My 20-Month Old Daughter Is Throwing Temper Tantrums All the Time...

Hi,
My daughter has always been the strong willed little girl too. She went through the same thing around the same age. She is now almost 3.Around that age they start testing the water to see what they can get away with...more so then boys.( At least that was the case with my boys.) The only thing that has seemed to work for me is the Naughty Spot ( after watching Super Nanny it seemed like it would work ) When she acts out you warn her...tell her behavior is not acceptable and if she dosent stop doing whatever she is doing she will go to the naughty spot. It took my daughter a few times to understand but she knows that when I mention the naughty spot I mean business...I will use this when we are out at the store too. There has been plenty of times in the middle of the cereal isle at Jewel she has had a a time out. People look at me funny but I dont care. I rather be correcting my child in public rather then allow them to think that, that kind of behavior is ok.
If you need to see the Naught Spot in action tune in to Super Nanny on channel 7. The woman is brilliant. I hope this helps...at least an idea for you. Good Luck!

I was also thinking 10 pm is way too late for a child that age. My son is 26 months and goes to bed at 7:30. He has been throwing a fit when we leave places, but i tell him if he cant behave we can never come back. It works most of the time. I think its just the age that kids start flexing their independence muscle. But dont give in. That will just make it worse the older they get.

I think this might be some what of the norm for girls. My daughter is 22 months and she's the same way. She'll pitch the biggest fits if she doesn't get her way. Most of the time, I try to ignore her so she will realize that fits wont' get her what she wants but, like you said, sometimes its easier just to give in so she'll just be quiet. THe other day she wanted picked up but I was feeding my younger daughter (who is 7 months) and she started the biggest tantrum (complete with throwing herself on the ground and stomping her feet). I wish I knew why they did it or how to control them so I could give you (and me!) the magic answer but sadly, I don't think there is one. We just have to let them outgrow it. *sigh*

Hi A.~
My now almost 5 yr old son did the SAME thing!! However, his fits were based on wanting chocolate milk! He would stand at the top of the stairs screaming chocolate milke. He could last all night if I had let him. I know this probably isn't how most people would handle it, but I just gave him the choc milk. Like you said it was just easier to end the fight that way than go on for hours. He did get over this stage, but it did take a couple of months. Trust me, it was quite the relief when my fridge no longer had to be stock full of chocolate milk!
Just remain as calm as you can, and remember that with time this stage will be over!
~J.~

Hi, A.. I agree with soooo many of these moms' responses! The "Lemme know when you're done" thing? LOOOOVE IT! Always worked miracles for me! Literally turned my back, rolled my eyes, went about my business and shot 'em down. Even now, the MOMENT I hear one of the pre-teens go, "Moooom, so and so just...." I cut 'em off with, "And you aaaare?...." and they INSTANTLY (deflated, ohhh so deflated) respond, "tattling."

And they walk awaayyyy!

IMO (and my experience; 3 kids - 12,10 and 6 now) ANY reaction - especially an emotional one!!!! - is 'ATTENTION'. Even NEGATIVE attention is ATTENTION. Some kids even pursue this MORE because it's a more passionate FORM of attention!

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!!! (without actually ignoring her, you know what I mean).

She's tiny and young, sure. But obviously smart enough to know (so she thinks) how to get her way - with force. These little ones have soooo much more energy than we do.

Nowadays "sending to their room" is pointless. But, asking them to leave the room you're in the moment they "start"? Well, this works.

You're the leader. Not only are you conveying a silent (and strong) message on "what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior", you are ALSO TEACHING HER WHAT YOUR STANDARD OF ACCEPTANCE FROM ANYONE IS! Not only will she see you "deal with her", she will be privy to your powerful phone conversations with Nicor, Com Ed, in-laws (hehe).... any conflict-involved or serious conversation. She will learn your tone, know when you mean business and understand very quickly that "I don't care WHO you are, I (you) will be approached a CERTAIN WAY and that way is WITH RESPECT!"

More importantly - she will see and hear you keep a calm tone but still manage to be firm and express yourself well. She'll see how you "get what you want" without raising your voice, demanding, becoming unruly.... She'll learn what works and what doesn't work. :)

I've learned one thing solidly, religiously and permanently: I could "tell" my kids what they ought to know 'til I'm blue in the face. But it's what I DON'T realize I'm teaching them (how they watch me) that becomes ingrained in them.

Look on the bright side - you've got a future lawyer or political activist on your hands there! No one says you have to "cure" this aggressive side of hers, she just has to learn that there's a time and place. I personally love outspoken kids!!! And, again, yes - 20 months is young - but her mind? SHARP AS A TACK! It's okay for her to learn diplomacy at such a young age. After all, she's the one dipping her foot in that very pool! Good luck!

Try "Love and Logic". I can't remember the author, but you can find it on Amazon.

I too am a mother of a very strong-willed 2 year old. I have tried many things and have noticed that recently, the more I give her special alone time, play with her and hug her she responds much better when asked to do something or being disciplined. I have also found that if I need her to do something, the way I ask or tell her to makes a huge difference. It's like she's willing to do anything if I ask nicely or give her structured choices. My natural instinct is to be direct and tell her what to do, but her personality does not respond well to that kind of parenting. She has a brother who is 4 and is totally the opposite. The stricter and stronger I am with him, he flourishes and seems to do better. I guess every kid is different and it took me a while but I think I am finally getting through to my little girl. I guess I would recommend, since she is the youngest, like my daughter, just start finding time to do special things with her and give her lots or individual love within a framework of rules and structure.

Sounds like mostly tired and overstimulated. When this happens calm down the environment as much as possible - you wouldn't believe the effect turning off all unnecessary lights in the house has on kids, also turn off music and TV (or way down). If you're out somewhere, try to leave. I've seen this mostly in supermarkets, and frankly those places stress me out too - too much stuff! Whatever the thing she's fussing about at the moment, that's not the real issue, it's a feeling of being overloaded and out of control that scares her.

Terrible twos. Tantrums will probably happen more when she is tired, hungry or bored or when she doesn't get her way. Does she have a regular eating schedule? Some times you can try to distract them out of a tantrum by trying to point something out, play games. Sometimes I can motivate my son into getting ready by racing to see who can get ready first. If he doesn't start right away, I will put on my jacket very slowly until he is ready to race. Or say let's go home and do something fun together (her favorite activity). Hugs may help also. It's a frustrating time for those toddlers when they are hungry, tired or don't get what they want or can't communicate what they want. I'm going to be going thru the same fun with my son who is almost 2. Everybody goes through that stage, sometimes in kids as old as 2, 3 and even 4 years but they always become less frequent and doesn't last forever.

HI A.,

My 19 month old is also throwing constant tantrums. I think it is just the age. Although, I do agree that you have to pick your battles, I don't beleive in giving my child her way after she has thrown a major fit to get it. This only reinforces the idea that if she screams or kicks long enogh she will what she wants. Moms have a reason for saying "no" and your daughter will learn to accept this. 10pm sounds really late, maybe she was just really tired. I would start time-outs for unacceptable behavior and stick to it. Walk away and ignore her. She can still have a time-out even if you are at tumbling. Stand your ground now, she is testing the waters. You don't want these power struggles later. Hang in there.

Hi! My daughter is 22 months old and she does the same exact thing, and has been throwing temper tantrums (or meltdowns as we call the) since she was 9 months old. I completely understand that the first thing you want to do is give in cuz you don't have the energy to fight her. I've been there many times, and still give in sometimes. The most important thing is to stay strong and remember it is a battle of whos will is stronger, yours or hers. My ped. once told me that all my daughter knows is that I am standing in the way of her getting what she wants and I have to decide what battle I want to fight. He said if I am going to fight the battle, I have to win, or she is going to learn that she can walk all over me. She has no self control at this age, and we are here to teach them that. Just remember to stay calm but firm in your decisions, and they tell me it all blows over as they get older! Good luck!

Hi A.,
Mine did the same thing!! Still does, from time to time. It is totally normal, but insanely frustrating. My advice is DO NOT GIVE IN!! They are smart little people, and learn quickly. I gave in at first to stop the noise, and it took a while to undo all of the "learning" she had done about getting her way. If you give in, it will absolutely continue. Ignoring the behavior is a very good tactic as well, since all they really want is your attention. I leave the room. It breaks my heart sometimes... My DD also went to Tumblebears, and I pulled her out, because of her constant meltdowns when changing activities. I gave her a few chances, and we may try again in the spring. Some things you can go to help prevent the meltdowns are:
* Make sure your child is well rested (good bed time, naps, etc.)
* Feed her snacks between meals, because they use up so much energy, and a hungry kid is just asking for a fit!
* Try to keep her out of OVERLY stimulating or frustrating situations (not any stimulation or frustration, that is good for them and they need it to learn, but you know your kid- don't put her in over her head).
Good luck and remember it won't last forever!!!!
E.

Hi A.

I think it is 'normal.' My son is 21 mths and is doing similar things. He is testing his limits alot these days and screaming for no apparent reason to me. Guess we just need patience right now :-)

K.

My little girl who is four now, was very strong willed also. Battles could (and still somtimes do) last 30 minute or so. Her brother, who's almost two, has tantrums but they don't last near as long. A couple ides for you...

Try telling her in simple terms when she can have what she wants, and redirect her to something else. (ie. You cn have the yogurt at breakfast tommorow, right now let's read a book before bed.)

Make sure she's getting plenty of rest. Everyone's schedule is different, but 10:00 might be a bit late for your little one. If my kids are tired or hungry they can be a real bear.

Also be sure not to give in to the tantrum. Even though it might not be worth it to fight over yogurt, the real battle is for who is in charge. Pick your battles carefully, but when you pick one be sure to see it through.

Of course all theses things are easier said than done :) Good luck and you're not alone!

I have a 19 month old, strong willed girl, so I'm right there with you! With mine, I have learned to just let it ride. I know that sounds hard, and it is, but if I give in, she wins. The fact that she turned around and said bye tells me she can stop if she wants to. Good luck!

My first never really tried the temper tantrum thing much, but the second did big time. She would go into a meltdown over anything. I very quickly learned that I wouldn't try to reason with her at all. She's not capable of understanding reason. If at home, I would immediately pick her up and carry her to her room. The whole time telling her that temper tantrums and screaming are not allowed and mommy is not going to listen to it. I would put her in her crib with the light on, close the door and walk out. After about five or ten minutes she normally would quit and I would go in and ask if she was done. Then I would talk to her about trying to get her way by screaming. I would explain that I wasn't going to change my mind because she screamed and that it didn't help her get her way....but did get her into trouble. Not sure how much of that sunk in at first because she was so little, but she didn't do the melt down thing for very long. It only took a dozen trips to the room or so before she learned it doesn't work. I just wouldn't allow it.

Once or twice she really went nuts and tried to throw herself on the floor and kick me when I went to pick her up. I calmly stood her to her feet and swatted her bottom two or three times (she had on diapers) and told her no, no very sternly and then carried her to her room. At the end we had another talk about how she wasn't going to get her way screaming and throwing a tantrum...now was she allowed to kick mommy or swing at me. That would not be allowed ever.

If we were in public like in a store. I would stear the grocery cart right for the bathroom and explain that we were not going to behave that way. If she continued, I left the store and put her in her seat. If she stopped and calmed down then we went back in...otherwise I went home. She would then have to go to her room when we got home. She only did that to me once or twice. She learned I would not tolerate it any place any time.

Like I said the oldest only did the temper thing once or twice and learned very quickly that it wasn't going to work. The second was a little more stubborn and she spent a few times in the crib by herself. She learned though.

Once in a blue moon either of the girls might try it (they are five and three now)to a milder degree and they are immediately sent to their rooms. After five or ten minutes I'll go in and we discuss how screaming and crying to get your way is not acceptable. It just isn't. You save crying for when you are really hurt or really super sad about something. We don't scream and cry to get someone to change their mind or get what we want.

Hope some of that helps and you can take or leave what works for you.

DO NOT give in to your daughter once you have made a choice in a matter and told her. Not a big deal to have yogurt at 10pm, but if you say no, the answer is no....no matter how long she throws a fit. Take her to her room or a quiet place and let her calm down, but do not say yes when you already said no because she will learn that if she just hangs in there long enough she will eventually get her way. I know it is difficult, but it does not last forever and you want to set these boundaries now! Years from now you will get a laugh at her throwing a fit for half an hour after for Dora yogurt!! I remember one day when my daughter was that age we were in the grocery and she got mad about something and started throwing a fit..I picked her up and sat her in the cart and continued my shopping as she cried her heart out. (I did not have the choice to just leave the store because we were at a Trader Joe's that is over a half hour drive away.) I got my groceries and checked out...(she threw her fit the whole time, I stayed calm) on our way out of the store the manager gave me a bouquet of flowers and said he knew it was hard with these little ones. God bless that man!

Sorry mommy but "who's the parent?" Let her cry. Your "giving in" means she WON again! Watch NANNY 911. Believe me, that woman knows her stuff. You see the childrens behavior change right before you very eyes! Honestly honey, if I had her way back when I had my kids, my friends and myself would have had a much easier time. You can't give in to them. That's giving them the power of running you. They're soo smart, you just wouldn't believe.
P.S. I wouldn' reward her with book reading or trat, that's defeating the purpose also. Hang in there. Yogurt is breakfast or daytime treat. Snack before bed could be an apple wedge, then pottie then to bed. She'll be alright when she learns that you are the MOM.

A 20 month old still up at 10pm throws a tantrum because they are tired.

I think you handled the other situations well. Like another mom, I tell my kids, "Let me know when you're done" and walk away. And I also think ignoring the tantrum when you are leaving an establishment is good too. Deep breaths, stay calm, she'll grow out of it.

What if before you are ready to leave anywhere you prep her and tell her that in about 5 minutes it will be time to get our coats on and go home or wherever the destination will be after that. Maybe then it will be in her head and when it is time to go you remind her and say ok it's been 5 minutes and it is time to go.? just a thought? you could try and see how that is. Maybe she is really focused on where she is at and is shocked when its time to go? Maybe she just needs extra prep when it comes to transitioning?

Hi A.,
I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, and what I've decided to do is choose my battles. Having yogurt at 10pm isn't a bad thing, as it's a heathly snack. I often give her options for snacks that are healthy and let her pick. I think toddlers want to make more decisions for themselves.

Also, what works well for us is about 5-10 minutes before we have to leave somewhere, I start telling her that we will have to "go bye-bye" soon, to start preparing her for leaving. That way when it's really time to leave, she is mentally prepared.

Good luck!

D.

Do NOT give in! Never give in to a tantrum. My oldest did this for quite some time. You have to stand firm, if she throws a 30 minute fit so be it. Sometimes little ones get so upset they loose control of their emotions, thus a tantrum. My daughter threw one where she got herself so worked up she puked. After it was over we talked about whether or not her fit was worth it in the end. But if you give in you only validate her fit. I know it sounds harsh, but YOU are in control. It's difficult so see your child in such a way but it is necessary to stand firm. Eventually the tantrums will become fewer and fewer as she realizes that she is no longer in control of the situation. Good luck....P.S. as for tantrums in the store, I have left before completing my shopping, 1) so as not to upset other shoppers with all the screaming 2) to wait till she realizes I mean business.....

It sounds as though she is testing you. I commend you for not going blistics on her. Moms get fatigued when this happens especially at 10 p.m. but don't give in to her. She should know her boundaries and what is expected of her. I would set the stage and tell her i.e. when it is time to leave we are going to put on our coats and leave quietly. Tell her little girls who behave well sometimes get surprises. Show me how good of a listner you are. Never say how good you are. All children are good not bad - there behavior is good or bad. The more you reifnorce and stay consistent the more she will come to realize that her tantrums do not work. Have your husband on board with this also because she will play you against Daddy. This is only a little while as you have experienced. All the best.

Well, yes, it's common for the age and for a girl. If you want to nip it in the bud then you say no and mean no. I agree that the yogurt wasn't worth fighting over...but you said no. She threw a fit, you gave in, so she learned that no doesn't really mean no. Kids are smart, but they don't have the judgement that we do.

You have to pick your battles early in the game. If you know that you really don't care if she eats a yogurt at 10 at night, then don't say no. If you do care, say no and mean it. And if you make a mistake, like saying no to yogurt, then you need to live with your "no" and learn yourself for next time...but don't give in to that fit!

Believe me, yogurt may not be worth it now...but the behavior that giving in creates won't continue to be about yogurt. It will be about homework, cleaning up, curfew, you name it! Undoing the training is way more work than just following through in the beginning.

Good luck!

Hi A.,
I think its important to realize that she's at that two year old stage. As I'm sure you know with your other children, this is the stage they learn they're independent and they want to assert their power. They're all ego!
My son was the same way- he's 3 now. We took classes at Tuesday's Child because there was alot of tantrums/agressive behavior and I just couldn't take him anywhere out of fear that he would freak out. We were miserable.
Tuesday's Child said that with the tantrums we should show differential attention- which means ignore him. Unless he's hurting himself or others, ignore the behavior you don't like and praise, praise, praise the good behavior. Then she'll learn that the best way to get your attention is to do something you'll praise her for. Kids want attention anyway they can get it and they don't care if its negative. So when he throws tantrums, I say, "It looks like you're really mad right now. I'm going to sit right here and when you're calm we can ...fill in the blank with some other activity. Thank God for Tuesday's Child! Kids get older and as I've seen on Oprah the demands only get bigger and we give in out of guilt cause we're working alot and not spending as much time or whatever. My humble advice- don't give her what she wants when she tantrums. Then she learns that when you say no, you really mean no until she gets really upset. :)
blessings,
J.

A., not that this will work when you're out, but it worked for me at home. Whenever my daughter (who is a MAJOR drama queen at times) would start a tantrum I would tell her when you are done, let me know and I would walk away. Yes, it can get frustrating, but as long as I knew she was safe, I'd walk away. And I would keep walking if she followed me. LOL She only had a couple of tantrums before they stopped because she knew she wasn't going to get the attention she was trying for.

Out of the house, I would just tell her if she didn't stop we were leaving that second and followed through on that, but that doesn't sound like it will work for you since the fact that you're leaving is what's causing the tantrums.

Good luck - oh, and you learned what I learned. The terrible twos don't have to start at two. We must have overachievers. :)

The bible says, spare the rod, spoil the child. I'm not sure if you're spanking your daughter, but if you aren't you might want to start. Never give in to them, because when you do, they then have the upper hand and they will continue to do it because they believe that you'll give in. When you're in public, sometimes you have to take them to the side or to the restroom and take care of it then. Do not let your daughter have the upper hand. At 10pm she should be in her bed and if she wants to cry, she can cry there.

God bless,
A concerned mother

Hi I think I can help. I am a mom of two girls 8 and 7 and also a preschool teacher. It seems to me that your daughter is testing you. I am sure this is no surprise but the best way to stop this is to show her you are the boss but in a loving way. Also explain to her why. For example, she wanted a yogurt at the 10pm and you said no but make sure you tell why. Tell her simple having yogurt before bed may hurt your teeth. Make sure you decide what you want to do before saying it and stick to it. The old saying choose your battles is right. My daughters also train me to let them know what is happening next and they were much better in transition. I hope this helps.

I also do the whole "When you're done, I'll be over here waiting to play" thing. It really works for us. When my son was that age (and even now at 4) he threw a tantrum mostly to see what my reaction would be. Sounds totally normal behavior for that age to me. They like to test our boundaries, and it's so frustrating and tiring. Good luck. With my son, it has gotten better with age. We do fewer and fewer time outs these days it seems.

Hi A.-

I'm sure hoping this is normal because you've just described my 22 month old. She does the same exact stuff. When she doesn't get what she wants she goes from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. I'm wondering if girls are just a bit more tempermental than boys? Just know, you're not the only one dealing with this!

Good luck!
D.

I am a grandmother of 5 and have had many enjoyable times reading and answering you moms from someone who has had tons of experience. Shannon by far has the right answer. Making a healthy choice is not the issue, its the tantrum of wanting it that is. Shannon has the right idea about giving them a "time out" in their bedroom and then talking about the problem. No matter how young, you can talk and teach a child who is in charge. If you give in to their tantrums, they win. And if I may mention that fact that they are up at 10 at night? Children need structure and a normal bedtime which is not 10 at night. And to let someone have a tantrum for 30 minutes is very unacceptable behavoir. Children need boundaries and schedules. Talking to them and then giving them lots of love will eventually pay off to be an amazing sweet child. Good luck.
Debbie M

I have the world's mellowest kid (albeit energetic) who is 18 months and has started throwing the occasional fit. He knows that when I say "No fits", I mean it. When he continues to throw one, I let him have his fit, tell him that throwing it won't get him what he wants and ignore him until he's done. Now, when he throws one, it lasts five seconds because he knows that he'll get nowhere with it. Stand your ground and she'll soon realize who is in charge.

Try to say yes to things that arent a big deal, like the yogurt thing. (p.s. You can ask your ped, but I'm pretty sure children that young should be in bed much earlier than 10pm. Just a minor point as if she is at all sleep deprived, less than 12-15 hours per day, she is going to act out a lot). If it wasnt a big deal after 30 min of her screaming like a banshee then it wasnt a big deal in the first place. Then, if you say no, even if you decide it probably wasnt a big deal, STAY WITH IT. No matter what, no matter how long she goes on, mine used to scream so much she threw up, never gave in.

Sounds like she is ready for the Supernanny timeout method. My daughter is 27mos and we started them at 15mos old, when we decided she could distinguish between simple rights and wrongs and remember a wrong for longer than a minute. We follow Supernanny's rules exactly, I think anyway. Figure out what is worth a timeout (might want to write it down so there is never a question between you and your husband or other caretakers), pick a spot (we use a carpet sample so it can be taken to places like Grandma's house), then set the timer. 60 sec per year old, we did 90 sec when our daughter was that age, she is currently about to go to 2 1/2 min).

And yes, a tantrum of epic proportions is timeout worthy. She has a right to express she is angry, of course, but not to carry on for a long time, especially if she is acting out physically at all. Girls are so much more emotional, I'm about to have my second and man am I nervous about the number of tears that are going to fall in this house! Boys get really mad and then get over it, usually anyway it seems. Girls make mountains out of molehills and then carry a grudge about the whole thing too.

All I know is that the Supernanny method worked so well for us, and because it helped us be more consistent too, my daughter's tantrums were cut to a minimum a few months before she turned two and so far no resurgence. She cries, sure, but no is no is no. These days she even knows to go put herself in a timeout! We dont have to say a word if she does something like hitting or screaming her head off. She goes and sits on her mat and "collects herself". It might be worth noting that in the beginning I had to hold her down sometimes on the mat, for the first few weeks of timeouts anyway. It was a power struggle but I never gave in to her physical attempts to get up off the mat and quickly she decided there was no point in even trying before the timer beeped.

believe it or not, this is normal behavior, your daughter is finding her "strength"... but the problem is, she only knows one way to get her point across.... (smile)... I had a child that was a fit thrower too... she did grow out of it, but not soon enough for me. I kept one thought in mind the entire time, "who is in charge?". Even though she throws a fit, stand firm...you also must choose your battles wisely.... is it really something important? Or, have her decide what she's suppose to do, give her 2 choices (more than that and you have another set of problems, always keep it simple). An example would be" she wanted her Dora Yogurt. You could give her 2 choices, Have the yogurt for breakfast, or a mid morning snack... but NOT that late at night. If she still throws a fit, place her in her bed and tell her it's time to sleep... if she gets up, place her in bed again.... trust me, it will take many trips to the bed before she finally gives in... but again, ask yourself "who's in charge?" My daughter finally quit throwing her fits one day because I beat her to the punch.... I had an extremely bad day, you name it, and it went wrong... out of pure frustration (at the days end, and just as my daughter was about to throw her own fit), I threw myself on the floor, pounded my hands, kicked my feet and let out one LOUD, LONG scream. Amber took one look at me, put her hands on her hips, let out a big sigh, looked disgusted, and then walked off.... for what ever reason, she never threw another fit....(smile). Good luck with your little angel... hugs, L.

why is your child going to bed at 10? This is way to late for her and i suspect her behavior is a direct result of not enought sleep and being way overtired. You should try putting her to bed at an earlier hour