My 12 Year Old Son, Bad Friends and Pot

I honestly felt like you jumped the gun. I also think that if you continually keep your son in a bubble, and switch schools every time you feel threatened, or think he is going to do something bad, he will never learn to handle things on his own.

I'm all for cautioning and advising your child to steer clear of the " bad kids" at school. However, I find it extremely inappropriate to go through another child's privacy, such as his backpack. Without his permission. I really don't care if he had pot on him, it was extreme. I am sure that that really helps your son make friends at his school. Things like this spread rapidly from kid to kid. It will isolate him even further.

I also think drug testing him every week is ridiculous. How are you going to keep his trust, and have him trust you if all you are doing is accusing him of smoking pot, and testing him every week. Regardless of if he is doing it or not. Does he feel pressure?

Any child who is not comfortable with himself, or he does not know his own values,expectations, and is impulsive will have these kinds of things to deal with. Finding friends, can be very difficult. It is often the case that when new kids go to a new school, and if they aren't comfortable, they will gravitate towards the kids who take interest in them first.

Did you meet with this kids parents? Did you establish a relationship with them. Did you express concern of finding pot in their child's backpack. Did you explain to this kid that you are not comfortable with his choices, and that if he wanted to come over, he will not bring his pot with him?

I have worked with many teenagers and adults with addiction and mental health issues, so I know the case when things get out of hand, and the decisions they make contribute to their decline. However, cautioning, and being proactive is a lot different then prohibiting, and rejecting. Since you rejected this child, your son is now being secretive, and hiding his feelings and friendships with others.

In order to establish trust, you need to be open minded, as well as have an open and honest relationship with your child. You would make sure that this kids' parents were aware of what was going on, and that you don't appreciate having him smoke pot around your son. That if they wanted to hang out, he cannot smoke pot as it makes you and your son uncomfortable. It is always more important to be direct with your feelings to your son and to whomever is around him. Also, by not rejecting this kid, you are letting him know that you accept him, but do not agree with his choices. Letting them know directly, they will appreciate and respect you more.

Have you talked to your son about his feelings, and what his choices would be, and if he wanted to smoke pot?

I would let him know your feelings on the matter, tell him how scared you are about having him get into something like pot, and tell him that you trust him , but are having a hard time with him hanging out with others who make those kinds of choices. Ask him if he can be trusted. If he has smoked pot, let him know that you are scared of that too. Let him attempt to make his own choices, and feel that he has a say in his feelings and decisions.

Keep him focused on his strengths, and keep him interested in the things he enjoys. Let him learn to make choices, and learn from those choices. If he doesn't he will just know that every time something " bad" happens , you make it for him.

Move him out of that school and away from those "friends"!

Wow, Great answers from Rae and Theresa.

When you have a child that has ADHD or any other neurological disorder that can interfere with their learning, it's a good idea to initiate getting services with the school. With ADHD/ADD you should contact the school psychologist and request for the school to do an evaluation. Your son is entitled to a 504 Plan. Even absent of that, he should have a behavior plan. The 504 Plan would then be tailored off of the evaluation based on his strengths and weaknesses, bolstered by the evaluation that your own specialist did.

If he already has a 504 Plan or an IEP, then you ought to know that you don't choose your child's education based on the school. You can't tailor a school to fit a child. You tailor the 504 or the IEP for the school the child attends AND FOR THE CHILD. That means you don't choose the school arbitrarily. You choose the education plan. The size of the school shouldn't matter if the child has services and is getting outside treatment.

Edited to add: By the way, I thought I could go without mentioning testing your son for drugs when you're relatively certain that he's not doing drugs. Is there any better way to tell your child that you don't trust him and shove him toward drugs in a self-fulfilling prophecy?

How about you TALK to your son about the dangers of drug use and your expectations of him? It's proven that parents who are involved and have open communication about drugs and their expectations about drug use (or rather abstaining) that those children are far, far less likely to use drugs because guess what? Parental opinion means more to them than their friends. But only if you have open and honest discussions rather than being sneaky.

At 12 years old, why are you shocked that your son isn't telling you absolutely everything? He's TWELVE. He needs some privacy to thrive. Do you honestly expect him to have all of his phone calls in front of you? What's wrong with him taking a call in his room? Privacy doesn't mean you can't talk to him and sure as hell doesn't mean you need to start drug testing him.

Loosen your grip, or he's going to rebel. Especially considering that he has ADD/ADHD. It's always paired with something else, like ODD or another neurological disorder.

You are doing the right thing. Your son should never be over at that child's house and he should never be at yours. You need to go talk to the school and rat that kid and his druggie mother out. You should also call social services and the police.

This kid will end up pushing drugs to other children. You cannot let that go, V.. You must report this.

Because your son is young and has special needs, you cannot give him a lot of leeway yet. It isn't time. You stick to your guns. Even if you have to take the cell phone away, you stick to your guns.

Dawn

School should not be the only or main service for his ADHD/ADD. I have no idea why the school is the fall-out or catch-all for so many woes. Use your medical insurance to get him help. Put him into camps, church groups and make more family time. I agree, the boy would NEVER be allowed back to my home and my son would not go to his. Go to the school and demand that they have seperate classes and if possible seperate lunch periods.

He has ADHD, he will easily fall in with the "wrong sort" due to his inability to focus and grow bored quickly with the mundane. Do you have any services being provided to him through the school. Is he involved in positive things, such as sports to keep him busy and away from the "wrong sort"?
There are wrong sorts everywhere, so YOU have to keep him busy. Beware of the demands you make of him, as he may never tell you anything again. Jessica from Windsor has some very great and valuable info. You may have to change his school and start from scratch, pending the services that best suit him and at this time it would benefit the "friend" issue. My Godson has aspbergers and his mom initially put him in Catholic School, thinking his disorder would not matter much. She quickly learned, the hard way, that this was not to be. She had to place him in another school, public, in order to receive services that he needed and fit his requirements. Also, beware of the pot issue, as this may present, something that he may like pending the effect it has on him. Mellow him out or hype him up more and add paranoia. Can't you just talk to him and explain the do's and don't's of drugs. Perhaps get a teacher involved or guidance counselor to mentor him? Be careful and good luck.

Does the school know your son's friend had pot in his backpack? Do you think the kid's parents know? OR, do you think the kid might be bragging to your kid? Either way, I would approach the school authorities and ask for a meeting with the kids parents.

You may need to take your son out of this school that is 12 miles away and the other hand, you may be able to resolve the issue.

I would restrict the cell phone usage (i.e. when he gets home, for the meantime, the cell phone gets turned in to mom and dad). You can check his call activity. Same goes for the computer email, facebook, etc.

Foster his friendships away from school. You have been clear about your expectations. That's good. Be clear about consequences, and that is where you will have to be tough.

Did you talk to the parents about the pot in their sons backpack? I hope so, and I think you should speak to the principal at your school as well. Put everyone on guard. Your son may be a good kid, but you can't trust a teenager. They can't trust themselves! He needs your guidance. You sound like you can handle the job. Go Girl!

I can still tell my 13 year old where he can go and who he can hang with. So can you. Pot and boys like Johnnie will always be lurking around. Sports and family activities should keep your son very busy as not to hang with Johnnie.
I am strict with my son...he recently started hanging with a boy who lives in a part of town I do not allow my son. The boy was in my car and asked me why my son cannot come to his house. My answer to him was" because I said so". I do not need to explain every decision I make to other children. This boy swore in the first 2 minutes of being in the car. I stopped the car and told him not to talk like that in front of me again or he would be dropped off. He got that I was a mom that meant business.
This boy is into sports, after school activities but not much of a family life. I believe family life and spending time with mom and dad are so important.
You have the power to say your not hanging with this child again. Period. I have done it before. No calls from him or you calling him, he can find other people to hang with. Make sure your son is busy with sports and family. He sounds like a great kid.
As far as getting him drug tested. If YOU think he is smoking. Do it. If not , let him know your watching him.