In need of some advice. My 10 year old daughter was at a 'mixed-gender" slumber party last night (yes, that's a whole other issue, but anyway, I was there chaperoning) and she "pantsed" a boy who was one of the other guests. I and the other mom did not actually see the pantsing but came over when we saw the boy crying. My daughter was horrified at what she did, cried, and apologized repeatedly. She and another girl told me that a 3rd girl (who frequently teases and bullies others--I have witnessed this myself) started the idea to "pants" the two boys that were there. About 4 girls were jokingly trying to do it but not actually doing it. When it was her turn she pulled too hard. She said she didn't really think his pants would fall down and had no idea that his undies might. She has never bullied or been mean to anyone before (in fact, she tends to defend others).
As of this morning he had apparently forgiven her and gotten over it, and she and I have had a long talk about not doing things if there's even a CHANCE it might end up hurting or embarrassing others. One of her problems is her attention deficit disorder--she sometimes doesn't catch social cues or carefully evaluate her situation. The other is that she's an only--so she has very little experience roughousing and teasing other kids. She's also a bit clumsy and large for her age, so her motor control really isn't the best.
My real question is--should I contact the mother and tell her what happened and why (the other mom, the hostess, did not)? I don't want his parents to think my daughter did such a thing to their son intentionally. But part of me worries that it will humiliate him more. What if he didn't even tell them? He was so embarrassed :( I don't have any boys (obviously) and have no idea if he might have tried to keep it to himself. Really not sure what the best thing to do is. Help!
I'm not sure the site will let me edit this afterwards, but just wanted to respond and thank all of you for posting. You have all been so helpful and I appreciate it. Your responses really helped me put things in perspective. I did try to call the mom but got no answer, and they don't have voicemail. I will keep trying though. You have all been really helpful and supportive.
Christy Lee nailed it. My arms are full of flowers, lady. :)
By the way, I'm the mom of an 8 year old 'only' with ADD 'panster'. The teacher and other parent and I were all on the same page, and Kiddo was in BIG trouble. Exposing someone against their will is wrong, period.
Call the mom and let her know what happened. But don't use your daughter's diagnosis as an excuse. The kids were being silly and chose to do a dumb thing. That has nothing to do with her ADHD. She made a poor choice and needs to own it.
Please don't think I'm picking on you or your daughter. I have two boys, one with ADHD, one with ADD. I have ADHD. I understand exactly what it's like to be raising an impulsive child. But I also think that personal responsibility is important. We can't allow them to make excuses, which means we can't be making excuses for them. Impulsivity has to be reined in...and situations like this are opportunities for growing our kids and helping them to do a better job at thinking through what to do first instead of just acting.
Best to you.
The best thing to do is generally what you would want to have happen if you put yourself in their shoes.
If your daughter came home from a slumber party and had her pants pulled down in front a room full of girls AND boys ... wouldn't you want a call? An explanation and apology? I would. Ten years old ... they're still pretty young and as a mom, just in case my child was embarrassed and didn't tell me, I'd want to know.
But be prepared. I'd also want to know how this happened with 2 chaperones there. Not blaming you (I know kids get up to stuff really quickly and as you say, this was meant innocently enough) but still ... she may have questions.
I'd leave out all the excuses. The fact that she doesn't have siblings or may be large and clumsy ... I don't think that factors into this (well, it wouldn't wash with me if I was the other parent.)
Just call, explain and apologize. I can't see how that would hurt at all - whereas not calling might.
If the kid laughed it off and the parents are fine - still no harm done in calling.
Good luck :)
I think you and your DD need some discussions about peer pressure and doing what is right even if it's not popular. I would have her apologize to the child she pantsed, as that was wrong of her. I think that at 10, the kids can apologize to each other. If you feel a follow up is necessary, then you can talk to the parents but I think she understands that it wasn't right.
However, I would also take this as a sign that coed sleepovers with "supervision" are not a good idea and I would be very leery of allowing my DD to attend any sleepover, especially with these girls. It doesn't matter if she's clumsy, large, green, purple, has 10 siblings - 10 yrs old is old enough to understand that pulling someone's pants down is not OK. She DID intend to pull his pants down, even if she did not intend to pull his underwear. I would make no excuses for that.
If he's moved on, then let it go.
I would call and I would want a call.
Life is a real good teacher. I hope your daughter has learned plenty of valuable lessons from this experience and I hope when her character is tested again, she proves herself a much better friend.
put yourself in the other mother's shoes. if another kid did this to your daughter and she was so upset she was crying, would you want to be informed?
i would.
that being said, i wouldn't over-react. it was absolutely a Mean Girl thing, but kids behave differently when they're in wolfpacks. it sounds as if your daughter absolutely gets that it was mean, and feels genuinely remorseful. so good for you, and also good for the little fellow who has processed his hurt and embarrassment and moved on.
i do think you're trying to wiggle out of it to a degree by your phrasing of intentionality. your daughter did NOT do this by accident. it was thoroughly intentional. do not deceive yourself.
if i were in your shoes, the conversation would go something like 'annabelle, an incident occurred at the party, and my daisy feels very badly about it. she has already apologized sincerely to beaumont, and we need to let you know what happened. the girls egged each other on to 'pants' the boys, and daisy was the one who actually followed through with it. beaumont was very upset, but has been gracious enough to accept her apology. i'm so sorry this happened.'
and let her process it. she'll probably be pretty upset initially (and naturally) so stand strong and let her vent at you if she needs to. hopefully she'll talk with her son, end up appreciative that you were forthright with her, and perhaps need to hear an apology from your daughter in person. let her have it.
of course if she wants fire and brimstone retribution you need to calmly deflect it, but i'm troubled at your passing off the blame onto the 3rd-girl 'bully' and downplaying your daughter's actions.
ETA we had mixed gender sleepovers, and both my boys attended mixed gender sleepovers. i have zero problem with that. as long as there's appropriate supervision, i think it's healthy for kids to learn to relate to each other courteously, period.
khairete
S.
Call. When our son's ADHD meds weren't working as well years ago and his impulse control was off, he pushed one of his friends hard into a wall at school (bad enough he was sent home). I called the mom right away and told her how embarrassed and sorry I was, and that we were going to do everything we could to make sure nothing remotely like that ever happened again. She was great about it, but really appreciated the call. I also had our son write an apology note to the friend.
I have to say I have never heard of a mixed gender slumber party. Bad idea right from the start.
And as far as calling goes - only call if you plan to tell these parents how sorry you are that this happened and that you have spoken to your daughter to correct her behavior and not offer any excuses for what she did. I would just tell them that you have told your daughter that what she did was wrong and that she is sorry for what she did as you are as well.
I would call. As you know, just because you forgive someone for something doesn't mean you have forgotten what happened. The 10 year old boy was upset enough to cry in front of his peers - it WAS a big deal to him. It may affect his desire to go to any other sleepovers or to be around girls. The mom should know.
And I agree with AV - your daughter did this intentionally. She may not have meant for the pants and underwear to come down, but she intentionally pulled on them - that was not an accident. I would not let her off the hook by categorizing it as "unintentional."
I also agree that 10 years old is too old for a co-ed sleepover. Obviously things happen that chaperones don't catch until it's too late. IMHO, inviting the boys for the party part is fine, but they need to be picked up when it gets late and not allowed to spend the night.
I agree with what Christy Lee said about not excusing her behavior, and I love Suz T.'s suggested language for dealing with the mom. I would add in that your daughter has been punished, not just that she apologized. I further agree with Suz that you are perhaps a little too inclined to blame another girl for the bullying and to defend your daughter for being the inclusive one. Face facts - most kids do bullying or hurtful things at one point or another, so you MUST stand up to that the first time, as well as the second time, and not say "Oh, this isn't my child." This has nothing to do with her being a single child (that's blaming yourself for not having other kids for her to rough house with), or her ADD (that's not why a kid pulls down another kid's pants), or her physical size/clumsiness (she was obviously quite adept at doing this, not clumsy in the least).
All kids talk about this prank stuff all the time, and this is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to your child about what happens when kids get in a group and spur each other on - "mob mentality" isn't just what happens with adults on the streets of the 'hood, you know! And talk about privacy and private parts - areas covered by a bathing suit are the other person's alone. And bodies in general have boundaries - people don't always want to be touched.
Talk to her as well as defining what's "funny" - if she or another child think it's "funny" to pull down pants or dye hair when someone's asleep or push someone into the pool or text/sext, what makes it funny? Are you laughing at someone else's embarrassment or pain? The definition of "funny" is when EVERYONE is appreciating the joke equally. It's hardly ever, maybe NEVER, when someone is having something done TO them.
Predicting consequences is a function of brain development - it is that part of the brain that fully develops around age 25. That applies to kids with lots of siblings and kids without a diagnosed condition. They ALL need this help from their parents. So you have a lot of years ahead of you, helping your child deal with learning to predict outcomes. Sometimes kids learn that "I'll get in so much trouble if I do X" much earlier than they learn "Gee, that would be cruel to do." Your job is to impart consequences and guidelines right now, and make sure you aren't excusing behavior because you don't see it in context without other siblings around your child.
You have recognized that what your daughter did is unacceptable, and you are contemplating talking to the other mom. I think you're on the right track. I don't think it's the job of the hostess, unless you don't take care of it yourself. Do the right thing and both you and your daughter will ultimately feel better.
Your daughter has apologized to the kid and feels remorseful, the kid has forgiven her, and no lasting harm was done.
Sounds like the kids have already let it go, so I see no need for you to revisit it with the other kid's mom.
As a mom of an almost 10 year old boy, I'd want to know, and I would also understand that it was an accident. I'd want the chance to at least keep an eye out for any lasting trouble with my son or I'd discuss it and see how he is feeling. Keep in mind this poor child has to face these kids in school soon probably and that can't be easy after baring all to a group of mean girls.
I think you should call and I would want a call if it happened to my child. My 10 year old would not be attending a mixed-gender slumber party either. A party where the boy stay until 10 and then go home? Sure, but not overnight.
And please don't use her diagnosis or the fact that she is "clumsy and large" as excuses. She did something that was wrong and it needs to be addressed as such.
I would make sure to let them mom know that daughter had been bullied in to this, if she was in fact afraid to not do it. Getting carried away in the moment...well, they're kids and I bet she'll never do this again.
I hope this lesson they learned at this sleep over is something they'll continue to remember for a very long time. Regardless of them having mixed or one gender they crossed a line, a great big black line marked DO NOT CROSS> so your daughter learned empathy, regret, fear of consequences for her actions, she learned a great deal from this experience.
I hope you got to sit down with her and explore how she felt, how she thinks he felt, how did the others change because of this? Did they feel like she made a good choice? Did they think she should have done it, if she should have stood up for the boy but instead she hurt him? Etc...getting her to live in that moment and see the macro picture can help her develop so many thinking skills.
I feel sorry for these boys. I'm sure both of their moms would love to hear from the parents and even the girls for all they put them through that night.
