I've been married for a little over one year. I have 2 children and so does my husband. My mother in law is not very involved in our lives but is very involved with my husband's ex wife. She has residential custody and my mother in law lives 13 hours away. Because of this, my mother in law flies my husband's ex and the kids out to see her, go on vacations and when my mother in law comes in town, she spends the majority of time with my husband's ex. She comes in town when the mother has the kids purposely and avoids us. We went over a year without speaking to her at all. This Thanksgiving, we went and stayed with her in an attempt to build a better relationship. It went well and she said she was coming the week before Christmas to see us. Well, about a week before she was coming, she let us know she would be with my husband's ex and her family the majority of the time she was in town. This upsets my husband because the divorce was bad and his ex told many lies to his family and ruined the relationship betwee he and his family. Also, her family talks horribly about us in front of the kids. He feels that his mom should cut some ties wtih her family (she's never met my family since she wouldn't come to our wedding) and build a relationship with us. I will admit, my husband has been angry about the fact his mother tells his ex everything they talk about and has been rude in the past. He wants to know he can trust his mom and hates she would rather be around his ex. I think the reason is that my husband adopted his oldest child and his mom is scared that if the ex gets mad, she'll tell the boy and he might be mad at his dad. IF that were to happen, she might lose out on seeing her grandson. Also, since the kids are only with us 33% of the time, it's easier to deal with their mom. Plus, if she offers to fly us like she does the ex, it involves me and my two kids. In fact, my husband's sis got married in another state and I was told we couldn't bring my kids, so we didn't go.
I know this is long, but is it appropriate for his mom to be so involved with his ex? What is proper "guidelines" for an ex mother in law?
I can totally see her being very involved with the kids because no matter what happened between the parents those are her grandkids.
Maybe you can talk to the ex and see if you can work out a grandma sharing schedule....but first and foremost I'd suggest you all see a family therapist to work this through.
Good luck
Hi A.,
I'm so sorry to hear about this stress in your family. It sounds all too familiar; except that the "unfriendly" family members are on my side of the family.
You can do nothing that will change your mother in law. I wish you could and believe me, I've tried!
The best thing you can do is just work on your relationship with your husband. Really nurture it, build it, spend time together.
When you hear of obnoxious things your mother in law has done, don't let it be a wedge between you and your husband (because it sure can be!)
I have spent so many years trying to get my family members to be nice to my husband but the bottom line is, rude people will be rude. I love them all but what is truly important is that I work to have the best marriage and family (with our children) that I can have.
If your husband is willing to go to counseling with you, it might help put some perspective on the whole unnecessary situation and help him deal with the rejection from his mom that he is obviously feeling.
God Bless,
A.
I'm not sure what the "proper" relationship is, but my mother stayed friends with my father's mother when my parents divorced - they were friends during the marriage so why would they stop being friends? Plus we kids were involved. My sister has a daughter from a previous relationship and she and her ex are very involved in each others lives, infact, her new husband and the ex coach the daughters' basketball team. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is the kids are what is important here, so perhaps you can somehow embrace her relationship with your step-kids mother? Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I always encourage any divorcing couple with children to be friendly with one another for the kids sake.
Well, the ex was part of the family at one time, the twisting of what is said is the main problem in my thinking. I had this situation with ex in laws and I too wanted to keep in touch to see our grandson. It's very hard not to try to do this if you know you can't see the child otherwise. Now we don't see or hear from him but I do think in time he will see us and if not I can't change that. Very painful but life I guess, when parents divorce. I had to not communicate with the ex wife as it just became not good with things being twisted, just not worth it to the rest of the family. I think that may have to be done in your case but you can't make your mother in law do that. She has to decide. It's all such a sad situation for all involved and nobody really wins, especially not the grandchildren.
Wow I'm not sure what I would do, but I know for sure that I wouldn't want to make a big deal about it to the kids. They pick up on all kinds of stuff. Hang in there!
The "proper guidelines" would be to have your husband address the issue. If he is unwilling or uncomfortable you will have to let it be, or help him grow a back bone. It is not your place to say anything to his mom or his ex about their relationship. You need to make him understand how you feel about it, then let him do the dirty work. Otherwise, you will look like the controling b**** that the ex is telling the MIL you are (and I know you aren't because you are asking advise on how to best handle this). I know it must be painful, and that is an awful situation to be in - especially on holidays. Maybe she thinks she can't see then at your house. Let her know that she can see the grandchildren when they are with you as well. Pray. A lot. Pray for her, for your relationship to heal - or blossom, pray for the children, pray for guidance, for hearts to soften, for the situation to improve. Many blessings wished for you this Christmas.....and beyond.
In today's world of splintered families, we often don't have the freedom to pick & choose how each family member spends their time. Many family events & holiday schedules are dictated by our not-always-impartial & seriously- overworked judicial system.
Fairness for each individual is not always available, & more importantly....each of us has their own sense of fairness. While it does seem as if your situation is skewed toward the ex, you do need to remember that these people are adults & they have the right to choose. It's up to you to make your time together ...the best it can be... regardless of how limited it may seem.
Other thoughts should also be factored in: how long was the marriage? How long were the MIL & the ex a "family"? & for strange relationships, my own mother functions within my dad's family more than he does. They were married 23+ years before the divorce, & that was 24 years ago! My mom is still invited to family events & sees some of dad's cousins more than he does! It's a BLAST to see my mom & stepmom sitting at a table...it truly freaks everybody....especially when they start telling stories on my dad!
Life can be strange & it's up to us to see the "happy" in our little worlds. We can either choose to embrace what we get or we can choose to be dealt a sucky hand in life's game of chance. I wish you Peace!
You have no control over this. Your mother in law does not like you or your children, and you cannot change that. This is one of the problems that can arise when families separate, and it's one of the reasons I do not believe parents with minor children should remarry. Now that you are in this mess, your best bet is to ignore this behavior from your mother in law, and go on about your business. Constantly being angry or upset about it is only hurting your children and your husband's children.
Ok, I sort of understand this from both sides, a little. My mother in law is my best friend, so if, God forbid anything happened with my husband and I, I know I would still be very close with her. But I would never expect her to put me before her son. With the ex having the kids all the time this is also a big factor. You didnt elelaborate on the situation of the divorce. If he left his wife and kids for you, then you could see why a mother would be upset about the family being broken by a situation. But if its not, I think mother needs to open up a little. Just remember, your husbands ex IS the mother of her grandchildren and if they were close before then you cannot expect her to break all ties, but your right, it does sounds extreme. I think you need to do a lot of soul searching and pray about this and hopefully things will get better. But like I said before, and Im not saying this is what happened, but if you and your husband were responsible for breaking this family up, then you can count on the consequences of it.
So sorry you're going through that!
If "proper guidelines" existed, they still probably wouldn't help, since I doubt his mom would follow them in any case. Telling her it's not appropriate to be so involved with his ex is not likely to make any difference.
Unfortunately, you cannot make someone else change--they have to want to do it themselves. Your husband cannot force his mother to cut ties with the ex's family nor force her to build a relationship with you, no matter how hurtful it all is to him. Really, all you and your husband can do at this point is decide how YOU will behave and respond.
If he cannot trust his mother not to tell the ex what he says, then he should not talk to her about his ex-wife or anything else he doesn't want her to hear. Put his mom on a "need-to-know" basis; tell her ONLY what she needs to know, and nothing more. Anything negative he says to his mom about the ex is only going to make HIM look bad.
If his family asks (he shouldn't volunteer), then he should tell them the truth about the ex and the divorce, but he should stick to facts, not feelings, and definitely avoid calling her a "liar," etc.
As difficult as it is, it might be better to simply be polite, keep in touch, but also keep your distance for now--time will eventually show them the truth, and maybe then your husband can work on a better relationship with his mom and the rest of the family. Definitely avoid saying negative things in front of the kids about any of it, of course; they, too, will eventually figure it out on their own.
For now, I'd just focus instead on building a relationship with the children--his and yours.
HTH!
--A.
Boy, you have a pickle of a problem and I really feel for you. I wish I had an answer. But one idea is that your hubby should sit down with his mom and explain to her why this hurts him that she does not come to visit him and his family and for them to try and work something out for her to get to know you and your kids. But as hard as it will be, try to keep in mind that she has to learn to like and then love your childern, they are not her grandchildren and sometimes people have trouble over looking that there is no blood there. And you may also have to accept that she is not going to have anything to do with you or your children and it will hurt your hubby. My mother-in-law and I do not get along and she has a favorite grandchild. This has caused a lot of tension with me and her. We no longer see her (her choice) since me and my husband would not accept that she played favorites and insisted that she not do it and he also told her she had to respect me and my house rules (she liked to come in and take over and that ment my kitchen and my kids - I was to say nothing and if I did I as being dis-respectful to her). She wants things on her terms and we are not willing to give in and she no longers wants to see us or our kids. When she whines to my hubby (he still calls her and we send pictures, cards, gifts and so on) - but when she whines he gently reminds her that it's her choice. So you may be in the same boat. Let her make the choice but you guys keep what contact you can. Good luck and God Bless.
PS for a good chuckly about mother-in-laws check out a web site called motherinlawstories.com.
