I had posted a few weeks ago about my mother and her instability and a bunch of you wonderful mothers shared your thoughts and your stories, and I greatly apperaciate it. My aunt had received another phone call from my mother in one of her obsesive moods and rants. I too received another email her ranting about the past and even dogging out her mother which just made me laugh that everything she was dogging out my late gma for she was doing to me, she just does not see it that way. Anyway I finally responed I was polite but very blunt and to the point and I feel great I have what I wrote pasted. I feel like the ugly cloud over me has lifted. I also blocked her from emailing me I know she can make another address but for now I will see if this works. I really dont want to make another address I've had this on for over 15 yrs.let me know what you think of what I wrote I would apperciate the feedback.
Teresa,
We are doing fine. SYDNEY is doing great. Three years ago I sent you a letter and I received no response and the letter was not returned. At this time I do not want to have any communication with you. I am; after 14 years still dealing with the emotional pain you caused me when we said good-bye at the airport I said "good-bye love you mom" and your response was "I am not your mother". You say things and do things that are very mean and hurtful and I do not want that in Sydney's life. You are a very unstable person and I am quit sure it is not helped by your self-medicating. Maybe one day you will help yourself get better and stop relying on others to do it for you. This will be my last email to you please leave me alone, and let me live my life.
K.
thanks in advance.
Sounds good. Change "quit" to "quite" and maybe add 'wishing the best for you' or something at the end.
I am confused about your mother. Is she an alcoholic, mentally ill, or perhaps has alzheimers? If she is alcoholic (I saw self medicating) there are groups for you Alanon for instance that would be very supportive. If she has one of many other disorders, she will not see it, has refused to do something about it then again there are family groups, or cathartic for me is -writing.I need to look at the other letter. My exhusband was classified psyzchoid and my son has been classified bipolar manic depressive much to my chagrin. I thought my exhusband had obsessive compulsive disorder. None of these matter when you are living with a loving person who suffers from an affliction and doesn't mean to do it, even to the point of being sorry. What hurts is when they continue it and continue it and you are in so much pain and out of sorts all the time due to the reactions we have to this (our lack of sleep, or our own depression) and they are not sorry like your mother. She may or may not do something one day, or she may die like this. I have a step mother who apparently after my father died choses to live in your pain, for many years so depressed she has gotten to the point that she has no front teeth (and hasn't done) anything about it. She is simply unaware. And with my own son, who refuses to take his meds, he is an adult and I cannot drag him anymore to a doctor and had to ask him to leave. That was very painful. We sadly have to protect ourselves no matter what the love we have for someone. And in my case and yours we have to attach a condition to any future visits, we love you but we cannot accept you like this. Sadly, but necessary Your letter hit home. As a mother it hit me in my gut I can only hope it will do the same for your mother and cause her to change. Best of luck and hugs.
I had a very good friend that had to "divorce" her father. It's not an easy choice to make. I'm sorry that you don't get the benefit of having a loving, stable and healthy relationship (as healthy as ANY woman has with her Mom - hah!) ... but I know it takes a lot of strength to realize someone you love isn't good for you.
K., if you're not.. you should look into counseling. As you mentioned your Mom is repeating patterns she saw from her Mom? Even if she's not, people do have a high tendency to repeat behaviors they were raised with. Talk to a counselor so you can get support from someone that understands the difficulty of the choice you made and can help show you how to forge and maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter. Most importantly, your mothers problems aren't your problems and you're very brave to realize you need to live your life. You can't fix her. You can't make her well. Nothing you did made her that way, nothing you can do will make her "better."
Wishing you the best.
.
Nothing to add about your letter but just wanted to say that you are right to protect yourself and your family from your mother. There is nothing healthy she can add to your life at this time. Make sure that you are doing whatever you need to do to feel at peace with the situation. Reading some of the al-anon materials online and going to some of the forums has helped me in my own situation. It's up to you to not read any more emails or letters she sends to you. Just delete them and try to move on with your life! You should be proud of yourself for how you are dealing with this situation - please just make sure to do whatever you need to do to feel at peace and let go of any negative feelings. You have a right to be angry, and sad, and whatever else you feel - but it's important to keep moving forward in your life to be in a happy and healthy place so that her dysfunction does not hurt you or your relationships any more. Best of luck to you!!
Wow.
Perhaps your aunt will be able to let you know if
1) your mom read the letter
2) what, if anything, your mom got from the letter
3) if she expressed any sadness or other reaction.
I think it's a very good letter.
However, I wonder if her motivation to try to change
might be suppressed seeing your last words are so final,
rather than leaving an opening in case she does get
appropriate help toward normalizing her way of behaving.
K.,
You are a good mom to protect your daughter. I pray that your mom can grow and heal and become a healthy person.
Blessings to you and your family.
Very nicely written letter! You were very to the point, also let her know how hurt you have been by her actions & words. All of that written in a very nice caring way! Maybe your mom will make some changes in her life & get herself together.
I must applaud you for making a stable life for yourself & your family without the loving support of your mom. I was very sad to read your previous post. You have been through so much more then many of us, which shows what a strong person you are!!!!
Keep up the GREAT work! I wish you & your family the best!
K.
Good for you K.. I am sure it felt good to this off of your chest and to her. I think it is perfect the way it is. Your mom has to find the motivation to get better from with in herself. I wouldn't change the ending of your e-mail to her. If she gets better, I'm sure you will know through your Aunt. Then you can make contact if that is what you want at that time.
If you dont' want to change your e-mail address, just spam her e-mails, even if she changes address, you can mark them as spam. You don't have to read them, she doesn't know you aren't getting them.
Again, Congrats for protecting yourself and your family.
R.
