My 11 Heard Me Having Sex How Do I Respond?

'honey, sometimes when adults love each other very much, they make love with each other. it's a grown up thing. and yeah, sometimes we sound funny when we do it! but it's because it feels good, nothing bad is happening.'
don't over-react.
khairete
S.

ETA: BF, fiancé, husband...whatever.
Look, when there is a child in the house we simply HAVE to put certain things on the priority list. Most if us here have previously or are cohabitating with a husband, a fiancé, a BF....It doesn't mean we don't set an internal "switch" for "there are kid/s on the house" " there are kid/s a few steps away when I'm having sex" "not on the coffee table, what if a kid walks down the stairs".... It's just about adult responsibilities and decorum.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Tell her when she's a single mom to set a good example by educating her kids about sex and not having a live in BF.

Stuff a sock in your mouth, learn to tone it down, or stop having sex when she's in the house.

I can speak from first hand experience that it is INCREDIBLY awkward to have to listen to your mom screwing some guy... Even if it is the live in boyfriend.

At 11, I REALLY hope she already knows about sex. If not, you need to get on that. I highly doubt that she actually thought he was hurting you- chances are she was fed up with the noise and that was the least awkward excuse she could come up with for interrupting you.

Seriously though... If she is mistaking your sex sounds as *screams* and cries for help, you have some serious issues going on... If you are old enough to have an 11 year old daughter, then I would certainly think you are old enough to practice discretion and understand that SCREAMING out during sex is inappropriate with a child in the house.

Smh. As for what to say, you apologize for disturbing her, and tell her that you were having sex and got too excited. Then don't ever put her in that situation again.

ETA: I don't care what the relationship is, you practice discretion during sex when there are children in the house. My husband and I are able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship WITHOUT disturbing others in the house. I certainly don't have any judgements about sex with live-in boyfriends... I was doing the same thing when my husband was my boyfriend, and my brothers (ages 19 and 3) were staying at my house, and were able to be discreet. Married, We either keep the noise down, or go somewhere the noise won't carry to our child... I'm sure she does hear the stray moan or two, but certainly nothing to the point that it would cause her to come to my room in tears fearing for my safety. When she's out of the house- game on and we can get as rambunctious as we want. But when she's home we make a point of trying not to traumatize her.

Ditto Marie C. Kids shouldn't have to hear this stuff.

I used to have a studio unit next to another woman who was a server-- I would often wake up at 4 a.m. to hear she and her boyfriend going at it. A couple times I wasn't sure if she was okay or being hurt and it made things very uncomfortable...and I was an adult woman in my thirties who understood sex and could emotionally 'handle it'. Discretion is a must around our kids. Apologize to her, tell her that you were okay and that you will never put her in that position again. Poor kid. That must have been scary for her.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Your 11 year old SHOULD know about the birds and the bees by now.

I'm sorry - but I would NOT have a boyfriend living with me with an 11 year old child - girl or boy. I personally think it's wrong and sets the wrong example for my child. I realize you say you ARE going to get married - but you are NOT yet. Are you even engaged? I doubt it as you refer to him as your boyfriend. So your daughter is at an age where she's going to start being interested in boys and think that sex is the way to keep him around....might be something for you to think about...and she will be mirroring you...she will be - no, in fact, she IS watching EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE...EVERY THING YOU DO??? She is WATCHING YOU...

If you want me to be honest with you? The example you are setting is NOT one I would want for a blossoming 11 year old.

If you are having loud sex? Then I would suggest you wait to have sex when your daughter is not home. I know how embarrassing it was for my boys to catch my husband and I at it one day a few years ago...our bed was banging against the wall (we thought they were at the pool...oops!!) No child should HEAR their parents (and what's worse? He's NOT even her dad or married to you) having sex...that's my opinion.

We explained that OUR SEX is fun for us. It's a way for us to connect and express our love to each other.

Since your sex seems to be a tad bit more vigorous than most? You need to explain to her that everyone's sex lives are different. You can use words that might fit for her - you were playing silly adult games...but eventually - she will KNOW you were having sex.

Call me old fashioned - If he was a "wonderful man"??? He would make you his wife.

I don't think the harshness has anything to do with boyfriend vs. Husband. I think it has to do with the lack of discretion and self control. You have a child in your house so you have to learn to control yourself. If you can't , don't have sex with her in the house. Apologize to her, reassure her that boyfriend wasn't and will never hurt mommy and then don't let it happen again.

What can I say. These ladies speak the truth. She's watching every move you make and learning from it all… good and bad. Hope you're setting the example you want her to follow.

I'd say it's time for the "when 2 people love each other ......and that is how babies are born talk"(if you have not already had it. Stuff a towel under your door...try to keep a little more quiet. But other than that the realization that it was sex and not fighting should be of a lot of comfort to her.

And shame on the people shaming you. If I had to wait for my his daughter to be out of the house for sex I'd be a nun. Lol

Ditto with Marie C. She probably knew what you were doing and that was the best way she could come up with to approach you. What an awful situation to put her in. I was in the same situation as a kid and it was miserable. I thought about calling my dad to come pick me up but I didn't want to humiliate my mother. Funny that I, the child, was the one considering the parent's welfare and not the other way around. So, instead, I would lie in bed awake for hours when I should have been sleeping, wishing I could hurrying up and turn 18 and go to college... oh, and developing a very unhealthy opinion of sex.

Sounds like it is time to have the talk, including the fact that sometimes when adults have sex they make noise. But in the future you need to try to keep the noise down if the kids are home, as hard as it may be sometimes ;)

Tell her the truth. Tell her that you and your boyfriend were making love. Let her ask you as many questions as she wants, and answer every one of them honestly. She deserves to know the truth, and she isn't too young to understand.

If this isn't a troll:

Tell her about sex if you haven't already, and next time keep it down.

Be calm, be cool, this is all healthy and natural. Please DO explain to her soon, she'll make up all kinds of stories in her head. I was not going to respond until I saw some one here say she was too young for you to explain that it was sex. Please do NOT listen to that advice. My daughter has a 12 year old classmate who is pregnant. I have met others as young as 11. One terrified 12 year old did not know how she got pregnant since what she did was not sex. She did not know what it was she was doing.... They're never too young to open the discussion, and reasonable questions should always be answered matter of factly. And if this person is part of your life and your daughter now thinks he has hurt you that must be addressed immediately. Take her out for ice cream (just the two of you and ask her questions, listen to what she already knows - or thinks she does - and help her out.

Great - your sex life is terrorizing you child.
I can tell you're making some great choices here.
Tell her you're fine and there's nothing to worry about and when she shacks up with a live in boyfriend you won't interrupt when she makes some noises of her own.

What shaming?
You're perfectly happy and unashamed with your living arrangement.
If it's good enough for you then of course it's good enough for your daughter.
And a lot of people use the 'fiance' title when they go for decades without so much as a visit to a justice of the peace.
If there's no shame then what's the problem with explaining loud sex to your child?

Explain to her about making love and that the noises she heard were sounds you made because it felt good. Tell her you and your boyfriend love each other very much and he would never hurt you. Apologize to her and talk about how adults make love at times and it is a way to feel close to each other and that she will understand when she is older. Tell her again you are sorry she was frightened. Then change the subject and the three of you go out and do something fun together! Go take her to a carnival or go carts or mini gold or something today and give that child a happy time with you and your boyfriend. And from now on try to be more quiet - for her sake! A fan or white noise machine in her room might help. Lock your door. Just keep it down in general! Let it all loose when she's having a sleepover, I guess. Good luck.

Well, by this age she SHOULD know what sex is.
While it is always hard as a parent AND a child to talk about sex, I would probably say something like, "Bob and I were being intimate with each other. We love each other and thought you were asleep. I am sorry you heard us, but rest assured the sounds you heard were GOOD sounds honey!"
If she has any other questions you answer them honestly...not graphicly though!
L.
(I think it's great that you have such a loving man in you and your daughters life....but I can also see why moms would say "put a ring on it!")

I would hope at age 11 she knows what sex is, understands a lot about her body, what changes she will be going through as she gets older and more.

If you haven't communicated with her in the past, I am so sorry for her because you are allowing her to get her sex ed from her peers which can be pretty SCARY. Wouldn't you want her to hear facts from you instead? She is 11... YOU are 9 months away from being a grandmother.

Remember... YOU are setting an example for the daughter you are raising and how she will interpret normal and not with relationships and sex. Whatever your commitment is with BF, he is a BF and you appear to be very defensive about that with your comments.

She needs to know that sex is normal but she should not be subjecting to hearing it. No one wants to picture mom having sex.

Your child should be your priority in your life before any BF and your sex life.

I'm sorry you've received such harsh and rude responses. Apparently, most of these women have never moaned loudly or made a loud noise during sex - it sounds like they have 'put socks in their mouths' as one rude post stated.

My goodness gracious people, she had sex and her kid heard it. It's not the end of the world!

I guarantee you, many of the nay sayers have been loud enough for a child to hear at one point in time or another. I also guarantee that their child(ren) heard them - the children just didn't say anything b/c most of the time they won't! They should be ashamed for throwing such stones!

Sounds like you have a good, healthy physical relationship with your partner. Congrats! Maybe those other women are just jealous :)

I just finished reading the book "It's So Amazing..." with my 9 year old son who was learning all kinds of wild myths about sex and babies at camp, so my husband and I decided to go ahead and teach him the truth about the birds and the bees. We told him that this is something parents should teach their kids and he does not need to teach others, but he can correct kids who think "babies are made when people kiss" by letting them know this is not the case. The book is very child friendly and accurate. Here is the Amazon link if you are interested:
http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/...

I think every child is different, but this might be a good opportunity to go over some of the basics with her. If you don't, someone else likely will. Then you can explain to her that you and your BF were doing something "natural" that people can choose to do and it was not due to pain that you were making sounds. Good luck! (The only response I had from my son was "I don't HAVE to ever do that, do I???" LOL)

Just tell her that Mommy and Bob were having sex. It's one of the ways grownups show their love for one another.

Just tell her the truth. If you haven't had "the talk" with her yet than this is the perfect time for that! She should be having the class session where all the boys in her grade go into one classroom and all the girls go into the other and they discuss this with their teachers, and I think it would be better for her to hear it from you first.

On a side note, does she have issues with you fiance? I am thinking that she might have though he was hurting you if she already doesn't like/trust him. This man is going to be her stepfather and those issue do need to be worked out (totally normal to not like the "new guy") maybe with some premarital family counseling through the church you will marry in? Most places require some type of premarital counseling, and I am sure it would be great to bring her as well!

Oh . . . and keep it down next time!

M., I'd sorry you have judgmental posts here. In their defense, I would say that you didn't tell us that he's who are you marrying until you had gotten negative remarks. I would think that they are afraid that you're sleeping around.

I think your daughter is too young to be explaining that you were having sex. Instead, I think you should tell her that you two were playing an adult game and enjoying the game. I would hug her and tell her that she is sweet to be worried, but "John" would never hurt you and you would never hurt him.

I feel really bad for the mom who listened to her mom having sex with someone who wasn't her dad and it negatively affected her. It seems to me that there was not a good relationship between her and the man her mother was with.

If there is love between your daughter and this man, it should help a lot. Both you and him should spend extra time with her. And as hard as it might be, do try to keep the noise DOWN when you're having sex.

When she is in the middle of sixth grade is the best time to really talk about sex in more of an adult way. You've surely explained some of the birds and bees to her. More than anything, you explain that when two adults love each other, and have made a commitment to each other, then sex is a beautiful thing. But not until you are an adult...

I hope that this guy will marry you soon. It is easier to explain sleeping with a man in your home when he is your husband. It helps children feel more secure.

She does not need to know that you were having sex. This doesn't eman that you shouldn't talk to her about sex and teach her what you want her to know about it. It just means that she does not need to know that that is what was going on in your bedrom that night.

Tell her that you were playing and being affectionate, and apologize for disturbing her. Then, let her sometimes see you being affectionate and playful outside of the bedroom.