Mother in Law Is Demanding House Keys?

Your husband said no to the keys, and you have to as well. Maybe she thinks she can influence you or manipulate you more. I agree to put this back on your husband, but not in a way that makes you look weak or likely to waver if she keeps the pressure up. Tell her you and your husband are a team, and that MIL is not going to get anywhere trying to go around your husband to work you over.

Your FIL gave your money to help with the house – and that means she did too. If you have not expressed your gratitude to them sufficiently, do so. But that doesn’t give either of them a right to the keys.

Your MIL is verbally and emotionally abusive. She trashes your parents to you, insults their appearance, and lets you know that she’s watching your weight? I’d walk out and tell her, “I will not stand by while you criticize the people who raised me. They deserve your respect, not your ridicule.”

She’s also physically abusive, hitting your toddler across the mouth for doing what toddlers do. I commend you for grabbing her arm, and I hope you were stronger in your reply than just “asking her not to do it anymore.” But something else troubles me. You say, “Last time when she did this…” – do you mean she has done it more than once? If so, I would absolutely tell her she is not allowed near either child without you or your husband right there, and not within 5 feet under any circumstances, and I would tell her why: “I am going to keep my child safe from someone who hits babies.” If you have a plan for her to watch your older child when you have the baby, you probably can’t say this, I realize. But if she’s done it more than once, I assume you will have your parents or some friends take care of your son. Do have at least 2 people lined up to handle this.

You’re right: if you give her a key, she will let herself in at any time, uninvited or not. And she may even let herself in when you are not there. She’s in your business too much now, so I wouldn’t give her any more opportunities.

If you really think you can give her chores to do (as someone suggested below) without her thinking she’s more entitled than she already does, go ahead. But I think that’s a slippery slope. I think she’s all into control and not into helping you at all. I wouldn’t invite her in any old time she shows up, and I wouldn’t answer the door if it’s not convenient. If she’s in and overstaying her welcome, it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, you have to go now. I am putting Billy down for a nap and going to bed myself. We have a schedule to stick to. Bye bye.”

And if she’s talking trash in front of your child, you have to put a stop to that too. Get up and take the child to another room, or put her in the stroller, or (if at MIL’s house), get up and leave. Tell MIL you aren’t exposing Billy to talk like that, teaching her language like that, letting her think it’s okay to treat others like that, or letting her take in criticism of her other grandparents, or whatever it is. Sounds like your husband will back you up on this.

I wouldn’t worry so much about your FIL. I think he probably knows what she’s like. And you and your husband can certainly present a united front and agree that you will not allow your children or each other to be spoken to in an insulting or abusive way. One reason she’s like this is that everyone is allowing it. So figure out what she values – holidays, birthdays, getting to do things with the grandchildren…. – and have your husband let her know that it’s not happening if she keeps this up.

This is your house. She’s not going to be there more than you would like, unless your husband won’t back you up and straighten her out.

It's time for your husband to be a man and stand up to his parents.
By that I mean set limits with them.

When she asked you for a key or anything else, you direct her right back to your husband. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page so he knows how to answer her.

Let your husband deal with his parents, you don't need to do anything.

With second baby coming..make a list of jobs for MILthat you feel comfortable giving her. She is going to be involved regardless ( and you may want her help) so take control now by setting up tasks she can help you with that won't cause any conflict.

Congrats on the new baby coming.

Your husband should be manning up and dealing with her. You should not be involved. Hopefully your nice FIL will have a few words with her as well.

The fact that money is involved from FIL (her $ too) she must feel an "ownership" to your home. I agree that she does not need a key and if she had one, that invites more conflict.

If I were you, I'd find a way to pay FIL back asap so you maintain 100% ownership of the home. Money and relatives don't mix well.

Ditto Elayne.

ETA: I have a very overbearing demanding MIL. She felt she had say in our marriage because she was my husband's mother - and that, in her mind, takes precedence over our decisions as a couple.

You need to nip this in the bud now. Your husband should be the one to deal with her. The two of you need to set boundaries together as a couple - he enforces them, you redirect (refer) her to him when she comes to you - and you stay out of it.

My husband and I went to marriage counselling for this early on in our marriage because my MIL was the same as yours. She was coming over whenever she wanted and acting as if I was rude if I had something on the go already. She turned it into me being rude - when in effect, she was out of line.

My personal suggestion would be to consider moving further away down the road. We moved out of the city and away from my husband's mother because she just had a real problem respecting boundaries. Physical space helps.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE HER A KEY!!!! (Yes, I'm writing this very loudly!)

Head this off at the pass. Go talk to your FIL. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Tell him that your feelings for him are so positive and that you appreciate that he has been kind to you. But tell him that you just cannot give your MIL a key because she is not like him, she doesn't like you and she will just let herself into the house. Tell him that you are not asking him to take sides between you two, but you just want him to know that you will not be giving her a key. Tell him you love him, and end the conversation with a hug. Don't even give him time to talk about it. Just say this with love in your heart. And make sure your husband knows that you will be doing this.

If your husband loves you, he will absolutely stand by you in this. And if your MIL comes over continuously banging on the door, don't open it every time. If you do, she will be even more aggressive about it.

You can't do anything about her dislike for you. But you don't have to have her over all the time. Meanwhile, show your husband that you are a good steward of the household finances. She has called you a gold digger. Make sure you don't look like one. Don't make purchases that you don't need to be making. Show him that you are saving money and not running up credit card bills. Show devotion to your family and and to him, and let HIM manage his mother (no spare key to her) and that you two come to an agreement about how much time the family spends with her.

Ignore the weight comments. And if she DARES say anything to your child about weight, tell your husband to tell her that she cannot talk like that to your child. DON'T let that happen...

Honestly, if you cannot do this, and if you and your husband give in to her demands, your lives are going to be a mess. If your FIL were to die, she would demand to move in with you and she will think that she can because you will have done everything that she wanted up until that point. Establish boundaries NOW.

Support your husband's wise decision and say no, over and over if necessary. Don't waffle about don't say you'll think about just say the word straight out - no.

Just tell her, her son already said "no"

I must say though, that unless your mil and fil have separate finances, and although your FIL may have written the check, the money for your house came from both of them. Some day when my girls are married that would annoy me to no end if my son in law only thanked my husband for money given to them by us.

You stay out of it and let your husband set very clear boundaries about when she is allowed to come over, that she has to call first, and that she will not always get a yes, and no, she does not need a key. But be carful, if you ever ask her to house sit chances are she will make herself a set anyways.

It looks like your FIL needed a distraction for his wife and helped you buying a home in their neighbourhood.

You got a lot more to deal with in the long run with your MIL. Even if you set boundaries. She is excited to have grandchildren close by and now she feels entitled to see them growing up. She has nothing else to do obviously.

Having a key or no key to your house is here really not the big issue. You may want to consider moving eventually.

I agree with everyone else. Let you husband deal with her. Man, she's a handful isn't she? Do NOT let her have a key. If you husband can't seem to get the point across to her, I'd make sure she knew the rules. There is no way I would tolerate that.

Do your parents have keys to your home? If they do, then yes his should too. Otherwise, no.

I think it's great to have someone with keys to your home-- neighbor, co-worker, extra set at work..... For emergency or lock outs.

My X mother-in-law was very obtrusive like yours. Once I was lying in the middle of the living room floor with few clothes on because I had just mowed (in Texas in the summer so it was ridiculously hot) and my XMIL came through the front door. Didn't knock, nothing. I was flabbergasted. In my family we didn't enter each other's bedrooms without first knocking and then waiting on permission to enter. She was overbearing and made lots of horrible comments to me on a regular basis. I stayed in that marriage thinking I could fix it for 9 years. It was 8 years too long. My X though would never stand up to her for any reason.

Do NOT give her a key. EVER. Let your husband handle the interactions. If she asks again, state that you know your husband already told her no and you will honor his decision. If anyone ever hit my child in the face, they would not get a second opportunity. In my younger years, they would've picked themselves up off the floor.

If your husband "creates a conflict" with his mother because he is protecting his family (you and the kids) so be it. That is not your issue. Be proud of him and tell him how much you appreciate his priorities are right.

I am glad your father in law is so precious to you. Please keep telling him how much he means to you. Poor man who lives with her, I can't imagine.

This is one of those questions that make me chuckle and say "Nope." before I even click on it.

I'm picking up from your writing style that this may be cultural for you. This is not going to work out for you, because your MIL is an abuser and you are just starting to find your own spine.

Your idea of "being respectful" is actually showing your weakness and a lack of boundaries. She is due the same general courtesy you would give a stranger, but she does not get a special pass just by virtue of being your husband's mother. Respect has to be earned. Your MIL is an abuser and needs to be kept out of your daily life.

You must not spend time with your MIL unless your husband is present. Do not allow her in your home without an invitation. If she shows up without one, don't even answer the door. If you're used to seeing the in-laws quite often, stop doing that. I suggest you restrict most visits to a public place.

Your FIL will have to deal with his wife like the adult that he is. This is not your problem.

If you have not finalized the house papers, take the penalty and walk away from that house. If the house is in your FIL's name and not yours/your husband's, walk away from it. Live somewhere else, preferably a couple hundred miles from your MIL.

If the papers are already signed and the home is in your name, then I strongly suggest that you and your husband do whatever you must to earn more money and pay your in-laws back as quickly as possible. Do not take financial help from them in the future. No matter how nice your FIL is, that help comes with strings and problems. You must only do/have what you and your husband can afford to accomplish by yourself.

(Also know that in the US marital finances are often considered joint legal assets. This means it doesn't matter who earned the money. When you borrow from FIL, you are also borrowing from MIL.)

If you and your husband continue to say "No" when she asks for a key, then she will have no choice but to take "No" for an answer, since "No" would be the only answer offered.
You are under ZERO obligation to provide a key to anyone you don't want to have a key.

Direct her to your husband. Period.

As for whether or not your FIL gets dragged into it, well, unless his name is on the mortgage, what's he go to do with it? If he loaned (or gifted) his son with cash to buy the house, that's between them. But it still doesn't give him any right to the home, unless he holds a lien on the house, or is listed on the mortgage. And even then, there are legal rules governing what kind of access he can sue to obtain. Emotionally, it might be a different story, but legally? No. And again, should FIL be brought into it, your husband needs to address that/him. Not you.
Time for husband to "man up" as they say and let them know that it is HIS house (yours together) and not theirs. He may owe them repayment on a loan, but that doesn't entitle them to whatever he bought with the money. He may owe them money, but not a key. If he defaults on a loan to them, then they have legal rights they can pursue. But I'd be surprised if things went that far. Unless FIL is co-owner on the DEED, then he has no right to your home.

"No" is a complete sentence.
If she won't take a simple "No", then upgrade it to "Hell No".
If she shows up un invited - don't answer the door and I'd have to think about having the police escort her off my property.
I have a feeling your FIL knows what his wife is like.
Have a chat with him, make friends with him, and tell him he is always welcome, but as much as you love him and his wife you find her to be a little over bearing and you'd appreciate some space as you develop your mothering style with 2 small kids in the house.
Suggest he take her on a second honeymoon - heck, hope he takes her to Paris, France.
No one plays boss in your house without your permission.
Don't give her permission.
If anyone slaps my kid - their visiting privileges are cut short and they are told in no uncertain terms if they EVER lay a hand on my kid again, it'll be a long time before they see my kid again - at least he'll be old enough to hit her back if she tries it again.
If she acts any better in public, then only meet with her in public places and never invite her to your home.
It is not your responsibility to entertain her - she needs to find some friends and amuse herself.

Tell your hubby that you appreciate him standing by you. But if it ever gets to the point where it looks like he's about to cave you need to let him know you are moving out, that you won't live in a house if she, or the FIL, have a key to the door. Draw a line and let your hubby know how you feel. It's hard to do this in a supportive way and a thankful way since he's not letting her have them now.

But you have to realize that she does this for a reason. She has learned, much like our kids do, where our final straw is. Then she continues to push and they give in JUST TO HER HER TO STOP GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.

They give in to shut her up. He's done this his whole life.

You have to support him but also be firm in your stance.

Tell your mother in law, the next time that she asks, that if you find out anyone else has a key to your house that you and he will be putting up a for sale sign and moving across the country to start a new life. That you won't come back. That if she doesn't stop now and drop it entirely you are going to start the process of helping hubby find work/you find work where that move will be started.

Shut her up with your own threats.

no no and no
i would only give someone a key to my house to care for my animals when i am out of town. and i would expect that person to keep it safe and return it to me when i came home (and i would also trust them not to duplicate it) so no way would i give a demanding mother in law a key to my house.
(you could give her a fake one that does not work at your house and call cops when shes out there trying to use it.. she may get the hint that shes not welcome to enter your house without an invitation. )