She is in a public high school with an IEP. She has counseling, OT and speech but doesn't go saying "she's not obligated" and she has pressured me to terminate her IEP. She has not went for over a year and she realized I won't terminate her IEP but she said that's OK with her but she's not accepting the services. I have taken her to outside counseling and that doesn't help. She is very stubborn. She tells me to stop harassing her over this and she will not go no matter what I say. She was grounded already and had privileges taken away. I am worried she is not meeting her IEP goals.
Have you talked to her instead of telling her? Adulthood is just around the corner. She's trying to be her own person. Step back as a "mom" - hard, I know, and try to listen as a "peer". Forcing isn't working. Ask her to help you understand what is going on. You may end up agreeing, or both of you may find a way for her to get what she needs in a different way. Good luck!
You can't make her go. And starting at age 14, she has the right to be at the annual IEP meetings so if she hasn't gone the past couple of years, have her go and let her make her case.
What you can do is continue to uphold standards for academic performance like you would without an IEP. In my house, missing assignments = not enough time to focus on school work = there go distractions like your phone, computer (except for academic work), iPod, TV and social life. Low test scores? Hmmm...looks like you haven't been studying enough, time to remove your distractions or cut back on activities. If she then says that she *can't* do better because of her disability, then the logical response will be that she then has to avail herself of the services.
Bottom line is that she can either choose to maintain some reasonable baseline for academic performance on her own terms (unique to her - for my honors student daughter anything under an A- raises an eyebrow, for my IEP/LD/ADHD son the goal is B or better in everything except Spanish) or get back with the program for her IEP if she can't maintain that standard on her own. If she is able to maintain her grades without the IEP, then honestly, good for her!
ETA: This is very common and age-appropriate behavior. I tutor high school kids for SAT prep and frequently come across kids who in junior or senior year are either on an IEP that they don't use at all or refused to comply with after 9th or 10th grade. The school staff should have experience in dealing with this kind of attitude change and be able to guide you through which services for your daughter they perceive to be critical to her success vs which are just nice to have.
How are her grades, otherwise? Is she refusing to go to school?
She's right, you can't force her to do anything, at her age. She has to be internally motivated.
I don't really understand your problem. As long as she goes to her classes, and does reasonably well, the related services don't matter.
Have you asked her, or had someone else whom she trusts ask her, why she won't go? She may be getting teased, or doesn't see how it is helping her. She should at least give you a reason why. The more you confront her, though, the more she will dig in her heels, so ask in a relaxed non-confrontational manner.
I know that trying to get concrete reasons out of a 16 y.o. can be difficult, but have you managed to find out why she wants to abandon the services and terminate her IEP? Has someone made her feel singled out or stupid for needing support? Does she have a negative relationship with a service provider? Is she missing other things she cares about at school because of when the services are available? (I know many kids for whom this has been a problem.) Does she believe that she no longer needs the services? Does she feel that the services offered aren't actually helping her? Is there anything in her IEP services that needs to change in order to make them more effective for her?
Kids her age often take an "all or nothing" approach to problems - "This isn't working for me, so I'm ditching it." They sometimes have trouble seeing on their own that there are middle ways that can be taken. Getting to the root of her "why" might help you figure out how to help her, and whether you should stand firm or look at possible compromises, including adjusting her IEP or modifying services. Part of her problem may be that she feels that she doesn't have any input in the process or that her input is being dismissed.
I wonder if her teachers or other adults who know her would have any insight to offer about what might be going on. If she won't talk about it, maybe they will.
I am autistic and I was in a general education class since 7th grade but I still had an IEP. I can relate to your daughter. If she doesn't want to go to her related services, that is her choice. She's not meeting her IEP goal, then she's not meeting her IEP goal. Maybe she doesn't want to meet her IEP goal. It's your choice to terminate her IEP if she's under 18, and it's her choice whether or not to go to related services. You tried all you could, nothing helped. Pick your battles. Maybe she really doesn't need these services.
Most high school kids don't want "special attention" called upon them for things like remedial services. My daughter had an IEP plan for extra tutoring and never used it because 1) she didn't want to be singled out by leaving the class to get help and 2) the tutoring teachers did not have experience working with Algebra II students-they dealt mostly with very rudimentary math skills and they suggested she seek after school help from her teacher. Is she reluctant to miss regular class to receive these services? What services and at what level are they providing those services? Does she feel like she needs the speech and OT services? Do you feel that she needs the services? What happens if she does not meet her IEP goals? Try to find out the reason she doesn't want the help!! Could she go before or after school for services if she didn't want to leave her friends in class? I had my daughter released at the end of her junior year. At the end of her Junior year, the Vice Principal included her in the IEP meeting and told her not to plan to go to a 4 year college, but to go to a trade school or a community college. We were furious because that was her goal and she cried because he had just crushed her hopes for a 4 year college. I did not want her diploma and final transcript to indicate that she had had an IDP plan. I wanted her to have a fresh start in college (She struggled, but worked really hard and had tutoring and study groups and graduated from a state college in 4 years with a BS degree!)
Have you talked calmly with her to find out if she has possibly been teased or even bullied due to having an IEP? Other kids quickly figure out which kids are getting special services and last year she might have been the butt of jokes or teasing because of getting these services. That could explain why she is so angry and resistant.
It also sounds like she needs a third party -- not you -- to talk with her about WHY these services will help her get through high school and why she needs them to get beyond high school (whether or not she goes to college). She is not going to listen to you at this point; enlist the person at her school who is charge of her IEP, or the OT therapist, or the speech therapist - whichever one she seemed to get along best with when she WAS going. I would frankly go see these professionals in person and alone, without daughter, first, and I would ask them to ask to see her but NOT to tell her that you are behind their requests. If she realizes mom asked them to talk to her she may just become defensive and resistant.
I am very surprised that these professionals have not come after her, and you, already with offers of meetings, letters of concern, etc. Has there been no contact at all from the school along the lines of "your child did not turn up for this session today"?? That would be very disturbing to me. Have you previously ever gone to the school and demanded to know why it isn't sending her to these in-school services? Are these services supposed to take place during school hours, at school, yet she's not going? If that's the case -- why is someone not hauling her to her assigned location for services? If it's outside school -- how can she refuse to go, if you are driving her there and walking her in? It's not clear to me how she has been able to refuse.
You say you've taken her to outside counseling and it didn't help. You need a different counselor. Don't give up on her but find her a counselor who has a LOT of experience with girls her age. Also consider family counseling for both of you together so she learns that you have her best interests at heart and you learn how to talk with her rather than talking at her.
She is two years away from graduation. If she wants to do anything at all after high school she needs to learn that she must get herself together starting now. But she needs help beyond you. Fight to get her a better counselor outside school, take her there yourself, and fiind out why the school has been so slack that it has let her go a YEAR without services. But most of all, talk to her instead of just ordering her to do things. Giving her a little bit of power over her life may do a lot to reduce her resistance to you.
Have you spoken to the OT and other people at the school? Perhaps they can compel her to attend.
ETA: My neighbor has a 14 year old son. He's a nice kid, but has various issues. No IEP, but he was refusing to attend school entirely. Nothing his mother said or did worked. The situation did not change until the truancy officers stepped in and came to his house to have a serious chat about his future. If your daughter isn't listening to you, try to find someone of authority or that she already respects.
