My 15 Year Old "Step Daughter" Is Pregnant...

Here's a piece to think about:

Colleges like homeschoolers, and WA is a REALLY easy state to homeschool in. ALL you have to do send a "letter of intent" (here's the link to it http://www.washhomeschool.org/homeschooling/Declaration.pdf) and mail it in 15 days before the beginning of the quarter, and take a test once a year. Not as easy as Tx, but we're a really easy state, overall.

To make things even easier.. this is NOT what we use as homeschoolers, but it's a very good program that your SSD can do completely on her own without any help from dad whatsoever http://www.k12.com/wava/ that's the link to the free curriculum through the state. Of course, you are under NO obligation to use this curriculum (as I said, we don't) but it's an easy thing to try out in the interim while y'all figure things out. ALSO you should know that all highschool students (public, private, or homeschool) can take FREE classes at the community colleges until they turn 18. It's called "Running Start".

So even though your SSD has decided to quit going to her highschool... it doesn't mean she has to quit her education. In fact, she may well find herself already a year or more into her college degree by the time her friends graduate from highschool if she really digs into it. But worst case scenario... she uses k12 (or designs a curriculum herself)... gets her REAL & actual diploma and is set for college at the same time, or even a year after her peers.

Once she starts community college at 18, OR transfers to a university (UW, Western, etc)... she qualifies for school subsidized childcare, special family housing, grants & loans based off of a 2 person family (subtracting whatever her EFC is from her dad and mom), and a whole host of other services.

I started college when my son was 2 months old. 2 classes per quarter. And I can't recommend it highly enough. Yes it's hard going to school with a baby... but not as hard as working full time with a baby. And I, but I was emancipated, "made" more money by going to school than I would have working full time. 4-10 hours a week of class time & studying while the baby slept. Not a super hard life. And childcare for strictly being in class is SO much easier (and less expensive) than arranging childcare for while working.

Anyhow... just a few things to consider.

Please give this baby up for adoption. It is the best thing for the baby.

Lisa

It will get a lot tougher when the baby arrives, and he will probably be a lot more exhausted and drained emotionally. Wow, she's quitting school too. I know several teen moms who still finished school or at the very least got a ged, and tehn get continued education at a community college so she can at least get certified in some type of career. School counselors can really help her with this. They have to get good jobs to support the child, and can't live with their parents forever. It sounds like she needs some serious counseling through family services, and so does her father. You should probably be there too if you are integral in this as well.

Is she just going to live at home with the baby and that's it, and rely on everyone to pay for her and the baby and take care of it? I can see why her dad is depressed.... because there isn't any sort of a game plan and he'll be a single dad and a single grandpa, and she apparently isn't taking any action to be responsible since you are the one gathering materials for her and she has decided to quit school. The more of this you all do, the more you will enable her to become reliant and dependent on you and he WILL be raising the baby. Does she understand her options of adoption at all? Has anyone spoken to her about this, or has she seen a family or guidance counselor letting her know her options? If not, this is a great place for help:
https://itsaboutlove.org

Seriously, this girls needs some tough love and discipline, like she needs to get a job and a ged and take parenting classes... or she has to stay in school and graduate, period. If you all can't toughen up now, she'll be able to pawn babysitting off on her dad anytime she wants and he'll be the one, raising it, feeding it, clothing it, paying for it, changing it's diapers, bathing it, taking it to Dr.s' appointments, disciplining it, taking it to school....

I wouldn't push him to be intimate or anything for a while. Just be supportive and encourage that family to get some counseling and for the girl to get some sense in her head.

Has he discussed adoption with his daughter? If she can spend a LOT of time around infants and really get an idea of how much work this is going to be, and how much financial responisibility this is baby will require (for the next 18 years....) maybe she would be willing to look into adoption and really focus on what is best for the BABY. This might help him feel like he is being proactive about the situation and saving two lives at the same time! As for your relationship, it's pretty much up to you how much you want to sacrifice to be with him. Were you planning on marrying him before all this? Is that still something you want to commit to? Being married is all about living in the hard places together, no matter how long a "funk" lasts, even if it is for years. Helping each other through tough stuff, and sacrificing your own wants and sometimes even feelings, knowing that someday down the road your spouse will make the same sacrifices for you. This sounds like a conversation you need to have with him, soon.

I love the suggestions Riley made. I was a running start student as a teen and loved it. College courses are taught very differently than high school classes. The education I received was empowering and exciting and I loved being treated with the respect and responsibility of an adult. I excelled in my college classes after having flunked out of several high school classes. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in High School as a pregnant teen...but college is very different.

Other resources include WIC and medical/food assistance through DSHS (Washington State offers health care services, Maternity Support Services, and Maternity Case Management for pregnant women who meet medical assistance eligibility requirements. (Teen incomes are reviewed separately from parental incomes). See http://fortress.wa.gov/dshs/maa/ (Click on Eligibility for Medical Programs).

As to your real question, it seems like you are doing A LOT to support your boyfriend and his children. I think the amount of time that a parent takes to grieve/process/cope with this situation is variable. Maybe he'll come out of it quickly, maybe it will take longer. In the meantime, he is lucky to have you supporting him and I sure it helps him to feel more stable and grounded. I think it's normal to ask, "how long is this going to take?" but I don't think there is an answer. As with all family "crises"/big events, it is helpful (for me) to live day by day. I try to plan for the future, put together strong foundations and then live in the present and not "future trip". When I spin all of the potentials around in my mind, or become ridden with fear, I am not able to parent/support/love as affectively.

I don't know if that makes sense, but it has been helpful for me and my family during our family's crises.

Also, by being a female, mother, and loving parental figure to his daughter, you ARE providing HIM with support. You have been pregnant, given birth and are raising children of your own. You love his daughter, are compassionate to her situation and are attempting to help her find her own path towards parenthood. Meanwhile you are listening and talking with him, are letting him have emotional space to deal with his feelings. I think that sounds perfect. Well done.

He needs time for sure, maybe a couple of months. His little girl basically just got ripped away in a matter of no time. I would encourage (after some time) the two of them to talk. He may feel less pressured if he knows she is making serious plans and has looked into resources to help HER be a parent. I had several teen mom friends when I was in high school (unfortuneately) -- but to ease his worry, the only parents who ended up parenting their grand-kids where the ones who interjected themselves in that role. As long as he is just the grandpa, then she will have no choice but to be the parent -- and Im sure she'll do just fine.

All that said, after a couple of months, it is time to realize that this is the newest version of your lives, and he needs to get on with it if he hasn't already. Be sympathetic with him to a point, then be firm if it goes too far. Be open and clear with your expectations of him as YOUR partner.

Well, do you and your boyfriend plan on getting married? If you two have discussed marriage, why don't you get married sooner (much sooner) rather than later? This way, you will all live together and, if your boyfriend's financial situation is good, then maybe you would be able to be a stay at home mom and raise your step-daugher's baby (along with your children, of course). With you looking after her baby during the day, this will allow her to get her GED and enroll in some sort of a certification course (medical assisting, dental assisting, massage therapy, certified nurse assistant, etc). I STRONGLY encourage you and your boyfriend to encourage her to get her GED and start a certification program. The CNA (certified nurse assistant) is the shortest program and only takes 4 weeks if she goes full time. If getting married and you becoming a stay at home mom doesn't help your boyfriend's depression, have him seek help and get on depression medication. Best of luck to you!

I have not been in your shoes but you are right to understand what a HUGE deal this is for him. He probably feels like it is a death. The death of his hopes and dreams for her. Her life is now different--forever. And so is hers, obviously.
I think this is just O. of those times when you've gotta let time heal. he's still getting his brain around what is going on. He may be feeling disappointed, embarrassed, angry, trapped, overwhelmed just to name a few. He's a single dad, so I'll assume he's a take-charge kind of guy, a do-er and a provider. It's going to take as long as it takes.
You can continue to be supportive of her and him, but this is your boyfriend's daughter, not yours so maybe it hasn't had as huge of an impact on you emotionally? Maybe you can provide a voice of reason, an impartial, 3rd party sounding board for them.

Sweetie, relax. You've been dating only almost 2 years. You just recently found out about his daughter's pregnancy. You haven't been intimate in about 2 weeks. He's withdrawn and stressed. That's not long!!! You're only feeling freaked out about the relationship because it's new. In life, crisis's come and go and sex can be put on hold for months at times! Give him some space and allow him to overcome his shock. Stand back, let him breath. Don't force him to talk or be connected. Don't lay heavy "relationship" stuff on him (not saying your are) while he's just trying to get his head around his daughter's situation. Don't worry about your own relationship, or he will feel it as extra stress. Just back off of him (sweetly), and continue being a support for his daughter.

Of course you're there for him if he needs you, but don't accidentally add any more pressure. Be sure to remind him when he's really low, that the baby is a blessing everyone will love and the stress is only for now. Every resource for every choice his daughter may make is available, and this has been happening to people for centuries. It will all be OK. As for the daughter's choice about school etc, take that one step at a time. Try not to fret over everything every day (tell him that too). Mother nature gives babies a long time to incubate on purpose so people can prepare. Offer advice in positive little bits and comfort people, but don't add any friction from your own end about your relationship, and don't worry, this will pass. Everyone will be alright.

I personally would back off for a while.The contact between you & step daughter can continue if she likes but since your just his girlfriend or even a step mom I would let it simmer down stay out of it as much as possible.He has to pull through if he isn't able to with you around then when will he get a chance to?Have the two of you talked about her decisions does he know all fo this & what are his plans in the future with you.She is very young to handle this alone i'm glad your able to step up & support her but she needs dad her dad there too.She is going to be pregnant for 9 months plus after the baby is born will reside with her dad if he has only been like this for 2 weeks imagine what the rest of the pregnancy will bring then after the baby if your uinable to handle this for the 2 weeks it has been will you be able to handle it any further?

Give him time - it has only been two weeks. This is a time for processing for him. Let him process and try helping him through it. Sit down with him and his daughter and talk if this is agreeable to them. Talking things out usually helps. But give your boyfriend time to process this event. It is a huge change for him and for his daughter.

N.

hi young mom here- i cant say i know what any of you in this situation are going through, but it sounds to me, and this is just what i call an educated guess, like he's trying to internally fix this. men are fixers- they like to take things apart, find the problem, fix it, and put it back together. it sounds to me like he's trying to figure out a backup plan. it sounds like you 2 have a pretty strong relationship and if you're confident in this i'd say maybe he just needs some time to think through this? give him a little space- absence makes the heart grow fonder. or sit him down & let him know that you've noticed his distancing and eventhough you're concerned that he needs to let you know what he needs. if it's some space, then he has to communicate that to you. if he needs another head to come up with a plan or a backup plan, then he's gotta let you know. sometimes- all they needs is just a reassuring person to just BE there. BEST of luck!!