My 11 Yr Old Is Struggling with Peer and School Issues

It sounds like he needs to have a para, one on one or an aide at school to help keep him focused on what he needs to do and to make good choices. He is going through a lot of change right now. Just being in middle school is a big issue. He has a new baby in the house, he has his bi-polar issues and he is becoming a teenager with all of the hormones associated with that. I would make a trip to the Dr. and see if he is on the correct dosages of his meds. When they grow so fast, they outgrow their dosages. If he's not seeing a counselor, I would get him started with one right away. As far as discipline issues, be consistant with whatever you do.

D.,

It sounds like you are doing everything you can for your son. You are taking an active interest in his well being physically, mentally and spiritually. You are working with the School and Listening to him with his request for a new counselor. You are also continuing to search for ways to help him. Great Job!

I am also the mother of an 11 year old. I guess he would be labeled as "average". He is in 6th grade, basically a good kid, but I have noticed many changes this year. My son has become more determined in questioning our decisions and requests. He attempts to manipulate his brothers into doing things for him and he wants to debate every issue. He is aware of the rules in our house and we have been forced to step up how we deal with discipline because he is 11 and does know those rules, yet often doesn't think before he acts. So he spends a lot of time without access to the playstation, computer, DS etc. Or friends houses. We take away the most important item to him and the time of the disipline so that it is effective. He feels this is harsh and his other friends parents don't do these things. However I point out that they don't live in our house and I point out my reasoning. We also discuss "responsibility" and why it is important to do the things asked of him. He always "gets it", he rarely likes it!

I think some of it is testing boundries. Also he has been exposed to older kids in Middle School and he is seeing what they are allowed to do.

I do however allow him to work off his punishments. If he has been better behaved and wants a privlege back he can negotiate for it by offering to can clean up around the house, throw in a load of jeans or cook dinner. He learned how to make tuna and hamburger helper this past summer. So if I feel things have gotten out of control I offer a trade off. If you feel you have been too harsh, you may be able to find something that you are comfortable with that your son could help you with, maybe vacuuming or playing with the baby for 15 minutes to give you a break.

It sounds like you are a great Mom! Stressed, but doing a wonderful job in a difficult situation. Modern Life, Pre-teens and Post-Partum are never easy by them selves, yet you are dealing with that and so much more!

Does the school have counseling available? If so, I would reach out to the school and challenge them to help your son. Perhaps he's not in the best learning environment for his type of learning.

I would also talk to a psychologist/counselor outside of the school. Your son needs someone who understands what he's going through and who can offer some good advice, coping skills and even some support in learning. Bipolar is a serious disorder which should always be followed by a psychologist/counselor. This will set him up for successful management of this disorder in the future.

D.,
First of all, I want to commend you for being transparent and honest about your own struggles in dealing with your son. I imagine that your feeling "emotional" is not just about a new baby, but also the fact that you aren't getting the rest you need and perhaps anticipating more stress as you prepare to go back to work. There is a lot of information that you didn't share that might be helpful to know in giving advice, such as how long your son has suffered from this problem, etc. But, here are some things I would highly recommend.

1. Buy the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is written from a Christian perspective but would be extremely helpful for anyone. This book was a life-saver for me when I was struggling with a lot of anger and rage issues. Unfortunately I didn't get a hold of it until my kids were half-way raised; but practicing the principles in this book has made a significant difference in my life and helped me go off anti-depressants. These principles might also help your son too.

2. Provide STRUCTURE for your son. Although it is hard to not first meet the needs of a colic child, it is important that somebody, either you or your husband takes on the role of being your child's tutor and partner in his education. 11 years old is still very young, and some children need more time to grow up. If neither one of you can take this on, I would hire a high school student or somebody who can daily meet with your child and come alongside him, providing homework support and friendship. Perhaps a grandparent or senior citizen can do the same.

Another thing that I would do for my students, when I taught school, is I would have a homework check list that the student filled out every day, I checked to make sure the correct information was there, and then the parents signed that night when each task was completed. I would do this every day for students who repeatedly had difficulty remembering homework. It is OK to have these checklists for children. Many adults need them, why not kids?

3. Having taught in the public school setting for nine years, before staying home with my kids, I know that peers can be unforgiving; and, unfortunately, teachers aren't always that much better. Once a child gets "labeled" as a trouble maker it is often very difficult for them to break out of that mode. Therefore, if it is at all possible to change the school environment into a more loving/stable environment, I would highly recommend it. The obvious option would be to seek out a private school that offers a welcoming loving environment, but you might also find a homeschooling family who is willing to take on an extra student. You can check out home schooling networks through the internet.

4. DON'T GO IT ALONE! You and your husband will need other families to love and care for your son, and your colicky daughter. If you don't already have them, seek out other families with children your son's age and build relationships with them. I find that children who are connected with other children in a family setting are going to have stronger friendships than those people they know outside of the family unit. We have been working on this area ourselves, particularly in finding a church that has a strong youth group, but is small enough that we can get to know the families of the kids in the youth group. We feel our whole family thrives when we know each other's friends.

5. PRAY. All of our kids have various challenges that sends me to my knees more times than I can count. I know I need the strength, power, and wisdom of my Heavenly Father to help me love them beyond myself.

God Bless!
D. - stay-at-home mom of two boys, 16 and 13, and one daughter, 9.

Hi,
My first suggestion would be to ask either the school psychologist or the place you're taking him outside of school, for a full psych evaluation. There are many disorders that cause his symptoms. The child is only 11 and if he's been seeing a therapist since 1st grade, obviously there is something going on. The school needs to step up also because even a gifted child can have a learning disability. Is he on meds for the bipolar disorder? Depression can have many signs in kids that are different than what we look for in adults. I speak from experience. I have a 9 yr. old son who I struggled with for years to get a correct diagnosis on and he was finally diagnosed as mildly autistic at age 7, he also has ADHD. I know ADHD is possibly over diagnosed, however, when we take him off his Strattera and Risperdal, his anger issues, peer interactions and high energy symptoms get WAY worse. I also have a 17 yr. old daughter who has dealt with depression since she was about 10 or 11. Please hang in there, follow your instincts and don't worry about what the relatives think. You know your son better than anyone else and you are his best advocate.

It may be helpful to get into family therapy or group sessions. Also, there are chat groups online that can offer support from those who have been thru it.

Has he been tested for ADHD or food allergies? My son started having problems that I noticed in 1st grade he was not tested or placed on medication until 2nd grade,he is in 4th grade and doing much better on Concerta,He was tested using a Conners scale, we also noticed that certain foods such as peanut butter,chocolate,anything with High Fructose corn syrup and caffeine made him much worse, so those things were taken out of equation.We are planning to have him allergy tested soon ,I have seen ,read and heard that food allergies can give same symptoms, we struggled with anger,severe mood swings,inability to complete any task including sitting down for a meal, not being able to go to sleep at night then not being able to get up in morning with out major melt downs over very slight things,He literally could not stay seated except for cartoons .Things are much more controlled now and the only time we have issues as bad is if he sneeks one of the foods or drinks (we do not keep in the house)he gets from school or friends houses,or we forget to give meds before leaving house .I too have had problems with the people who are supposed to provide help at school because he is smart and making A/B average they do not feel the need to help and I have requested them to evaluate and make a plan such as allowing more time or quiet place for testing and I do not get any help. He is only doing this well because I pushed to have him tested and placed on meds early and when we forget (which is rarely) They only get a glimpse of what we go thru daily. It is very hard to know where to draw the line on dicipline,there are books out there for "Dummies"covering these different medical topics as well which give you a good insight to what he is going thru , it is heartbreaking as a MOM to not be able to completely fix it,but help is out there hang in there.
Hope this helps.