they are just so young and what another poster said, the 4 year old might be uncomfortable up there for so long without mom and dad.

Make a decision and stick to your guns.
*Remember you teach people how to treat you! If you want to be a pushover than allow them to treat you like one. If you remain firm (not mean, but firm), then they will learn to respect you.

I know you have so many responses, but I thought I leave my 2 cents in too. I have been in travel industry for 15 years and it is not easy for children to fly. I do reccommend only older children.

Now I am a Married and my Mother iN law wants my oldest son for some time in the summer and he is 3 1/2 and I cannot let him go. I feel he is too young. He won't go to bed without MOmmy and Daddy both putting him to bed. We all go for a visit
but just not alone yet.

When I was 5 I would go with my Grandparents on trip sand stuff but only for 1 week and then as I got oldesr 2 weeks.
If they only see Grnadma 1 or 2 a year they may not feel comfortable staying without Mommy there.

I had to make the decision or my son would been far away,
and I couldn't of gotten to him.

Stand your ground and they will respect it, especially if
they love the child.

You need to STAND YOUR GROUND!!! There is no way I would let my children spend an entire month away from home at such a young age. My time with them is too valuable. You were very reasonable offering up a week of time away from you. You are in no way being unreasonable. They could travel too see their grandchildren instead of putting you through the stress of having to get the children hundrends of miles away and leaving them for long periods of time. You are 100% right. THere will be a time when you have time away from your children. Before you know it, they are grown. You spend all the time with you want. If is at the expenses of hurting the gradparents feelings, so be at. They are your children!
You can create lasting memories that do not include another state and to much time apart.

Geez, I am SO sorry. I read through your post and do not get a clear sense of which side your husband is on. If he is in agreement with you (and my opinion is he should be because you are the mom and get to make the decisions NOT grandma)then I feel that since it is his mom, he should be the one to lay down the law and say one week or nothing. If he is not willing to do this, it does put you in a tough spot. But you are the children's mother, you get to make the decisions!! You are not trying to keep them from her, you are trying to compromise and she does not seem to care. Stand your ground, you are not doing anything wrong. My mother in law is very strong willed as well, and usually I just have to be real direct with her or inlist my husband to say "no way!".

I'm sorta having a similiar situation, but it sounds like your's is more severe. I agree with you on the "I only have a certain amount of time with them" thing. I'm only able to have 1 child, and I'm going to spend all the time I can with him. There is no reason that my m-i-l or mother needs to have
several days alone with my son. They had their kids (both had 2 each), and their days as parents are done. Now is your time to be a parent. You need to talk to her yourself. My dh & m-i-l situation is the same...husband stuck in the middle not choosing sides while you duke it out. It's frustrating, but I would say something at this point.

I also told my mom one time that if she continues to fight with me then she will not be seeing her grandson. I'm not going to put my son in the middle of all this. Now that she has left me alone, I have let her babysit (just a few hours) more. Just remember...you are their parent, not her!

My 2 suggestions are:

1. Go up there with them.

2. Let them (or your older one) go up for a week. No more. If she balks, then tell her that is your final offer. One week or nothing.

Good luck with all of this, and I hope you let us know what happened!!

Wow,are you sure we don't have the same in-laws....mine are wanting to take my 15 month old daugher home with them all of the time....and they only live 3 hours away. I agree that you should be the one that makes the decision about how long your children will be gone. I know when I even think about mine being away from me for any length of time it breaks my heart,mainly because I know she is not ready. My in-laws keep asking at what age she will be ready....I just joke back and tell them to ask me when the terrible two's approach. My MIL is very strong willed(sound familiar) and my husband never stands up to them, making me the evil one(ugh!) I of course know they love her, and know they will take care of her, however ...I guess that need to protect never goes away no matter what age they are. You can always go for the package deal...you all go together...that is about the only way we will do this for now. I have wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents, and I don't want to take that away from my baby, however times are different and families don't live in the same town, let alone state...down the street, or in the same city I would understand a bit more. This is such a tough decision for you....I hope it all works out peacefully.

btw, if it were my decision, I would NEVER let my children go ANYWHERE for a month ....I love my baby and enjoy spending time with her every moment I get, and I would feel like my heart was missing without her for that long.

I know exactly how you feel! My in-laws live near New Braunfels & own several acres. My MIL wants my girls (ages 3 & 5) to come down at different times to spend time with her. I told her this is solely on MY decision because I'm the one who has to drive the girls back & forth & then deal with the other child on why they can't go & have to wait their turn. I'm more than happy to bring both girls down w/ me & we all stay there for a week & then go home. This is working out alot better.

As a child, starting at age 8, (I'm an only child) I use to fly up to Iowa & spend a month at a time with my grandparents. But my dad didn't have problems with his in-laws so all was well. I, personally, think having your 4 yr. old fly so far away is too young (without you). Are you able to go spend two weeks at the ranch with your daughters too?

The in-laws should not be asking the child if they want to come visit - they should be asking the parents! Stand your ground & firmly discuss this matter. You're not creating problems - you're creating a better relationship between yall. These are YOUR children & it's up to you on what you want.

This is just my personal opinion....I'm in the same boat. :)

I'm going to be less specific than the other ladies.

You and your husband need to sit down and decide what is acceptable amount of time for both children. Don't worry about his attitude, etc, they are his children too and all of this should not be put on you!! Once you make a decision, your HUSBAND should call HIS parents and TELL them what your decision is. I know this sounds harsh, but that is what a man should do, stick up for his wife and family. I'm sure his mom will get over it!! and it will be much less of a fight coming from him, especially if he stress that this was a decision that y'all made together.

I know all of this sounds hard, but you have to make a stand NOW for what you think is best for your family. We have a rule in our house, I deal with my side and he deals with his, but we never waiver from the decisions we have made together.

I wish you luck, I know it's hard, and you have be put in a very hard place!!

Hello T.,

I once heard that Grand Parents want to do with their grand kids what they missed out with their own. This may be the case with your in-laws, look at it in a positive way, God knows how long they are going to be around and is best to have them on your side then against you. Think about it as the chance for you and your hubby to go on a trip by yourselves and reboot your relationship. Don't make your kids and husband feel like they have been pulled and twisted in the middle, instead plan with them and enjoy your kids being loved by the family. Best of luck to you...