My 3 Year Old and His Wild Tantrums

One thing to say: when you are in a store (or anywhere) and he has a tantrum, immediately leave with him and take him home and explain why you are doing it, because of his behavior and you will not stand for it, it is not acceptable. Even if you have a full grocery cart full of stuff, just leave it. My father did this with me and I didn't have any more tantrums or whine for anything, trust me. Good luck.

I also use the count down method and it works wonders.

There have been times recently that my son still has a tantrum even when I've used the count down, though, and I find the most successful thing I can do is sit with him or at least get down on his level and quietly talk to him, even if I don't think he can hear me over his tantrum. I say simple, objective things like, "It's very hard to leave when we are having such a good time." or "It makes us sad to say goodbye to our friends." or whatever I think the situation is. Validating whatever is making him feel out of control doesn't end the tantrum right away, but it shortens it, it doesn't change the reality of having to transition to the next part of our day, and it allows him to feel like his feelings are important (which is why I think the count down works so well, too. Who doesn't appreciate a heads-up?) Over time, his tantrums have been getting fewer and further between, and they are not such blow-outs. I really try my best to remember that he's at an age where he is capable of having a say in what goes on in his life and sometimes it's frustrating to feel like you never get your way.
Good luck to you!
S.

My now 4 year old definately had some extremely intense tantrums in his twos & threes. He always had a difficult time calming down once he got upset, even as an infant. This is what we found helpful--we tried to stay really aware of his triggers (although sometimes they were a complete surprise). Things like transitions, too many "no"s in a day, too many people, stores, etc. could all add upto a meltdown. On days when those things were going to happen (a day of errands for example), i'd try to build in lots of space for the things that recharged him--playground breaks between stores, etc. We also built in lots of awareness of transitions--telling him in advance what we were doing, then reminding again & again. There were times we left all the purchases & walked out of the store because I could see that we were headed into a tantrum. There were also times when I sat down on the ground next to him, said loving things & waited it out in the middle of the store, park...

I would do my best to identify triggers, looking beyond the immediate trigger to the whole day--sleep, food, activites, etc. When the tantrum happens, as long as your both safe, sit next to him (I like the objective, compassionate observations a previous poster mentioned), talk to him gently. I also recommend "Raising your spirited child" by Mary Sheedy Kuchina.

Know that this will pass--My son does still have melt-downs, but the intensity is markedly less & much more easliy identifiable. I also know what he needs in a day to keep himself resiliant (for him, lots of outside time, some mama snuggles, certain amount of time to himself with self-directed play, stories, time in the water). Good luck!

Hi M., I myself have a 3 year old and it seems as though once "3" came, so did a behaviour that calls for a LOT more patience! Anyhow i thought i'd share something that helps us. When Aden get's into that kind of tantrum i explain the situation and let him know the choices he has and if he doesn't chose one that settles the situation i let him have is tantrum and i leave or ignore him and also tell him that when he's all done and wants to talk then come to me. He spends a couple more minutes whining/crying and then stops and lets me know he's ready to talk it over now. I also tell him i'm not going to talk to him (or react) when he's having his fits like that. Does this make any sense? It's hard typing it out i guess...Hope it helps. It seems now that he realizes we aren't reactive to his fits they are few and far between. They started to diminish almost immediately. I also agree with the past posts as far as knowing hte triggres and explaining in detail what and where were are going to do and the expectations we have for him while we are out. Seems to work but i guess it does depend on each child. We also still do time outs where ever we are however that can be it's own battle too!! Good luck! C.

Hello M., I haven't read your responses as yet, but I'm pretty certain my advise will be both different than some, and similar to others:). The ultimate choice will be yours as far as which approach you take with your little one. I resonate with your plea for help, and frankly I can't imagine anyone out there that wouldn't, no matter how calm they perceieve themselves or their child to be. There is bound to be a situation where parent and child are at odds, causing a 'clash' to occur at some point or another in the relationship. We have all been there. Certainly I have been with my daughters. Okay...here's my advice, and I may go back and 'cut and paste' from a previous note I sent to another mom, because I believe it applies here. It is my belief that using a path of least resistance is key in stopping this behavior. By this I mean you need to be CONSISTENTLY willing to be present with yor child when he is upset, but in such a way so as not to add to the negative behavior whatsoever. I suggest you position yourself so you are eye level with him and while he is 'crying, kicking, and thrashing' calmly and without emotion state, 'stop crying, kicking and thrashing and then you may ____ (get a hug? or look at the ? on this
(store) shelf.) KEEP HIM IN THE PRESENT MOMENT and be sure to make HIM ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS OWN CHOICES! If you get no response from him, you must be willing to physically carry him from the store or where ever he is inappropriately expressing his emotional unease and leave. This is where folks usually cave, and it results in the child learning nothing except 'when I behave 'A' I get 'B'. Remember that YOUR presence is your power, right Mom? PRACTICE being as least RESISTIVE as you can with him during the tantrums, by showing compassion and love PAIRED with a firm understnading that 'this is not appropriate behavior for you or for anyone else around you' Later, outside or at home, depending on whether he is calm or not, you may engage in a conversation with him that goes something like, "When you become frustrated, you cry and scream and kick and this makes me feel sad (or whatever emotion you honestly feel.) Ask him "What do YOU THINK may be a better way to behave when you are frustrated and we are at a store?" You may be surprised what wisdom he has to offer you. This may take a few 'trials' so dig in your heels Mom! Be Peace, N.

Ahh... God love 3 yos!! Yes, I have experienced this. My daughter is now almost 5 and the fits are very rare, but still happen at times. I must say, I have left stores with my daughter tucked under my arm, screaming, and all my purchases in the cart still!! I found setting the expectation before yougo in (ie: we are getting x,y,z. I expect there to be no screaming, kicking or whining while in there.) and then giving reminders if it seems to be starting (remember, we're still in the store. How are you going to behave?). It sounds like warnings about leaving or transition might be helpful too! I have given treats for good behavior also. I don't have to do it all the time, but at first I did it a lot , then weaned it out! Good luck. This will pass and we've all been there. Don't let anyone's dirty looks fool you! They are just delusional!!!

Hi M.
My children never had melt downs like that but I did find that the count down method worked really well to help lessen the ones that they did have. 2 of my children (both boys) had a hard time with change and transitioning from one thing to the next so this method really worked for us. I would start giving them "warnings" about 10 minutes before they needed to stop what they were doing and move on to the next thing...."ok, in 10 minutes we're going to be ready to leave the store". Then again at 5, 3, 2, 1. It was such a simple thing that I doubted it would work when I first tried it but was pleasantly surprised when it did. The only time I ever had problems after that was when I forgot to use it for some reason or another.

Good luck!

I like the idea of a count down - before the tantrum begins. Maybe you could get him a visual timer so he sees the "minutes" disappear rather than unexpectedly being told that there is so many minutes left etc... (depends on your child's personality, I suppose) www.timetimer.com sells portable timers (worn like a watch) if you needed one when you are out and about. We use the 3x3 one in my home for warnings such as how long someone has left to visit - or how long to play before bedtime, etc. and it works really well with us. It's basically a timer that shows red (for however many minutes you set if for), and the red panel slowly disappears (the same speed a minute hand in a clock would move), so the child knows when the red is all gone, then such and such is over.

I would also like to suggest that if the tantrums don't seem to get better, that maybe you speak with you pediatrician about getting him evaluated by a child neuropsych or an Occupational Therapist (depending on what you feel his needs are)? I mean, only if they are this intense as you describe - and seem to be "out of nowhere" - but then when he gives you the reason, it seems super minor.... I'd just want to make sure that he doesn't have some trouble with regulating his emotions (i.e. for this situation I should react this way - and for this major situation, it's okay if I act THIS big way....etc.) He's most likely going through a 3 year old "I'm in control" phase.... but if it continues... maybe an eval would be a consideration. He sounds like a little boy with some great insight though!!

Good luck!!

My daughter is only 2, but I've had a lot of success with Dr. Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" method. I got a video on it from my local library, and there is a book too. I might recommend the video over the book, because I first heard about his method in a NY Times article and reading about it he sounded crazy (he refers to toddlers as neanderthals), but after seeing him use his method in practice on video it makes more sense. His basic premise is that most toddler meltdowns happen because they are unhappy about something and don't think we understand so they get more and more worked up. If parents can let their toddlers know that they see their point of view, it's much easier to get the toddler to compromise.

Good luck!

Have you thought of food allergies. This can cause the brain to swell and cause tantrums. The most common food is caffine, such and in chocolate also sugar and artificial colors in cereals and chips. Hope this helps.

Hi M.,
I have to agree with both of the previous posters. We have given our daughters countdowns for almost everything since the very beginning. Whether it is getting into the car, leaving the gym, going to bed, leaving a store, leaving the playground--whatever. When we have forgotten, that is when we have problems, I'd say 99% of the time.
As for seeking help from the doctor, it isn't a bad idea. I know several people who have found assistance this way, but since I haven't seen what your son's tantrums look like, I'm in no position to know.
Good luck.

Hi M.! I can relate with your experiences.Our son is 2 1/2 years old and has had these "meltdowns" for approx. 6 months now.
One month ago I made a referral to the Birth to 3 Program and they have accepted him into their program. They have found that he has difficulty with change,ex.leaving the store, going from inside to outside, etc. At first we thought it was "terrible two stuff". They have assessed him by OT, PT, Speech and a Behavior Therapist. I feel his speech/language isn't where it should be ,so he gets frutrated when he can't explain himself or his feelings. He is scheduled to see a ped.neurologist to see if he has possible MILD Autism/PDD. ?? Birth to 3 thinks it maybe a possibility??
Some suggestions they have given us are: taking photos of you and your son getting ready to go to the store, out the door, in the car, the sign of the store your going into, etc, and entering the store, walking around, checking out, THE ENTIRE PROCESS!! So, we tried that..works like a charm! We have printed out large pics, lamininated them and put them on a ring so he could flip through to understand what we will be doing. At first it was a lot of work, now he transitions more easily..just takes time & patience.
I can relate how isolating this time feels.I have a hard time going out as well sometimes. When this first started he would bite me only, and pull my hair.His way of telling me how he feels. Mad, frustrated, etc. Now we say, I'm mad, I'm sad,I'm happy, etc. Try to put a word to the feeling. Our son didn't have those words, now he does.

Good Luck to you! Call Birth to 3..what a great experience we're having!