Hi All,
As DH and I have very different and incompatible beliefs, attitudes, tastes, and priorities and counseling from a few different therapists has not improved the situation, we are now considering a legal separation. We don't know what do in terms of custody.
Throughout our young children's lives, DH has been away more than he has been with them due to the nature of DH's work (entertainment). DH officially moved to another state (a five-hour drive from here) a few months ago. Now he wants us to move to his new home state (and buy a house there to live in for the rest of our lives) so that he can see the kids more often. I would like him to see the kids more often, too, as my kids want to see their father. I can see pros and cons for doing so.
PROS:
--Kids can see their father when he is not at work (two weekday evenings and weekend mornings--not as much as I would like but more than they see him now).
--Houses are cheaper (although wages are lower, too, so I'm not sure lower housing prices, esp. in what seems like a bubble, is really a pro.)
CONS:
--I highly doubt that I can find a job making a living wage there (and there are no cities within several hours' drive of DH's new city). City has only one industry, one that does not align with my values/tastes. (I find this city REALLY unattractive as a permament hometown--no offense to anyone who lives there and likes it.)
--DH's job lasts only as long as the show lasts, show duration is unknown. DH is unwilling to change jobs, even consider looking.
--School district there has the worst school district rating of any city in the U.S. (as opposed to the ratings of the school district my kids are in now). (It's great to be in a safe school with lots of resources.)
--Current school district has excellent special ed services, which really helps my elder child.
--Both sets of grandparents live within a half-hour's drive of my current neighborhood.
--Kids and I have many friends here. (DH has some friends and relatives here, too.)
--DH's new city is extremely dry, windy, hot/cold, city--bad for kids' allergies and mine.
--DH has made several impulsive decisions (e.g., making huge financial decisions without negotiation and without consulting me, disowning the grandparents based on hearsay) that I am not comfortable with. This behavior makes me concerned about "betting the farm" on a life out there with him. He also gets mad/throws things within a couple of hours of arriving at my home when he visits the kids. (He sees them a few hours/month.)
--If I move out there and then things don't work out, based on DH's state's laws, I may be forced to choose between poverty out there or life outside of poverty in another location but without custody of my kids.
I suggested to DH that both of us look for jobs in urban areas where BOTH of us could get jobs that we found acceptable (made a living wage and generally liked our work) and could BOTH see the kids on a weekly basis. DH refused to consider. I want to find a compromise that all parties deem acceptable. I need to make a decision within the next six weeks as I may need to move out of my current (university) housing within that time frame (university rules). Any suggestions?
Thanks!
Hi All,
Thank you very much for providing very useful information and support. I now have a clearer picture of what I can, need, will, and will not to do. To DH, I'm going to propose a few different arrangements that I think involve flexibility on both our parts but are fair and financially protect us. If DH won't budge, then I will make major decisions on my own, with my children's interest in mind. Specifically, I plan to conduct a national job search as opposed to a one-city job search.
Best wishes,
LE
Did you mean DH to say 'dear husband' or darn husband'?
Whatever he made the decision to move and be away from you and the kids. Now he wants YOU to deal with the consequences of HIS decision. DON'T move, let him HIM deal with the consequences of his decision.
3. He´s got the the tiny little baby in His hands,
|: He´s got the the tiny little baby in His hands, :|
He´s got the whole world in His hands.
4. He´s got you and me, brother, in His hands,
|: He´s got you and me, brother, in His hands, :|
He´s got the whole world in His hands.
5. He's got ev'rybody here in His hands.
|: He's got ev'rybody here in His hands. :|
He's got the whole world in His hands.
To me this is a no brainer. Do not move to a city you do not like, where the school district sucks, where your allergies will be bad and you can't get a job making a living wage to be near a man that will not compromise and was already ok with the fact that he hardly sees his kids.
Why the heck are you even considering this? The only person it's good for is a man you don't want to be with and who doesn't prioritize his family.
Seeing their dad more would be great for your kids... But the cost would be your happiness, a better education, financial stability, relationships with two sets of grandparents, etc.
It is hard to start putting our own needs and our children's needs ahead of a narcissistic and impulsive spouse when we are not used to it. I've been there too. But think about how you would respond to someone here on mamapedia who asked a similar question. You'd probably tell them to stay where they're at. So... Take your own advice.
I would not move. The cons far outweigh the pros. And......you don't know if the kids would actually see much of their father. He sounds self-absorbed and irresponsible with a volatile temper. Where you live now they have relationships with their grandparents which is nearly as important as seeing their father. They already have had a long term relationship with them You don't know what their relationship will be with their father. You have evidence that indicates it won't be so good. "Gets mad, throws things......."
Moving them would be a huge disruption and add a whole lot to feelings of insecurity. I suggest it's more important to maintain the status quo as much as possible. The adjustment to your separation added to the adjustment of a new home, new friends, separation from grandparents, etc. would be really hard on them.
Several therapists I know have this saying. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You've not had success in your relationship with your husband and the kids have not developed a close relationship with him thus far. I see nothing in your post that would indicate that anything would be any different in his town. And much that would indicate that a move would be a disaster.
If you're not sure, I suggest that you get some short term counseling to help you make this decision. I suggest that next to your decisions to marry and have children this is at the top.
Later: I must be missing something. I do not find anywhere that Las Vegas is the city to which you're considering moving. Not that if that were the city I'd suggest that you move. I'd still say, stay where you are, where you have a support system, where the kids are established and comfortable and where you know that their father won't be visiting often. If you move you still won't know but you'll keep hoping and that sort of uncertainty is very difficult for adults to handle let alone children.
Your past posts show your husband to be EXTREMELY impulsive. Do not move across county in the hopes they he may, possibly spend time with his kids. The gamble is too big. Your kids haven't even been able to process what's going on, why add another major life event in the mix? If he wants to spend time with his kids, he'll find a way that doesn't involve completely uprooting all your lives for his convenience.
Specifically because you are afraid you can't find a job with a living wage, I would not do it. He wants his freedom and the ease of coming back and forth when it is convenient for him. He can throw you out of the house that would be in HIS name any time he wants. If you don't have a job, he can take you to court and demand custody after he has you where he wants you, and then establish that you owe HIM child support.
Stay in your university housing. He made the choice to move out of state. He needs to live with it. DO NOT move, LE.
Do NOT move. Period. There is absolutely NO reason to. If he wants to see his kids that bad, he will move to wherever is currently best for THEM. he is impulsive, selfish, and habitually makes terrible choices. The least wise thing you could do, is follow him and his choices somewhere.
This sounds to me like your husband is trying to control you and move your away from everyone and everything you know. He has no intentions of seeing the kids more, he's just telling you that to alleviate his own guilt for moving there in the first place. If you do this you will be completely dependent on him. what if you can't find a job? why would you move you kids to a place where they won't get a decent education? Answer to your question...Hell No you should not move.
Wow, this might be a discussion point if you guys were still together and planned to remain married, which doesn't sound to be the case.
HE was the one that chose to move where he is...not you. Based on the way you laid this out here, it doesn't sound to be any improvement for you or the kids. He is asking you to uproot your entire life and your children's life based on his unsteady job.
If things are as you portray them, no way would I consider this. I would suggest that he purchase a car that is really good on gas.
I agree with Diane B. DON'T DO IT!!! This is a NO BRAINER!! Look at your Pros and Cons sheet again. This is ALL about your DH trying to make things convenient for HIM!! Have you shared this list with him? If so, has he considered how this would significantly affect you and the kids? He sounds EXTREMELY selfish. Stay where you are.
Not a chance I would even consider this move. Your husband is selfish and controlling. He literally expects everyone in your family to uproot their lives and follow him because he's too selfish and immature to get a normal, grown-up job that doesn't take him away from his kids? I don't think so. Your kids need stability and opportunity and extended family more than they need this selfish, immature fool in their lives.
There is no way I'd upset the status quo for that set of circumstances. Way too many risky variables, versus a fairly stable situation now.
ETA: It's good to meet with a qualified, competent attorney to figure out what your options are (sounds like you may have done that?).
So your husband moved to Las Vegas to work? Las Vegas is more than shows and gambling. Have you done any research on it? I don't know what your PhD is in. However, while Las Vegas has a high unemployment rate - there are MANY other things that happen there....NOT just gambling.
There are bad schools EVERYWHERE...have you checked out http://www.greatschools.org and researched the schools and support they have there? My nephews are graduates of the Las Vegas school system - and they are doing VERY well. Both have stable, professional jobs - and they are NOT in the entertainment industry...
I am truly confused...what drew you two together in the first place? it had to be something. or did something drastic happen in the last several years that one or both of you changed so completely that you are now incompatible? I don't get it. I'm sorry. I don't get that. Why on earth would two people who have totally very different and incompatible beliefs, attitudes, tastes, and priorities get married? Did you guys think you would change the other?
So now your kids are going to suffer - no matter how you slice it. Your kids get the short end of the stick.
Would I move? No. Not if I would not be able to find work and offer stability to my children. Yes. It would be great if they could see their father, but the cons/downside outweigh the good. Especially if your husband's job is not permanent - but long term temporary.
I'm not going to tell you that your husband needs to grow up. You already know that. Nor am I going to tell you that he needs to find another career path. That's not my place.
If you have six weeks to find new living quarters - I would strongly suggest you start looking now. Do you have a job? If not - can you find one in your area? I would not encourage you to drop out of the doctoral program - but you may have to cut back so that you can take care of your family. If you can't live with your parents or his parents until you are finished with your PhD - then maybe you need to rethink YOUR path...
This has been going on for almost a year - his moving out of country - then to Las Vegas and your concerns over financial stability - why has a decision not been made yet? It's like you are playing "you go first" instead of taking a stand and saying "ENOUGH, MY priorities are our children. **I** will be moving to X and you are MORE THAN WELCOME to come and visit. However, due to the uncertainty with employment, I have chosen to live in X." Stop pushing back and forth. Put your kids first - they deserve stability. They deserve a lot better than they are getting right now, in my opinion, and deserve to be put first. Make a decision. Stick with it.
Good luck!
L.E.,
While I agree that moving doesn't sound so great for you based on your preferences and your overall PRO/CON list, particularly that you have grandparents and friends there, I have to say a few things on your con list are in error and don't give the full picture of living here in the Vegas Valley. So, if you even think you might really consider moving here, I hope I can provide you with some additional, factual information that may be helpful.
Sorry if this gets a little long and detailed, but this is for L.E. and anyone else interested in moving here.
I live in Henderson (the newest part, not the original center of the city), and it is a lovely, family-oriented suburb of Las Vegas with a population of about 270,000. Our home is in a safe, beautiful community, close to every kind of shopping, retail, and restaurants you could want, and we are 10-15 minutes from the airport, depending on traffic, but we don't have any of the airport noise. We can be to the south side of the strip, when we choose to go, in about 15 minutes. We aren't gamblers, have no interest it, but we do go to the strip when family/friends come to town and want to eat at some of the world-class restaurants there. We're so close---yet from our home, you'd never know we were near Las Vegas, unless you looked out from our upper balcony and saw the skyline.
Despite the bad reputation of the Clark County School District (CCSD), my son attends a 5-star (highest state ranking), Blue Ribbon for Excellence elementary school (nationally recognized by DOE)---a public school that is part of CCSD. There are special services for EVERY student need. One of my best friends taught special ed there until this year when she moved to K, and I know many of the other special ed teachers and assistants. They are fabulous. My son will be starting in GATE next year in the third grade. He's truly had an outstanding foundation so far in his first three years of elementary school. There isn't enough room here for me to describe how wonderful the teachers and administrators are!
Our school has an actual Rainforest Biosphere in the school (the only one in an elementary school in the world) where kids from all over the county come to tour and learn. Fourth and fifth graders, who are recommended by teachers go through an application and training program and become docents for the program, and it is a tremendous learning and leadership opportunity for them. Surrounding our school is a host of other 5 star elementary schools, great middle and high schools. Plus, there are tons of exceptional charter and private schools, if you want to go that route. I have friends with children at both of these, and they are very, very happy with those schools.
Our school is part of the BE KIND foundation, and the theme of kindness is one that is put into action every day of the school year here. It is expected of the teachers and staff as well as the students. It really makes a difference to have such a positive atmosphere in the learning environment.
Our older children all attended public schools here in Henderson. Our eldest graduated from the Ohio State University two years ago and has a fabulous career. We still have two in college, and they are both honor students, well on their ways to a successful life. All of our friends' children---same story, and they are either in great universities or on their way there in the fall.
The Clark County School District encompasses the entire Las Vegas Valley, and the great schools get lumped in with the under-performing schools. Everyone always hears about the bad, and after that, no one stops to learn about the good. So, I've said all of this to let you know that your children can thrive and be successful in this school district, if you choose the right areas to live.
We live in a very family-oriented area, with more family and child activities than there is time to do them. We have great libraries with wonderful programs, many of them free. We have more parks than I've ever seen anywhere, miles of bike and hiking trails, sports fields, etc. There are tons of art, science, music, dance, sports organizations and programs that cater to kids. There are dozens of camps, and we have several rec centers around the city that offer tons of programs for children and adults. The rec centers have great camps in the summer as well.
As far as your career, I see that another poster mentions you have your PhD. I also have a doctorate, and until I chose to stay home with our youngest when he was one, I had a fantastic career. There is so much more than the strip and the entertainment industry. There are universities, businesses, so many hospitals, health and wellness centers.
Do your tastes and values include museums and theatre? We just opened a brand new children's museum that even adults love. It happens to be right next to the year-old Smith Performing Arts Center. (Not on the strip, by the way). We are members and have been treated to incredible musical and Broadway performances, the kinds of which we previously only saw in NY.
Allergies? Yes, but I've had them everywhere I've lived from the midwest to the south, and now the west. However, we have the best allergist I've ever known, and my allergies are under better control than they've been at any other point in my life. We have great doctors here!
Again, sorry about the length, but I really wanted you to see the other side of where we live in case you decide that being close to the kids' dad is what you want or need to do for your family.
I wish you the best and know this is a very tough decision. Please feel free to PM me with any questions. I'd be happy to help in any way I can, and if you come to town for a visit, I'd be happy to show you some of the areas you may want to consider.
Sincerely,
J. F.
Edited: "need"
Also, I am not a realtor or anything like that, nor am I promoting any, so there is no pressure. Would just like to help a fellow parent, if possible.
Read what you wrote.
This is all about making things easier for him, a situation he made harder for himself and wants you to fix.
You'd take your kids out of a good school district into a city and climate you plan to hate, and away from grandparents (including HIS parents), so he can justify his poor decision to move away from them. And what happens in 6 months when he finds his next "big opportunity"??? Sounds much more like he's trying to control you.
If he wants to see his kids, he can figure out a way.
I'm sorry you're separating but it sounds like you have nothing in common. The lack of shared values is a red flag for me - and you're considering acting on values of his that you disapprove of, which means you are buying into something you know is wrong.
I think you know the answer.
I think that if you move to where he is then you are not thinking of your kids at all. I think you are thinking of him and how easy this will be for him.
Now you're not talking about moving from some part of California to someplace like Vegas where you'd have a good chance of finding gainful employment, you're talking about moving to some podunk town that isn't even near a city where you could find a job. This will make you totally dependent on him, you do realize this right? He'll call each and every shot, you'll have zero money, he'll have to give you a couple of bucks to even go buy a loaf of bread.
You won't be teaching your kids anything except how to live within the system and how to live on ramen noodles and tortilla's.
Not to be mean but pretend you are a mom that came across this post and are reading it about someone else. You'd be telling them that a relationship between the kids and their dad is not worth you giving up a life to become his possession.
Did you read your post?
You have one selfish H. He has poor judgement, is completely selfish, and you want to be closer to him, why?
Look out for your family exactly where you are now. You H sounds dangerously close to having a mental illness. BPDfamily.com
Honestly, I would not move because your soon-to-be-former husband wants you to move. He sounds flaky and flighty. If you moved to where he is now, and then he had to move to New York because of "the business" would he then expect you to follow? What's the point of being divorced or separated if you're going to move when he moves or just because he's asking you to?
If he wants to see his children then the responsibility of keeping of the relationship is on him. Yes, you help facilitate it but it's his choice to move away from them. He doesn't have the right to expect you to move closer. Especially per your description of him if it's accurate.
Don't do it.
