Mother's Refusal to Follow Parenting Aggreement as Set by the Courts

Most school districts have websites these days, and most of those websites list email addresses for the teachers at the schools in the district. I spent a few years in a similar situation as the parent with non-residential custody in a joint custody decision. I found that emailing my sons' teachers got the results I was looking for. They did a great job of letting me know when school events were, and setting up separate parent-teacher conferences as well. The first year I spent being frustrated because letting the people in the school office know that I wanted to be kept in touch was not effective. Once I got in touch with the individual teachers the situation improved almost immediately.

As far as the school stuff goes, I know our school district puts out a district calendar that lists most events, as well as our website, and the teachers all have emails too. We are a fairly small school. Also if you talked to the teacher directly, or a room parent in that room, then maybe they could work something out. Otherwise, I'd say stop by the school office once every week or so, and ask about any upcoming things for that specific class/grade. I'd def try to have a sit down with the principal and explain the situation and how it's not working out, and you're still missing out. That's def not fair to you all, or the kids! Or try talkig to the school counsler as well. It helps to establish a good relationship with the school facualty and they will be more willing to work with you. I hope it all works out!!

I have the same comment...talk to the school. You could even offer to leave self-addressed, stamped envelopes to have copies of everything mailed to you once a week. It sounds like it is the other events that she is not letting you know about. If your children are in other extra curricular events, contact those places too - that way you can keep in touch with what the kids are doing, while you are working on the issues with her.

I would also definitely get a different attorney - the attorney you have talked to is not giving the best advice - parents take all sorts of issues before the judge. Most likely the judge would order you to mediation and anything that the mediator works out with you and the other parent can be put into your custody/visitation agreement.

If you deceide to talk to someone else, I know of a great attorney in Liberty - if you are in the Kansas City area - she is wonderful! She will talk with you on the phone before "taking your case". She is in a small practice - Bolstad & Ruark - her name is Kelly Ruark...family law is all she does.

Good luck!

E., I totally empathize with you and your husband. It is sad for the children when one parent stands in the way of a full relationship with the other parent. Studies suggest that kids of divorce do best when they have consistent contact.

I'm currently in a similar situation. I think your husband will be more successful if you stop having expectations of other people, and rely upon yourselves as much as possible. Here are some things you can do that have worked for us:

1) Volunteer occasionally in the classroom and get to know the teachers. When the teacher knows you as individuals, she will be more likely to keep you in the loop.

2) Talk to the school principal about your problem and enlist his/her help. Often, taking the problem to the next level makes everyone more aware of it, and more conscientious about keeping you in the loop.

3) Offer to stop up at the school once a week to pick up copies of the hand-outs. It may be easier for the teacher to put copies aside in her room for you, than to remember to get them in the mail.

4) Our school has a web site, and voice mail. It's hard for the teachers to ignore you when you're using the email and voice mail to remind them constantly.

5) Finally, if your husband and his ex- would consider mediation, sometimes a good mediator can both help you solve problems like these, and work to bring down the level of animosity - beneficial for the kids too!

Good luck!
S.

Why does she have to provide him with any copies. It's his job and duty to be involved with the children and their school. It's his job to do the leg work and get the information he desires. Most schools have websites, calendars, etc...he can print them online, walk/drive to the school and physically get them. His ex wife is not his assistant...the fact that he is entitled to school records doesn't mean she has to make copies for him. Also, all schools, that I'm aware of, have big announcement signs - like billboards, they are updated according to events and meetings taking place.

I agree that it sounds like she is being a pain in the a**, and I'm sure that is hurting the children, but retaliation from you and/or the dad is only going to make that worse. Take the high road, do not argue with her, and exert a little more energy to get the info from the school. Stop by once a week to pick up the information, or once a day if that's what it takes. The more you fight with the mom about it, the more damage it will do to the children. It's only been three years, and he's already remarried! That's got to be hard enough for them.

It is always a sad case for the children. I know my child school has a web site you can go on to see the events that are happening each month. Maybe your husband childrens school has a web site you can look up the information yourself. Another suggestion is maybe he or yourself could stop by the school and ask for a copy of the childrens events that are happening each month. I just know the school my daughter goes to is very helpful, its a shame the school doesn't give a little. The mother sometimes we just have to accept people for who they are. We are completely powerless over other peoples action. Someday she will regret or just live a misable life her entire life.... Best of luck.

Our lawyer said if she isn't cooperating, custody can be switched. They want the parent who cooperates more with the other parent as the primary parent. She's just being bitter by not cooperating, how much time does it take for her to copy a report card or something? Really! You'd think you're asking her to go to the moon or something. If she just can't do it, you can get the info yourself, but it is a great deal more work than her just copying it. You have to send a letter every year & also send that you have joint custody etc. Sometimes they don't send everything either. We do this. If we wanted, we could really have her in contempt, but we're always the bigger person. It's not easy. Good luck honey! She is hurting the children & it will only hurt her in the long run.

Most courts won't do anything when it comes to school work and activities. My husband had this issue with his ex-wife and the judge said that he can enforce the visitation and support but the courts couldn't do anything about the other stuff b/c it's considered to be something that the spouses should handle on their own.

IA with what the others have said. Don't put it on your husband's ex to get the notices to you. She's spiteful and mean. Talk to the school and get involved! Check to see if the kids school has a website (most do nowadays.) See if your kids teacher has an email address but the more visible you are to the school then they get to know you and the more they'll help out.

GL

E.,

Welcome to my world! It has been almost 4 years since my divorce and I still struggle against my ex-husband. Honestly, I have learned that the courts system doesn't care and personally would like a huge investigation about how it is run. As for the items of getting school stuff, your husband is helpless at this point. There is nothing he can do. The courts don't care to take part in "domestic disputes" as simple as getting information. Technically, it does violate most divorce decrees. But they look at it as tension in the relationship.

Honestly, we have had problems with yeast infections from my daughter's lack of bathing and changing her clothes at her dad's and they turn a blind eye.

I wish I could give you assistance or hope that it will get better but I can't. All I can suggested is be patient and don't let her get the best of you. Stay strong, eventually the evil people get it in the end.

Also, my ex still does this to me because there are feelings there that he still has through this all. Keep that in mind, it is her way of having him come to her and allow her to be in control.

Also, write EVERYTHING down, any type of contact, missed plays, etc. Normally they don't look at it but if you are somewhere else besides Clay County, you might have shot!

E.,

I would strongly recommend the book "Parenting After Divorce" by Philip Stahl. It's available through the library, and offers wonderful, kid-focused suggestions.

He might also consider contacting MARCH mediation at 800-595-9750. They offer up to 4 hours of free mediation on parenting disputes. His ex-wife would have to agree to participate, however.

There is also a new resource in Gladstone called the Cooperative Parenting Center. Among other things, they offer parenting classes for high-conflict parents. Their phone number is ###-###-####.

I can't give you legal advise, but sounds like you need a new attorney- your attorney is there to help you in times like this and nothing is too petty not to pursue. Parenting plans are always to be followed to a 'T', if not followed correctly, it can be construed as contempt. Good luck

What part of the parenting agreement "as set by the court" is she not complying with? It sounds like she's complying with visitation which is normally about the level any court will get inovolved with aside from child support and medical insurance. I have never heard of a court ordered communication plan. They usually don't get down to the level of detail which includes "the mother shall keep the father informed of all school events."

Has your husband joined the school PTA? Has he talked to the teacher? As most people have stated here, most schools have a website with information on school events available. Ours even has links to PTA information, teachers email addresses and even each teachers teaching plan and homework assignments for the week. Our school sends the school newsletter and calendar out to the parents email as well as having it available on the website.

Does your husband call his kids regularly to ask about school, how they are doing and to keep himself up to date on their lives? It may take some effort on his part but I do believe its part of being a parent. If he wants to be more informed and involved, I'd say its up to him in large part. It would only cause more friction to get the courts involved anyway.

Most Schools provide a monthly calendar of events, maybe you could ask for a copy from the school.

You might try talking to the teacher or principal about mailing the fliers to your home. It would be a pain for the school, but you have a right to be involved. They may want to have a copy of the agreement on file (I have no idea if this is normal or not, just a thought). That way they know they are not violating any part of said agreement.

Another idea might be to ask for email updates. That doesn't cost the school anything, and they might already be doing something like that.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Is she not allowing visitation or only school and sport activities? If it is regarding anything to do with visitation - get a new lawyer. She has to fully comply with the order or she gets to go back to court. It works on a strike system. If the judge feels she is being vindictive and unwilling to ocmply with the order he/she sets, then she will lose primary custody adn the visitation will switch. Then if she doesn't return the children, it is considered parental kidnapping.
The reason for visitation orders is to allow a parent x hours x amount of times a month. If he doesn't get them until after that set time, then it is a strike against her unless they call and mutally agree to a later time. Start documenting EVERY date, if you have an answering machine, use that to tape some of your phone calls as proof, anything you can use, you will need to prove your case.

Now, for the sport and school: we are going through the same thing.
Call the school (well HE has to) and ask for copies of ALL handouts or mailings to the custodial parent. They WILL do this. Right now my husband has only asked for grades becuase we didn't have a vehicle that was safe enough to drive 3 hours on the spur of a moment, but now he will be calling and asking for his name to be put on the mailer.
If you know the sports - talk to the coach, explain the situation and that you would like a schedule mailed to your house since sending stuff with the child won't make it.
Talk to the child about telling him when things are when they talk on the phone. He doesn't have to say anything more than "so, tell me what the events are for the week for you" so the child doesn't hear anything negative about the other parent.

In any case, if it is something that is agreed upon in court, the court will moderate and make sure it happens. So if the parenting agreement was made in court, then go back to court and have it enforced.