Moving Out #2 - Evans Mills,NY

Dear D.,

I don't have first-hand experience with teenagers YET, but I can speak from personal experience of having lived through a somewhat dysfunctional upbringing with many siblings, (myself included) who all had many issues and problems.

There was a lot of drinking and abusive type stuff that contributed to all of this and issues of control. But ultimately it lead to a lot of unhappiness and inability to deal with problems and just caused so many people to be stuck in a rut.

The way I see it, you have a couple of options. You can continue to let your daughter know you want to help her and see if you can get her to agree to counseling or therapy, alone and/or with you, or you can cut her loose and let nature take it's course. As far as counseling is concerned, it may take several attempts before you find the right one. But it's really important you become vunerable and open yourself to her to let her know you are human and make mistakes too, and that all that stuff can be forgiven and healed. Maybe you and she need a healthy reckoning with a psychologist?

Will she bond with you? Can you do things with her that help you connect with her and open things up? Will she focus on things that are healthy for her, education, hobbies, music, animals art, painting, cooking anything that enriches her life?

Can you show her other examples of people who are well balanced and successful, and how they accomplished it? If you can show her a couple of examples of how sweet life can be, she may get the big picture. I would explain to her that everyone chooses their own path, you can not control what she chooses. But you do want to show her how wonderful life can be. Especially if she finds any one or two things that motivate or inspire her to spend her time enriching her life.

If you know anyone else who has lived a great life, and has a successful career, nice home, etc. etc. get her introduced to that and explain to her how it was accomplished. There are ways to inspire people and sometimes we as parents are discarded as such when there is so much hurt and things have reached a boiling point because you're personally involved. As parents we will always get some of the blame for things gone wrong in our children's lives until they learn to move past it and take control of themselves.

She needs to understand she ultimately holds the power to her own self-happiness and self-worth. That's a hard concept for a teenager.

The greatest form of healing that I was able to experience in my own life, was when I realized that NO ONE else could make me more happy than myself! It sounds so simple, but is such a hard one for many of us to understand. If she chooses a difficult path, do not fault yourself. Just be there for her when she needs you.

I would take her horseback riding or find something she and you can enjoy together and open her up and get talking the best way you know how. The key in my opinion is get her inspired to live an enriching life and to find a good career/education in which she likes what she is doing. Get her to stop THINKING about her life and how hard it is, and just start DOING things and you'll be amazed at how it can change a person's attitude.

Best of Luck to you and her, I really wish you both the best.

D.

Hi D..

First. Take a big breath.... and relax. The more stressed you are about the situation the worse it seems.

Communication is the only thing that will work.

You both must agree on talking and using some basic 'rules'. NO Yelling, no cussing <swearing!>. Each person if given a chance to share what they want/need : feel/think. THE OTHER MUST LISTEN – QUIETLY!! <have note pads to write what you need to remember while the other is talking. Questions for clarification is a GOOD thing.> If things get ‘loud’ or someone gets to frustrated to continue – take a 5 minute break and resume………..

This usually takes FOUR “meetings” – at first you set the day and time of the first meeting <making sure it is agreed upon….. and not a conflict with anyone’s schedule.> IF THEY NO SHOW – the next meeting is set on YOUR terms. Have the ‘new’ rules lined up. Have some room for choices and options.
For example:
The 'revolving door' will continue as long as YOU allow it. ALSO, allowing them/her to treat you in 'any' way is up to you. Over the past 8+ years <that our older ones starting 'leaving the nest'> we have 'changed' our relationships a few times. I will NOT be spoken to in a manner that is not appropriate, all of MY rules in MY home will be observed and obeyed. I do not have the same rules as ‘their friend Bobby does’ or any other Tom, Dick or ex-husband has. My rules are for me and work for my home. PERIOD.
Either they attended and finished school or GED’D out. Two of our children were SO bored…. choose to GED out at 16/17 so that was THEIR choice. Once out of school, they either had to work full time or go to college.

Those that choose to move back home after experiencing a ‘bad situation’ were given ground rules that they knew they had to live by – or move out. When it came a time when they did NOT follow the rules, were distributive to the ‘family’ unit in the home: they were given 90 days notice that the locks would be changed and they were to be elsewhere. 15 days prior to ‘move out day’ – have the locks on the kitchen table/counter as a reminder. When they ask about them be sure to let them know that they will installed on “X” date. <BE SURE TO REMOVE THE KEYS FROM THE BOXES!!!> Sounds hard. Some days you just HAVE to do what is best for you and everyone else still in the home!
BTW – Our oldest D is working full time, lives out of our home, has a decent relationship with a young man, and is looking to go back to college next spring. Our First S – is back in college <and working/lives on campus> and trying to decided where he ‘wants his life to go’. Our second S – is a military child, yet did NOT continue his career in the military and is now working as a civilian working and just this past week had an interesting conversation with our ‘senior’ in HS – that he had better get his butt in college and that he was willing to share his place with him as long as he was in school; and followed the rules!!! Hehehehehe!!

COMMUNCATION – Communication – Communication!!!

Hope this helps............ Best of luck to you.

im sorry, i have no advice. i am a firm believer in resposibility. if she does want to return, and having her there isnt upsetting your entire family dynamics and marriage, make sure to set ground rules. a good way is to say, you can live rent free if you go to school fulltime, but as far as extra, she is responsible. if she chooses not to go to school, rent must be paid. dont confuse her wants with her needs. the best parent doesnt care for their child into adulthood, they prepare thier child to care for themselves as an adult. when your child is taking care of themselves in the world, you know you have succeeded.

if you have talked to her all you can, there is nothing more to say. hopefully, she will do better in an envrironment where she doesnt have a history. i wish you the best.

as for the law, im a bit confused about that one, you cannot be held responsible for an adult(18+) who doesnt live with you in regards to her finances. but if you are referring to her for child support issues, thats a good question considering noncustodial parents have to pay support in college to the custodial parent. lmk if you find the answer to that.

wanted to add, no dont pay the phone bill, if she is an adult, wants to live away from home, she doesnt get mom to pay bills, although i dont think any parent should continue to pay the phone bill. i paid my own since 16. as for the clothes, again no, unless you would like to get her a few things as a xmas present, but again, that means no presents no xmas. good luck again

Dear D.,

I went through similar problems with my son in high school. He was very popular and liked, however he didn't seem to think so. He suffered from very low self-esteem and became very depressed. He drank alcohol, dabbled in some drugs, just was headed in the wrong direction. I think high school was a big struggle for him trying to stay on the right track when a large portion of his friends did not. He has a great heart, very sensitive, and just had a difficult time. There were times he would tell me he wished he would die (thank god he never tried ) but I knew he was in very deep pain and lived in fear that he would try to take his life. I never gave up and you should not either. Do not let her run any longer, do what ever you have to to help her get through this terrible time. Even though things do not seem so bad to us as parents trust me it is probably the end of the world for them. I went through 4 psychologists until we found the right one. He was very reluctant to open up until he was comfortable. He went to counseling for around a year and really did a lot of the hard work he needed to feel better. Believe me I do not know how I survived the constant worry. He became focused went to college, graduated, and is now 24 and for the most part I finally feel like I can breathe and not worry about him. Ironic as it is he works for a state funded orphanage for troubled teens. It has really helped him tremendously to see real heartache and appreciate what a wonderful life he did have, but couldn't see. Some kids are much more emotional then others and need to learn the tools and coping skills to get them through life. I also had to change my ways. I was a very overprotective mom who thought I was doing a great job and realized I was not helping him to live with the disappointment sometimes life can bring. DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER SHE NEEDS YOU!! Even though she may not look like she appreciates your help she will someday. Good luck to you!!

dear mom/grandma,

HELLLLOO

she is not a baby, enough is enough

She is 18 years old, she has been in an out of your house,her dads house, ect..

time to let her live her own life, which means NO more money from mom, if dad wants to dole out the dough who cares, but you need to stop.

do not buy her new clothes.
don't give her any money, NOTHING.

after she graduates highschool thats where your charity should end completely,

Send the grocery money to your son,
this way you know the money will be used properly.

Who gives a heck about your X wanting to hurt you,
who cares what your daughter wants,
Once this kid is out of the nest , she needs to step up and start taking care of her own business.

enough is enough,
stop the pity party

and stop babysitting her,

Before she leave get her to sign papers calling her and emancipated minor.

Not even sure she qualifys since she's 18

http://www.empirestatecoalition.org/emanc.html

http://www.highcountrylaw.com/Minor-Emancipation/123528.htm

For the parent this means NO more tax deduction.

In the United States, a person is a minor (and therefore under the control of their parent(s)/guardian(s)) until he or she attains the Age of Majority (18 years in most states), at which point he or she is an adult.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emancipated_minor

Age of majority is frequently confused with similar concept, the age of license, which also pertains to the threshold of adulthood but in a much broader and more abstract way. As a legal term of art, "license" means "permission", and it can implicate a legally enforceable right or privilege. Thus, an age of license is an age at which one has legal permission from government to do something. The age of majority, on the other hand, is legal recognition that one has grown into an adult.

For example, in any jurisdiction, the age at which an individual is allowed to exercise the franchise (vote), leave school without taking a diploma, enter into legally binding contracts (other than for necessaries, to which no age of license applies), operate a motor vehicle, purchase and consume alcoholic beverages, and so on – these are all ages of license, at which the law permits an individual to perform certain acts and exercise certain rights, with or without any restrictions.

Age of majority pertains solely to the acquisition of control over one's person, decisions and actions, and the correlative termination of the legal authority and responsibility of the parents (or guardian(s), in lieu of parents) over the child’s persons and affairs generally.

Many ages of license are correlated to the age of majority, but they are nonetheless legally distinct concepts. One need not have attained the age of majority to have permission to exercise certain rights and responsibilities. Some ages of license are actually higher than the age of majority. For example, the age of license to purchase alcoholic beverages is 21 in all U.S. states. For most other purposes, the age of majority in the U.S. is 18, except for 2 states with the age of 19 (Nebraska and Alabama) and one state with the age of 21 (Mississippi) and two (American Samoa and Puerto Rico) that retain 14 as the age of majority.[1] Also, the age of majority in the Republic of Ireland is 18, but one must be over 21 years of age to stand for election.

A child who is legally emancipated by a court of competent jurisdiction automatically attains to his or her majority upon the signing of the court order. This is distinct from the legal process by which a child might be taken into foster care and/or made a ward of the court. Foster care and court wardship do not confer majority upon the child so separated from his or her parents (or guardians). Only emancipation confers the status of majority before a person has actually reached the age of majority.

Almost all jurisdictions automatically confer emancipation (and with it, the status of majority) upon otherwise minor individuals who are married. Some do likewise for minors who are on active duty in the armed forces.[2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_of_Majority

http://www.empirestatecoalition.org/parents.html

If I were you I would go fill out the forms for emancipation,
at the very least you won't be responsible for any mistakes she makes along the way.

M

She kept running away because each time she went to another place, she was treated better or not to face the same old problem. That would continue to encourage her running away issue. All of you should communicate with each other and work together with an effort to make her realize that not only she has to face the same problem wherever she goes to but it would get worse each time she runs away from it. Help her to resolve the problem and make her feel she would be better off to stay where she is.

If you are financially responsible for her, then you make the decision not to pay for her trip to run away from her problem. Each time she wanted to go away, each time you paid for it, then her problem could possibly come from you. You financially encouraged her leaving from her problem to begin with. Could she be your problem that deep inside your heart that you wanted her to go away?

Have counseling for her, you, and your husband together to sort out differences. I hope I'm helpful to you. It is only my personal opinions.

I was a runaway once before to and did not want to listen to anybody, but as I got older I realized that it was tough love that made me grow up and today I must say I raised three very smart and beautiful girls. Don't give up but let her go. Don't pay her cell phone bill at all. Make her pay it her self if she wants to be a big girl now. my girls are 16,18 & 20 and they all pay thier own cell phone bills and car insurance and they tell me all the time thank you mom for making us be responsible. go ahead and give that a try.
M. V from Rochester NH

All you can do at this point is let her go...but as you see her off to phoenix let her know that you are not buying any new clothes,she will have to do this on her own. I have a son that got invovled with a girl and they ended up with a litte girl of their own. They used to live with me and basically had it made. Well being the outspoken one could not and will not stand for the disrespect of being their enabler. That is what you are doing enabling her to manipilate you into whatever she wants when she wants it. Those problems she is running from will one day come around and bite her. Make her the responsible one for herself, one day and it will take a while for this to happen, she will thank you for it. Right now she will be mad at you but you can't go on being her stepping stone in life, one day you will be gone and then what will happen to her. Life is tough enough without our children making it hard on us. What did this guy mean to her and what does his opinion mean anyway. He can do out and have sex and be a macho man and she goes and has sex and she is a slut, I don't think so. His opinion doesn't matter he is probably not the one she will spend the rest of her life with anyway. It is time for them to start acting like the grown ups they want us to treat them as. Let go mom and make her responsible. Otherwise you will be bailing her out of every situation for the rest of your life. I don't mean to sound harsh cause I love my children but I had to stop enabling them to take advantage of me., It is hard but you can do it. One other thing turn her over to God, He is in control of everything and you will see a change in her. Good Luck and God Bless