Mother-in-laws

I really feel for you i've been in the same boat and i know how annoying it can be. I don't think she is ever really gonna get it they never do. Honestly i think you may need to cut off the babysitting and maybe she will open her eyes. Easy for me i just moved out of state and now problem solved.LOL Good luck!!

Maybe we can use this to help us be good MIL.

I have to agree with another respondant. Let your husband do the talking. Try not to say too much, she may not like hearing it from you. Maybe also try to set some ground rules, ie what to ask you in advance. Grandparents, especially the ones that live close, are a blessing.

Good luck

E. W

PS I do have difficult in-laws but they mean well.

Dear E.,

Here is my point of view; you are the mother of your son no matter what anyone else does. No one can take that away from you!

Your going to have to decide if this is worth it or not. Ask yourself "was there any harm to the pacifyer?" Consider that you have committed yourself to your husband AND his family. Starting early on, with these types of issues is not good. I say, let it go! If you act as if you do not care, then she cannot rub you the wrong way.

There is a special bond between mother's and son's. You will see this with your son. By you having a problem with your husbands Mom, could put your husband in a very difficult situation. Let it go, and let any incidents rub off your back like water on a duck. Otherwise your setting up a situation where she is going to drive you nuts for many years, and this is, or can be DEADLY to a marriage.

Remember YOU are the ONE and ONLY Mother. She is also the Grandmother, which is special too. Just do the best you can and if you just hold onto this idea, I think things can go better.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
D.

First of all, let me say I'm a VSU alum. Go Blazers. Anyway, I am in the same situation as you... living in husband's home town with his family, not mine. And I'm guessing that living in Valdosta, we're talking about a good, old-fashioned Southern family who believes in three things... God, football, and doing things the Southern way... which generally means whichever way they choose to do it at the time is just plain right.
You are in a situation where tact has to matter (even if it doesn't to them always!). You are asking for babysitting services, so there is a delicate balance between your way and relenting a little. Things like the pacy... that's YOUR way. No exceptions. You don't want your child to have it, he DOESN'T get it. You need not compromise. Did you bring a pacy or did she have one lying around? Could you manage to "accidentally" lose it while you're there one day? Then it won't be an issue. Are you close enough, or is your husband, that you can lay down a few non-negotiable rules like no pacy EVER, no sweet tea in the bottle (a biggie in Valdosta!), and only Huggies diapers... whatever your rules are. Then relax on a few others, like bed at 8 rather than 7:30, etc.
If the family is simply unreceptive to your ground rules (and if your husband is unwilling to step in and make things clear to them) you may literally have to do exactly what you said... cut off the babysitting until they take the hint. I've been there, done that. It has backfired before. They seemed to rather appreciate not being put into a babysitting position. But eventually the babysitting resumed, the groundrules were laid out, and there was a mostly mutual understanding.
Good luck and best wishes!

I think that you should get a sitter rather than leaving him with your in-laws. If you leave the child with family or friends, when you go out, they may or may not follow your rules. You can not make them follow your rules. When you are paying someone and asking them to do the job -- you tell them what goes and what does not. If you are taking favor by asking friends or relatives, then you have to just bite your toungue and be happy that the kids are safe and loved.
I have three young boys and I know by experience, they will get lots of sweets and do everything that is a NO NO in my house, if I leave them with anyone else, than a designated sitter. I just had to accept the fact that if i am taking the favor from someone watching my kids, they will do what they can and what is easy for them. Now, I just get a educational and fun movie (my kids are not allowed to watch too much TV) on my own and order pizza myself, so I know that they are not watching just anything on TV and eating junk.

E.,

I understand your situation. My mother-in-law is only 3 hours away which is the closest we have ever been to her. She is very pushy and drives me insane sometimes. She was so insistent that my daughter have cereal at 2 months old, that she brought us the cereal and the spoon. Needless to say, I was upset and did not do it. I always defend with "the doctor says" - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I am sure that your mother-in-law, like mine, has the best of intentions. I think for me, I would just hold out some more. Always voice your opinion, but do not stop your son from hanging out with his grandma. As much as they make us mad, they obviously have made the best part of our lives right - our husbands. This is not to say that they are right, just that they love to mother!

Good luck and I am still going to use my "the doctor says" line!!

K.

E.,
I know exactly how you feel. My husband is from the westside of Jacksonville & I'm from Va Beach, VA. My husband is military & Mayport is his last duty before he retires. When I first got to Jacksonville she ALWAYS wanted to tell me how to raise my husbands kids (we have custody of his kids as well as mine)She kept telling me how she raised 4 kids & I only have 2 of my own & blab blab. My husband just sat there. I finaly got tired of her not listening to my instructions when the kids were at her house I went off on her because my husband was scared of his mother. Well of she really hates me now. I think if my husband got off his butt & defended us at first it wouldn't be so bad now. Your husband should really be the one to tell his mom to back off. GOOD LUCK!!!!!! A.

Lots of good responses so far! First, I would say to you to let all hope go that one day she will change or "get a clue" because, she will not. With that out of the way, here is my opinion. If there are things you absolutely don't want her to do, don't make them available. At the same time, lighten up of things that are not too important. If she is to continue to watch him, you will have to pick your battles. My best friend was going through this same thing. Her mother-in-law wouldn't listen to any instructions she gave. It came down to her having a serious conversation/fight with her that included her husband. Sorry, but he has to get involved. His mother saw that she was facing a united front and started to back off a little. My friend's husband would tell her firmly what was absolutely not to be done when she watched their daughter. At the same time, they also had to lighten up on some things, because you can't completely change someone. So, they figured that if they came home from their date at 11pm and their daughter was still up watching TV because "she just didn't want to go to bed", no big deal. It is ocasional and they would rather have the date nights then give up the free help. I speak from her perspective because my mother-in-law lives far away, so all I have to do is hang up the phone if she starts in.
Be united, that is the only way you can expect things to get better! Better, but she will never be exactly the way you want her to be, so loosen up a little too. There should be a balance for you to find. Good luck!!

Hi E.,

I can totally understand your position. I have also had same situations at times. First of all it is nice that your mother-in-law could take care of your son. One way to deal with such situations is that you act behind the screen. Pass the message through your husband. In that way she won't get offended. At times it can be hard to directly deal with in-laws. I believe she would consider if the message is from her son.

You could also remove the pacifier from your diaper bag. Well of course she always could buy one, just a no brainier.

Hope this helps.

A..

E., my mother in-law was the same way with disapline. She expected me to raise my children the same way he raised my husband. I wasn't raised the same way as my husband. I don't agree with the way he was dicaplined. There wasn't very much of it in his house and he was allowed to do pretty much anything he wanted to. No way would that have flew in my house. I told her they are my children and I am the one who needs to decide the best way for them to be raised. If I tell her they can't have certain things than she can't give them to my children, it upsets the way our house runs for days afterwards. It was hard for me to go to her and tell her these things,because I didn't want to put my husband it the middle or upset him by offending his mom. I am really glad I did talk to her though. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and I'm sure if you talk to him about what you are going to say to his mother, he will be right behind you and support you. My husband did and it made his mom realize that he had his own family and she neede to respact that. I hpe this helps. Good luck.

I know my mother isn't my mother-in-law but if you knew our relationship, she might as well be. With rude people you must be bold but polite. Just tell her that it hurts your feelings that she disobeys you or looks down on your methods. You would like her opinion but you would also like the opportunity to try things on your own and raise your child the way you see fit and you would very much appreciate her understanding and cooperation to make your relationship better as well as create a healthier environment for the children not to see you two upset at each other or being pulled in different directions. They tend to understand more when you involve the child and their need for a healthy loving physical as well as mental health. So the child doesn't get confused on different rules in different houses.

Hi E.,
I am a SAHM of 2 boys 3 and 9 months. I live 5 houses away from my Mother-in-Law. I have big issues with the pacifier and neither one of my kids never have or will use one. I didn't give her access to one. I never bought them, therefore if she felt that they needed it when babysitting she couldn't give it to them. If you don't want your son to have one, then leave them at home when she babysits. My advice would be that if there is something that you don't want your son to have don't giver her access to it. Cookies for example, I don't like my kids to have cookies all the time. So when My Mother-in-law comes to babysit which is probably once a week I don't buy them, she doesn't have them to give. She does put her 2 sense in sometimes, but you are right. You are the Mother and what you say goes. I have the type of relationship with my Mother-in-law to were I can tell her anything. Don't be afraid to let her know how you feel. You might be surprised. If you don't it will not get any better. If she is as stubborn as you say she will walk all over you if you let her. I hope this helps.

J.

Oh, this is a good one! Well, I have 6 year old twin boys. And you can only imagine the 2 cents I heard from everyone, but my response was always, "Have you raised twins?" If the answer wasnt yes, I disregarded pretty much everything. Even the Aunt that was like, "Well, I have raised 4 kids", yes you have with time to adjust and plan between them. I gathered my parenting skills from a few places, one was how I was raised and what I did not want to do to my kids, another was watching others mistakes, then theres new Technology and other ways to do things that have been pedatrician reccomended and then reading books. From the FIRST DAY my boys came home, they did not sleep in my bed, ever, and still don't. That is a place for me and my husband, not the kids, and boy did I hear all sorts of things about that. Im sorry, I just dont agree with kids in your room or bed, its the only room in the house they dont take over. That was my choice as a parent. I also have chosen to not give them red dyes, refined sugars, meaning teas, cokes, koolaid, etc. I chose this b/c there is scientific evidence that those things cause ADD/ADHD and there is no point in children having sugars/caffeine, they are naturally caffeinated. So you give them sugar and dope them with Ridalin, good job! Again, this is not 1965, I can choose to raise my children how I want. I did use pacies, but my reasoning was because my boys were 3 months early and it helped them learn the "suck,swallow,breathe" thing that most full term babies do. But I made sure that by 6 months, they were off them, that for them was technically 3 months, due to them being three months early. I also stayed home with mine, until they were 2. Very exausting, but I have never done the "babytalk", I have always found that speaking to them with expressions rather than a language they are never going to speak, helps with response from them. But, whether there is one, two or 9, there is always going to be someone, especially a family member, that is going to want to do as they please. My suggesstion is that you talk to her, not argue, there is no argument, your the mother. Let her know in the nicest way possible, because there is nothing in your wedding vows that says you cant be firm with your in-laws, that if she doesnt abide by the rules that you have set, that she will forfeit her time with him if she cant do as you ask. What will happen when hes 3 and you say no candy and she does it anyways? Its only going to get worse and you will only get madder as he gets older and more defiant towards you because of mixed messages. Its either the way you want it, or find a sitter. I myself, have found a sitter. And the kids can be with grandma, when I am there if she cant be respectful of what I ask. I say no red koolaid, she gives it to them, therefore not only is she going around me, which teaches even at a young age that they can go to someone else if you say no, she is blatently disrespecting me and my wishes, which means she has no respect for me. Pacifiers are bad, especially as he gets teeth, or them begin to break the gum line to come in, they will be bowed. Does she want that dental bill? Plain and simple, YOUR THE MOTHER. If she cant respect that, then I would find someone who will. Hope this helps!!

I have the same problem but I live in Destin and my in-laws live in Birmingham, AL. I had to cut off baby-sitting with them because she questions everything I say and do with my children. She doesn't say anything to her son, just to me. Until your mother-in-law respects your wishes, don't let her baby-sit. Explain to her why your doing this. Maybe one day she will see what she's doing is hurtful to you as a parent. Make sure she doesn't do this behind your back too.

Even though you dont want to put your husband in the middle, he should be. You should definitely deal with the issues from your family and he deal with the one from his. It is going to take your husband firmly telling his mom that you resoect her thoughts but this is your child and you have decided that it is best that he does not have a pacy. Have him tell her so she knows that it is both of you that want this not just the "daughter in law". Make sure he points out that this is what both of you think is best, not just that the daughter in law, so there is no resentment. You dont want her to think you sent him to do your dirty work. You want her to know that this is what both of you have decided.

And then if there was ever an issue with your mom, you would want to be the one to deal with it.You would not want to send hubby to address it.

Sometimes you have to be firm, still considerate, but firm. Most of the time there intentions are great, they just forget that there role is no longer mom, its grandma. Your husband should tell her, This is what "we" have decided and what "we" feel is best. We would appreciate it if you would respect that.
Maybe she needs to be reminded that you are the parents.

Hopes this helps. That is just my take on it. Good Luck

In my opinion; my husband and I would sit her down and have a talk. I would let him do the talking since I am sure she will be more receptive to him. Just before the meeting tell your husband EXACTLY what needs to be said. I would speak in a very calm and neutral voice so she does not feel she is being attatcked; express your concerns.

I know what you are going thru! I went through the same thing with my mother in law. I said "No more bottles" and when ever my daughter would stay over the night she would give her one. When I reinforced it again, NO BOTTLES EVER! She bought some and told me that she will only give it to her at her house. I stood my ground. I couldn't understand why she didn't get it. Finally, there were no more bottles. She pushed and I pushed back a little more. Finally I did have to say, she is my kid and you raised yours the way you deemed appropriate and now let me do the same. It worked!!

Good luck! Unfortunately you choose your husband and friends, but don't get the luxury to choose your family or in laws.

Dear E. D,
I also moved into my husband's hometown. My family of origin is 1200 miles away. Good thing we were not in the town with both. Smile! My husband is the youngest of four sons no sisters. We wanted to be there for their aging years and so our children could know grandparents and have a sense of heritage, roots. It was a God given Miracle that on a totally unrelated incident, I was telling my children they could not have or do something(while I was at their grandparents house). When the children went out to play, the grandparents asked me if they were restricted from giving or doing (certain things while I was away). I thought about it for half a minute. I remembered what a fine fellar I think my husband is and the 3 before him were already independent high achievers, well liked gentlemen, healthy families of their own and well respected businessmen. I said to my in-laws, let us agree, when you have the children you do what you think is best and I will not interfere. That way the children will not be confused when the rules at grandma's house are a little different. Somehow I was released from having to comment on her style of grandparenting. She has done a fantastic job of not interfering with my parenting. We have not mastered several other issues as well but we were blessed to not cross each other over upholding each other's parenting wishes. I just pray I do as fine a job as she. And I love seeing the little precious ways each has a piece of their grandparents that is so entirely unique from mine and my husband's. You sound like you are really on top of it. I think you are so considerate of your in-laws and your husband. If it should ever come to a decision between your choice and his mother's, your husband will step up and make the decision in your favor without you having to ask him to do it. God bless!

YOU HAVE TO STOP IT NOW!!! I have bit my tongue for the past 6 years with my in-laws and I tell it only get worse! You don't want to say anything so you hold it in and it festers, and continues to grow like a monster, you find yourself being a negative nasty person, and your whole life consist of them pushing you to see how far she can! With each try she will get more vindictive, and pushes more and more. Yeah it starts with a pacy, but gets worse!! My husbands mother would send our son to bed with chocolate milk in sippy cup at the age of 4. HE HAS NEVER BEEN ALLOWED A SIPPY CUP TO BED WITH WATER LET ALONE CHOC. MILK!! After 3 root canals at the age of 4, (let me name a couple) him telling me I was not allowed to cut his hair because grandma doesn't like the way I cut it, buying him a hamster after we have told him no for 3 years, taking him out of school early without my knowledge to take him to the park to play and feed the ducks, and ETC...I said that's enough! I love my husband with all my heart, and NEVER wanted him to pick between us or his parents, but if you don't put your foot down now, she will continue to push into your life. His mother even came over and painted our bathroom, while we were at work after I had just spent $150. on a bathroom set, I was ticked!!!! My husband and I almost got a divorce because of her! We have limited the time our son and my husband spends with them and I of course refuse to talk to them, and we have NEVER been happier!!
Be very cautious, and good luck, my prayers are with you!

I completely understand where your coming from. You sound like a very good Mom with healthy intentions for your baby. Boundaries are important and healthy and I believe that's what your trying to accomplish. But if your Mom-in-law is ever going to take you serious, your husband MUST stand WITH you. This will send a strong message that you are making decisions as your son's "parents" - not just you as the "daughter-in-law"' and these decisions need to be respected by everyone else. I'm sure you will face resistance at first and it WILL be uncomfortable --for both of you, but if you stand firm, all will reap the benefits....even your - Mom-in-law. Your baby will have healthy consistency in his life and your MIL will learn to slowly let go of her controlling issues.

By the way I'm a grandmom (45 yrs old) - and I totally respect what my daughter asks of me when it comes to my grandson. Not that I don't spoil him :), but I also respect what her decisions are and always try to see things from HER perspective.
Good luck sweetie.

OMG Please do NOT feel bad! my mother inlaw is the worst woman ever!!! Thursday I just had surgery (I had my gullbladder removed) and she told a friend of ours that my daughter is watched by to many ppl! If I could pick her up and take car of her myself dont you think I would!!! She calls me a bad mother and bad mouths me to everyone behind my back! And whats worse is my husband scared of his mom and wont stand up to her or any of his family for me!!