Well it's been a tough few months for my family. My Grandmother who is 85 had knee replacement surgery back in July. While she was still in the hospital recovering my step-grandfather suffered a stroke and died. My parents made the decision to take her out of rehab at the nursing home and bring her to their house to provide her care and we all have been contributing.
My mother just had knee replacement surgery herself yesterday but before the surgery she was in tears because my Grandmother has this little dog. My deceased uncle (my dad's brother) gave her this dog. It was the LAST thing he gave to her before he died so it holds very sentimental emotions to her. Plus she is grieving the loss of her second husband of 38 years.
The dog has been through a lot too but he keeps peeing, pooping, and throwing up in the upper level where she is in their traditional ranch home (not daily but more often than they would like to clean it all up). The carpets were to be replaced anyways but she likes for him to sleep in the bed with her so he has done his deal on the bed too. Which results in my parents having to strip the bed multiple times and wash. It's just really too much not only for them but for her too. Getting rid of the dog is NOT an option for this lady. She finger feeds him 3x a day. He is overweight and spoiled and my mom isn't much of an animal person -especially one that messes up her home. I don't know what to tell them.
I would suggest crate training him but my Grandmother would never have such thing done to her baby. I can relate I have a dog too but he doesn't sleep with me for several reasons and he is crate trained. Another issue is money. When my Step granddad passed he left everything to his children and nothing to her except for what she walked into with the marriage which was like $20,000. We don't even know if she has a home to go to because before he died he got an offer from investors for his home and property. He signed the paperwork but now he is dead. They gave him $5000 I think in whatever you call it-earnest money?? $20,000 isn't going to buy her much and she REFUSES to go into an assisted living and you have to have money for that.
We don't want to put her in a nursing home because I don't believe that would be in her best interest but the main issue here is the dog. My parents don't mind her, taking care of her, allowing her to live there and have even tried to get her to agree to move in but she refuses. She says she will NOT be a burden to her kids. Well what choice do you have at this point? However, how do you tell a person that is 85 years old that she is welcome but the dog isn't??
I truly believe that the dog can be trained and he WAS trained over at her house to use puppy pads but since living with my parents he just goes anywhere and everywhere. However, consistency is the key in training and my parents and her are not really in any condition to provide the consistency he needs. The dog HAS to eat before ANYONE else in the house as well-while she warms his food in the microwave and finger feeds him. I mean is that insane? I love my grandmother so much and it's hard for me to hear my parents vent to me about these things and I don't have any advice. I'm lost here!
The dog could be trained to relieve itself outside. If grandma moves to a facility, she might be allowed to take the dog with her because it is obvious that she loves this dog. It brings her companionship and she probably feels needed by the dog. Suggest trying to train the dog and see how that goes.
Just because someone is old doesn't mean they can ruin other people's lives when there is a choice... If your grandmother is still mentally sound, you explain this can't go on. Let her think a day. Outline her options. Go through how much it costs to go to assisted living. Outline how no nursing home that i know of will take a dog or at least one like this. Let her realize if she wants this dog, your parents house is the only place. Then tell her no one is going to keep cleaning dog poop. Simple as that. So it's crate training or nothing. My parents are around those ages and would never do this... So if she's going to be so unreasonable, not your fault. She is being well cared for and doens't have the money for anything else so should be gracious.
I would take the dog to the vet, without Granny, and talk with the vet about the entire situation. Everything. Ask that the vet write up a treatment plan to address all of the issues (urinating/defecating everywhere, vomiting, not eating healthily or properly, obesity etc.).
Bring the vet's treatment plan home and say, "Okay, the vet says that we have to do these things to make sure that Prince gets healthy and stops getting sick all over the place." Then, using the vet's authority, make changes in the household regarding the care and treatment of the dog.
This way, your mom will be able to do all the things that need to be done (crate training, proper feeding, etc), without Granny's insistence that she is maltreating the dog or being mean to her. Your mom can blame the vet. "The vet said that this is what we have to do to take care of Prince and help him not to be sick. I'm just following the vet's rules." And if Granny argues, "Mom, let me call the vet and see what he says about letting Prince eat that. I don't think it's healthy." Or, "The vet says we need to let Prince eat out of his dish and then let him outside for 30 minutes so he can run, poop and pee."
Sometimes you just need to appeal to a higher authority. ;-) I hope that helps your family out.
I've been dealing with a friends elderly dog who pees and poops in the house. I've also helped her move to assisted living from senior housing.
About the dog. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. The vet tested this dog for urinary infection and he didn't have one. She said since he pees in random places he's likely to remain incontinent. My brother took the dog for a while but couldn't keep him. I had the dog for several weeks. So.....my friend took him back to see if she'd be able to manage him. Her new apartment has never had a dog in it which helps.She takes him out several times/day and so far it's working. She got help from a trainer.
Sounds like taking him out or leaving him out most of the day isn't possible. Sounds like he's only been trained to use a pee pad. I would go back to using that. Why would that be too difficult? Use several scattered where he'll be and your mother can throw them out in the evening.
As to where grandmother will live. Unless she has a monthly income of $3000_$5000 she won't be able to live in assisted living. She will need a momtly income of probably $2-3000 to live in affordable senior housing which is subsidized. She may be able to get housing assistance from medicare if she requires assisted living. She will not be able to have her dog with her if he's urinating/deficating inside.
In Portland, there is an office, Senior Solutions, that helps in understanding about and finding housing and other types of care.
I suggest that your mother may have have to be tough and say no dog. I suggest that first she include your grandmother in exploring options. Being a part of the decision won't make giving up the dog any easier but it will preserve your mother's and grandmother's relationship.
Wow! I reviewed your post. Your mom is having knee surgery. Who will be helping her? Is your grandmother mostly self sufficient? I think that if grandmother is unable to do the clean ups herself the dog has to go at least until your mother is on her feet. I've helped 2 people after knee surgery. They needed me for a couple of weeks. And had limited mobility for weeks after. Taking care of her mother's dog is too much to expect. Perhaps you could kennel him.
Your mom doesn't want to be a burden yet she is because of her dog. I suggest she has to assume all responsibility for his care or mourne his lost. It is what it is. It's very difficult to let go but she has to do that.
It sounds like she doesn't have enough money to pay for her own place. Unfortunately she didn't plan and these are the consequences. I urge all of you get into family counseling to help with this major transition. The longer your mom struggles with the dog she will be less able and less willing to have your grandmother there. And......Their relationship will become strained. I know this from my own experiences with aging parents and my friend with her dog.
Why don't you guys ask her what she wants to do and where she'd like to live? No offense, but she might be anxious to get a place of her own. You realize that assisted living and nursing homes are 3-9K per month right ?
With all of the pooping and peeing and stripping and cleaning going on--why isn't anyone training the dog or taking it OUTSIDE?
IMO, it's a LOT easier to take the dog out every hour than clean up the mess.
Like Rosemud said:
"Mom, I love you, and I like Buster, but if he's going to stay here he has to be trained. Otherwise, he has to find a new home."
That's a difficult situation. If your Grandmother "doesn't want to be a burden", where does she envision herself living? If she is of sound mind then I would leave the dog out of the conversation for now and start by figuring out where she would want to live.
Your mom needs to know definitively what Grandma owns (if she has any interest in the home) and how much of the $20,000 is left.
As far as "assisted living", maybe she would be more interested in an independent living community for seniors where she has her own apartment and there are activities and amenities on site. That way she has her independence and a built in social circle. Many independent living communities also have assisted living nearby, when the time comes that she cannot live alone.
She may be against the idea but maybe your mom could get her to tour a few carefully vetted places, and discuss frankly her options based on her finances.
ETA: As far as the dog, it sounds like there are some psychological issues wrapped up in that relationship that might not be extractable. Because she has voiced that she doesn't wish to live with your parents long-term I would see the dog as a short-term problem.
Did they know about the dog when they moved in? What did they expect? If she is unwilling to part with her dog, then she needs to go back to rehab for her recovery. Can she have her dog there? If not, what was she doign without him before they brought her home? That might even be incentive to push through her recovery.
I'm not insensitive to your family's needs. I just think that the line has to be drawn somewhere. I can't think of a single person in my family who would expect this to be okay, even among our elders. Any one of them would be so apologetic and ready to do whatever to keep the dog from crapping up the place, creating bigger work for the caregivers. It's one thing to wipe a grand's butt. It's quite another to clean up after the dog, and I seriously do not know of anyone who would not draw the line at that and start making other arrangements for that dog at the very first sign of THIS business.
How she feeds the dog is her business, as long as it's not getting in the way of the homeowners. I hate the thought of having to pull rank, but that is THEIR house, and they are this uncomfortable? No way.
They are all adults.
Your mother has to make it very clear to grandma that she (your mother) will be training the dog, and if it takes a crate, then so be it.
If your parents take grandma and the dog in, they have a right to set boundaries around the dog and train the dog. Your mother should have learned to set boundaries with her mom by now.
Your mom needs to stop bitching and draw the line. She needs to tell grandma, "Mom, I love you, and I like Buster, but if he's going to stay here he has to be trained. Otherwise, he has to find a new home." Period.
I don't think it matters when the dog eats.
There's your advice to your mother.
My father in law heats the refrigerated dog food in the microwave too. If the dog has eaten he doesn't bother us so much when it's dinner time so I don't mind.
The pooping and peeing...well, the dog is old. If the dog goes she'll sit down and die. Period.
They took her out of her rehab, they took on the dog. Maybe they didn't realize how hard it was going to be but they went and got her.
Hopefully they love her enough to put up with her dog or they'll figure out how to have both. Maybe the vet can recommend some doggy diapers or something.
Sorry about the suffering your family has been going through. Sounds like grandma has some mental health problems, maybe dementia, so her insight is less sharp. Definitely she must be seriously depressed after the loss of her husband, knee surgery and relocation from familiar surroundings. (Her own house). Fighting the conditions of the will might give her something else to think about. If her actual monthly income is at or below poverty level, she could utilize legal aid. $20,000 would make a good deposit on an apartment - perhaps in one of those self-contained areas where shops, gym and movie theatres are located. If she has social security she could pay rent out of that. Otherwise she might live in subsidized housing. There are some very adequare places in mixed income neighborhoods, though the managements tend to be intrusive about money and do frequent inspections. Small animals would likely be allowed or, larger animals if the owner has a qualified disability. She should be able to get her husband's social security, which might be higher than her own. She may also be eligible for disability benefits and physical therapy. She should not be spending a lot of time in bed, it thins the bones, contributes to kidney stones, causes muscle loss, contributes to thrombosis and pneumonia. Here are two agencies that list multiple helping agencies: 211.org (seek by zip code) and benefit.gov
