My 3-Year-old Loves My Nanny More than Me. Please Help Me Feel Better!

.

This has happened to me, and I'm pretty happy about it. It means that the nanny is great and makes my DD very happy and secure. We have a new nanny, and my DD is not yet into her as much. That makes me more sad than if DD went and gave the nanny a hug instead of me.

The nanny will be a very big part of your child's life, but for a very limited time. Ultimately, you are the mom and will be the one who makes your son feel most loved and secure.

You are NOT being replaced! And please do not get upset at your nanny over this. I know you're probably not that kind of mom, but as a former nanny I have heard many sad stories about nannies being "punished" or even fired because their employer feels like the children love the nanny more than their parents. It is usually not even true, children usually do love their parents best, but they may become more comfortable seeking care from the nanny if she is more likely to respond to them. If you are concerned about your relationship with your son then I would suggest spending as much special "mommy time" as possible, on weekends take him out for a mommy and me day (and he should also have some daddy and me days). When you are home from work make sure you have a ritual EVERY DAY like dinner together, reading books before bed, or playing a particular game. Children need consistency and just ONE meaningful ritual can make such a big impact on them. Be grateful that you have such a good nanny, and remember that your son really does love you so much, so take the time to love him back!

Don't worry. I've had this happen occassionally with my girls and our nanny and it never lasts. Kids just love their mother the most - especially given you obviously really care. I have to say I've used the couple of times it's happen to leave for work NOT feeling guilty for once... Every other day I do feel guilty. So do not worry he loves the nanny more and seriously let yourself feel good that he also loves the nanny. There's just something biological that can't be replaced when the mom is around and loves her kids. It amazes me...

Mommy guilt sucks!

Don't worry he knows you are his mommy and loves you, just like with a mom and a dad the kid will have a preference that can change by the minute as to who they prefer...quality time with him when you are home is key...quantity is dimmed by that. With a younger child also in the mix it is hard to take what little time you do have and divide that by 2. We do the best we can, give them our all and they will be just fine. The more people that love them and nuture them the better off they will be.

Please believe me when I say things aren't that much different when you work at home. I've seen every one of my girls and now my grandson too use affection or the cold shoulder to alienate us, or to manipulate us. It's a cold hard reality. Kids will be more "into" one parent or another or one grandparent or another or one childcare giver or another. I have a house full of them with my daycare kids and it's the same with them to.

One of my regular children is 1 years old. He is with my mother way more than me. She almost exclusively sees to his needs because it's just easier to have one person in charge of food and diapers of each of the kids so that we don't forget diapers and think the other person changed them and 1 year olds don't sit down and eat all the same foods or eat at the same times with the other kids. We each have kids that seem to "pick" us. So.. needless to say when he wants something he runs to her. But one day a couple came to visit me about childcare with a newborn. I had just changed him and put his shoes on because he was about to go home. He was all set to play until he left. But then he laid eyes on the baby. As I crooned over the baby he rushed over to me and insisted I cuddle him. It was jealousy pure and simple.

One day when my grandson was about 8 months old he started giving me open mouthed kisses. He wouldn't give one to his mother. But over the last couple of years he's used kisses and hugs to make one or more of us feel left out. Sometimes they are just teasing us and sometimes they are still mad that we didn't do something he wanted. If his mom works extra shifts he will act like he resents her. But then if she takes a few days off work and takes him all over town he'll give me the quick brush off because his mommy is currently in his good graces. Sometimes he prefers her or my mother or my husband. He's almost 2 and getting real bad about becoming all sweet when he wants something. If we say no he's off to the next adult hoping to get what he wants from them instead.

I have been a nanny and the children I cared for loved me, as do my children, grandchildren and the great grandchildren I sometimes baby sit for. THEY DO NOT LOVE ME OR ANYONE MORE THAN THEY LOVE THEIR MOMS. I am sure it is true of your son as well. I know he misses you and longs for you to be home more just as you miss him and long to be with him. You were the one he bonded with as soon he emerged into this life and you are the consistent one ho loves him and is there every day.

You are fortunate that you have found a nanny who obviously loves your little boy and is loved in return and makes him feel safe while you are away. Since you usually leave early and his is happy to have her there to make him feel safe and cared for, it was a normal response for him. You know how you treat guests with more enthusiasm than you do the ones who are always around.

I think you are doing great to be aware of his feelings about not having you around all the time and having to share you with the one year old when you are home, but just keep doing what you are doing and being aware. Being there for him and enjoying him when you have the chance is important.

If you have the time and you and your husband can work this out, some parents I know have a "date night" with each child totally alone while daddy is with the other child(ren) and go out and do what the child wants and the chance to be alone with mommy. You might feel better if you can work this out even if it is not as often as once a week.

Children know when they are loved and it sounds as though you are giving your children more than one adult woman to love. Blessings on your family and your fortunate nanny!!

N.

I am a working mom too, with an almost 3-year old, and this is a hard lesson to learn - our children want to love everyone, and if they do, then that's a gold star for us. At 3, I see that my child is able to distinguish between family and friends and neighbors, and loves them all. A nanny must have a special place somewhere between family and close friends (my daughter goes to daycare with a loving grandmother).

He doesn't love her "more" than you! He was showing you how comfortable and taken care of he is. To him, she is an extension of you and your family, his world. If he shows her affection, it's because he feels it for you too. If the child burst into tears or ran to you and hid his face instead of greeting the nanny, that would be a baaaad sign, not a sign that he loves you more.

He is going to get upset and have bad days when at preschool (this is me talking to myself now too!), and if you've given him someone to care for him in the best way for him, then you're a great mommy.

When my mom is around, I might as well be invisible, my daughter lays so much affection on her. That's OK - it shows me that my child CAN be loving to others, and that I'm raising a caring, joyful girl. And I can get some stuff done...

I don't have another child so I can't imagine the way it must feel to have your time divided (shared) between the two children, but your love couldn't possibly divided, it's doubled. From what I have seen in my mom's group, this is the toughest time when you have two children, when the second one is around one - you must feel so torn between work, the child, your partner and the rest of the family all the time. I feel it with just one child!

What I've done to keep myself sane is make sure I have a loving bedtime routine with my daughter. That way she knows I'm with her and we have our relationship, and when she goes to her daycare she is loved there too. And when she's having a bad day and goes to bed screaming that 'it's not fair', I make sure I have a loving bedtime routine for myself (and the ocassional glass of wine)!

Work, partnership, motherhood - a delicate balance. We make choices and fill in the gaps as best we can. You are lucky, lucky, lucky to have someone in your home who you can trust with the love of your son.

First, he definitely doesn't love your nanny more than you. He's going through a phase or testing you or having some sort of emotional barrier he's working out, that's all. Be patient and let him know your love is unconditional. He'll come back around soon.

Second, we all feel this way on different days - whether you are a SAHM and your children run to Daddy when he returns from work or if you work and your child can't stop talking about how much he loves his caregiver. It's the curse of motherhood - always has been, always will be. Children understand that, in the middle of the night when they are sick, they want mommy. They get that we love them no matter what and will keep coming back for more. I think this is just his way of testing it. Feels crappy for you right now but it's just another way of knowing you're doing it right.

Hi Julia,
This is painful. As a FT working mom, I completely understand how you feel. Can you telecommute at all? Even though you would still have to work, telecommuting could give you the opportunity to take lunch with your kids and maybe a morning walk or maybe you could be the one to lay him down for his afternoon nap.
Otherwise, another idea might be to take one day off a month and build it up as a special day just for you and him.
It is tough to see your child go to someone else first. I think the best way to counteract that is to spend as much special, qulaity time with each child as you can and then, unfortunately, lean as much on the fact that you are blessed to have a nanny who cares for your children and vice versa.
Hope this helps.

I know it's hard to be away from home, especially when you wish you could stay home, but don't worry about this. Your son definitely loves you and no one ever replaces a love a child has for a parent. You should feel relieved that your son loves your caregiver so much - that's very important.

I remember when my son was little (our nanny had been with us since birth given that we had an older child), he would cry when she came in the door in the morning because he knew that meant that I was leaving. While that was hard, I knew he liked her and vice versa so I didn't worry about it. But the funny part of it was that when I came home at night and I walked in the door, he cried - because he knew that meant our nanny was leaving for the day! Clearly transitions were hard for him at that age but it didn't mean he didn't love either one of us. Today, at 21 years old and 24 years old, our kids still try to call Annette (our nanny) when they're in town!

J. F.