Mother in Law Has Favorites

Doesn't seem like it is the grandmother's problem. It sounds like it is an age difference thing with the boys. You might want to step back and look at this objectively. I know the 5 year old is your baby and maybe you are treating him as such. Sure the older boys may pick on him; but he has to learn also to be a part of the family. Sounds to me like the grandmother is doing you a favor by taking the two older ones so you won't have to talke all of them to work. She sounds like she is good to the boys by helping them with the internet and taking them places. Maybe she just can't handle all three of them at once. I think she loves the little one but has realized that when he is there the older boys are unhappy. You should count your blessings to have her offer to help. Your life would be so much more hectic if you had to listen to all the boys complaining while you are trying to work.

me being a person who tells what i feel i would say you either take all 3 or dont take any of them. tell the kids gma cant come get you all the time b/c you all cant get along with out me there. its not fair to the little guy to be left out!

Hi A., Sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble with the in laws. I am very lucky and don't have in-laws, my husband was adopted and his parents have passed. I'm not happy that they have passed but I am glad that I dont have these problems. I think that your gut and your heart will tell you what is right and if your mother in law can't see or understand how much she is hurting your youngest son's feelings then she's being VERY selfish. I wish you the best. I also know about the husband not being much help, mine is disabled and on meds that prevent alot of help. Gog bless!

I'm most sorry for you that your husband isn't on the same page with you. It sounds as if he needs a strong but gentle touch from the Lord. Just a thought from what little info you were able to provide, but: might some of his problems stem from his mother's attitude?

I think you need to STOP the business of the older ones not making good on their promises to the little one! Take away their video games IMMEDIATELY if they use them to tantalize and torture him (and then go on to use it to satiate their OWN selfish 'lust' for entertainment)! YOU need to 'make the calls' on that one.

I'd also caution you that if you spend much energy trying to get the older ones to 'like' the younger one, it'll probably backfire and they will accuse YOU of 'playing favorites'. It's hard to love our kids all equally (and virtually impossible to 'like' them equally! There are simply some who are more 'compatible' with our own personalities than others! We have 4--all VERY different, so I know.) Each kid requires totally different KINDS/TYPES of parenting, and that's why it takes TWO involved parents to make a family work properly.

Grandparents can be the most wonderful thing in the world, but unforunately, the experience is only as good as the person. When I was born, I only had one grandfather living, and he was EIGHTY! He died when I was 6, so I was really thankful that our kids had all their grandparents for at least a few years. Now WE are grandparents! LOVE IT! But what a responsibility . . .

Another thought: Maybe 'Grandma' simply gets along better with teenagers than with little kids. That's a real possibility, so if that's the case, when the younger one gets older he can look forward to having the same kind of relationship with her.

I'm proud that you're at least doing something to 'equalize' and alleviate the situation by going along when the older boys go. I'm afraid I haven't been much help, but my thoughts and prayers are with/for you!

I too agree with rotating time with grandma, one time older boys another your 5 year old. Gosh, he is not 1 years old..........usually 5 year old are not hard to handle and you can reason with them as well. Even though there is age difference, older boys need to be tought that no matter how much he aggrivates them, they are male role models for him, since you said your husband is not much help.

why not have your mother in law take just the 5 year old sometimes? This would give him some one on one attention and perhaps work on his feeling left out. I agree you should go together at times, but he is feeling left out and wants to feel special as well.
I also agree with the comments on knowing what is going on with the computer usage.
i don't think this is your mother in laws fault - sometimes people are just trying to take the easy way and having the two older ones is easy for her.

Hey A.,
There is a 14 year age difference between me and my older brother, so I can relate to an extent. Your younger son just probably just wants their attention, whether good or bad. I would explain to the other two that he looks up to them and loves them so much that it really hurts his feelings when they don't include him. I would suggest that you guys find at least one night a week to do family activities together- game night or something like that.
Also, is there a reason why the 15 year old can't stay home alone sometimes? 15 years old is plenty old enough assume some responsibility. Then, let the younger two go with granny for some alone time together. Also, find times when the 15 year old can have some alone time with your youngest. I would say split up the 12 and 15 year old occassionally so they can learn to deal with the younger brother and build an individual relationship with him.
Good luck!

With such an age difference between the 2 oldest and the baby, of course there's going to be problems. I totally get your point about limiting the 2 older ones "escape" to gran's. I agree with it. However they should be allowed some time away from the younger one too. It's also not fair to the 5 yr old to never get time with Gran himself. If one day the older two go with her leaving behind the younger, the next time she comes to "rescue" them, I send her away with just the 5 yr old. That way the boys still get time away from each other. The younger one then has his own special time with gran to develop his own relationship with her and he will feel special instead of left out. Just taking the 5 yr old is not as much as taking all three and one 5 yr old can be perfectly manageable, especially if he's usually well behaved without his brothers around to get him worked up. Just because she have to pay attention to him and not let him park in front of the computer or tv like she probably does the older ones, doesn't mean he shouldn't get as much time with her as they do. By spending time alone with him she'll come to see to that there is more than just the older boys side of the story and that he's a good boy too and not bad, particularly away from his brothers.

Hi A., I can relate. I have a mom that plays favorites. It is heartbreaking to watch, because you love all your kids the same and can't stand to see one left out, especially by a family member that is supposed (presumably) to love them equally as well. If you've had the talk with her and it didn't seem to resonate, I think your idea of 'all or nothing' is a good one. That way you're not contributing to singling the little guy out of the group (in spite of what others will support). I would also encourage alone time for the 5 year old with his grandmother. She will bond more if he is there by himself. And one 5 y.o. is as easy to run errands with than the other two, or will be soon if not now. He will feel 'special' since his brothers are not able to go, and they are old enough to talk to and understand. The sibling rivalry sounds normal and in my opinion there's only so much of that you can control at such young ages, but you can control how they treat him, despite their feelings of annoyance, etc. Good luck, I know it breaks your heart to see him left out by your MIL.

I would probably just say "Nobody goes to Grandma's house unless the 5 year old goes too. It's not fair, and you two older ones aren't special. If you want to go to Grandma's, you have to take your brother." Period. The End.

Whatever you do, I hope it works!!

xo,

AJ

I would tell my mother in law, look.. I have three boys not two. They all have feelings and they are all brothers. So, if you can't treat them equally, you won't treat them period. At first I could maybe see her not taking the least one, but now he is able to do on his own and it sounds like, she just doesn't like him. So, she is now trying to get the other two boys to turn against him also. So, in my book, that "WOULD NOT HAPPEN"! Just stop Granny altogether from seeing any of the boys, take the to the library or where ever until , she sees that you mean business. That's not fair to the little one and he already knows she doesn't like him. But don't let any of them mistreat him, he has feelings to!

I would talk to your husband and let him talk to his own mother regarding leaving the 5 yr old out. Tell her that it is hurting his feelings and at this age, his feelings should not be hurt, he does not understand. Then I would talk to my oldest two and tell them that they will no longer treat their brother badly and if they do, they will not play the games, they will not go to grandma's, they will not go to sleep overs, etc. Tell them that you do not expect a lot of them, you do not make them play with him most of the time, etc I would tell them that their younger brother will be coming along with them to grandma's and that you expect them to help watch him and not make him cry. If they do make him cry, they will not go next time. As for the internet, they have internet at the library for the children to use. Or, you can get dial up for $10/month. You can tell the boys that you will take the internet money out of one of their extra curricular activities if they do not cooperate. Lastly, I would tell your mother in law the next time that she invites the two older ones that you have some errands you would like to run and that you will be there to pick up all three of them at a particular time. You can be honest with her, or you can tell your husband to tell her.

My mother in law does the same thing w/ our daughter. She only likes boys for some reason so she always wants our son and not our daughter. My husband finally told her that she has to take both of them or neither b/c it is not fair and our daughter is old enough now to know better. It has worked and she will learn to like having our daughter! :o)

W.

HI, I have 2 boys 12,9 and a 3 year old girl. I had the same thing happen this summer,I also clean houses, I understand it is harder to keep up with a younger one and also my boy's wanted time away from my youngest always begging to play. I talked to my mother-in-law and nicely told her how my youngest felt, and told her if she couldn't set aside at least a few hours each week for alone time with her, the boys would have to stop commimg. It worked out great! the boys got a break from the baby,and she got alone time with grandma.
Good luck!

Hi A.,
I just wanted to give you a little word of encouragement and say that I think you really seem to have a good grip on the situation here! I like your idea of you all going to grandma's together. That way, if your youngest starts crying, you can be there to diagnose and solve the actual problem instead of having it just be blamed on "oh, he cries all the time"! I do find it surprising that his grandma wouldn't stick up for him a little more, but I guess it is what it is. I also like the other moms' suggestions of asking Grandma to take the little one on his own sometimes so the two of them can have some quality time together. Good luck to you!

Sounds to me that the 5yr old is jealous..of course..and when he gets to go to grannys he doesnt know how to act.So he acts out.Granny needs to spends some one on one time with him.He needs to see what is going on at grannys house.Nothing really other then the olders ones are visiting.Once he realises this is will stop acting out..good luck
S. B

A., it looks like you have a pretty good handle on this. I would ask grandma if she can take the 5 year old (without older brothers) and see if his behavior improves with her. Right now she is only seeing one part of your son,and giving her an opportunity to get to know him without his brothers may bring them closer together. To keep the relationship with your mom strong I would ask for for her input about that time and not dismiss what she is also seeing from per point of view. With the two of you working together I'm sure that all 3 boys can have a great relationship with grandma and each other.

when they can get along with the 5 year old they can go to grand ma s or she need to the all 3 or not at all

I agree with the people who said you should encourage grandma to take your youngest at times on his own. In addition to that, I want to say that it is only natural for the youngest to aggravate the older boys (I am the baby of my family and I did it to my older brothers). And it is natural for the two older ones to want to get away from him. The biggest thing is, they DO need to all get along and not be mean to each other, but face it, in a few years the two older ones will be gone and the youngest will be on his own anyway. The real issue is their attitudes towards each other, not how much time they spend together. I agree that you should insist on kindness on the part of the older kids, but if they can be nice to their younger brother then I think they should be allowed to continue their time at grandma's. As long as the youngest gets time there too. Good luck!

First it's time to put your foot down about 'grnny just takig 2'. You have 3 children, if she doesn't want to take all 3 or the little one by himself for a bit then she gets none. It sounds harsh but that's reality. As for the older 2 doing the stirring, it sounds like they're hearing the negative stuff from somewhere and you need to nip that in the butt. don't let them do that. Tell them there's no oops I'm sorry I'm going to play this now. Make them reset up the game and let the 5 year old play. You can't make them get along all the time and there is a major age difference. But they do need to learn to share with him and to have patience.

So sorry to hear this is going on, how sad for all the children involved and for you. Sounds like you really need an objectionable person to talk, I guess that is why you reached to Mamasource! Are there other children in the family (cousins) that are the age of your younger son? If so maybe keep them involved with each other so that the little one has "someone", too. You 12 & 15 year olds may be a little jealous and therefore are sticking together however, at ages 12 & 15 they should be ashamed of themselves for treating their little brother the way they do. Yes, little brothers/sisters can be a "pain" but for them to constantly pick at him or tease him is making him feel alienated and very hurt - remember at 5 he cannot tell you what he is feeling and the only way he has to demonstrate his frustations, hurt and feelings of being outcast is to yell, scream and cry. Your mom-in-law shoud be doubly ashamed. Does she have no understanding of what she is doing to this family or maybe she doesn't care. Does she have problems (mental, personality) and is that what is going on with your husband? If so this needs and should be addressed - therapy, medication, etc. I am so sorry you are having to be the mature, centered and defining one in the family it has to be very stressful. One against 4 is not a fair game to play. Keep in touch and reach out for professional help if not for yourself for your 3 boys for they all will benefit. Hey, go on line and look up "The Nanny", the one that is on TV, give her your problem and see what she advises (I bet one thing would be get out of your m-i-l's back pocket and give your old man the altimatium.

M.

It's good that you're setting boundaries with her. It sounds like she may have personality problems. If your husband didn't turn out well-adjusted then maybe she's pulling the bad parenting tricks on your own sons. If she's treating the youngest boy poorly and egging on the older two boys then avoid her all together. It will affect the boys long term relationships and self-worth. Don't under estimate how serious this could be. You have other options for childcare. So what if she gets mad. It's your family you've got to protect.