My 3 1/2 Year Old Is Not Telling the Truth

I'd agree with the previous posts that this is a phase that they all go through, but I think it's important to point out a little nuance in one statement that the child is lying and believes the lie - I believe that they make a fantasy of what they wish had happened or what will happen, and they love it so much that they believe it. It's not just lying because they can't help it - they believe that their fantasies have a chance of coming true, and so behave as though they will. That's the creative mind the other poster was talking about. Hope that helps. :)

When my three year old voluntarily lies I consider this creative writing and I go along with the story and then encourage her to express the underlying desire. For example... "Oh, tell me about that! She hit you? You probably didn't like that did you?" She'll express that hitting is on her mind and how to express frustration is not clear.

Or, "Oh, Daddy said you could have a cookie for dinner? Is our whole dinner going to be cookies tonight? I am excited about that!! I want ice cream with mine, what about you? that sounds like a terrific dinner!" [pause] "I sure wish we could really do that and stay healthy. It would be fun wouldn't it? Do you want to know what we ARE going to have for dinner?"

If you try this approach and like it... You may want to read Touchpoints (at least the section on lying) and Playful Parenting. Touchpoints will help you put a context around lying as a NORMAL and healthy (read: Creative brain) development all children go through.

Playful parenting will help you put a context around how to have fun with his creativity rather than taking everything seriously, which may promote the bad behavior.

If they are not voluntarily lying - i mean if you are forcing a lie (when they know the "right" answer and you knwo what they just did is "wrong" and you ask any way) -- the book How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk... is a great book that will help you learn not to ask questions in a manner that provokes a lie when you know what you saw. If you know, don't ask. You might be just setting him up and then chastising him for a situation to which you have contributed.

J.

At 3 1/2, your son is not capable of lying for the purpose of manipulation. He lies and he believes the lie. Do not make a big deal of it; rather phrase things in a way that precludes the lie. You could say, "I see you haven't eaten any of your sweet potatoes. Before you leave the table I need to see you eat one bite." If lying becomes a big issue for him before he's intellectually able to grasp it, you might end up shooting yourself in the foot for the future.

Just my two cents,
L.

Thanks. I found this question and all the responses very interesting. We have passed this stage but we did have some short term issues with this. Something that we thought that was helpful was to read the story about the little boy who cried wolf. It also teaches them about possible consequences of lying. He probably won't get it right away, but if you ask him questions about the story, eventually he'll start to see the point. We would compare the story to real life and how if you are always crying about a bump that isn't bad... Mom and Dad won't always know when you have a really bad bump. (A major whine issue in our house.) This helped a little on the whining too.

Good luck and thanks for posting.
Liz

Hi J.,

I found this the MOST frustrating issue to deal with and was told by my PED that it is a natural developmental stage that children go through. Basically, you need to know that he will continue to tell lies until he grows out of it,usually about age 4. You can punish him by giving him timeouts but it is not really fair since he technically can not help himself from lying. Be patient and Good Luck!