My 2 1/2 Year Old Is Mean to My 7 Month Old!!! HELP!

I had that problem 12 years ago, you need to let her help you with the baby, make her feel like she needs to help take care of her little brother.

Hi A.
Everyone has this issue with their toddler...different circumstances...but the same issue...total defiance! And the more you leave it and allow her to do this, the worse off it becomes and it spills over in to other areas as she gets older. I have five of them...and our life is wonderful..all because I stopped listening to the "world's" system of parenting...like Oprah and Dr Phil...and started the old "tried and true" method of the ages...she gets her hand swatted and butt swatted...not in anger...only "matter of fact"...constantly...until she "surrenders" her defiant will! and guess what...the sting on her hand and cushion on her butt (which is what it was intended for)....out weighs her need to be ugly or hit or whatever...and she miraculously STOPS it! But you must remain consistent...When you place her in time out, all you are doing is allowing her time to think about how to get away with it the next time. You arent directing, molding her will...you are only "training" her to think of ways to continue. But swatting her hand or butt...now that causes her to stop and think! and then realized, "this pain" doesnt feel good and its attached to me being ugly...so if I stop being ugly, the pain stops! I dont do it in anger, I tend to smile at times..."no ma'am...you don't do that..you are a good girl" and she cant quite get it..mom isnt mad or yelling, but this hurts and I should stop it. it works and its quick, short, sweet and to the point...and you train them up right...and then you can manage life and being in public with your kids...and you wont have the unruly tyrrants that control their parents. You are in charge, take charge and teach and train her HOW to act! or society will and you wont like what you get back. it works!
have fun!

YOung children will do anything and everything to get attention. And, it doesn't matter to them if the attention is positive or negative. Is the acting out direectly related to time you spend with the baby. I mean, does she "react" to you changing him, feeding him, etc. If so, make her a part of these activities. Actually, you should always make her a part of his care. Allow her to hand you the diapers, get the wipes, etc., during feeding time, allow her to help you hold the bottle, or the spoon as you feed him. Make her a big part of bath time, and even though she doesn't read, allow her to "read" to him. Making he an interactive positive in his life should cut down on the negative behavior. And, you should NEVER treat negative behavior with negative responses. It really only enforces negativity! ( This from a long time preschool teacher, mom of two and grandma!) Trust me, positive behavior and positive reenforcement is ALWAYS the best method!

i don't know if you believe in spanking but that is what you need to do to help solve these problems. it won't be easy and their is no quick fix in this type of problem. i know because i am still going through it with an almost 9 yr old a 7 yr old and a 3 yr old. it takes years and patience to overcome these problems. you tell her no and explain how it hurts others when she does it. none of it will be easy but it is the only way that a child will know that you are serious and that it needs to stop.

Try sitting down with both kids to play and show her how to be gentle with your son. Say things like, "Can you give your brother a gentle hug or a gentle kiss?" I think toddlers need to know how to be affectionate to their siblings, other kids, and even animals. Give her lots of praise every time she is gentle or helpful and be specific by saying "You're doing such a good job by being gentle with your brother", instead of saying things like "Good Girl".

Try to focus as much as you can on the things she is doing right and when she is rough with your son, go to his rescue and apologize to him for her behavior before setting her aside to let her know it is not okay to be rough with a baby. This teaches her empathy for the victim, a technique I learned from Becky Baily's book on
Positive Discipline.

When you are disciplining her, always get down to her level look into her eyes and tell her it is not okay to hit/pinch/push her brother, but it is okay to hit a drum or a pillow and try to redirect her energy on something she can be rough with.

If you want your kids to grow up with a strong bond it is up to you to foster that bond. It takes work. My daughter was rough in the beginning, and I was yelling and putting her in time out. But as soon as I learned to redirect her energy and the power of positive words she really turned around and is now very loving with her sister at age 5 (her sister is 3). They are the best of friends and play very well together, rarely getting into fights.

I also highly recommend setting aside 5 minutes of time to meditate or read positive affirmations on a daily basis. When you put consciousness into your day, you are more patient and proactive and less reactive to situations with your kids.

Some great parenting books I recommend are:
Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation, by Becky Baily

Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children by Sarah Napthali

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla Kabat-Zinn

Hope that helps,

G.

My daughter went through a mean stage too. Although it was not to a younger sibling (she is 4 now and I am pregnant with my 2nd), she was mean to me. I tried spanking and time out none of which worked. You have to find something that is of great value to your daughter in order for it to make an impact. For mine, it was her books, then baby dolls, etc. The next time she was mean to me, I took away every single book she had. Then I developed a reward system. If she got a "good note" from her PMO (parents morning out) teacher and a "good note" from mommy then she earned 5 books. If she got a bad note, she lost 5 books. It took her awhile to catch on ... but she has been an angel ever since! It took about two months to get all of her books back. Even now, when she is bad, I take books away because punishing her doesn't work. I also use the 1, 2, 3 Magic. You can find it on video (or book) at the library. My pediatrician recommended it to me and it is great!

My children are this same age apart from each other (they are 3 and 1 ... 25 months apart), with my 3 year old I always make her say she is sorry to her sister and then she has time out. Then when her time is done I ask her why she had it and make her tell me what she did wrong, then make her give her sister a hug and kiss. I'm sure it will get a little easier! Hang in there!

I wish I had advice for this. This time last year I had a 2 1/2 year old and 3-4 month old. I could not leave them near each other. I couldn't leave the baby on the floor under his toy unless I was right beside him. My older boy would cover him up with blankets. Any time he could get near him he would put a blanket over his face. I ended up having to take one with me to the bathroom and shower. I would put up the baby gate in the kitchen and have one on each side so I could fix lunch. It drove me crazy so I feel your pain! The good part is that now the older is 3 1/2 and the "baby" is a little over a year. He just started walking and he only weighs about 5 pounds less than his big brother. He's making up for all that meanness that was thrown at him when he was too little to fight back. I sometimes find him just sitting on the older one's chest and laughing hysterically. They play together a lot better but there are still "that's mine" battles daily. I think those things just come with having more than one child. Luckily your 7 month old will be up and about soon so he will be able to get away or fight back on his own soon.
I just tried to keep them seperate a lot and closely monitor any time they do spend together. When the older one starts acting out he gets one warning then he either gets a spanking or gets sent to the little white chair to sit alone. Depends on what he's done. It seems to work pretty well. If the little one is the one acting out, I pick him up and sit him beside me on a couch or chair and take the toys away until he calms down.
Good luck!

Your daughter needs to feel as if she is important too, and that you need her to help with "her" baby. I have 4 kids, and they all had time with "their" babies, and as a result, all of them have developed strong nurturing skills. She is seeing the baby as taking something away from her. Make her realize how important she is in the baby's life. Let her hold him. When she does her mean thing, stretch her hand out of the fist,and have her stroke the baby with an open hand. Say things like "Nice to baby, Nice to baby, Baby loves you, You're his big sister, and I know you want to help with him :etc etc etc. Immediately make her apart of everything you do with him. Whatever you do, STOP pushing her away when you are with him. even if you are holding 2 at a time. Remember, he does not know that you gave all your attention to her because she was the only one and he has to share. You are the only one that feels badly about that. She needs to hold him ad get a chance to love him.
Let me know how this works for you.